#3. Boat Man
Along with many males, Bryan Arquitt subscribes to a school of thought that says there's really no reason to tell the truth in a relationship when you can make up something wicked cool instead. Like telling that lady you just met in a chatroom that you have a 10-inch wang while she in turn never mentions her own 10-inch wang or that her real name is Gary. Lies make relationships spicy and wonderful and they never, ever come back to haunt you.
The problem with this scenario is that Arquitt sucks at telling lies and/or understanding what impresses women.
When Bryan and his brother-in-law were taking a fishing trip, the water was too rough for the pair to dip their rods. Opting to head back, Arquitt felt the need to call his girlfriend and tell her a much more awesome and thrilling story: that their boat had capsized and spilled them into the bay. Seriously, he claimed he was in the process of drowning when he called, presumably claiming he was holding it and his head out of the water long enough to dial.
While in Arquitt's mind this made him seem like an adventurous badass, to his girlfriend, who was not retarded, it was a problem. So she called the police and rescue workers to let them know that her boyfriend was apparently thrashing around in the bay and calling all of his friends with his free hand.
Arquitt, in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store, continued to make desperate calls to his girlfriend, in which she must have been becoming increasingly suspicious how Arquitt was managing to keep the phone dry while he must have been spitting on the phone to attempt to make the realistic water sounds effects.
"Must have been my utter brilliance that made the phone work."
Eventually he told her he was back ashore, which is when the rescue teams phoned him to find out where they needed to show up with the paramedics. It was at this point Arquitt realized that his little lie had gone a bit too far. He admitted to making up the whole story to impress his girlfriend and the police, understanding his predicament, charged him with falsely reporting an incident because being a dipshit isn't a chargeable offense.
#2. Wife Plays Nurse
While we're on the subject of "people who will say absolutely anything in the name of love, regardless of how mind-bogglingly idiotic it may be," we have the story of David Sullivan who lived in the town of Merthyr Tydfil (just south of Mordor, apparently) and had his driver's license suspended. Unable to comprehend living without his car and having to do the amount of running and Orc slaying Aragorn had to do, David knew he was in desperate straits.
That's when his loving wife stepped up.
Joanne wrote a letter to the courts in defense of her man, begging for his license back. Oh, and just to make her claim more persuasive, she said she wasn't his wife, but rather a psychiatric nurse. And she said in the letter that David had been institutionalized for mental health reasons.
It's hard to say exactly how that would have gotten his license reinstated, unless there's a "crazies drive free" rule over in Wales. However, much like when you brought a poorly forged sick letter to school in the sixth grade to try to cover for playing hookie, things like this occasionally get researched further. So it would come as no surprise that officials soon found out that Mr Sullivan was in fact sane and chilling at home and that Joanne was not so much a psychiatric nurse as she was a "filthy liar."
The result was David lost his license. His wife ended up with a 28-day suspended sentence, which we like to think was overturned when her psychiatrist, who looked suspiciously like David with a beard and sunglasses, pled insanity.
#1. Cocaine Dick
WARNING: This is exactly as disturbing as you'd suspect an entry called "Cocaine Dick" to be. Possibly more.
It seems a day can't go by without someone deciding to attempt to boldly push the human penis where no penis has gone before. In this case, a man (whose name was left off the official record to protect him from being mocked mercilessly from all corners of the globe) decided that it was high time he wowed his girlfriend in bed by giving her the ride of her life. And what's the best way to make yourself into a sexual dynamo?
Presumably this all occurred after a romantic evening out with his lady friend and a few quick moments of foreplay before he ran to the can with a syringe and a little kit and absolutely no regard for personal safety whatsoever. He returned, had intercourse and then laid in bed, still completely high, still erect and probably patting himself on his back on how awesome his life was.
Three days later, when his dick was still hard and hurt like hell, he opted to go see a doctor. They managed to get his wang to go down, much to the relief of the man, but the doctors knew better. The blood leaked from the penis into pretty much all the tissue across the man's body and coagulated under his skin, leading to some intense gangrene and the amputation of his legs, nine of his fingers and, finally, his penis.
Don't do drugs, kids. And definitely don't do drugs in your dick.
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