Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Sometimes, saying "I love you" just isn't enough, especially if you have a habit of adultery or punching your girlfriend's mom or whatever. In those cases you have to go the extra mile and do something to prove your love. But be warned: that extra mile is sometimes an insane, depressing one.

Man and His Cheating Tattoo

Right now, somewhere in the world, someone who summoned their inspiration from a bottle of Thunderbird thought to themselves, "I'm getting a tattoo to show my love!" Thus, they'll forever be saddled with "Starla" on their bicep despite the fact Starla now lives across the country with a dude who's on disability.

It could be worse. Alan Jenkins, father of two, husband of 15 years, figured he'd go one better and get a life size portrait of his entire family on his back for just under $1500. The tattoo took 20 hours to complete and probably not once during the entire ordeal did he stop to ponder how ridiculous he'd feel if it turned out that his wife was, say, boning another dude.

Anyway, after almost a whole day under the needle, Jenkins had his wish: A tattoo that made his family look like they were stuck in a cheesy 80s television intro sequence.

Those of you who can't read html will be surprised to know that while Alan was busy loving his wonderful family so much he needed them embedded several layers deep into his back, his wife was riding a fitness instructor 11-years younger than him like a show pony. In fact, we'd imagine his wife was reminded of how much better Kaspars Gavars looked without a shirt on.

Alan had grown suspicious when he noticed Kaspars giving his wife lifts to work. Eventually his wife admitted to the affair and then kicked Alan out of the house so she could move the new man in.

The most disturbing thing about this is the photos that appeared in the Daily Mail. Notice how Lisa is wearing the same fucking clothes and there are the same trees in both shots? It's because they are in the same location. This suggests that Alan had to show up and pose with his family and ridiculous tattoo before his wife went to pose with the dude she left him for. Hey, the paper had to finish their story, and Kaspars's career as a fitness instructor could use the free publicity that banging another man's wife might bring.

The Milkshake Surprise

Originality is a dying art when it comes to wedding proposals, every idea under the sun has been tried at least once before, but there is nothing wrong with dusting off an old chestnut and trying to spruce it up a bit. That's exactly what Reed Harris intended to do after dropping the engagement ring in a big Wendy's "Frosty" milkshake during a social gathering with friends. Nothing says romance quite as explicitly as square beef patties.

Pictured: Romance

The friends were in on the act and had set-up their phones to film the whole event, in a move that might have clued Harris's girlfriend in had he not been careful to invite only the friends who typically film their lunches.

They all sat and watched Harris eagerly wait for his girlfriend, Kaitlin Whipple, to bite into something solid. Except she never did. Impatient, and unable to ponder cause and effect, someone challenged Whipple to a race to the bottom of the Frosty cup. Whipple sucked that ice creamy goodness back like a python devouring the neighbor's Pekinese until she hit the bottom and... no ring.

Then, everyone had that awkward moment when you first realize that something horrible has happened, and then the far more horrifying realization of what the likely solution would be.

Instead of proposing as his bride-to-be stuffed her gullet with migraine-inducing deliciousness, Harris ended up proposing by holding up Whipple's X-ray of her stomach showing the missing ring while his wife-to-be prepared to stuff her face with high-fiber cereals and wait for the ring to come squeezing out the other end of her digestive tract.

Therefore, regardless of how much frantic soapy scrubbing she has done since, when she looks at her left hand she'll always be thinking "This is my shit ring." And yet, she still wears it. That's love, guys.

Continue Reading Below

The Streaker

James Miller figured he'd go out of his way to make Valentine's Day memorable for his girlfriend, and knew that this task would require something above and beyond a box of stale chocolates and six-pack of Pabst from a convenience store.

Somehow he followed a chain of logic that took him from there to stripping down to his underwear and streaking a soccer game while shooting roses from a bow and arrow.

More romance.

Unfortunately no one likes a man in his underwear at a sporting event, and the ones that do can't admit it. So, Miller was arrested. And, since he's in the armed forces, he was quickly notified that he could also face a court martial.

Eventually he was fined a few hundred dollars and banned from all future soccer games for three years. That may not mean much to Americans but this guy's from Europe, so a three-year soccer ban is like not being allowed to have sex (if you have sex in a long, drawn out, low-scoring way).

Worst of all, it turned out that the one person who was supposed to be enthralled, or at least mildly impressed, by this romantic act--the girlfriend--was somehow not swept off her feet. She dumped him, teaching Miller the most important lesson a man can learn: love plus alcohol equals extraordinarily bad decisions.

Boat Man

Along with many males, Bryan Arquitt subscribes to a school of thought that says there's really no reason to tell the truth in a relationship when you can make up something wicked cool instead. Like telling that lady you just met in a chatroom that you have a 10-inch wang while she in turn never mentions her own 10-inch wang or that her real name is Gary. Lies make relationships spicy and wonderful and they never, ever come back to haunt you.

Username: HungNSexy69.

The problem with this scenario is that Arquitt sucks at telling lies and/or understanding what impresses women.

When Bryan and his brother-in-law were taking a fishing trip, the water was too rough for the pair to dip their rods. Opting to head back, Arquitt felt the need to call his girlfriend and tell her a much more awesome and thrilling story: that their boat had capsized and spilled them into the bay. Seriously, he claimed he was in the process of drowning when he called, presumably claiming he was holding it and his head out of the water long enough to dial.

While in Arquitt's mind this made him seem like an adventurous badass, to his girlfriend, who was not retarded, it was a problem. So she called the police and rescue workers to let them know that her boyfriend was apparently thrashing around in the bay and calling all of his friends with his free hand.

Arquitt, in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store, continued to make desperate calls to his girlfriend, in which she must have been becoming increasingly suspicious how Arquitt was managing to keep the phone dry while he must have been spitting on the phone to attempt to make the realistic water sounds effects.

"Must have been my utter brilliance that made the phone work."

Eventually he told her he was back ashore, which is when the rescue teams phoned him to find out where they needed to show up with the paramedics. It was at this point Arquitt realized that his little lie had gone a bit too far. He admitted to making up the whole story to impress his girlfriend and the police, understanding his predicament, charged him with falsely reporting an incident because being a dipshit isn't a chargeable offense.

Continue Reading Below

Wife Plays Nurse

While we're on the subject of "people who will say absolutely anything in the name of love, regardless of how mind-bogglingly idiotic it may be," we have the story of David Sullivan who lived in the town of Merthyr Tydfil (just south of Mordor, apparently) and had his driver's license suspended. Unable to comprehend living without his car and having to do the amount of running and Orc slaying Aragorn had to do, David knew he was in desperate straits.

Eff that.

That's when his loving wife stepped up.

Joanne wrote a letter to the courts in defense of her man, begging for his license back. Oh, and just to make her claim more persuasive, she said she wasn't his wife, but rather a psychiatric nurse. And she said in the letter that David had been institutionalized for mental health reasons.

It's hard to say exactly how that would have gotten his license reinstated, unless there's a "crazies drive free" rule over in Wales. However, much like when you brought a poorly forged sick letter to school in the sixth grade to try to cover for playing hookie, things like this occasionally get researched further. So it would come as no surprise that officials soon found out that Mr Sullivan was in fact sane and chilling at home and that Joanne was not so much a psychiatric nurse as she was a "filthy liar."

The result was David lost his license. His wife ended up with a 28-day suspended sentence, which we like to think was overturned when her psychiatrist, who looked suspiciously like David with a beard and sunglasses, pled insanity.

Cocaine Dick

WARNING: This is exactly as disturbing as you'd suspect an entry called "Cocaine Dick" to be. Possibly more.

It seems a day can't go by without someone deciding to attempt to boldly push the human penis where no penis has gone before. In this case, a man (whose name was left off the official record to protect him from being mocked mercilessly from all corners of the globe) decided that it was high time he wowed his girlfriend in bed by giving her the ride of her life. And what's the best way to make yourself into a sexual dynamo?

Jam cocaine in your dick, of course.

Presumably this all occurred after a romantic evening out with his lady friend and a few quick moments of foreplay before he ran to the can with a syringe and a little kit and absolutely no regard for personal safety whatsoever. He returned, had intercourse and then laid in bed, still completely high, still erect and probably patting himself on his back on how awesome his life was.

Three days later, when his dick was still hard and hurt like hell, he opted to go see a doctor. They managed to get his wang to go down, much to the relief of the man, but the doctors knew better. The blood leaked from the penis into pretty much all the tissue across the man's body and coagulated under his skin, leading to some intense gangrene and the amputation of his legs, nine of his fingers and, finally, his penis.

Don't do drugs, kids. And definitely don't do drugs in your dick.

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

And don't forget to check out The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With and 7 Popular 'Chick Flicks' That Secretly Hate Women.

And stop by our Top Picks so you have another excuse to stay inside on this lovely day.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments