#3. "Nature is Cruel. Here, Let Me Demonstrate."
School is supposed to prepare kids for real life. We don't want our kids to think life is just about video games and embarrassing, ill-timed boners. Because let's face it, life is about working and taxes and the embarrassing inability to get boners as we get older. One teacher in Plant City, Florida felt that the current school curriculum wasn't keeping it quite real enough and decided to remind her kids that nature is one cruel bitch.
It all started with the birth of two cute bunny rabbits and then things went downhill from there. The bunnies were rejected by their mother, who was maybe busy turning tricks to feed her carrot habit or something. Being the agriculture instructor at the school, the teacher knew that the only solution was to bury the bunnies alive. Well, that or bottle feed them, we guess.
This idea didn't sit too well with the students, who for some crazy reason refused to kill the bunnies.
It was at this point that the teacher decided the only way these kids were going to learn about life would be to watch as she tossed the bunnies in the hole, whacked them a couple times with the shovel and buried them herself, possibly while screaming, "WE ARE THE BUNNIES, AND THE SHOVEL IS GOD!"
After some students finished puking from witnessing the bunny murder, they went home and told their parents. The teacher admitted that, in hindsight, bottle feeding--or pretty much any other idea really--might have been the better choice after all. A spokesman for the school district said the school would do things differently in the future by getting release forms from the students before making them watch the inhumane killing of any more defenseless animals.
#2. Your Personal Worth is Determined by Popular Vote
In Port St. Lucie, Florida...
Wait, what the fuck? That's three of our entries that are from Florida. What the hell is going on down there?
Anyway, in yet another educational failure from the Sunshine State, a school teacher saw a room full of happy, care-free five-year-olds, with their innocent laughter and cute, dimpled faces, and knew she had to put a stop to it. She needed to teach them the harsh realities of cliques and how to exclude the undesirables from their social circle.
So she singled out a particularly unpopular little boy, and decided to play a game of classroom Survivor. The other students would get to vote as to whether or not he would be kicked out of the classroom, and each student would be allowed to tell the boy just what they didn't like about him. We think it was probably like an episode of Rock of Love, but with fewer STDs.
It seems that even all of this still didn't fulfill whatever agreement she signed with the Devil however, because there are now allegations that she actually had to rig the vote to get him tossed. That's right, in addition to prejudice and intolerance, the teacher also threw some voter fraud into that day's lesson plan, 'cause screw it, finger painting gets boring after a while.
Wait, have we mentioned that the boy had Autism? Yeah, the teacher knew that.
Before the class could go completely Lord of the Flies however, parents found out about the situation and the teacher was suspended. The state attorney investigated and found the incident did not meet the criteria for emotional child abuse. Makes sense; as students in Florida's school system, who knows how many tortured animals and Holocaust reenactments they had seen by the age of five.
#1. Homework for Thursday: Design a Car Bomb
High school used to be simple back in the day. Some reading, some writing, some arithmetic. Kids today have it much harder what with all the physics, honors English and planning terrorist attacks.
And all the whatever the fuck is going on here.
Which brings us to a teacher in Colorado, who got into some trouble when the creative writing assignment given to the students breached a few national security laws. If you're thinking the kids were asked to come up with a terror plot for their assignment, congratulations! You're catching on!
The superintendent of the school, flanked by some men in dark suits and ear pieces, deflected the criticism afterward by basically calling the freshman class a bunch of idiots. He claimed that they misunderstood the assignment. As explained by the teacher, the assignment was actually to "illustrate an act of terrorism by a foreign government on American soil."
You know, by writing down the details of how the attack was carried out. Totally different.
And too bad because show and tell day was going to be awesome.
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If you think teachers are all to blame for screwing up the youth of America, then you haven't checked out 8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children or 7 Things "Good Parents" Do (That Screw Kids Up for Life).
And stop by our Top Picks to see Seanbaby giving a group of fifth grades a tour of the offices.