The 6 Most Horrific Lessons Ever Taught in Elementary School
#3.
"Nature is Cruel. Here, Let Me Demonstrate."
School is supposed to prepare kids for real life. We don't want our kids to think life is just about video games and embarrassing, ill-timed boners. Because let's face it, life is about working and taxes and the embarrassing inability to get boners as we get older. One teacher in Plant City, Florida felt that the current school curriculum wasn't keeping it quite real enough and decided to remind her kids that nature is one cruel bitch.
It all started with the birth of two cute bunny rabbits and then things went downhill from there. The bunnies were rejected by their mother, who was maybe busy turning tricks to feed her carrot habit or something. Being the agriculture instructor at the school, the teacher knew that the only solution was to bury the bunnies alive. Well, that or bottle feed them, we guess.
This idea didn't sit too well with the students, who for some crazy reason refused to kill the bunnies.
It was at this point that the teacher decided the only way these kids were going to learn about life would be to watch as she tossed the bunnies in the hole, whacked them a couple times with the shovel and buried them herself, possibly while screaming, "WE ARE THE BUNNIES, AND THE SHOVEL IS GOD!"
After some students finished puking from witnessing the bunny murder, they went home and told their parents. The teacher admitted that, in hindsight, bottle feeding--or pretty much any other idea really--might have been the better choice after all. A spokesman for the school district said the school would do things differently in the future by getting release forms from the students before making them watch the inhumane killing of any more defenseless animals.
#2.
Your Personal Worth is Determined by Popular Vote
In Port St. Lucie, Florida...
Wait, what the fuck? That's three of our entries that are from Florida. What the hell is going on down there?
Anyway, in yet another educational failure from the Sunshine State, a school teacher saw a room full of happy, care-free five-year-olds, with their innocent laughter and cute, dimpled faces, and knew she had to put a stop to it. She needed to teach them the harsh realities of cliques and how to exclude the undesirables from their social circle.
So she singled out a particularly unpopular little boy, and decided to play a game of classroom Survivor. The other students would get to vote as to whether or not he would be kicked out of the classroom, and each student would be allowed to tell the boy just what they didn't like about him. We think it was probably like an episode of Rock of Love, but with fewer STDs.
It seems that even all of this still didn't fulfill whatever agreement she signed with the Devil however, because there are now allegations that she actually had to rig the vote to get him tossed. That's right, in addition to prejudice and intolerance, the teacher also threw some voter fraud into that day's lesson plan, 'cause screw it, finger painting gets boring after a while.
Unless...
Wait, have we mentioned that the boy had Autism? Yeah, the teacher knew that.
Before the class could go completely Lord of the Flies however, parents found out about the situation and the teacher was suspended. The state attorney investigated and found the incident did not meet the criteria for emotional child abuse. Makes sense; as students in Florida's school system, who knows how many tortured animals and Holocaust reenactments they had seen by the age of five.
#1.
Homework for Thursday: Design a Car Bomb
High school used to be simple back in the day. Some reading, some writing, some arithmetic. Kids today have it much harder what with all the physics, honors English and planning terrorist attacks.
And all the whatever the fuck is going on here.
Which brings us to a teacher in Colorado, who got into some trouble when the creative writing assignment given to the students breached a few national security laws. If you're thinking the kids were asked to come up with a terror plot for their assignment, congratulations! You're catching on!
The superintendent of the school, flanked by some men in dark suits and ear pieces, deflected the criticism afterward by basically calling the freshman class a bunch of idiots. He claimed that they misunderstood the assignment. As explained by the teacher, the assignment was actually to "illustrate an act of terrorism by a foreign government on American soil."
You know, by writing down the details of how the attack was carried out. Totally different.
And too bad because show and tell day was going to be awesome.
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In elementary school, after learning about the butterfly project, my class decided to play Holocaust. It was basically a twisted version of freeze tag. Once the teachers figured out what our new "game" was, they promptly put an end to it. The sad thing is, we were too young (8-9 years old) to realize what we were doing, and no one explained why it was wrong.
ReplyThat picture of the polar bear tickling the laughing lady is so cute.
ReplyWow, I didn't know you could make the Cracked list if you did "Holocaust Day" at school.
ReplyBecause we totally did, in 9th grade. And "Jews" were "fat kids". The teacher admitted at the end of the day that that's what he was doing. "And now to learn about the REAL Holocaust! Oh shut up, stop crying. At least our gas chamber wasn't fully operational like the ones Hitler used."
I'm a former high school student in Florida who went to one of the "best" schools in the state, at any rate my AP US History teacher is the epitome of what's wrong with teachers in our state she refused to do any work instead she would talk about how "brilliant" she was with her Ivy League education, how all the other teachers were out to get her, and her f*****g "granddoggy". By the time the exam came we hadn't reached that lil ole age called the 20th Century (I passed with a 5 and was the only student of of two classes to have passed, I'm a history geek). She'd also been caught leaving premises without authorization and had her son (convicted of thievery and accused by several female students of "inappropriate conduct") hired. Go figure she was also married to a school board member and was the school's Union rep.
ReplyAh, the teachers' union.
And don't forget Marilyn Manson, he's from Florida too. Although he isn't half as insane as those teachers...
ReplyAll of these are disturbing as hell, but #s 3-5 in particular? Holy. Shit. HOW did those psychos not find themselves in mental wards/jail before becoming teachers?
ReplyWhat's so bad about teaching kids some humility in getting their hands dirty?
ReplyI would imagine the same way we don't vaccinate children by making them take their meals in a toilet bowl.
If the kid had small cuts on his hands or arms (which is common in young boys and girls since they are landed on in falls), or failed to wash his hands properly, he would have significant risk for potentially life-threatening infections. Make this punishment common in school for kids, and it would be a good idea to buy stock in a company that manufactures dialysis machines.
Also, I have never before seen reverse snobbery, or anti-technological views rise to the level of saying a plunger is too good for kids.
#1 - Really? I don't see anything remotely offensive about it. Yes, it's probably ill-advised to mention terrorism in a US classroom, but there's no reason why creative writing should be about rainbows and unicorns.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI nearly got kicked out of school when I was ten for that. Folks take that s**t seriously.
Yeah, seems like a good way to get the kids into it really - 'Hey, have you ever seen 24? Well...'
I guess the teacher should have known it could end badly though.
No, mentioning and discussing "terrorism" in a classroom setting is one thing, and unavoidable in this current era. However, harnessing the collective brain power of your class body to plan it out? Well...that's just not a good idea all around for many many reasons.
How did any of those people become teachers,or even gainfully employed people?I fail to understand how anyone could be so stupid to think those things are appropriate.
Reply(Show me a middle school girl who likes being tied up and shoved under desks,Ill show you one of my future wives-polygamy,not divorce)
I actually don't think that #5 is that bad. It was just proving a point, I kinda understand it. Maybe with older kids, though...
ReplyAn acquaintance of mine's Social Studies teacher made the class do a chicken mummification project, from scratch, because Egyptians something something. That's a lot milder than some of the stuff in the article, but to still day she can't handle eating chicken or someone doing it near her.
ReplyThe kids at my school did that with chicken legs. Looked like fun to me...
Florida seems to have a big population of fucked up individuals. Go look up an article about some fucked-up s**t happening somewhere, it is almost always in Florida, Texas or Arizona.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNot saying there are only nutsos living in those places, but they sure have more than their share of lunatics.
As Carl Hiaasen would say "It's the human sludge factor: it all flows south."
Dude, you don't even know. I have relatives down there, and they know some crazy people. Like my cousin's friend who was in 3rd grade for five years, dropped out, and is now expecting a child. I could go on forever about crazy ass people from Florida.
i have a theory about how being in hot climates messes with peoples thinking and rationality... its just a theory so far... pointed out by a number of factors from how heat stresses the body to occurances in climates like deserts where people with poor resources and constant exposure to heat go a bit crazy, not to mention heat being unpleasenet for anyone really
I think more California than Arizona, at least historically. AZ has had a messed up last couple of years, but not much happened before 2010/11. I live in AZ and the weird news stories about crazy people in our newspapers come from Cali more than anywhere else
The kid who clogged the toilet got what the deserved.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesImmediately make an appointment to get yourself sterilized, you should not be reproducing. The world has enough idiots in it already.
^ Dude, eating that many poptarts to start with should get Homeland Security to designate someone a walking WMD.
Why couldn't he use a plunger? Can you come up with a single reason that isn't either malicious or creepy?
Having the kid clean up the mess is understandable. Forcing him to unclog the toilet with his hands is psychotic. If you approve of the teacher's response, I don't think society can trust you with children. Please volunteer for sterilization and the sex-offender list.
At least the last one wasn't emotionally scarring.
ReplyEmotional child abuse is totally part of the French Catholic school board's curriculum in my hometown, especially if you speak English at home. Seriously, what kind of sick sadistic b***h puts an 8 year-old through that kind of shit? f**k you, you ruined my childhood, you Quebec nazi-cunt.
ReplyGreat article, though #1 doesn't sound bad enough to be #1.
I agree it shouldn't be #1 (maybe 3 or 4?) and why is number 6 number 6? That's horrible, disgusting and could have made this child VERY sick. Not to mention how terrifying it must have been when a 7-year-old was told that he would have to pull s**t out of a toilet with his mouth the "next time." I would have been afraid to go to the bathroom at school because I might have a big bowel movement or use too much toilet paper, stop up toilet and be forced to unclog it with my hands. He might never be able to use a toilet without a panic attack again!
I want to agree with you, I honestly do, but the lack of any actual explanation of just what you're going on about makes me think you're just upset at French-speaking people in a historically French-founded place where French is the official language speaking to you in French.
6, 3 and 2 are awful. The others aren't that bad.
ReplyI really don't think that #1 actually deserves the #1 spot. I actually kind of wonder if it should be on the list. I think the assignment was kind of stupid and in bad taste, but it wasn't as if they asked the kids to build a bomb and bring it to school to kill the class bunnies. I think many of the other choices vastly outrank the #1 anecdote. But as for those other ones, JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME TEACHERS?
ReplyIt's just a list, not a countdown. They are in no particular order.
cracked...list...not in order? I don't think I understand.
I have a vivid memory of something similar to #6, but I'm not sure if it actually happened. (Preschool, so I think I can be forgiven.) I think I remember my friend being required to unclog the toilet with her bare hands. She had intentionally clogged it, though. (But come on. We were four years old.)
ReplyYou all should feel like pussies. I went to and SURVIVED Catholic Convent school. Nuns are evil.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesUh-oh, that's 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers for saying "pussy". No please, not the whipping stick again.. NO!!!
Yeah Catholic kids had it easy. Try going to a small Baptist school in the Bible Belt and then tell me about your slutty girls and old bitter women.
Man, you had nuns? I'm sorry man =/
At the Catholic school I went to, the teachers were essentially the Desperate Housewives.
^Ouch.
Wow, adults projecting their own social, political, and moral viewpoints on children? Why I never.
ReplyYeah, looking at it from that perspective it's amazing so many pay so much money for a liberal arts education.