The 6 Most Horrific Lessons Ever Taught in Elementary School
#3.
"Nature is Cruel. Here, Let Me Demonstrate."
School is supposed to prepare kids for real life. We don't want our kids to think life is just about video games and embarrassing, ill-timed boners. Because let's face it, life is about working and taxes and the embarrassing inability to get boners as we get older. One teacher in Plant City, Florida felt that the current school curriculum wasn't keeping it quite real enough and decided to remind her kids that nature is one cruel bitch.
It all started with the birth of two cute bunny rabbits and then things went downhill from there. The bunnies were rejected by their mother, who was maybe busy turning tricks to feed her carrot habit or something. Being the agriculture instructor at the school, the teacher knew that the only solution was to bury the bunnies alive. Well, that or bottle feed them, we guess.
This idea didn't sit too well with the students, who for some crazy reason refused to kill the bunnies.
It was at this point that the teacher decided the only way these kids were going to learn about life would be to watch as she tossed the bunnies in the hole, whacked them a couple times with the shovel and buried them herself, possibly while screaming, "WE ARE THE BUNNIES, AND THE SHOVEL IS GOD!"
After some students finished puking from witnessing the bunny murder, they went home and told their parents. The teacher admitted that, in hindsight, bottle feeding--or pretty much any other idea really--might have been the better choice after all. A spokesman for the school district said the school would do things differently in the future by getting release forms from the students before making them watch the inhumane killing of any more defenseless animals.
#2.
Your Personal Worth is Determined by Popular Vote
In Port St. Lucie, Florida...
Wait, what the fuck? That's three of our entries that are from Florida. What the hell is going on down there?
Anyway, in yet another educational failure from the Sunshine State, a school teacher saw a room full of happy, care-free five-year-olds, with their innocent laughter and cute, dimpled faces, and knew she had to put a stop to it. She needed to teach them the harsh realities of cliques and how to exclude the undesirables from their social circle.
So she singled out a particularly unpopular little boy, and decided to play a game of classroom Survivor. The other students would get to vote as to whether or not he would be kicked out of the classroom, and each student would be allowed to tell the boy just what they didn't like about him. We think it was probably like an episode of Rock of Love, but with fewer STDs.
It seems that even all of this still didn't fulfill whatever agreement she signed with the Devil however, because there are now allegations that she actually had to rig the vote to get him tossed. That's right, in addition to prejudice and intolerance, the teacher also threw some voter fraud into that day's lesson plan, 'cause screw it, finger painting gets boring after a while.
Unless...
Wait, have we mentioned that the boy had Autism? Yeah, the teacher knew that.
Before the class could go completely Lord of the Flies however, parents found out about the situation and the teacher was suspended. The state attorney investigated and found the incident did not meet the criteria for emotional child abuse. Makes sense; as students in Florida's school system, who knows how many tortured animals and Holocaust reenactments they had seen by the age of five.
#1.
Homework for Thursday: Design a Car Bomb
High school used to be simple back in the day. Some reading, some writing, some arithmetic. Kids today have it much harder what with all the physics, honors English and planning terrorist attacks.
And all the whatever the fuck is going on here.
Which brings us to a teacher in Colorado, who got into some trouble when the creative writing assignment given to the students breached a few national security laws. If you're thinking the kids were asked to come up with a terror plot for their assignment, congratulations! You're catching on!
The superintendent of the school, flanked by some men in dark suits and ear pieces, deflected the criticism afterward by basically calling the freshman class a bunch of idiots. He claimed that they misunderstood the assignment. As explained by the teacher, the assignment was actually to "illustrate an act of terrorism by a foreign government on American soil."
You know, by writing down the details of how the attack was carried out. Totally different.
And too bad because show and tell day was going to be awesome.
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If you think teachers are all to blame for screwing up the youth of America, then you haven't checked out 8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children or 7 Things "Good Parents" Do (That Screw Kids Up for Life).
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Hell, in 6th grade our teacher explained to us how to hotwire a car. I think it was supposed to about current or something, I don't quite remember but if anyone needs a tip for older cars, I got that down.
ReplyWhen I was in grade school, they had this idea to implement a mandarin teacher. I only learned hello and thank you. But anyways, we had 4 groups that were a mix of the 4 classes. (A,B,C and D.) my group was B, and we had 20 kids and 6 good ones, including me. She didn't like us. I know because she said she hated us, she liked group A way better, and she couldn't wait until we graduated. Fun times.
ReplyI had a teacher who was a legally diagnosed schizophrenic. She constantly smoked (sometimes pot), which sucked because I have asthma, and I was constantly screamed at for coughing or correcting her( she said eggs used for food could be hatched out of the fridge, and claimed all asians are trying to take over the world by eating rats and babies. I'm chinese). She never taught us anything because she was too busy trying to catch the "poltergeist" that was supposedly haunting her room. One day, when I brought in a japanese pencil, she picked it up, broke it, and literally tried to stab me with it. Understandably, I was upset and I flipped her off. I was only able to avoid expulsion by convincing the principal I had a very expensive lawyer that would sue all their asses off. I really wanted to sue, but I wasn't allowed. She is still teaching.
ReplyI've had a few batshit insane teachers. Kindergarten, forced out of class for "being too literate." Grade two, forced to stay in for three hours because my (impeccable) handwriting wasn't "in the right style" that the teacher wanted us to have, and I didn't hold my pencil right (when in reality, I was holding it the RIGHT way and she was wrong the entire time, you don't grab it like a monkey, thanks). Grade three, our class was taken to an old historical site's schoolhouse for "immersion" or something and made to go there for a week. One girl was beaten by the teacher and we could hear it, and then it was shut down two weeks later because she nearly had to go to the hospital. Grade five, my teacher gave me 0's on everything and dumped a kid's desk out of the window for not being neat enough. Grade six, I loved our teacher, but she took us out into the marsh and made us make weapons and taught us about child slavery by not letting us have anything but a handful of rice for our meals (we had all three at school). Grade seven we were taken to a camp and taken up the side of a CLIFF and taught archery and did some improv games for drama and then ABANDONED because the teachers FORGOT US and they turned up drunk in their cabin two hours later. Grade eight we did a "medieval" simulation and were "married" to each other and for French had to watch the same French video for a year. Grade nine was just ghetto . . . grade ten I had a teacher who got so mad and in my face he failed me by ONE PERCENT and then refused to teach me. Oh and did I mention this secondary school has had six gun threats and three bomb threats in the past two years?
ReplyWhere the Hell did you go to school?!
Um, my junior high social studies teacher made us all lay face-down under our desks while he cracked a whip over our heads, to simulate a "slave ship." We then watched "Amistad". All of it.
ReplyHe did not return the following year, but is still a teacher. :-/
"Uh, yeah, we're thinking if you have a middle school student who loves being tied up and shoved under a desk, you actually have a bigger problem on your hands."
ReplyTell me again what's wrong with being tied up? :P
Pretty crazy shit. I've had a racist 2nd grade teacher, at a Christian school. Always playing favorites with the white kids. God she was such an old bitch...
ReplyI guess I'm not more of a bigger problem then, cause I'm not in middle school anymore...
ReplyRegrading #2, Your Personal worth is determined by popular vote:
ReplyThe teacher was obviously thinking along the lines that singling out an unpopular child and publicly humiliating him would make him conform and "start acting normal." The fact that said child had a diagnosed condition which effected his social ability, coupled with the fact that social skills are not innate but must be taught, evidently meant nothing to her. In other words, she was going with the idea that "bullying builds character."
Tragically, this moronic idea is still very widespread in this country, and is shared by many teachers, administrators and school board members. A fair number of parents seem to share this view too (at least when their child is on the giving and not on the receiving end of said bullying). Granted, few of them would voice such an opinion in public, but that does not mean the idea is any less pervasive.
A little something to consider after the next school shooting.
They should not have made the toilet-clogging kid clear it with his hands. They should have tased the little bastard until his eyes glowed, and then expelled him.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou've never shat? Ever? Oh, and the kid was seven.
But, maybe it was his way of saying their school was shitty. Obivously it really was.
Midnight, apart from you being a psychotic bastard...I killed myself laughing at your comment.
We had to replicate the Holocaust in my sophomore lit class in highscool. We were reading Night and a couple of us were assigned as Jews. We had to wear gold stars and were forced to sit on the floor during class (Yeah real hardship there I know). It ended after we were forced to sit outside the room and an administrator walked by and asked what was going on. One of the students accused our history teacher of racism for giggles.
ReplyI went to school in Florida.
Reply/fuck
Me too. I can't tell non-Floridians stories about real things that happened because they just think I'm lying.
sames...although personally I enjoyed Holocaust-Recreation/Bunny-Murder/Child-Scarring day
;_;
ReplyThose poor bunnies.
Though that teacher seriously needs to be looked at. No normal person would just kill animals just to demonstrate a lesson. Sounds like someone needs some psychiatric help.
I had a crazy teacher that used to yell at us a lot over the strangest things. She taught first grade. She tried to tell us kids that "you can't see rain because it's invisible" - and she had huge coke-bottle glasses. A brave student by the name of Louis spoke up and said "...but I can see rain." and she yelled at the top of her lungs: "YOU CAN'T SEEEEE RAAAAAAIIIIINNNN!" This is the same teacher who once picked up a desk and threw it at a girl. A six-year-old girl. Lucky for both, they missed. She went on to teach for years after, because everyone was afraid to tell on her.
I had a crazy teacher that was batshit insane, too. Redundent, I know. Anyway, a friend of mine and his group of friends were singled out by her for being black. That's more or less her own words, under the guise of "They always cause trouble" and whispered "damn blacks", she made them sit on the floor. That's not much, I know. She assigned them extra work, and they didn't get Phisical Education (This was middleschool, back when "PE" was enjoyable) because she told the coach they'd "Misbehaved" if they even asked one question. She also singled my friend out and made s**t up, and even told the principal. He was nearly expelled, but his mom came to the school and cleared s**t up. She asked the teacher, the teachers said "He did holyshit I forgot", replace holyshit I forgot with some misdemeanor, I forgot which. The Vice-Principal came down and they talked and she lied to em' too. This all came to light, and the teacher was fired. She was reinstated to being an assistant teacher, where she was infinitely less shitty.
Other crazy: She was girl-power to the max. She pulled guys out of the lunch line (Two mile long lunch line) and said "LAAAADIES FIRZT!"
She also let girls get away with murder, they could punch guys and steal food/objects with no trouble. What happened to Gender Equality? If you can work, you can be punched in the face. Hard. Anyway, there was some more stuff I never found out, due to the fact I finished mid.
PS: Pre-High, godamn whiners.
My school did a "Holocaust Day" when I was in 8th grade, but it was only for Spanish students. Yeah, that makes no sense, but our Spanish teacher was so dumb she said that tacos weren't Spanish (AKA Mexican, as she absolutely never pointed out that Spanish is also native to Spain). Anyway, we all had to around the school with a star of david pinned to our shirts. I refused, and got detention.
ReplyIn elementary school, after learning about the butterfly project, my class decided to play Holocaust. It was basically a twisted version of freeze tag. Once the teachers figured out what our new "game" was, they promptly put an end to it. The sad thing is, we were too young (8-9 years old) to realize what we were doing, and no one explained why it was wrong.
ReplyThat picture of the polar bear tickling the laughing lady is so cute.
ReplyWow, I didn't know you could make the Cracked list if you did "Holocaust Day" at school.
ReplyBecause we totally did, in 9th grade. And "Jews" were "fat kids". The teacher admitted at the end of the day that that's what he was doing. "And now to learn about the REAL Holocaust! Oh shut up, stop crying. At least our gas chamber wasn't fully operational like the ones Hitler used."
I'm a former high school student in Florida who went to one of the "best" schools in the state, at any rate my AP US History teacher is the epitome of what's wrong with teachers in our state she refused to do any work instead she would talk about how "brilliant" she was with her Ivy League education, how all the other teachers were out to get her, and her f*****g "granddoggy". By the time the exam came we hadn't reached that lil ole age called the 20th Century (I passed with a 5 and was the only student of of two classes to have passed, I'm a history geek). She'd also been caught leaving premises without authorization and had her son (convicted of thievery and accused by several female students of "inappropriate conduct") hired. Go figure she was also married to a school board member and was the school's Union rep.
ReplyAh, the teachers' union.
And don't forget Marilyn Manson, he's from Florida too. Although he isn't half as insane as those teachers...
ReplyManson's probably the best thing Florida ever gave the world. I grew up in Florida, and if I had a stockpile of nukes, Florida would be the first to go (followed by New Jersey and then Texas).
All of these are disturbing as hell, but #s 3-5 in particular? Holy. Shit. HOW did those psychos not find themselves in mental wards/jail before becoming teachers?
Reply