6 Hilarious Attempts at Brainwashing Kids With Comic Books

As anyone who has read the Spider-Man pedophilia awareness comic knows, comics aren't always the most dignified and subtle medium for conveying a message.

That, however, has not stopped advertisers from trying to shoe-horn their message into the format of a hamfisted comic book. The results are even more asinine than you'd expect.

#6. Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four and OfficeMax

The Comic's Intended Message:

Teachers are our nation's greatest resource! To the point that supervillains envy students' knowledge!

Its Accidental Message:

OfficeMax is our nation's greatest resource, as superheroes go positively apeshit over the store.

A 2006 promo comic released by Marvel and OfficeMax for Teacher Appreciation Week, Brain Drain! is probably the best-drawn entry in this list. It makes up for this by making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

The story opens with Dr. Doom draining the brains of all of America's brightest middle schoolers. Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four set out to stop Doom's nefarious plot but, before they can depart, the teachers of the "brain-drained" students show up for no adequately explored reason to help out. Their help mostly consists of barking non-sequiturs about OfficeMax.

Fuck your laptop, Superheroes are magic.

Instead of stifling a chortle at the dumbass citizens, the superheroes lose their minds over the whole idea. They hightail it to OfficeMax and grab pencils and rubber band balls and calculators and bring them back to the Baxter Building.

Mr. Fantastic then tosses all that shit in the corner and uses his supercomputer to locate Doom. Sadly, this marks the last appearance of logical thinking in the comic.

Spidey and the F.F. break into Dr. Doom's castle, where Doom womps them and reveals his villainous masterstroke: He will rob America's middle schoolers of their valuable knowledge!

That's right. Victor von Doom, Ph.D., invented an impossibly sophisticated machine in order to learn the secrets of basic algebra--the plot of R.L. Stine's Stay Out of the Basement--and that every boy his age is sprouting strange hair down there.

For brain-draining a bunch of kids whose collective fund of knowledge rivals his own cast-iron skidmarks, Dr. Doom deserves to have his plot foiled by an OfficeMax brand rubber band ball.

The comic ends on a bittersweet note; the children Doom kidnapped are permanently brain-drained. But the teachers are there, and they can re-teach their students!

Of course, they'll be teaching "How Not To Drool and Shit Your Pants 101" until the kids are 25, but that doesn't seem to faze the plucky educators.

Indeed, the saddest part of Brain Drain! is that the real students who entered an essay-writing contest to win a cameo in this comic book make a one-panel appearance as brain-drained imbeciles. Notice how Marvel was kind enough to label each child so bullies knew exactly whom to taunt into homeschooling.

Sorry for bringing this up again, Cody Rhoades.

#5. The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man

The Comic's Intended Message:

Kool-Aid Man is a trustworthy authority figure. Drink Kool-Aid!

Its Accidental Message:

Kool-Aid Man is a walking, talking high fructose apocalypse and seducer of innocence. Drink fucking Kool-Aid!

As we all know, the Kool-Aid Man is a giant anthropomorphic pitcher of Kool-Aid. His interests include slaking thirst, casual property damage and pretending to have an orgasm wherever he goes.

A typical day in the life.

In the 1980s, Kool-Aid teamed up with Marvel Comics to produce a series of Kool-Aid Man comics. In order to justify the massive amount of collateral damage incurred by Kool-Aid Man's mere existence, the writers came up with a dehydration-themed foe, Scorch. His job was to sort of annoy the hero and leave clues bad enough to make The Riddler facepalm.

When Scorch's foolproof scheme of "telling Kool-Aid Man exactly where I am" invariably failed, he uttered his one and only catchphrase: "Roast My Toast!"

Note the requisite wall-bursting. Incidentally, this appears to be Kool-Aid Man's one and only way to enter an enclosed space. Scope out the scene below.

Look at that. Those kids are so fucking dead, but they're too excited by Kool-Aid Man's arrival to care. At least they'll fatally depressurize with smiles on their faces.

Speaking of which, Kool-Aid Man has a non-stop entourage of eager children. He hangs out with these kids totally unsupervised, makes them drink his own bodily fluids and often invites them to party at his pad.

Leading a bunch of lost, easily confused children through the forest on bikes is sort of weird, but at least he isn't touching the kids or-

Goddammit, Kool-Aid Man. You're lucky your comic ran for only six issues; any longer and you would've ended up on a registry somewhere.

#4. Liberality For All

The Comic's Intended Message:

If liberals ever get into power, they'll ruin America!

Its Accidental Message:

In an unthinkable dystopian future, a 90-year-old G. Gordon Liddy looks fiiine!

This 2005 comic posits two thought-provoking hypotheticals: "What if the Democrats had won the 2000 U.S. presidential election?" and "Would America still have the same problems that exist today?" Sadly, Liberality For All, a comic from conservative comic publisher ACC studios, answers these questions in the stupidest way possible.

The comic takes place in 2021. If you're wondering who the two people on the right are, that's President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore. They are glad-handing with Ambassador Osama Bin Laden. If you think this is bad, check out what's happened to America's most venerable news network.

"Wait a second," you say. "This is all moronically over-the-top, but how is it different from any other ham-fisted political cartoon?" Well, hold onto your hats, this comic is about to get... extreme.

Do you feel a prickly sensation in your skull when you look at that panel? Don't worry, that's just a stupidity-induced brain embolism. Look again. That's FOX News pundit Sean-fucking-Hannity with a robotic arm. In the comic, he is a patriotic freedom fighter in a nation of Pinko fascists. Also, he has a robotic arm.

Did we mention he has a robotic arm?

He fights the forces of left-wing evil with this guy. Hint: he's not a Bizarro version of Gordon from Sesame Street.

That muscular gun-toting badass is actually G. Gordon Liddy, conservative talk show host and famed Watergate conspirator. He and Hannity run the underground Freedom Of Information League, or F.O.I.L. They spend their time killing cops.

Now, we understand that ideologies of all stripes use idiotic cartoons for propaganda purposes, but Liberality For All takes the dumbass cake by taking these two doughy talking heads...

... and turning them into goddamn Nick Fury and the Punisher... 11 years from now.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!