5 Battlefield Screw Ups That Were Hilarious (Until People Died)
The history books are full of great military minds who turned the tides of war with their creative genius. This article is not about them.
No, we're here to talk about the embarrassing fuck-ups, the confused incompetence that ensured these men would never have a high school named after them.
#5.
Flushing a Toilet Sinks a Submarine
About five minutes after somebody first drew up the plans for an underwater ship called a "submarine," somebody standing over that guy's shoulder said, "so how do you take a shit in one?"
It's not like a regular boat where you can just poop over the side (that's what they do, right?) and the whole physics of a flushing toilet like you have in your bathroom stop working when, instead of a house, you're in a vessel submerged in water exerting massive pressure from every direction. To see what flushing a toilet in that situation would look like, picture the exact opposite of a successful toilet flush.
On April 14, 1945, the German submarine U-1206 found this out the hard way.
Who Fucked Up?
That model of boat had a new, fancy toilet-flushing system that used a complex system of high-pressure valves to allow them to flush the toilets even when running deep under the sea. So complex, that you couldn't operate the system without supervision.
But the captain of the submarine, Karl-Adolph Schlitt, figured he would chance it. After all, it's a damned toilet! How complicated can it be?
One splashing, cursing, Charlie Chaplin-esque slapstick sequence later, and Schlitt found himself wading through the Atlantic seawater that was quickly rushing into the submarine. Unable to pump the water out, Schlitt had no choice but to surface the sub.
Of course, this was in the middle of a war. Oh, and the German submarine just happened to be on a spy mission just 10-miles away from the British coast. It was almost immediately spotted by an English plane, which proceeded to bomb the shit out of the sub. Schlitt found himself unable to escape and gave the order to abandon ship, where every surviving member of the crew was captured.
#4.
Indians Take Over Fort During a Game of Lacrosse
In 1761, the British gained a new post in present day Michigan named Fort Michilimackinac. They also gained some new neighbors in the local Indian tribe. If you've spent five minutes reading an American history text book you'd be able to predict that such a living arrangement could only end in tears.
However, the two groups lived in relative peace, at least for a while. It's sort of like The Odd Couple, if you replace the charm of Tony Randall and Jack Klugman with deep-seated racism and impromptu scalpings.
With the threat of battle constantly looming over them, members of the Ojibwa tribe lightened the mood by playing lacrosse near the entrance of the fort, silently hoping to shatter a window a la Dennis the Menace. The British adored observing these games, often watching them from the safety of the fort ramparts.
As the rivalry between the Ojibwa and the Brits waned, the British started to edge further and further out of the safety of their fort, with smiles and beckoning hand gestures from the Ojibwa.
Who Fucked Up?
Eventually, years passed without incident and nearly the whole force of the fort came out to enjoy the games, insulting the "savages" and betting on the outcome of the game with each other. This included Captain Etherington, who was the British commander at the fort and had seemingly forgotten why they had a fort in the first place (hint: it had been attacked multiple times in just the previous few months).
Then, during a game on June 2, 1763, a ball was hit a little too high and sailed over the walls of the fort. The two closest Ojibwa's chased it into the fort. The soldiers, eager to discover the outcome of the match, left the gates open to let them through.
Then more players ran in, then more and, eventually, all the players were inside the gates and the British were still outside wondering when the game was going to resume. Inside, the Ojibwa were handed weapons previously smuggled in before closing the gates and slaughtering almost everyone inside, including Captain Etherington. The game had been postponed on account of vengeance.
The Ojibwa went on to hold the fort for an entire year. We're assuming that the British tried to counterattack by playing soccer outside but their plan was somehow ineffective.
#3.
General Somehow Misses the Enormous Battle
The civil war had its fill of frankly embarrassing moves by its Union generals, but some errors can be hand-waved away with excuses such as "misinformation" or "my army is dead." However, "I couldn't find the battlefield of 25,000 men" doesn't really cut it.
Who Fucked Up?
At the battle of Shiloh, General Lew Wallace was given orders from General Grant for his division to serve as the reserves in case things got a little too messy. So he hung back, lit a cigar and relaxed. At 6am the order came for Wallace to move up and help out in the fight against the Confederates. So General Wallace moved his division out... in the wrong direction.
Wallace lead the march, no doubt giving them an inspiring speech all the while. His men were ready to fight the Rebs, for decency, for freedom, for America. A few hours later, noting the distinct lack of blood on their hands, they began to wonder if they were even in America anymore. Wallace's division had been wandering to the point where they were more lost than the cast of Lost on the lost island who had gotten lost in the jungle. Also, they're lost in time.
Seriously, where the fuck are we?
Somehow, not investing in a compass, map or a friend who could read road signs paid off for Wallace when his men found themselves at the rear of the Confederates, who were firing at Grant's men and doing a damn fine job of it. Wallace had unwittingly placed his army at a classic rear flank position and himself on the cusp of victory. All that was left for him to do was sound the charge, put the Rebel balls in the vice-grip known as Yankee Justice and within hours he'd be getting hammered in a tent with General Grant. Hell, he could even claim it was his idea all along, and go down in history as a military genius.
But he wasn't one. Instead, Wallace decided that the much more advantageous position he had accidentally marched to was still wrong, dammit, and a job worth doing was a job worth doing right. So, against all advice, he ordered his troops to turn around and go back to where they were supposed to go. This whole trip took a total of five hours.
The men finally reached their original destination, but by then the battle had moved. Rather than mark it all up to a brain fart, Wallace had his men march onwards to the fight. He finally got to Grant's position at 7pm. That's 13 hours of looking for a battle consisting of nearly 25,000 men, a spectacle that frankly shouldn't be that hard to spot.
"Are you sure that's our battlefield?"
When Wallace finally found Grant's army, he also found a lost battle and a reasonably pissed of General. Wallace, who cost thousands of Union lives and blistered countless Union toes, was removed from command.
Schlitt definitely hit the fan on that one
Reply24 friendly fire deaths? Don't soldiers usually wait to see an enemy to fire weapons?
ReplyI love how every time Cracked mentions an American military screwup there's a shitstorm in the comments. However, in the articles similar to this WITHOUT American screwups, there are almost no negative posts. Coincidence?
ReplyGermans sinking their own U-boats by flushing their toilets.
ReplyWhy didn't Loony Tunes or Popeye ever do one of those episodes?
kiska is in the aleutian islands. jungles are tropical forests. there are no tropical forests in the aleutian islands.
ReplyRe: #5: Now THAT'S what I call Schlitting the bed! ...Guys?
ReplyLew Wallace was also the man who, as governor, pardoned Billy the Kid, notorious outlaw.
ReplyJust on the ass end of history, that guy.
Apparently, Lew Wallace was so embarrassed about the Battle of Shiloh that after the war, he wrote the novel Ben-Hur to make up for it. Okay, Lew, we forgive you.
Reply"We're assuming that the British tried to counterattack by playing soccer outside but their plan was somehow ineffective."
ReplyI lol'd, then felt bad about it since people died.
From the soccer? :P
I notice no one complained about Americans being in #1 again.
ReplySince when is there a jungle on Kiska Island (which is part of Alaska)? Also, they had just taken nearby Attu Island, which was difficult due to terrain and weather even against a relatively small Japanese garrison there, and the US troops took heavy casualties. So they were taking no chances on Kiska, hence the supposed "overkill" amount of men and ordinance.
ReplyHow about the Battle of Arnhem? The British radios didn't work, but it never occurred to them to use the telephones, despite the fact that civilians in the city were using them to talk to friends about the British in their houses.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHow is that funny?
Because they were trying to use broken radios when there were phones RIGHT f*****g THERE I assume?
Depends, can it reach the Allies without interception at the switchboard?
Good article, but the Union won Shiloh (on the second day, after Lewis arrived.) Left out the epic failure of Marshal Grouchy at Waterloo, a man who, in spite of hearing cannon fire nearby, somehow got lost pursuing a detachment of the Prussian Army. He fought an ENTIRE BATTLE (at Wavre which even more weirdly he won) and only reached the battle field after the main French force had been defeated. This was arguably one of the biggest reasons the French lost at Waterloo.
ReplyThat and their French, 'nuff said.
#1 is hilarious!!
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesI wouldn't call 122 people dead hilarious.
how many dead qualifies as hilarious then?
It encourages the stereotype that American's are stupid which I find hilarious.
@wetturd
I would.
@wetturd: Read the article's title again. Thank you.
Tragedy+Time=Comedy
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks
@croatoan At least 1000.
@wetturd, it was funny because they weren't shooting at anyone, nobody was fighting them. They just ended up killing some of their own men. Which is a bit humorous seeing how stupid you'd have to be to be shooting at nothing in the first place.
@croatoan84, 121 exactly. Anything more or less is just tragic.
TO those of you woundering about the dense Jungles on the Island, There arn't any. That was simply a set up for the predator joke.
ReplyI'm assuming those missing in the "jungle" are the people who went MIA.
God...I read the last part again...beaches? You got nearly every single fact wrong in that last one except the name of the island, forgot to mention the other one filled with Japanese troops and equipment, and the fact that there was a World War 2. I heard there is an awesome glacier in Florida that you just hafta see. Great skiing all around there. But don't go to the beaches, they are just all rocks and cliffs.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDude, im afraid youre suffering from the condition wherein a *little* bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. The "other island" to which you refer had been taken by the Americans more than two months earlier, that was, in fact, the reason that the Japanese abandoned Kiska two weeks before the Americans attacked. Though you were right to question the reference to "dense jungle", but your obnoxious tone and ignorance of the actual progress of the campaign (the article was correct on every other count) forbids me from giving you any props.
The bit about the jungle was obviously part of the Predator joke. Or did you forget this was a comedy site?
It was fake because there are no predators
It was fake because it was only one badass Predator.
That was really funny. The last one was the most boneheaded thing ever written. First...what f*****g jungles? Kiska and Attu, the two islands invaded, are several hundred miles off the coast of Alaska in the middle of the f*****g Bering Sea. Also Attu still very much had Japanese troops on it. They also had airplanes. Airplanes that can fly to the island right next door. But seriously...jungles in Alaska? Have you ever seen a globe or more importantly how about every single person who works with you?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesthe jungles are a set up for the predator joke
Comedy web site. Jooooooooke.
"Airplanes that can fly to the island right next door"
Which the Army had already retaken. Attu was farther away, but taken first.
Have you ever heard of comedy? No? Gtfo.
"When the British arrived, some of the Scottish fled the battle"
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesA minor point to bring up, but 'The British' includes the Scottish. Britain is the island that comprises England, Scotland and Wales. Saying 'Britain attacked Scotland' is the same as saying 'The United Kingdom attacked Northern Ireland'. Sloppy error in an otherwise good article.
Not really. Britain is the name of the island, yes, but "British" also has racial overtones that stop it from being the name of the people. It derives from the Britons, a tribe that certainly didnt constitute the whole island and are cheifly associated with the part called England. The Scottish (and the Welsh) wouldnt normally call themselves British. It would be like calling a Canadian an American. Technically an argument can be made for it, but you're gonna insult people...
I don;t know anyone from UK that like being called called British. You are either Welsh, Irish, Scot, or English. Of course, you do have Geordies and Cockneys.
Because, presumably, the author assumes that the reader is smart enough to parse "The British" into "The British minus the Scots, of course". Apparently that was too tall an order, though.
I resent your implication that Canada is part of America. I'm an insulted person.
At the time the it would have been English, not British, Im Scottish but I dont mind being called British, because I am. The army would have been made up of English and maybe some welsh troops. The British Army is the king of Britain's army, Henry was not king of Britain, therefore saying British was wrong. It's like saying the Battle of Culloden was Scots versus the English when it was actually Jacobites versus the Government.
Scotland and England weren't unified until 1707.....
@Dissembly if you look at the history of Britain the Britions were pushed into Wales and parts of Cornwall by invading Saxons. Therefore the country now most associated with the original British tribe would be Wales. It is nothing like calling a Canadian an American.I am Scottish and British and proud of both my identities!
Sorry Dissembly, you've screwed that up a bit. "British" as a term for the people of the whole island only dates from political unification (and the English have tended to be fonder of it than the other peoples), so it makes no sense to speak of "the British" in that sense in 1542; but "British" as a _racial_ term would have been associated then with the WELSH, not the English.
So referring to what was very much an English army as "the British" is wrong here whatever way you slice it.
Keep firing at everything ever xD
ReplyPure FPS fun!
Dammit, Cracked, the past tense of "lead" is supposed to be spelled "led" in standard English. I understand the mistake; "read" is spelled the same in all tenses, and you do have the metal lead that's pronounced the same as led, but I've seen this a whole bunch of times on many articles now. Get your s**t together...
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesNobody cares. Shut the f**k up.
I also agree with Crankgorilla. Shut the f**k up.
yeah wee dun wan non of yur pesky grammar round theis parts! stfu!
I agree!!! This whole "ledleadled" thing has gone on for to long. We can not allow ourselves to be lead astray by Cracked!!!
Except you are forgetting that we have more than just past and future tenses. What about the present tense for the word read? Lets see... I read book now. Hm, doesn't seem right. I will read a book, hm, seems to be in future tense. I read a book! Wait, damn, thats past tense. So what could the future tense be??? It obviously isn't read. Oh thats right, its a VERB. I am reading, I was reading, I will be reading later. Just can't find one with plain ol' read as a present tense. Worry less about grammar and more about the content.