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If you're a heterosexual man, you've done at least one thing today purely intended to woo the ladies. The level of effort ranges from merely remembering to shower to training to be an astronaut, but the effort is there. But it turns out many of the most important things you do to attract the opposite sex have nothing to do with skill. #6.
Be Effeminate
Are you a little sensitive about the fact that you're not exactly the manliest dude on the block? And that it takes you six weeks to grow a beard? You shouldn't be. After all, haven't you noticed that suddenly they're selling a lot of men's pants that seem to be designed to fit women? And that Hollywood hunks have gotten a lot less manly over the past, oh, 50 years?
It's looking like if you want to attract the women these days, it helps to be a little lady-like. Seriously? Why? There is apparently a scientific reason why the ideal man these days is closer to the sensitive, gel-haired emo than the gruff, grizzled cowboy your grandma lusted after. Some experts think it has to do with the availability of the birth control pill. Historically women were attracted to strapping, virile men who would pass on their bulging, hairy chested, muscular genes to their children. Obviously the point was to ensure that the resulting offspring would be strong enough to survive all the horrifying claptrap that goes on in the forest at night.
Thanks to some hormone magic, this tends to change after the woman is pregnant. Her brain assumes the most important bit has already been done, and relaxes its "make strong babies" hold over her. This is when she finds herself annoyed by the smelly, bearded, farting creature who impregnated her and finds herself wishing she had a sensitive guy to help with the mothering. But when on the pill, a woman's body thinks she is pregnant all the time. So the theory goes that millions of women have been on the pill at some point in the last 40 years, and their lust objects have changed accordingly. Today they're more attracted to a male archetype who is more effeminate, less aggressive and will make better a life partner than bear killer. So get busy waxing those legs, guys.
#5.
Be Average Looking
Have you ever looked in the mirror and sighed, "Cursed be this plain visage! I'm just so average looking!"?
If so, don't despair. Studies show that people with "average" features are considered more attractive. Seriously? Why? Basically, it works like this: You've seen a lot of people in your life and subconsciously have a good idea of what normal looks like. A very good, very detailed idea. And people like the things they are used to seeing. So if your eyes are the same distance apart as everybody else's, huzzah! You are on your way to sexytown. For instance, look at these photos and decide which row is hotter:
The second row, right? That's because the second row of photos have been subtly manipulated to make the women's features more like everyone else's. Everything from the ratios between nose to eyes to hairline to the nostril hole proportions have been configured to match the average person's, which somehow makes each girl prettier. In the future, plastic surgeons hope to use this knowledge to give people more natural-looking cosmetic surgery, instead of the nightmarish frozen-mask look most surgeons turn out now. #4.
Be Symmetrical
Do you have two arms? Are they of similar size and length? If you find one is slightly larger due to your job as a professional arm wrestler, try alternating. Simply being the same on both sides is one of the best ways to get chicks. Seriously? Why? People with symmetrical bodies are consistently rated the most attractive no matter what their facial attractiveness may be. Again, this is something that made sense a long time ago. Symmetry is a sign of good health and development. Having two legs the same length meant you were better able to run away from predators. If you were less symmetrical, you might pass on weaker genes to your children.
In one study, scientists even removed faces and skin color from the equation, making sure body symmetry was the only thing being judged. The differences between people can be so subtle, the tests subjects couldn't even explain why they chose one over the other. So go find out how symmetrical you are, then get out on the dance floor. Oh didn't we mention? More symmetrical people tend to be better dancers, indicating dancing may have evolved as a way to advertise that fact.
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#6 I wouldn't say I like affeminite guys. I'm a tomboy, but even I want to play the girl in the relationship. I'd say I prefer a more sensitive guy that takes care of his appearance. Oddly enough, the more manly a guy tries to be, the gayer he seems to me, lol.
#5 and #4 Are kind of a given in terms of the animal kingdom.
#3 I love a guy's natural smell. Clean sweat, not BO. I constantly find myself sniffing my boyfriend's neck, I find it so sexy, though for some reason when we started dating I felt repelled by it. Maybe I'm used to it now?
#2 The only thing I find in common with my bf and my dad is that they're both Scorpios... and both lecture me... Oh. God. I DO have Daddy issues...!! And once my bf said I was like his mom when I couldn't decide where to eat. This was before we started dating. Science or no, that's not what a girl wants to hear...
#1... Oh, God #1.... Where the hell was my bf for this?!?
#1 is true if i may say, i spend like 4 hours having sex (well 50% foreplay but anyway) and i found out, after some maths and calculating our trips to the beach, that se was ovulating that day, she is never that lusty, but that was sure as hell a special day, im still trying to figure out the 28-days thing though...
At #1, comment on her tits? Yeah, sorry lady! Not falling for THAT one!
Does the whole "symmetry" thing apply to the face as well? One of my eyes is subtly higher than the other.
Face is of course the first thing anybody notice.
Oh, and if you jerk yourself a lot, your arms will not be symmetrical.
Make sure to only buy one dumbbell and only use it for your weaker hand.
#3 So true. For years I've been confusing the scent of my husband's sweat with aftershave or deodorant. I always assumed it meant our pheremones are compatible. Funny how things work on a chemical level.
I'm glad I don't just have a weird sweating fetish. It gets kind of uncomfortable though when you're surrounded by sweating everybody after PE.
Justin beiber and Robert pattinson are feminine i've been wondering why women liked them.
You can tell which country has the most promiscuous women by their popularity amongst female population.
So true! I don't find manly men attractive. I love guys who may look a little feminine (Zach Efron is a bit of a stretch) but I find myself strangely attracted to Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, and I beleive it's because of the eyeliner. The sweating thing, though, I don't really beleive. Smelly guys are disgusting.
I guess the average thing might work because as a girl I could get up the courage to go for average guys more than drop dead gorgeous ones, because, why would I waste y time on a guy who could probably get and go for a girl much hotter than me?
If there's one thing all guys love, it's high standards like yours. Seriously. There's nothing more attractive than a woman who is convinced that she can go for someone "better".
Awesome, great article, I will not shower for a month and go to the bar and ask a woman if she is ovulating so she can be interested in me, thank you, I hope this works.
don't forget the father thing
solid plan, my friend
This is just entertaining and fun. My dad was 50 when I was born. I've trended my whole life to younger men, or should I say they have trended towards me. Whatever. I'm so used to guys 10 + years younger than me that I don't even see guys my own age. Yeah, I know, it's gotta end sometime, but for now I'm enjoying.
Except for "look average" and "be symmetrical", I don't agree with a single thing on this list. I don't like guys who are sweaty, I don't like guys who look like Zack Efron, and my "type" is the absolute opposite of my father. I suppose there's always a few people who go against these "scientific facts."
Maybe, like with most women, you're just completely self-deluded?
Yeah, well maybe most women didn't have a douche for a father so don't have that problem? From the admittedly zilch proof I have of having read this from a reliable source, most women tend to go for men similar to their fathers (possibly this prevents said father from killing said man since they get along?)
science isn't the magical answer to everything, its essentialy, guesswork and theories, o the theories, science is awsome, but at the end of the day its no better than a guess
@caffeinatedburd
Which shows just how very little you actually know about science. Either that, or you have an extremely skewed idea of what a guess is. A guess is more akin to a hypothesis... that is, a statement based on what one would expect things would be like. A scientific theory comprises a collection of concepts, including abstractions of observable phenomena expressed as quantifiable properties, together with rules (called scientific laws) that express relationships between observations of such concepts. A scientific theory is constructed to conform to available empirical data about such observations, and is put forth as a principle or body of principles for explaining a class of phenomena.
@moonloon
There's a name for what you claim to be... it's called an outlier. If you're not familiar with statistics, it means you're an exeption that has very little bearing on the rule. There are as few absolutes in science as there are in life (hint: none).
@ UncleSam
Also, according to your statement, maybe like most men, you can't see out of that ass you shoved your head in?
1) They're not talking about guys who are funky, who have been exerting themselves, or are unclean. It's not like perfume, not like stank, just freshly unscented.
2) Did you ever watch Troy? If not look at a couple of videos of the fights and choose between Achilles or Ajax.
Brad Pitt is an effeminate man. In this movie, he was trained in a modified snake style, favored by female martial artists because it doesn't rely as much upon power as it does grace and agility, to act as a foil against the typically "macho" Ajax and his overbearing power style.
If you prefer Ajax, are you on the pill? Consider if the hormones (or lack of) may be affecting your judgment.
3) Is your dad an a*****e? Or are you still young so that someone like your father seems too old to be a suitable date at this stage?
These absolutely are scientific facts, no quotes needed, but that doesn't mean they are universal laws. Most women, not all, don't want their man to smell like perfume. Most women, not all, want a man who doesn't exhibit the typical cowboy-macho-frat schtick. Most women, not all, eventually end up with a guy like their father, because for most women, not all, their father is really the first man they love, even if it's not in the same way they eventually love their husbands. (Maybe it is, who am I to judge.)
But there are always exceptions.
UncleScotty, random sexist generalizations make you sound stupid and bitter.
#5 is wrong, because we use "average" to mean two different things. Mathematically speaking, Cracked is using it to mean "mode" (i.e. the value that comes up the most frequently) instead of "mean." In those studies, "average" doesn't mean looking like the greatest number of other people; it means your face looks like a *mathematical average* of the facial features in your gene pool (which is rare). The most attractive faces represent "averages" in the sense of a mathematical ideal, not in the sense of being commonly occurring.
P.S. I registered on Cracked solely to point this out.
Yeah? Gee, thanks, Professor. The *average* cracked reader doesn't give a rat's ass.
I found the fact that you wasted so much time to tell this to all of five people and twenty spambots almost as funny as the article itself
i agree with uncle scotty
sexo is right though.
That's an interesting point, but I do think that they meant "average" by how most people look. Although they did show that picture where they changed people's faces to be more mathematical average (the golden ratio, stuff like that)so actually, it is a little ambiguous as to what they mean by "average".
you need a hobby.
Mode! Thank you! That is the mathematical term I was searching for the other day. Seriously, thank you!
Haha, haven't used that word since high school...
You JUST registered on Cracked to post this comment, hoping for us to take you seriously, and yet you went with the name "SexoGrammaticus".... Nice going, dumbass.
Attraction to effeminate men is not new. Dionysus was associated with sexuality and was thin, blond and girly looking.
I don't even know what my dad looks like. I want an invisible man.
I remember a couple of years ago when I was with my(then)girlfriend. I had to meet her somewhere, anyway, when she arrived she just froze in front of me. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that she thought I was her estaranged father. Very weird.
#1 is awesome.
Win, definitely a win.
#1 is just another reason to perfect safe, surgical birth control
#3 I knew women had the smelling powers of dogs
You forgot to mention that the pheromones mentioned in number 3 can clue a guy in to when the girl is ovaulating mentioned in number 1. People have no idea how badly they are blinding the senses of their partner when they use artifical scents. I've heard atleast one study question whether that plays into why divorce rates are so high.
#3 says women are most attracted to the men who have the most genetic difference from them. #2 says pretty much the opposite.