There are whole aisles full of deodorants and antiperspirants and other products meant to do nothing but disguise the disgusting smell of your sweat. Holy crap, that must mean women will run away in mid-vomit the moment your sweaty ass comes within a hundred feet! Go take a shower, you pig!
Ah, not so fast. It turns out few things turn women on more than your natural, sweaty smell.
That sweat contains sexy, masculine chemicals that cause girls to experience "heightened mood, physiological arousal and subjective sexual arousal," which is just fancytalk for horny.
Looks like someone got beat with the sweaty, girly-faced stick.
The science of pheromones is controversial but we do know that women have insane abilities when it comes to smelling out the right guy. Scientists did a study where men and women wore the same T-shirts for a few days, avoiding all deodorant or scented products. Then a group of women smelled the buttnasty shirts.
Not only were the ladies able to tell which shirts had been worn by men, the scents they rated most attractive were from the men who had the most genetic differences to them, something we look for in a mate. Oh and that body symmetry thing we just talked about? Yeah, they could smell which of the men were most symmetrical.
Sexiest scientific study, like, ever.
#2. Look Like Her Dad
So you've got the symmetry of a Picasso portrait held by a drunk palsy-handed guy, you're as brawny as Sasquatch on Rogaine and you happen to hold yourself to basic hygienic standards, you've still got one more option. Go out and find a guy who looks just like you but about 30-years older. Then ask to meet his daughter.
"Sir, I do believe this is fate."
Yes, it's true, people really do fall for partners who look like their parent. This phenomenon even extends beyond basic facial features. If a woman's father was already old (like over 40) when she was born, she will tend to go for older suitors.
Ladies, the same goes for guys. Studies have shown that a man with an older than average mother will not be as bothered by wrinkles and gray hair as other men. So if you're a lady and you're getting on a bit (which would be weird, because you're reading Cracked, but whatever), go ahead and embrace this whole "cougar" trend and find yourself a young guy with an old mom. Run with it. Run hard.
Too young! Retreat! Too young!
And if all else fails...
#1. Find a Girl Who is Ovulating
For those of you who were distracted by the vagina diagram during Sex Ed class, ovulation is when an egg is released from an ovary into a fallopian tube. For 12 to 24 hours a month an ovulating woman is a fertile field of babyfruit bearing ripeness.
If the girl at the club happens to be in this biological state, congratulations. The bar has never been lower for what she considers an acceptable mate.
Time to make your move, brother.
Whether she consciously wants a baby or not, her body sure as hell does. Her lips plumpen, her pupils dilate, her voice increases in pitch and, most importantly, her breasts swell. On their egg days, women can just sit back and let their ovaries turn her into Jessica Rabbit. OK, many women also get abdominal pain and low grade fevers, but still, boobs.
Of course, this has evolutionary benefits. It makes sense for a woman to appear most attractive when she is at her most fertile. But the added side effect is for all of you guys who don't even possess the basic requirements for attractiveness outlined above. Studies have found that during ovulation a woman is less picky about the men she sleeps with, and is more likely to have sex with multiple partners.
Victim of constant ovulation?
The trick of course is how to find out if said woman is ovulating, since if you're smooth enough to work that into a conversation, you are also probably smooth enough to pick her up the old-fashioned way. Try complimenting how unusually huge her boobs look and go from there.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
And don't forget to check out History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. Or find out why we're better at give relationship advice than Cosmo, in 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital.
And stop by our Top Picks to see what an office full of deodorantless workers looks like.