6 Ways You Can (Accidentally) Attract the Ladies
#3.
Sweat
There are whole aisles full of deodorants and antiperspirants and other products meant to do nothing but disguise the disgusting smell of your sweat. Holy crap, that must mean women will run away in mid-vomit the moment your sweaty ass comes within a hundred feet! Go take a shower, you pig!
Ah, not so fast. It turns out few things turn women on more than your natural, sweaty smell.
Seriously? Why?
That sweat contains sexy, masculine chemicals that cause girls to experience "heightened mood, physiological arousal and subjective sexual arousal," which is just fancytalk for horny.
Looks like someone got beat with the sweaty, girly-faced stick.
The science of pheromones is controversial but we do know that women have insane abilities when it comes to smelling out the right guy. Scientists did a study where men and women wore the same T-shirts for a few days, avoiding all deodorant or scented products. Then a group of women smelled the buttnasty shirts.
Not only were the ladies able to tell which shirts had been worn by men, the scents they rated most attractive were from the men who had the most genetic differences to them, something we look for in a mate. Oh and that body symmetry thing we just talked about? Yeah, they could smell which of the men were most symmetrical.
Sexiest scientific study, like, ever.
#2.
Look Like Her Dad
So you've got the symmetry of a Picasso portrait held by a drunk palsy-handed guy, you're as brawny as Sasquatch on Rogaine and you happen to hold yourself to basic hygienic standards, you've still got one more option. Go out and find a guy who looks just like you but about 30-years older. Then ask to meet his daughter.
"Sir, I do believe this is fate."
Seriously? Why?
Yes, it's true, people really do fall for partners who look like their parent. This phenomenon even extends beyond basic facial features. If a woman's father was already old (like over 40) when she was born, she will tend to go for older suitors.
Ladies, the same goes for guys. Studies have shown that a man with an older than average mother will not be as bothered by wrinkles and gray hair as other men. So if you're a lady and you're getting on a bit (which would be weird, because you're reading Cracked, but whatever), go ahead and embrace this whole "cougar" trend and find yourself a young guy with an old mom. Run with it. Run hard.
Too young! Retreat! Too young!
And if all else fails...
#1.
Find a Girl Who is Ovulating
For those of you who were distracted by the vagina diagram during Sex Ed class, ovulation is when an egg is released from an ovary into a fallopian tube. For 12 to 24 hours a month an ovulating woman is a fertile field of babyfruit bearing ripeness.
If the girl at the club happens to be in this biological state, congratulations. The bar has never been lower for what she considers an acceptable mate.
Time to make your move, brother.
Seriously? Why?
Whether she consciously wants a baby or not, her body sure as hell does. Her lips plumpen, her pupils dilate, her voice increases in pitch and, most importantly, her breasts swell. On their egg days, women can just sit back and let their ovaries turn her into Jessica Rabbit. OK, many women also get abdominal pain and low grade fevers, but still, boobs.
Of course, this has evolutionary benefits. It makes sense for a woman to appear most attractive when she is at her most fertile. But the added side effect is for all of you guys who don't even possess the basic requirements for attractiveness outlined above. Studies have found that during ovulation a woman is less picky about the men she sleeps with, and is more likely to have sex with multiple partners.
Victim of constant ovulation?
The trick of course is how to find out if said woman is ovulating, since if you're smooth enough to work that into a conversation, you are also probably smooth enough to pick her up the old-fashioned way. Try complimenting how unusually huge her boobs look and go from there.
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I seem to fall for girls that are poor organizers and get very defensive over little things. But at the same time, to women that are very much different from myself. I know that feeling: like your brain isn't sure whom to trust.
ReplyWait. We want to find someone as genetically different from us as possible but also looks like our father, one of the people who is genetically closest to us? Science! Y u no be consistent?
ReplyActually, it's really like that. I read about a study that showed photos of men to women, and also the sweated t-shirt thing, and it happened that the better-smelling guys were genetically different, while the most attractive faces were genetically closer. Crazy, but it seems it's that way (I don't remember the reason, but the whole "looks like my father/mother" thing may have to do with the "seems familiar so he's trustworthy" thing).
Paris Hilton (I accidentally almost wrote Hitler! Whoops!) is as ugly as hell, Christ, I wouldn't touch that with a hundred foot nose. She's like Sarah Jessica Parker's entire body was condensed into a nose, like a donkey made it with an ant-eater, like......you get it.
ReplyI suck at humor.
*at*, edit isn't working.
Not that this wasn't true and hilarious... but she probably wouldn't wanna f**k you either, dude.
ReplyWelcome to__militarylover*c om__A place to meet military singles and admirers in the world!You can find friendship, love, romance, marriage or even more.Sign up is totaly free,It's the best time to join now,have a try,you can get more!
I'd just like to point out that the haircut in #4 is AMAZING, f**k what science says.
ReplyI disagree. Yeah, I just said that, wanna fide aboud id? :p
i'm not fully symetrical i have a slight point on one ear but not the other. . . maybee i'm 1/4 elf or somthing.
ReplyWeird I got the same exact thing. My dad has it on both ears, and my mom on neither.
There's a problem with the assumptions in #6. An effeminate guy is likely to spend 30-60 minutes preening themselves every day, and likely to spend some portion of their income on "beauty products". Instead, I have 30-60 minutes and god know how much more money to spend on actively supporting my wife and family.
ReplyI have my own money, I'd rather be with a guy who is actually attractive.
It's more than just effeminate behaviors. The article they cited was about differing bone structures and such.
Another thing to attract the ladies would be, to be in a relationship and/or have a lot of sex (has something to do with pheromones and self-confidence and stuff) - which kind of sucks most of the time, because you get checked out more when you don't need it, offered sex when you perhaps don't want it (at least the aftermath of cheating), and then, during those phases where you feel no woman even notices you, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ReplyThe haircut in #4 is f*****g awesome. Haters are, as has been shown many times, gonna hate.
ReplyI... think you missed the point. The caption says, "Science says," not "we the writers and all people everywhere." It was a joke. Get it? The hairstyle is asymmetric? But people like symmetry? Get it? Get it?
God, do we have to explain everything to you people? Pull up your big kid panties and stop getting offended over obvious jokes/sarcasm. Shit.
Haters gonna hate...God, that meme needs to f*****g die.
What about periods during which effeminate men were considered attractive before the birth control pill?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesp.s. I only realized I was attracted to effeminate men when I found out that, according to most men, being clean and well dressed and smelling good were considered effeminate characteristics.
I agree. I thought I didn't like "girly" men, considering I do have a thing for beards and strong builds (not freakish like a bodybuilder, and it's my personal belief that you can still look 'strong' without having 6-pack abs and a flat stomach... it's all in the arms, shoulders, and chest). I guess I must be a lesbian if I just want him not to smell like a gym locker.
True, and I think it's safe to say us girls aren't ALL on the pill? There must be other reasons too, right?
Well, to be fair, it's a multi-faceted issue. That is to say, the effect of the pill may have indirect effects as well: With a lot of women on the pill, the median number of women attracted to effeminate characteristics drastically increases, which changes the *culture*. When the culture changes (it's had a few decades to do this.) women who aren't on the pill would still be affected by exposure to these cultural changes wrought by a few decades of having lots of women on the pill, especially young women. (The young have more cultural influence.) Furthermore, cultural influence aside, some people are going to have different tastes than others. (That is, you might just be outliers, aka, *freaks!* ) It's all good though. Best wishes!
Rudolph Valentino died in 1926, and during his lifetime gossip rags were decrying "the death of the American man".
I think it should be noted that the sweaty smell of a man right after a moderate workout is very, very different than the sweaty smell of a man who spent three days on the couch eating cheetos.
ReplyWhat if I've been eating Cheez-its instead?
Okay, I call bullshit. Who did women actually want to f**k in the decades before birth control? Rudy Valentino, Elvis Presley, James Dean. In their time as sex symbols they were doe-eyed, soft-featured, ambiguous young men, which was more or less the style at the time. (GIS "young Clint Eastwood", I'll wait. See if you can find that picture of him shirtlessly staring at the revolver he's holding the wrong way as if he's afraid it's going to bite him.) Sure, some women wanted to f**k John Wayne or Humphrey Bogart instead, just like some women today would rather nail Daniel Craig than Zac Efron. I don't think we're looking at any kind of sweeping social change here.
Reply(Also, it's weird to state that women should be attracted to a certain kind of man and if they're not it's because they've been ruined by science or something. Science is not taking all our wimminz.)
Sex symbols are present in every generation.
And here ive been wasting my entire life developing useful social skills, like having a good sense of humor and a likeable personality. Why didnt anyone warn me that women were all just incestuous truffle pigs?
ReplyHey, hey, hey. We're not ALL incestuous. Some of us are asexual.
^Asexual, as in reproduction (in which case there's a lot of anatomists who would love to chop you up), or as in not having interest in sex? If it's the latter, you're boring.
Ordained Pastor ad? Really?
ReplyAlso, now I know why so many of my exbfs reminded me of my dad in some ways.
1 and 6 are contradictory advice for similarly scientific reasons. If she's ovulating she'll want the bearded burly guy. Personally I think #2 is the most sound advice, because like either Dan O'Brein or Brockway once said, "There are two types of women, those with daddy issues, and men." (I seriously can't remember which one it was. I know I read it on Cracked)
Reply"If she's ovulating she'll want the bearded burly guy."
Uh, no. It just means she's less selective about who she sleeps with. If she is usually into clean cut men, that might mean she is more likely to sleep with a rugged lumberjack. But if she's already into rugged men, then she might be more likely to sleep with a clean cut guy.
Actually, 1 and 6 are not contradictory at all. If a woman is on hormonal birth control, she shouldn't be ovulating. Birth control works by releasing hormones that prevent ovulation and make the uterus/vagina generally inhospitable to sperm (e.g. cervical mucus thickens). If a woman is ovulating, she will be much more likely to sleep with (almost) anything she can get. On birth control? No egg released, no burning subconscious desire to get that egg fertilized.
Damn! I'm an asymetrical below average scruffy-looking man.
Replyand a nerf-herder.
Being Effeminate - why David Bowie is married to a supermodel.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesIt also explains why girls love the Japanese fashion designer/musician/lyricist Mana sama.
Damn you! I was thinking to myself that I don't like girly looking men, and then you mentioned Bowie. I can't resist him. Okay Cracked, you win this round...
Every woman would f**k Bowie and only Bowie if given the chance. Iman is the anointed.
Every woman? Try every biological creature. Actually, that one might be too vague too. In the right lighting inanimate objects can be seen inching closer to David Bowie.
None of you have seen him with a beard, then. Didn't quite work for him. Probably why he only kept it for about eight minutes...
This whole thread is full of win.
I only liked the middle girl on the second row of photos... I preferred the first and third girl on the top row.
Reply:|
I cried, just a little bit, when I read, "Science say this haircut is stupid."
ReplyNever used birth control and I can't say I like 'effeminate' guys but not into guys that just let themselves go either or hide their faces behind beards and mustaches. Girls want to -see- a guy; not someone hiding behind facial hair and being unclean. In the end, the most attractive thing about a guy is a self-esteem because the other stuff, like hygiene falls into place then anyway and you don't get stuck with the emo.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSilly metrosexuals. Beards and mustaches are not cloaking devices, those are part of how humans look. Your association that beard=dirty is also somewhat disturbing. Did you personaly stop washing when your hair grows and think this applies to everyone?
Hiding behind facial hair? Bitch, that is not why men grow beards.
The only counter evidence needed: Robert Brockway's mustache.
Metrosexual is just a fancied up for saying "passively homosexual". Just step out of the closet and admit it.