The other day the entire Cracked staff was sitting around on our lunch break when one of us realized, hey -- you, our reader, isn't having sex right now. We all agreed that was an injustice that could not stand, but what could we do? We are but an internet comedy site. Then we realized that the answer was simple -- we should make an entire freaking web series about it. Rom.Com is the new show from the people who brought you Adventures in Jedi School (us), and Agents of Cracked (also us, but like, a long time ago ... so it doesn't seem real anymore, ya know?).
Of course, filming a series takes longer than 36 hours, so while we finish this up, please enjoy this Cracked Classic, which will scientifically explain how the weirdest, most utterly random things make you more attractive. And please take your time reading because -- and don't tell our bosses this -- we haven't actually started filming Rom.Com yet. Heh. We are so screwed.
If you're a heterosexual man, you've done at least one thing today purely intended to woo the ladies. The level of effort ranges from merely remembering to shower to training to be an astronaut, but the effort is there.
But it turns out many of the most important things you do to attract the opposite sex have nothing to do with skill.
Are you a little sensitive about the fact that you're not exactly the manliest dude on the block? And that it takes you six weeks to grow a beard? You shouldn't be. After all, haven't you noticed that suddenly they're selling a lot of men's pants that seem to be designed to fit women? And that Hollywood hunks have gotten a lot less manly over the past, oh, 50 years?
Put your pants back on. It's Jude Law.
It's looking like if you want to attract the women these days, it helps to be a little lady-like.
There is apparently a scientific reason why the ideal man these days is closer to the sensitive, gel-haired emo than the gruff, grizzled cowboy your grandma lusted after. Some experts think it has to do with the availability of the birth control pill.
Historically women were attracted to strapping, virile men who would pass on their bulging, hairy chested, muscular genes to their children. Obviously the point was to ensure that the resulting offspring would be strong enough to survive all the horrifying claptrap that goes on in the forest at night.
Thanks to some hormone magic, this tends to change after the woman is pregnant. Her brain assumes the most important bit has already been done, and relaxes its "make strong babies" hold over her. This is when she finds herself annoyed by the smelly, bearded, farting creature who impregnated her and finds herself wishing she had a sensitive guy to help with the mothering.
But when on the pill, a woman's body thinks she is pregnant all the time.
So the theory goes that millions of women have been on the pill at some point in the last 40 years, and their lust objects have changed accordingly. Today they're more attracted to a male archetype who is more effeminate, less aggressive and will make better a life partner than bear killer. So get busy waxing those legs, guys.
Put your pants back on. It's Zac Efron.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and sighed, "Cursed be this plain visage! I'm just so average looking!"?
"Oh, hell yes."
If so, don't despair. Studies show that people with "average" features are considered more attractive.
Basically, it works like this: You've seen a lot of people in your life and subconsciously have a good idea of what normal looks like. A very good, very detailed idea. And people like the things they are used to seeing. So if your eyes are the same distance apart as everybody else's, huzzah! You are on your way to sexytown.
For instance, look at these photos and decide which row is hotter:
The second row, right? That's because the second row of photos have been subtly manipulated to make the women's features more like everyone else's. Everything from the ratios between nose to eyes to hairline to the nostril hole proportions have been configured to match the average person's, which somehow makes each girl prettier.
In the future, plastic surgeons hope to use this knowledge to give people more natural-looking cosmetic surgery, instead of the nightmarish frozen-mask look most surgeons turn out now.
Do you have two arms? Are they of similar size and length? If you find one is slightly larger due to your job as a professional arm wrestler, try alternating. Simply being the same on both sides is one of the best ways to get chicks.
People with symmetrical bodies are consistently rated the most attractive no matter what their facial attractiveness may be. Again, this is something that made sense a long time ago. Symmetry is a sign of good health and development. Having two legs the same length meant you were better able to run away from predators. If you were less symmetrical, you might pass on weaker genes to your children.
Science says this haircut is stupid.
In one study, scientists even removed faces and skin color from the equation, making sure body symmetry was the only thing being judged. The differences between people can be so subtle, the tests subjects couldn't even explain why they chose one over the other. So go find out how symmetrical you are, then get out on the dance floor. Oh didn't we mention? More symmetrical people tend to be better dancers, indicating dancing may have evolved as a way to advertise that fact.