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2012 is like watching a Special Olympics weightlifting event. The young man grunting and flexing under the lights is showing off. His feats of strength are impressive. There is awe in the eyes of those who witness his skills, his talents. But in the end, regardless of how cut he is, how much he can bench and how awesome it is to see him do it, you're just watching a powerfully strong person with below average intelligence pick up heavy things and drop them. And that's all you're doing.
That's not to say there can't be any enjoyment in that, and not just of the mean-spirited variety, either. Word is that this movie cost about 250-million dollars. There are maybe two or three moments total where it doesn't look like it. And if you're coming solely to watch a moron hoist the left coast and smash it down into the ocean, you're going to leave pleased. But there is a story here, and it takes up a significant amount of the nearly three-hour runtime and, unfortunately, that same moron is in charge of that, too. To wit:
John Cusack is Jackson Curtis, a barely-published author estranged from his wife (Amanda Peet) who lives with his children (both annoying moppets) and their prospective stepdad (Tom McCarty). Cusack is taking his annoying kids on a lame camping trip, where they happen upon the Army monitoring the crust of the Earth thanks to Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) an earnest, naive scientist who has discovered that the sun is jizzing neutrinos into the core of the Eart. This of course, will cause the core to overheat, giving the Earth really bad skin, like geological psoriasis crossed with volcanic pizzaface. Just like the Mayans always said it would happen.
After the Army releases him and his kids, Cusack bumps into Woody Harrelson, looking like a homeless wood nymph and living in an RV, subsisting off Pabst and pickles. That sentence, by the way, accurately describes probably the most three-dimensional character in the entire movie. Anyway, Harrelson has been keeping tabs on the government's secret plan to build humanity saving superboats called "Arks," because the government has really shitty writers and planners. Cusack sponges a couple PBR's off Harrelson, writes him off as a crazy wood nymph with shitty taste in beer and drives his kids home just in time for LA to fall into the ocean as Bill Hicks smiles and lights another Marlboro 100 in Hell.
From this point forward, Cusack outraces an earthquake, drives through a collapsing building, jumps a limo AND an RV over giant cracks on the ground, outruns the ash cloud from the eruption of Yellowstone National Park on foot, drives a Bentley out of a crashing airliner onto a glacier and manages to hold his breath for roughly eight minutes underwater. Because he's been cast to be "cool" and appeal to "the kids," he does it all with the same bored, lazy, uninspired look on his face, even when he's screaming for his life.
The characters aren't even characters, they're single personality traits dressed up in human suits. When it's most convenient, they transform into convenient stepping stones for the plot. Like when Peet's plastic surgeon boyfriend happens to know how to fly a plane. Or when Cusack, mankind's least published author, also happens to also be the human being best equipped to navigate raining automobiles, failing skyscrapers and, most impressively, Los Angeles traffic in a fucking limo. Everyone else in the movie can be summed up entirely by two-word descriptions. Danny Glover is: BLACK PRESIDENT. George Segal is: OLD DAD. Oliver Platt is: ASSHOLE BUREAUCRAT. Beatrice Rosen is: HOT WHORE. One of Cusack's kids still wets herself at age seven, an endearing character quirk until we realize that it's her defining characteristic. In fact, as the camera pulls back through the clouds to bring us the end credits, we get: "No more pull-ups!" she proudly tells a smiling Cusack. I forgot this was a plot point until she capped off the survival of humanity by reminding us of mankind's real victory: bladder control. And you're going to need a mastery of that skill if you hope to make it through all two-hours and 40-minutes of 2012
Emmerich doesn't try to avoid the classic disaster movie cliches. Nor does he try to put a creative spin on them. He simply grabs every single one of those cliches, and I mean every single disaster movie cliche you've ever seen, from Irwin Allen to his own Independence Day, and he wallows in them shamelessly. I don't mean that in the haughty literary way. I mean to use the word in the way mangy dogs understand it as they flop on their back--feet in the air, tongues lolling--and wallow in the freshly flattened carcass of some large rodent that found itself under a semi's wheels. That is how Emmerich wallows in 2012, twisting his hips, eyes glassy and wild, red rocket gleaming in the beautiful, pointlessly destructive asshole we know as the sun. For more from Fatboy, check out his review of The Invention of Lying and The 5 Most Unintentionally Racist Movies About Racism. |
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Haha thats hell funny! i couldn't have said it better myself - well possibly :)absolutely tragic film and i am appalled by Cusack. What the hell happened to him? He was wicked and funny in Gross Point Blank and then just rocks up in this heap of s**t. Shame Cusack, shame. And how much of a whore was Amanda Peet's character in this? The writers make out she loves her new man to bits, then doesn't have her even ask where he is when he gets minced on the ark? Nice.
LOL! the worst part is that this is all true! the movie just blends all the crappy clichés! Divorced parents? The kids staying with mom and his annoying boyfriend? Dad's a loser who ends up saving the fucking world? are you kidding?!
some scenes were cool though
Apparetly, Hollywood stopped gathering inspiration on history, literature or plain imagination and started to learn its logic from, amazingly, Porn.
In porn there's a simple and straightforward logic: 'The largest amount of fucking you can put onscreen with the slightest amount of meaning of what they're doing, not to get unreal,you know?'
Trade 'Fucking' for 'Special Effects' and TA-DA! You get Hollywood.
You know you're in trouble when the 1st ten minutes of "UP" is more heart-wrenching than all the dramatic scenes in your movie combined.
wat if there was sum crazy tortured genius mayan dude who did all the astronomy and wrote the calender by himself cause he's a crazy genius. he'd be pissed 2 see tht all the mayans are gettin the credit 4 his work. haha, if tht were true, i bet he would hav been made fun off in his day too for bein crazy.. poor hypothetical crazy tortured genius mayan...
And the funny thing is this article doesn't even begin to explain how much this goddamn movie sucks, for that purpose you'd need at least 10 pages, man what a waste of time.
2012 What the Mayans Didn't Know
By russ maggio
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Rated "G" by the Author.
2012 Theory
2012
WHAT THE MAYANS DIDN'T KNOW
DARKWING NIGHTMARE 2012
The Mayan civilization produced some of the greatest architects and builders in the history of mankind. The precision assembly of the interlocking parts of their structures from temples to pyramids and town squares is astounding given the technology of their day. More impressive still is the execution of the intended precise placement and geometrical relationships of the structures to each other.
The most intelligent people of our day send men and machines into space. We prove piece by piece the very origins of the universe and our existence. The microscopic biology of life itself is being put together like so many pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Frankly, I would love to know what the smartest people of our day are really doing.
Is it so hard to believe that the smartest people of their day could produce seemingly advanced architectural works without divine or extraterrestrial intervention? No, not really.
The Mayans were more though. They were great and precise time keepers and astronomers. Their calender has been proven to be so precise that it boggles the mind and challenges super computers to match its exactness. The basis for the calender, their astronomical observations, is even more impressive. The Mayans charted the visible universe as well as any culture has before or since.
Once again, is it so hard to believe they could have done this on their own? Yes and no.
Looking back even deeper into history other, older cultures exhibited some of the same seemingly advanced capabilities as the Mayans. The ancient Egyptians first come to mind. The construction of the pyramids and the city of Giza, along with their geometrical positioning in relation between the structures is arguably even more impressive than similar work done by the Mayans. The Egyptians were also outstanding astronomers. It is a common historical trait.
Could the Mayans have used their astronomical skills to calculate the end of their long count calender to coincide with the galactic alignment? This is a big question.
Meticulous record keeping of celestial positioning could have estimated the advance of their perspective position toward the galactic center. Could they however reconcile their calender to coincide with a 26,000 year cycle based on a repetitive cycle of the galactic alignment? No way!
They could however rationalize their conclusions if they were told about the cycle. So who could give them this information and why?
They would have named the tellers Gods. Advanced extraterrestrial beings would have no problem appearing to be Gods to them. If this were the case why would this information, the cycle of our sun and earth achieving galactic alignment be so important? Advanced visitors would presumably have the ability to transfer wondrous information to them. So why is the galactic alignment the most lasting axiom of the Mayans?
Presumably interstellar or inter-dimentional beings would have the ability to change their perspective position within the galaxy. They could avoid avoid danger if a galactic alignment presented itself and posed a danger. They would also know that the Mayans couldn't avoid that danger. Not unless maybe they had say a thousand years or so to figure it out for themselves. Now without lamenting the useless waste of mans ambitions by waging war, and directing scientific developments toward the consolidation of lands and power. We also have worked toward technology that could prove to be our salvation. Let's apply a new theory to identify the potential danger posed by the galactic alignment.
The alignment certainly can pose an unseen threat. Modern science may be peeking at glimmers of the possibility. The galaxy was of course formed by enormous forces. Physicists will be quick to describe a great number of them. Energy, mass, gravity, velocity, etc. etc. etc.. The results of all forces both known and unknown shaped the eliplically shaped galaxy we inhabit. At the center of the ellipse is a roughly round, "nuclear bulge". The size and shape of the galaxy does not stay the same and experiences continuous subtle changes and variations in the forces contained in it. Our planet being aligned with the center of the galaxy should elicit a gasp. Here is why.
Based on recent science we understand that about 75% of matter in the universe is unseen dark matter. We don't presently know enough about it to determine all of its properties and potential cause and effect. Dark matter may well have stronger effects extending outward from the thinner edges of the elliptical arms of our galaxy. It is much more likely the greatest effect of forces will be closer to the center of the nuclear bulge. The nuclear is there for a reason. As a planet we should not want to be aligned with its center. Dark matter has been observed to have incredible effect not only on galaxies, but on clusters of them. See the link Dark Flow:
http://www.darkwingnightmare.com/Dark_Flow.html
also see the link Dark Bang:
http://www.darkwingnightmare.com/-Dark_Bang__Theory.html
Even without the major effects described in dark flow we are in for a bumpy ride. Keep in mind that the dark flow forces have the ability to move and change entire galaxy clusters, and that force emanates somehow from the galaxy. It is probable the forces generated are strongest aligned with the center. We also know that most if not all galaxies have black holes at their center. The black holes may hold the key to the formation and nature of dark matter and dark energy, but we will explore that in a different forum. Being aligned with the galactic changing forces of dark matter is a game changer, and perhaps a game ender.
If only we had seen it coming. We did. If only mankind had a thousand years of technological advances to deal with it. We did. If only greed and war and infighting amongst our species hadn't distracted us from a unified effort. Maybe we could have salvaged 26,000 years of evolutionary advances and existence.
We didn't.
Web Site: Darkwing Nightmare
"BostonRocco: How can you reference Bill Hicks and then just slap in a picture of a random guy smoking"------- The "random guy" in the picture looks sus**ciously like Swaim.
Fuck you, EddieBrock412. Fuck you right in the ear.
You cannot say that Science is okay to ignore for Fun, when they take out the science, and the fun, and replace it with explosions that look shitty because its not a blueray rip. That one movie, where a Baldwin brother has to blow up the moon before the moon blows up, THAT was a decent flick. The science was bullshit, everybody knew it, so nobody had to call it. Explosions and happiness ensued. However, when 2012 was made, they seemed to decide that they needed exciting things happening, and they needed it to sound Sciency, and then they decided that that was a bunch of wasted time.
Case in point: the world is ending, the order is given to evacuate to those who know about the ships. One of whom is that Russian guy. We meet him at a boxing match, apparently his son is a fighter; he inspires his son with magnificent words of fatherly love, in order to help him beat the shit out of the other guy. Some whore is there too, apparently the Russians. Maybe its his daughter, I didn't care that much. Then the order comes, and he dramatically walks away from his whore and evidently-not-that-loved son, who gets his shit kicked in. Five minutes later, we see the Russian peacefully packing clothes in a suitcase in a hotel, with the girl he dramatically left at the boxing ring, which basically nullifies BOTH SCENES. Ten wasted minutes in a three-hour movie.
Or the Plastic Surgeon Potential Stepdad Senor Coolguy, who isn't a pilot and doesn't want to attempt to fly to escape Exploding California. He bitches about only taking a few lessons, he bitches about it being an unfamiliar multi-engine craft, he bitches about not getting to do his preflight checks. Then he proceeds to fly through a sudden fissure, with buildings and fire and people falling into it, while LOOKING UP AT THE STUFF FALLING TOWARDS HIM. I mean, you could have just had him be a good pilot! His odds were the same regardless of how confident he is in his piloting skills!
I'm telling you, man, go out and see the movie. Unless you have a non-functioning brain, YOU WILL BE PISSED YOU GAVE MONEY FOR THIS MOVIE. It is literally any other disaster movie you have already seen, INCLUDING DISASTER MOVIE. Only Danny Glover is Black President.
I walked out after an hour, and slept in the car instead. Interestingly enough, the girl at the counter didn't seem surprised that I wanted my money back.
Oh, and Mayans. This movie is about mayans like LOTR was about Tom Bombadil. Only in 2012, they helpfully say the word Mayans a few times so you know who to blame. THAT IS THE EXTENT OF THE INVOLVEMENT OF THE MAYANS. No mention is given to the fact that mayans thought the sun drank blood, or that they weren't so pretentious as to make a functional calendar for a timespan beyond their reckoning, and then not bother to make it go farther. Seriously - if there were still proper ancient Mayans around today, THEY WOULD HAVE UPDATED THEIR CALENDAR. That is why it ends in 2012 - because that was as far as they cared to make the system go, not because there would be no planet on which to measure time anymore. Fuck. People are idiots, and this movie proves it.
You're review is entirely based on judging 2012 as you would an intelligently written movie entirely focused on plot and realism. That's why it seems bad. Remember seanbaby's review of Ong Bak 2? remember how he said the movie was nothing but plotless action and he loved it for that? That's how you have to look at 2012.
Expect a thought-provoking and intelligent movie, and you will hate 2012.
Expect to have your fucking mind blown by ludicriously over-the-top action and destruction, and this will be your favourite film of the year.
The Bill Hicks reference has popped up in a few places it seems.
That authentic Mayan pizza face disc is staring you doubting dipshits right in the face. 2012 is REAL, man! Congratulations, you've won! Just leave three obvious bank identifiers after you click here.
OMG I so totally agree with the review here... I was kinda bugged by the bald geologists and clean shaven researchers on the tv talking about end of world facts. but after seeing this, it seems i can enjoy life for what it always has been, like getting screwed by politicians and squeezed by the tax department etc. etc. etc.
I saw that last night. The plot did fit the long 2 and 1/2 hours but it was extremely predictable. I pretty much knew half of the stuff in that movie was going to happen. I feel like some of that movie was trying to send some sort of message for society, but I'm not going to ruin anything or make examples here...
Bill Hicks reference, you guys. We need more.
waaaaaaaaahhhhh, the picture isn't really bill hicks, waaaaaaaahhhhh. shut up, bill hicks is awesome and all but who fucking cares.
I saw this movie last night. If I were to ever see it again on disc I would watch the Los Angeles and maybe the Yellowstone disaster scenes, and that's it. The Himalayan sequence at the end was really anti-climatic. As for the characters, every time they had emotional communications it was like watching Anakin and Padme in the Star Wars prequels - you just wanted it to fucking end. There also were a few instances of "Oh my god we're going to die!" moments from characters who HAD ALREADY IMPROBABLY SURVIVED PRIOR DISASTERS IN THE FILM. But what really pissed me off were the "personality switches" within the movie. For instance, Oliver Platt was not an "asshole bureaucrat" through most of the movie, but at the end to create conflict they just said "fuck it" and changed him into one. And the Russian billionaire was even worse - first he lets John Cusack and his family on the plane, then he turns around and totally screws them over when they board the helicopters in China, and then he again turns around and heroically saves his kids and sacrifices his own life in the process. Horseshit. Incredibly poorly-written movie.
How can you reference Bill Hicks and then just slap in a picture of a random guy smoking. Google Bill Hicks and you will literally be drowning in pictured of him smoking a cigarette. Rather than be lazy, just don't put in a picture.
As for the rest. Eh. We all knew what this movie would be. Eye candy for mouth breathers with average to astonishingly low IQs. Kind of like complaining about Michael Bay explosions. Or pointing out that water is wet.
That little plane should've been MELTED for spending a couple of seconds enveloped in the Pyroclastic cloud of the erupting Yellowstone crater. Even the French airport control tower got obliterated the moment it got hit by the super-hot cloud (The Antonov take-off scene)
Don't forget the "Wow, that sounds like Science!" factor.
"See, the nulecules are interacting with the xrays, calculus, square root, x, delta, beta, alpha, black hole, core." And now, we return you to some 'splosions.