The 6 Most Unintentionally Creepy Movie Romances
#3.
Meet Joe Black
The Romance:
When Death comes knocking at your door, your day probably isn't going to end well. Unless, of course, you're a wise, experienced and intriguing guy like Anthony Hopkins, and you have a hot daughter like Claire Forlani. Mostly, it's the hot daughter thing.
The daughter is hot enough to make the Grim Reaper dress up in Brad Pitt's body and learn important lessons about life and love. And also have sex with Claire Forlani.
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
Where to start? Oh, right. Claire fucks Death.
And, somehow, it only gets worse the more you think about it. Beyond riding the boner of the embodiment of death itself, she does it while he also happens to be riding around in a fresh human corpse. So there's kind of a necrophilia angle. Also, it's the corpse of a guy she was flirting with right before he died. That's not exactly fair play. It's sort of like trying to seduce a chick by murdering her boyfriend and wearing his skin.
To make it even worse, Death is still hanging out with Anthony Hopkins, constantly reminding him that he could take his life at any moment.
"But, I'm not going to kill you until after I've banged your daughter. Suck on that."
In the end, Death brings Brad Pitt's corpse back to life, giving him the chance to start flirting with Claire Forlani all over again, unaware that she's already had sex with his dead body. Oh, and this seems to all be happening only a few yards from her father's still-warm carcass.
#2.
Ghost
The Romance:
Come on, you know all about this one, even if you want to pretend it's only because your "girlfriend" made you watch it. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore are a loving and passionate couple who really, really seem to enjoy pottery.
That little clay pot is technically involved in a threesome.
When Swayze's character dies, even that isn't enough to get in the way of true love. He spends most of the movie trying to communicate with her from beyond the grave and keep her safe from her new psychotic boyfriend.
Finally, the couple are reunited with the help of a psychic medium played by Whoopi Goldberg. Swayze is finally able to tell Demi Moore how much he loves her (or "Ditto," or whatever) and warn her not to have sex with the man who killed him.
Then, Whoopi lets Swayze's spirit enter her body so that he can have one last dance with the woman he loves.
Awww...
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
Uh...
Jesus Christ, Demi, keep your fucking libido in check! That's still Whoopi Goldberg!
As members of the audience, we're seeing Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, so it's easy to forget who's doing what, but try to keep this in mind: Demi Moore is having an intimate moment with the body of Whoopi Goldberg, and if the villain doesn't start banging on the door soon, it's pretty clear Whoopi's going to fuck Demi right there on the living room floor.
Now, we're big fans of girl-on-girl action and, in fact, if you went back through every Patrick Swayze love scene from all of his movies and digitally replaced him with another woman, we'd add an entire star to the review scores. But this isn't just "another woman," this is the somewhat terrifying, eyebrow-less Whoopi Goldberg...
...who's about to make sweet love to Demi Moore. If Swayze's evil best friend had burst in without knocking a few minutes later, would he have walked in on Whoopi going down on the girl he'd been hitting on? Would his penis have leaped from his body and hurled itself out the window?
But more importantly, you have to remember that Whoopi was possessed by the man half of a heterosexual couple--a man who used to having a penis. So how would that work? Would the lack of a penis break the romantic illusion? Was Swayze sexually aroused by his wife? How did that manifest itself in his now female body, and how fucking weird must that have been for him? Would the spirit of his penis have been able to inhabit, say, a dildo, and relay sensation as if it was his own member?
We really, really need to stop thinking about this right now.
#1.
Twilight
The Romance:
When Bella Swan first sees Edward Cullen, she knows she's doomed to love him forever. Emphasis on "doomed." And how could she not with those pouty lips, that perfect bone structure and the hair that makes it look like he hasn't showered in weeks?
Fortunately for the spastic Bella, the feeling is mutual, as Edward becomes her number-one stalker and repeatedly sneaks into her bedroom to watch her sleep, which is in no way creepy at all. Of course when we tried this, all we got to show for it was a restraining order, which is just further proof that you should take movies with a grain of salt.
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
Bella is a 17-year-old girl. Edward is a 108-year-old man.
What in the hell could they possibly have in common, besides the fact that they both go to high school? And, now that we mention it, why is this man STILL GOING TO FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?!?! What could he possibly be getting out of the experience?
Oh.
You have to wonder: How many high schools has Edward attended? How many high school girls have mooned over him? And here's the real question that we've been dancing around: How many Bellas have there been? After all, a man doesn't go to high school for 90 years without dating.
"You are my life, now... even more than that bitch who dumped me when she went away to Wash U."
We're guessing that this guy has the creepiest scrapbook ever.
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I don't get Twilight. I just don't see the big deal why a vampire would even bother dating a zombie.
ReplyNow I get needing something to do in the eternity of life a vampire tends to have (unless you're an ugly evil vampire not currently banging Buffy) and if I was immortal, I'd spend the time learning. Multi-lingual, arts, math, whatever. Hell, I'd aim to cure cancer. But High School? f**k that.
ReplyThe "Wash U" comment bugs me. There IS no "Wash U" in Washington. There's the University of Washington (or "Udub") and Washington State University ("WSU" or "wazzoo"). Unless Edward's ex-girlfriend went to Washington University?
ReplyLois is a sexy beast
ReplyThe age thing isn't my biggest problem with Twilight, but it's up there. Understandably Edward's body will always appear to be 17 years old, and to a small degree his emotional maturity will also be stunted (most humans' brains don't reach complete maturity until their early-mid 20's). But you can't tell me that living 108 years won't cause you to mature considerably.
ReplyThe entire plot of that Joe Black movie sounds absolutely stolen from Piers' Anthony's "On A Pale Horse" where the incarnation of death is offered a magician's daughter to prevent his going to hell... damn good book.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAGREED! On all counts. The rest of Anthony's "Incarnations" series is phenomenal as well.
I love Piers Anthony. I thought I was the only one who saw the simularities. I even tryed to get people to read it, to see what I was talking about. No takers.
Except that Meet Joe Black is a remake of a movie called "Death Takes a Holiday," which was made in 1934.
I don't think what Superman and Lois had going on was bestiality since both are sentient beings, capable of making decisions etc. Both are of different species but it's not like a human and a horse. Twilight however creeps me out at how popular it is. I barely managed getting through the first book without wanting to burn it and the movies are no better. I regularly like most depictions of vampires, whether seductive or just plain outright scary. This series just played out more like Edward could be a douche, destructive, abusive stalker who loved this teenage, insecure girl while he just happened to be a vampire.
ReplyYou make that sound like its a bad thing...
Jeez, what girl wouldn't want to be stalked by the immortal bastard child conceived during a drunken encounter between Dracula & Tinkerbell?
i'm guessing you've never read the books or actually watched the movie. if you had, you would think that is was bella who was destructive, and stalked edward.
shut up, i work with teenagers, i read what they read.
People have forgotten all those time travel romances where it turns out the guy is his own grandfather and he is pretty much much bonking his Grandma.
ReplyLong live Fry the Solid
Don't forget Lord of the Rings. He may not look it, but Aragorn is meant to be 87 years old, and his Elf squeeze Arwen is 2,700 years old.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBut here's the kicker... Aragorn is descendant of Elros, one of the nine kings of men, who also happened to be Elrond's half-elf brother. Elrond, remember, is Arwen's father.
Arwen is Aragorn's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great aunt.
I think that's enough differentation, at least for genetic purposes.
first cousin 15 times removed actually which makes it perfectly legal in pretty much any jurisdiction you care to name... (in the UK first cousins can legally marry)
In several of the States, first cousins can marry, also. Disgusting, but legal. Step-siblings can marry, too, which makes me want to puke.
She is a true cougar.
Wait. isn't the idea of a man who's upwards of a century doing it to chicks young enough to be his great-granddaughter the subplot of pretty much every Wolverine comic? Why dose it seem so much more creepy, here? Oh, Right. Because Logan's not an undead creature of the night with a death dealing devil dick, capable of creating the unholy spawn of Satan using the increasingly battered and mutliated body of the young woman as the host for his unspeakable larva. After only one heavy S & M screw. What? That's pretty much what happens in Twilight, eventually, isn't it?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd we don't even get any decent description of said S&M-y screw, just Edward whining like an emo b***h the next morning for leaving bruises. DEVIL SPAWN. Oh, and how has nobody mentioned the part where the werewolf who's also stalking her falls in love with said newborn baby devil spawn?!
Also? Bella is underage when the Twilight series begins. That's not to mention all the OTHER problems that romance has.
Death Dealing Devil Dick sounds like an epic band name.
Your list is incomplete without "Kate and Leopold." The story there was modern woman falls for a man raised in an era where women were, literally, considered property. If that isn't creepy, I can't imagine what is!
ReplyYes, but he was progressive. Don't ruin one of the few chick flicks I can stand!
My best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire manRonald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via -----Success'ful Ming le.C/0/M------- ..it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !-------but you can mee one, the most important is you can find your** true l-o-v-e**! right?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSure, it's a millionaire, but what exactly is a "manRonald"? Some sort of cyborg, or a human/fast food clown hybrid?
This is the third time I've seen this idiot post this.
*what would a spambot know about love? You're some kind of robot that has to post this s**t about every article
Edward Cullen is not a 108 year old man...He is a 108 year old CORPSE! That can apparently produce sperm and get a boner, even though his heart doesn't beat, so his blood doesn't flow through his veins and he is cold as ice. Making it even more fucked up than your description.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI concur.
Maybe vampires are perpetually hard? Don't forget, Vampires boning isn't something new to Twilight: it has been part of their culture almost since their inception.
Back to Twilight though, we could also throw in to the mix that Bella's ultimate choice is to become a necrophilic or to turn to bestiality. To think, most of us consider "The red head or the brunette" to be a tough choice in love...
The original, Bram Stoker's vampires weren't capable of boning. It has been done sever times since then, but it wasn't how they started. Yes, the were alluring, and sexual, but only as means of "hunting". Once they sucked what they needed, *poof* they went
I think people fail to realize that when Superman shoots his load, it probably comes (ahem) out faster than a bullet. I doubt any earth women could handle such a shot.
ReplySee the Hancock deleted scene for that one.
Mall rats much?
Twilight deserves that number 1 spot.
ReplyWhen I watched Big that was the first thought that came into my mind he totally looked like that guy from Bosom Buddies.
ReplyWhat a horrid show that was.
I'm sorry, all I heard was Claire Forlani.
ReplyLet's make a list of all the wonderful things in Twilight: Bestiality, necrophilia, pedophilia, child grooming, kidnapping, threatening, ultimatums, abusive and controlling relationships, unhealthy obsessions, I could go on but I really don't think I need to.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAnd yet people talk about how "boring" the movies are.
Y'know, Twilight would have been a lot better if all of that was intentional and not condoned.
I think my favorite in 'em is the child grooming. "He's in love with his two year old niece! They'll be mates. Nevermind he's a werewolf who finished puberty at an accelerated rate and now is about twenty, and she's.... uh. Two. She'll be forcibly attached to him, too, emotionally. They're like best friends already!" And then again with Bella and Edward's freaky, freaky baby...
pailoong, it's strange, isn't it, so many various, horrific themes, and yet, nobody does anything with them. They just... lay there, terrified and broken, as the audience focuses on -oh, i don't know, marriage and childbirth.
I think they use vampires as a metaphor for the abusive boyfriend who leeches off his girlfriend and ultimately killing her (as in real life where someone in an abusive relationship may become a shell of their former self and they are "dead" inside)
not to mention that Bella is being played by Kristen Stewart who is in fact a robot
ReplyShe is amazing in The Runaways. I was shocked. I diddnt even realize it was her at first.
Yeah but she has nice legs.
You guys are such hypocrites. You don't think you're being racist going on about how gross it is for cute little Demi to be dancing with monkey-face Whoopi?!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI'm pretty sure if the scene had instead involved Halle Berry and Bea Arthur they would still have called bullshit.
whoopi goldberg is wierd-looking. it has nothing to do with the colour of her skin.
Whoopi is a bit odd looking, even if she was a different race that'd still be weird.. js.
And you don't think YOU'RE being racist by calling Whoopi Goldberg monkey-faced?!
Let's look at it this way:Halle Berry+Demi Moore=hot.Whoopi Goldberg+anybody=Oh Dear Lord No