The 6 Most Unintentionally Creepy Movie Romances
Ask any 10-year-old boy, and he'll tell you: Romance is gross. One look at the average Hollywood movie is going to tell you he might just be right.
Somehow, without the filmmakers even noticing, they come up with romantic plotlines that are somewhere between "creepy" and "fuel for your darkest nightmares."
Case in point:
#6.
BIG
The Romance:
Let's be honest, when 12-year-old Josh Baskin wished that he could be "big" he was probably talking about his penis. So, the next morning, when he wakes up to discover an adult-sized dong in his underoos, he happily accepts the fact that his newfound wang comes at the price of 17 years of his life, and he sets out to use that dong.
"...but please, PLEASE don't make me look like that guy from Bosom Buddies."
Luckily for Josh, a sexy and ambitious toy executive in the person of Elizabeth Perkins is happy to lend a hand.
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
The words "illegal," "immoral" and "icky" spring immediately to mind. Remember, Josh made that wish to be "big" because he was sick of waiting around for puberty. We would give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume it just slipped their minds that this was (mentally and emotionally) a pre-pubescent kid being seduced by a 30-something woman. Then again, it seems hard to miss when Josh's big love scene comes right after the scene where he celebrates his 13th birthday. With his 13-year-old best friend.
It's not like they're even trying to hide the fact that their seemingly grown-up protagonist is still a child. Hell, his childlike manner was what attracted Perkins in the first place, which just adds another little layer to the already creepy romance.
Pictured: Completely natural, totally grown-up and in no way childish foreplay.
#5.
Superman
The Romance:
Let's face it, any other guy who had his eyes on Lois Lane never stood a chance. She was seeing a tall, good looking guy with a chiseled frame and, oh yeah, he could fly and bench press several Mack trucks. It's kind of hard to compete with that, and even harder to compete with a guy who can fly around the world so fast he actually reverses its rotation, sending everything back in time in order to save her life. That makes your roses and box of chocolate look like a big pile of shit.
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
You'll probably remember that one of the catch phrases they always use to introduce Superman, right after all the "faster than a speeding bullet" stuff, is "strange visitor from another planet." You know, as in, he's not from Earth. As in, he's not a human being.
Sure, he looks like a human man, thanks to whatever one in a quadrillion coincidence of evolution caused life on Krypton to look just like ours. And he's got a presumably working humanoid dong, but that doesn't change anything. Lois Lane fucked an alien.
Like this, only a little less furry.
Despite appearances, Superman's physiology is so radically different from ours (ie, he can take a shotgun blast to the eyeball without blinking) that biologically Lois would be closer to a donkey. So, yes, it's like some kind of some kind of space bestiality.
Wait, no. Not "like bestiality." It is bestiality. And, considering Superman's immeasurable, godlike superiority, Lois is the beast in this equation.
#4.
Overboard
The Romance:
When the very rich and very terrible Goldie Hawn falls out of her yacht and develops amnesia, Kurt Russel and his mullet decide to swoop in and trick her into thinking that she's been married to him for the last 13 years. Kurt is the good guy in the movie, by the way.
From there, the shenanigans unfold as Kurt treats her like a slave and the two fall in love. Of course, after she gets her memory back, she decides she wants to stay with Kurt forever.
Wait, Something's Not Right Here...
It's not often that you can get away with making a breezy comedy about a hillbilly kidnapping and enslaving an heiress while portraying the hillbilly as the protagonist, but that's exactly what happened here. Sure, it's played off as being all in good fun to teach Goldie a valuable lesson about respecting all people and yadda yadda yadda, but still. Kidnapping.
You could sort of call it brainwashing, too. And, in a way, when she finally warms up to him and they knock boots, you could kind of call that rape. After all, you could make a solid argument that the decision was less free will and more Stockholm Syndrome.
Pictured: Courting.
We're not meant to think about it in these terms because Kurt is just a gruff carpenter with four children to feed, while Goldie is the snotty bitch who hired him to do $600 of carpentry work, treated him like crap and then pushed him out of a boat without paying him. But we can't recall the last kidnapping case where the old "but she owed me money!" defense kept anybody out of prison.
Now I get needing something to do in the eternity of life a vampire tends to have (unless you're an ugly evil vampire not currently banging Buffy) and if I was immortal, I'd spend the time learning. Multi-lingual, arts, math, whatever. Hell, I'd aim to cure cancer. But High School? f**k that.
ReplyThe "Wash U" comment bugs me. There IS no "Wash U" in Washington. There's the University of Washington (or "Udub") and Washington State University ("WSU" or "wazzoo"). Unless Edward's ex-girlfriend went to Washington University?
ReplyLois is a sexy beast
ReplyThe age thing isn't my biggest problem with Twilight, but it's up there. Understandably Edward's body will always appear to be 17 years old, and to a small degree his emotional maturity will also be stunted (most humans' brains don't reach complete maturity until their early-mid 20's). But you can't tell me that living 108 years won't cause you to mature considerably.
ReplyThe entire plot of that Joe Black movie sounds absolutely stolen from Piers' Anthony's "On A Pale Horse" where the incarnation of death is offered a magician's daughter to prevent his going to hell... damn good book.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAGREED! On all counts. The rest of Anthony's "Incarnations" series is phenomenal as well.
I love Piers Anthony. I thought I was the only one who saw the simularities. I even tryed to get people to read it, to see what I was talking about. No takers.
Except that Meet Joe Black is a remake of a movie called "Death Takes a Holiday," which was made in 1934.
I don't think what Superman and Lois had going on was bestiality since both are sentient beings, capable of making decisions etc. Both are of different species but it's not like a human and a horse. Twilight however creeps me out at how popular it is. I barely managed getting through the first book without wanting to burn it and the movies are no better. I regularly like most depictions of vampires, whether seductive or just plain outright scary. This series just played out more like Edward could be a douche, destructive, abusive stalker who loved this teenage, insecure girl while he just happened to be a vampire.
ReplyYou make that sound like its a bad thing...
Jeez, what girl wouldn't want to be stalked by the immortal bastard child conceived during a drunken encounter between Dracula & Tinkerbell?
i'm guessing you've never read the books or actually watched the movie. if you had, you would think that is was bella who was destructive, and stalked edward.
shut up, i work with teenagers, i read what they read.
People have forgotten all those time travel romances where it turns out the guy is his own grandfather and he is pretty much much bonking his Grandma.
ReplyLong live Fry the Solid
Don't forget Lord of the Rings. He may not look it, but Aragorn is meant to be 87 years old, and his Elf squeeze Arwen is 2,700 years old.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBut here's the kicker... Aragorn is descendant of Elros, one of the nine kings of men, who also happened to be Elrond's half-elf brother. Elrond, remember, is Arwen's father.
Arwen is Aragorn's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great aunt.
I think that's enough differentation, at least for genetic purposes.
first cousin 15 times removed actually which makes it perfectly legal in pretty much any jurisdiction you care to name... (in the UK first cousins can legally marry)
In several of the States, first cousins can marry, also. Disgusting, but legal. Step-siblings can marry, too, which makes me want to puke.
She is a true cougar.
Wait. isn't the idea of a man who's upwards of a century doing it to chicks young enough to be his great-granddaughter the subplot of pretty much every Wolverine comic? Why dose it seem so much more creepy, here? Oh, Right. Because Logan's not an undead creature of the night with a death dealing devil dick, capable of creating the unholy spawn of Satan using the increasingly battered and mutliated body of the young woman as the host for his unspeakable larva. After only one heavy S & M screw. What? That's pretty much what happens in Twilight, eventually, isn't it?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd we don't even get any decent description of said S&M-y screw, just Edward whining like an emo b***h the next morning for leaving bruises. DEVIL SPAWN. Oh, and how has nobody mentioned the part where the werewolf who's also stalking her falls in love with said newborn baby devil spawn?!
Also? Bella is underage when the Twilight series begins. That's not to mention all the OTHER problems that romance has.
Death Dealing Devil Dick sounds like an epic band name.
Your list is incomplete without "Kate and Leopold." The story there was modern woman falls for a man raised in an era where women were, literally, considered property. If that isn't creepy, I can't imagine what is!
ReplyYes, but he was progressive. Don't ruin one of the few chick flicks I can stand!
My best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire manRonald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via -----Success'ful Ming le.C/0/M------- ..it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !-------but you can mee one, the most important is you can find your** true l-o-v-e**! right?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSure, it's a millionaire, but what exactly is a "manRonald"? Some sort of cyborg, or a human/fast food clown hybrid?
This is the third time I've seen this idiot post this.
*what would a spambot know about love? You're some kind of robot that has to post this s**t about every article
Edward Cullen is not a 108 year old man...He is a 108 year old CORPSE! That can apparently produce sperm and get a boner, even though his heart doesn't beat, so his blood doesn't flow through his veins and he is cold as ice. Making it even more fucked up than your description.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI concur.
Maybe vampires are perpetually hard? Don't forget, Vampires boning isn't something new to Twilight: it has been part of their culture almost since their inception.
Back to Twilight though, we could also throw in to the mix that Bella's ultimate choice is to become a necrophilic or to turn to bestiality. To think, most of us consider "The red head or the brunette" to be a tough choice in love...
The original, Bram Stoker's vampires weren't capable of boning. It has been done sever times since then, but it wasn't how they started. Yes, the were alluring, and sexual, but only as means of "hunting". Once they sucked what they needed, *poof* they went
I think people fail to realize that when Superman shoots his load, it probably comes (ahem) out faster than a bullet. I doubt any earth women could handle such a shot.
ReplySee the Hancock deleted scene for that one.
Mall rats much?
Twilight deserves that number 1 spot.
ReplyWhen I watched Big that was the first thought that came into my mind he totally looked like that guy from Bosom Buddies.
ReplyWhat a horrid show that was.
I'm sorry, all I heard was Claire Forlani.
ReplyLet's make a list of all the wonderful things in Twilight: Bestiality, necrophilia, pedophilia, child grooming, kidnapping, threatening, ultimatums, abusive and controlling relationships, unhealthy obsessions, I could go on but I really don't think I need to.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAnd yet people talk about how "boring" the movies are.
Y'know, Twilight would have been a lot better if all of that was intentional and not condoned.
I think my favorite in 'em is the child grooming. "He's in love with his two year old niece! They'll be mates. Nevermind he's a werewolf who finished puberty at an accelerated rate and now is about twenty, and she's.... uh. Two. She'll be forcibly attached to him, too, emotionally. They're like best friends already!" And then again with Bella and Edward's freaky, freaky baby...
pailoong, it's strange, isn't it, so many various, horrific themes, and yet, nobody does anything with them. They just... lay there, terrified and broken, as the audience focuses on -oh, i don't know, marriage and childbirth.
I think they use vampires as a metaphor for the abusive boyfriend who leeches off his girlfriend and ultimately killing her (as in real life where someone in an abusive relationship may become a shell of their former self and they are "dead" inside)
not to mention that Bella is being played by Kristen Stewart who is in fact a robot
ReplyShe is amazing in The Runaways. I was shocked. I diddnt even realize it was her at first.
Yeah but she has nice legs.
You guys are such hypocrites. You don't think you're being racist going on about how gross it is for cute little Demi to be dancing with monkey-face Whoopi?!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI'm pretty sure if the scene had instead involved Halle Berry and Bea Arthur they would still have called bullshit.
whoopi goldberg is wierd-looking. it has nothing to do with the colour of her skin.
Whoopi is a bit odd looking, even if she was a different race that'd still be weird.. js.
And you don't think YOU'RE being racist by calling Whoopi Goldberg monkey-faced?!
Let's look at it this way:Halle Berry+Demi Moore=hot.Whoopi Goldberg+anybody=Oh Dear Lord No
Twilight wasn't "unintentionally creepy". IT WAS f*****g CREEPY TO START WITH.
ReplyYeah, but it didn't mean to. It wanted to be a Harlequin, and lost it's way