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Ask any 10-year-old boy, and he'll tell you: Romance is gross. One look at the average Hollywood movie is going to tell you he might just be right. Somehow, without the filmmakers even noticing, they come up with romantic plotlines that are somewhere between "creepy" and "fuel for your darkest nightmares." Case in point: #6.
BIG
The Romance: Let's be honest, when 12-year-old Josh Baskin wished that he could be "big" he was probably talking about his penis. So, the next morning, when he wakes up to discover an adult-sized dong in his underoos, he happily accepts the fact that his newfound wang comes at the price of 17 years of his life, and he sets out to use that dong.
Luckily for Josh, a sexy and ambitious toy executive in the person of Elizabeth Perkins is happy to lend a hand. Wait, Something's Not Right Here... The words "illegal," "immoral" and "icky" spring immediately to mind. Remember, Josh made that wish to be "big" because he was sick of waiting around for puberty. We would give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume it just slipped their minds that this was (mentally and emotionally) a pre-pubescent kid being seduced by a 30-something woman. Then again, it seems hard to miss when Josh's big love scene comes right after the scene where he celebrates his 13th birthday. With his 13-year-old best friend. It's not like they're even trying to hide the fact that their seemingly grown-up protagonist is still a child. Hell, his childlike manner was what attracted Perkins in the first place, which just adds another little layer to the already creepy romance.
#5.
Superman
The Romance: Let's face it, any other guy who had his eyes on Lois Lane never stood a chance. She was seeing a tall, good looking guy with a chiseled frame and, oh yeah, he could fly and bench press several Mack trucks. It's kind of hard to compete with that, and even harder to compete with a guy who can fly around the world so fast he actually reverses its rotation, sending everything back in time in order to save her life. That makes your roses and box of chocolate look like a big pile of shit. Wait, Something's Not Right Here... You'll probably remember that one of the catch phrases they always use to introduce Superman, right after all the "faster than a speeding bullet" stuff, is "strange visitor from another planet." You know, as in, he's not from Earth. As in, he's not a human being. Sure, he looks like a human man, thanks to whatever one in a quadrillion coincidence of evolution caused life on Krypton to look just like ours. And he's got a presumably working humanoid dong, but that doesn't change anything. Lois Lane fucked an alien.
Despite appearances, Superman's physiology is so radically different from ours (ie, he can take a shotgun blast to the eyeball without blinking) that biologically Lois would be closer to a donkey. So, yes, it's like some kind of some kind of space bestiality. Wait, no. Not "like bestiality." It is bestiality. And, considering Superman's immeasurable, godlike superiority, Lois is the beast in this equation. #4.
Overboard
The Romance: When the very rich and very terrible Goldie Hawn falls out of her yacht and develops amnesia, Kurt Russel and his mullet decide to swoop in and trick her into thinking that she's been married to him for the last 13 years. Kurt is the good guy in the movie, by the way. From there, the shenanigans unfold as Kurt treats her like a slave and the two fall in love. Of course, after she gets her memory back, she decides she wants to stay with Kurt forever. Wait, Something's Not Right Here... It's not often that you can get away with making a breezy comedy about a hillbilly kidnapping and enslaving an heiress while portraying the hillbilly as the protagonist, but that's exactly what happened here. Sure, it's played off as being all in good fun to teach Goldie a valuable lesson about respecting all people and yadda yadda yadda, but still. Kidnapping. You could sort of call it brainwashing, too. And, in a way, when she finally warms up to him and they knock boots, you could kind of call that rape. After all, you could make a solid argument that the decision was less free will and more Stockholm Syndrome.
We're not meant to think about it in these terms because Kurt is just a gruff carpenter with four children to feed, while Goldie is the snotty bitch who hired him to do $600 of carpentry work, treated him like crap and then pushed him out of a boat without paying him. But we can't recall the last kidnapping case where the old "but she owed me money!" defense kept anybody out of prison. |
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In the last one you also has to remind that while he is in high school, he maybe was in high school on the 70's, that can become a long list of things he has to tell her about his past, also, he has the mentallity of an ols man, seriusly he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, he's always away of most people, kind of a sociopath, and even has his old-fashiones moral compass, and even wants to die for her or something, he has to have some BIG daddy issues cause she is practically f**king a dead-old body and even having a half-dead son with his wanna-be grand-grandfather
hahaha 666 people like this article.
It's called "UW" (pronounced 'You-dub') not "Wash U". I grew up in downtown Seattle and I have never heard anyone call it Wash U in my life.
Other than that, this was great. I lol'd.
I live in frigging nowheresville Washington and I've never heard it called Wash U in my life. ALWAYS UW.
Wash U = Washington University in St.Louis, NOT University of Washington. Learn.
That's an honest mistake. There's a f**kin Indiana University in Pennsylvania, for f**ks sake.
I know in Twilight, that they go to school to keep the normal illusion, but why aren't those "kids" just homeschooled. Or better the f**k yet, why do they live around people? They could only eat animals or whatever they do even if they weren't around people. ESPECIALLY if they weren't around people so there wouldn't be any temptation. Also, on a stupider note, why couldn't they find a hotter guy to play Edward. Robert Pattinson has the same haircut as Fry from Futurama
I knew Twilight would be first. I always thought that watching Bella sleep thing was really creepy and couldn't understand why girls don't find it creepy. Watching your love interest sleep must be a vampire thing though because Angel does it to Buffy.
there's about eleventy hojillion creepy things about that series. D:
Spacey4, first off, are you 12? Because your spelling, grammar, and overall sentence structure is atrocious. Second, how do you think a 90 year old vampire is a VIRGIN? Seriously? A guy who's 90 years old - a virgin. Please. He's been tapping ass since he was old enough to get a boner. I've never read the series, because quite frankly, there are several authors that have done the vampire/human/werewolf triangle MUCH BETTER than Stephanie Meyer ever could, but that's besides the point. A vampire going to HIGH SCHOOL is extremely stalkerish, creepy, and downright pedophilic. If you don't know what that means, Edward is dating Bella at 17 years old and he's more than quadruple her age; he's a predator and he's immature. Finding your 'soulmate' in a 17 year old child? Please.
no they are not 12,
they are clearly making fun of fangirls
settle your s**t down
"Why is this man STILL GOING TO FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?!?!" Yeah, that's another problem with Twilight, why do they still go to high school just because they permanently look 17? Yes, they choose not to kill other people and don't burst into flam in the sun, but that doesn't mean they couldn't stay off the truant officers radar or something. Just lazy writing right there.
Especially since in WA, you can quit high school at 16. It's not a good idea, but its legal.
Correction: You can quit high school with parental permission at 16. So if your parents don't care enough about your education that they let you drop out at 16 anyways, then I doubt they care if you're passing or not. At which point, if they don't care about school and their parents don't give a damn anyways, why not drop out? That's more budget to spend on kids who actually care about graduating instead of cutting all our classes, teachers, and programs.
Sex isn't even fun until taboo is involved.
Spacey4: Um, it so IS creepy. If you're willing to believe that Edward had never pulled the same tactics on any other underage girl at any of the other high schools he's attended in his 90-whatever years of being a vampire, and think that breaking into someone's house and watching them sleep/more or less stalking them everywhere isn't at all creepy, fine. But think about the reason that Edward is so attracted to Bella: Because he really, really, really, REALLY wants to eat her. And he even tells her this. Repeatedly. Not so much creepy, as just fucked up.
And also, from what I remember of 'Splash', I'm pretty sure she only had the tail when she was in water. On land, she had legs and, presumably, normal female anatomy (initially when she leaves the sea she's walking around naked, much to the delight of passers by - no screams of horror or anything).
you are an idiot.
did you not read spaceys last line? they were kidding,
pretty dumb writing a whole paragraph now isnt it?
OMGZ K ur twilight thing was like sooooo off. edward never dated anyone else ever. which is like weird if u think bout it, cuz like hes sooper hot, but he wasnt like interested in anyone else ever till he met bella. they bookz never actlly say so, but itz implided that hes a virgin. when he meets bella, and feels something for the first time, he starts feeling young again, like how he looks. so its so not creepy!!!!!!
except that hes the equivalent of a intelligent re-animated corpse.
Since when are nouns pluralized with a "z"?
nosebuttter-a friend of mine who is from Shetland Island, off Scotland, told me story one time. He said the local wierdo used to catch these fish, called the Skate, and then screw them. Then he'd eat them. Not judging anything here, just throwing it out there.....
about superman. Didnt Kirk show us it aint nothing wrong with a little alien booty
I think that any movie featuring Robin Williams in a romantic role deserves to be on this list. I mean who didn't wince at Patch Adams, Toys, or any other movie where this missing link of a man blubbered over a lady?
Bleh.
Ok. Backtracking to the Superman thing. Don't you think the whole, "faster than a speeding bullet." would also be something to consider? Also that his 'dong' could be used to drill though diamonds. And I have been told that one of the queerwolves in twilight is in love with an infant. Let's see how they make a movie out of that. Then everyone involved will be sent to jail and balance will return to the universe.
as if that's not bad enough... bella leaves her baby with pedowareworlf to raise.
so he's raising the baby of his high school girlfriend, with the intention of one day f**king her.
so it'll be like her dad f**king her.
wonderful.
What about the movie 'Splash'? You know, where Tom Hanks is madly in love with a gorgeous mermaid? Which sounds all well and good, until you really think about that. She's HALF-FISH. That brings up some obvious problems as far as the whole physical side of romance goes. I mean, I'm sure mermaids are great in the oral department, but I'm reasonably sure that after a while, you're going to want to change it up. Good look getting that from the fish lady. By the way, why is it that she is only fish from the waist down? If there were some crazy mutant fish people (my guess would be in the waters near bikini island), who's to say it wouldn't be from the waist up? That would definitely fix the aforementioned 'problem', but if anyone had any interest in making love to a fish-head with legs, you've got even deeper issues.
FireFighterFonz, are you actually proposing the abduction, and enslavement of rich women?
What about "Little Manhatten", the Indie remake of a Woody Allen film where a 30-something year old guy dates 17 year old girl, only in this version the guy character is 10 or 12 and the girl is 5 or 6. I know it's supposed to make it look cute but it kind of sounds like it was made for a "different" audiance, if you catch my drift. Ya' know like any film starring a talking baby, THAT audiance.
How in hell did you miss Howard the duck?
Lea Thompson has sex with an Alien duck, superman may be alien but at least he was humanoid and not a giant talking duck from another planet.
I saw that film once when I was 14 and I'm still recovering from how in hell the makers thought that interplanetary bestiality would be an acceptable plot device in a FILM MADE FOR KIDS.
@Magstern:
He is cursed to have a soul until he feels a moment of pure happiness. That moment of pure happiness, I guess, is sex (specifically, orgasm) with Buffy. That's right, she made him EJACULATE HIS SOUL.
In Revenge of the Nerds, the head nerd rapes the head jock's girlfriend while wearing the jock's Halloween costume.