#3. Spoof Cards
Long before the Internet, the telephone was invented primarily for perverts and people who like to fuck with other people out of stabbing range. Little known fact: The world's first telephone conversation was not, "Mr. Watson, come in here, I want to see you," but "Mr. Watson, come in here, I want to see you... naked."
In the past, the problem with crank calling and telephonic perversion was that pesky caller ID. Worry no longer, thanks to the Spoof Card. With it, you can change your incoming caller ID number to any 10 digit number you like. Hell, make it 800-YOU-SUCK.
Once again we're sure the manufacturers have no immoral purpose in mind for this product. After all, there are all sorts of perfectly legitimate reasons you'd need to call someone anonymously that have nothing to do with, say, making anonymous threats of violence against your ex-girlfriend's new guy.
But what about your voice? Fortunately, the Spoof Card can also disguise that and promises to do so a lot more effectively than the current method of talking like Christian Bale's Batman or sucking helium from a balloon. And once more there are surely all sorts of non-illegal reasons you'd need to do that. Like if you want to call in to Glenn Beck's radio show but are afraid he'll track you down and show up at your house the next day.
The best part is you can download the Spoof Card right to your iPhone. Are you a deranged pervert with a mountain of misplaced anger? There's an app for that.
#2. The Alibi Network
So you're planning wacky hijinks and need a cover story, something a bit more iron clad than, "I was playing World of Warcraft all night. You can check my login time, Your Honor." An air tight alibi is the golden ticket of the liar; the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card. If only there was a "cutting edge, full service, discrete agency," that specialized in providing their conniving clientele with alibis and excuses...
Why, look at this! It's The Alibi Network!
Need to hide the fact your "business meeting in Boise" is really a gangbang in Bangkok? They can whip up an itinerary, hotel confirmation and a mock hotel answering service. Need to buy the other woman something lacy from Victoria's Secret? They'll handle the purchase and even tuck in a mushy card for you.
So whatever you need to hide and wherever it was you did it, these folks can make sure you were never there at all. And if you can't trust these guys with mountains of your incriminating data, who can you trust?
#1. The TEC-9 Semi-Automatic
Up until this point, the shenanigans we've been talking about were mere child's play. Now it's time to step up to the big leagues with the TEC-9 semiautomatic handgun. Favored by street gangs and the Columbine shooters (who used a modified version), the gun was even featured in RoboCop. So what makes it different than any other gun? Couldn't anything be used as a weapon in the hands of a man with an evil heart?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Well, the fine people at Intratec (TEC-9's manufacturers) advertised that the gun was "resistant to fingerprints." Oh, and they also played up the fact that it had a threaded barrel, where you could fit a silencer on it. You know, for home defense.
Unfortunately for all of you hunters who wanted to shoot some deer without fear that the other woodland animals would go CSI on the gun and take revenge, the TEC-9 is now banned. Intratec went out of business a few years ago (they were found liable after a guy used the gun in another mass shooting).
Honestly now, if the Second Amendment doesn't protect our right to do a drive-by without getting caught later, then why do we even have it? Now our only choice is to get that fingerprint-removal surgery that is now popular among criminals. Or, you know, wear gloves.
For more of Susan's work you can check out her blog at Capricia's Corner.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
For some covert means of destruction, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Or check out some totally legal means of destruction (that we don't advise), in 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal.
And stop by our Top Picks to see our our collection of drug paraphernalia and contraband (most of it came from Swaim and Brockway desk).