6 Products Designed Solely to Make You a Worse Person

The beauty of the free market is that it doesn't judge you. In most American cities you can--in one shopping trip--buy a shotgun, shells, a children's swimming pool and enough tacos to fill it up, and nobody will raise an eyebrow as long as your card doesn't reject the charges.

But even the rational self-interest of the market takes the encouragement of our bad habits a bit too far. These are the products that seem specifically intended to turn us into a grave hazard to ourselves and others.

#6.
Antipoleez Mints

The next time an officer of the law pulls you over after a long night knocking 'em back at T.J. McHooligans, or some nosy cop wants to know why you're carrying a naked mannequin down main street at 4AM, ditch the vodka vapors with these hobo-breath-eliminating mints.

Ah, hold on. We spoke too soon. The website plainly says "never drink and drive" at the top. So these aren't intended to aid illegal activity at all! What were we thinking? They're probably just so you can hide your drinking from your wife, or employer, or your fellow astronauts on board the space shuttle. "Antipoleez" is probably just "breath mint" in some other language. And it has a picture of a police officer on the label because... uh...


It will make you fear the law?

Anyway, the makers of the coyly named Antipoleez breath mints tout them as having a "unique combination of components (which) work to increase the consumption of breath producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath." Which we think is just techno babble for "black magic and bull semen." And we're damned sure it won't help you pass a breathalyzer test.

#5.
The Pissinator

You're up for that big job opportunity and suddenly "The Man" wants to pry into your "totally under control" chemically-enhanced lifestyle. Enter the Pissinator: everything you need to sail through a piss test, from designer bladder brew to an anatomically correct rubber dong.

According to the website, the device is absolutely not intended to be used for any illegal purpose, specifically drug tests. Their competition, the Whizzinator, got taken down by a federal prosecutor for selling drug paraphernalia, so you can see how the Pissinator people have to keep it on the down low (if you'd like to amuse yourself for an afternoon, try to imagine just one non-illegal, socially acceptable use of a prosthetic penis that fires someone else's urine).

All you do is strap the bag of piss under your shirt, snuggled all comfy under your armpit. A handy heat pack will keep the brew at the right temperature, and you can deposit your sample with a flow so "simple and realistic that even your own mother would not be able to detect that it is in-fact simulated." Oh, that's what it's for. So you can win the annual family Thanksgiving Piss Distance Contest without your Mom (who referees the event) noticing you're cheating. So there's one use right there.

Actually, the makers of the Pissinator also proudly advertise the device as an "ultra hygienic wet sex simulator (a.k.a. urinating device) designed for sensual pleasure." So for all you dreamers out there who prayed for the day you could play "Drug Test" with your girlfriend portraying you and you starring in the role of "toilet," your golden moment has arrived.

#4.
Stealth Pipes

So now you've found out how to pass your drug test and are free to work at your job operating heavy equipment while stoned out of your gourd. But that pre-shift bong hit surely isn't going to keep you high for the whole eight hours. And that's a huge problem, thanks to the likes of Oprah and Doctor Phil, every parent, teacher and boss knows what a bong looks like.


Fuck you.

So where does a decent, upstanding drug user hide their equipment? In plain sight, of course.

From lipstick and car keys to nuts and bolts, drug pipes can now resemble any innocent item you might find crammed into a purse or under the front seat of a Ford Pinto.

Of course, it might look a tad weird when people see you sucking on your car keys during your lunch break, but hey, you're getting high in public while they have to hide in their little caves and smoke their pot like Gollum petting his ring, so who's the awesome one? You.

And now that you've taken the edge off, you won't be all stressed out when you climb back behind the wheel of that barge and deliver that 50,000 tons of toxic waste safely to its destination.

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