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The beauty of the free market is that it doesn't judge you. In most American cities you can--in one shopping trip--buy a shotgun, shells, a children's swimming pool and enough tacos to fill it up, and nobody will raise an eyebrow as long as your card doesn't reject the charges. But even the rational self-interest of the market takes the encouragement of our bad habits a bit too far. These are the products that seem specifically intended to turn us into a grave hazard to ourselves and others. #6.
Antipoleez Mints
The next time an officer of the law pulls you over after a long night knocking 'em back at T.J. McHooligans, or some nosy cop wants to know why you're carrying a naked mannequin down main street at 4AM, ditch the vodka vapors with these hobo-breath-eliminating mints.
Ah, hold on. We spoke too soon. The website plainly says "never drink and drive" at the top. So these aren't intended to aid illegal activity at all! What were we thinking? They're probably just so you can hide your drinking from your wife, or employer, or your fellow astronauts on board the space shuttle. "Antipoleez" is probably just "breath mint" in some other language. And it has a picture of a police officer on the label because... uh...
Anyway, the makers of the coyly named Antipoleez breath mints tout them as having a "unique combination of components (which) work to increase the consumption of breath producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath." Which we think is just techno babble for "black magic and bull semen." And we're damned sure it won't help you pass a breathalyzer test. #5.
The Pissinator
You're up for that big job opportunity and suddenly "The Man" wants to pry into your "totally under control" chemically-enhanced lifestyle. Enter the Pissinator: everything you need to sail through a piss test, from designer bladder brew to an anatomically correct rubber dong.
According to the website, the device is absolutely not intended to be used for any illegal purpose, specifically drug tests. Their competition, the Whizzinator, got taken down by a federal prosecutor for selling drug paraphernalia, so you can see how the Pissinator people have to keep it on the down low (if you'd like to amuse yourself for an afternoon, try to imagine just one non-illegal, socially acceptable use of a prosthetic penis that fires someone else's urine). All you do is strap the bag of piss under your shirt, snuggled all comfy under your armpit. A handy heat pack will keep the brew at the right temperature, and you can deposit your sample with a flow so "simple and realistic that even your own mother would not be able to detect that it is in-fact simulated." Oh, that's what it's for. So you can win the annual family Thanksgiving Piss Distance Contest without your Mom (who referees the event) noticing you're cheating. So there's one use right there.
Actually, the makers of the Pissinator also proudly advertise the device as an "ultra hygienic wet sex simulator (a.k.a. urinating device) designed for sensual pleasure." So for all you dreamers out there who prayed for the day you could play "Drug Test" with your girlfriend portraying you and you starring in the role of "toilet," your golden moment has arrived. #4.
Stealth Pipes
So now you've found out how to pass your drug test and are free to work at your job operating heavy equipment while stoned out of your gourd. But that pre-shift bong hit surely isn't going to keep you high for the whole eight hours. And that's a huge problem, thanks to the likes of Oprah and Doctor Phil, every parent, teacher and boss knows what a bong looks like.
So where does a decent, upstanding drug user hide their equipment? In plain sight, of course. From lipstick and car keys to nuts and bolts, drug pipes can now resemble any innocent item you might find crammed into a purse or under the front seat of a Ford Pinto.
Of course, it might look a tad weird when people see you sucking on your car keys during your lunch break, but hey, you're getting high in public while they have to hide in their little caves and smoke their pot like Gollum petting his ring, so who's the awesome one? You. And now that you've taken the edge off, you won't be all stressed out when you climb back behind the wheel of that barge and deliver that 50,000 tons of toxic waste safely to its destination. |
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they forgot the best part about the tec-9 it could easily be converted to fully automatic fire, yeah awesome job intratec (sarcasm)
The bit about about the TEC-9 being resistant to fingerprints meant there wouldn't be be print smears all over the thing like a normal metallic gun would have. There's no way to not leave prints behind unless you use gloves or something.
Way to go cracked for leaving a big steaming pile of goodness on an otherwise okay article.
This looks exactually like my Christmas list this year. Well that and a copy of Assassins Creed 2
It might just be because I'm high but this is like the 9th best article ever!!!
This article reeks of personal opinion.
Not only does it slam marijuana users like they're the fucking plague, but the last 5 line entry on the TEC-9, was pure propaganda.
Wow...People are thinking more stupid these days. =(
Maxmillian, you rock!
In case you're have trouble getting to the below website, the "hjga" at the end isn't a part of the URL. I'm addressing hjga, an earlier commentor.
More on how on easy it is to convert the Tec-9 to full auto --> http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php hjga, I think you rather misunderstood me somehow. I wasn't saying that the Tec-9 could be stealthy silent, the opposite of that in fact. While it is true the Tec-9 is pistol caliber, there are much smaller, yet still lethal calibers out there. A typical pro hitman weapon would be a .22, or something similar. And, there are lower velocities also. They'd have reduced gunpowder charges in the cartridges, so they'd have supersonic (instead of hypersonic) muzzle velocities. I don't know. The bullets might even be subsonic once they get past the silencer. Full metal jacket to penetrate the skull where they do full energy deposit. Mind you this is a cold-blooded murderer's weapon. You wouldn't want to have something like it against anyone who could shoot back. Why? Low velocity means the fast bullet drop you get with pistol bullets happens even sooner. You wouldn't want to have to shoot someone beyond close range, since you'd have to aim over their heads. Even then the grouping would be all over the place, perfect aim or no. And of course, if they can shoot back, you definitely don't want to be exchanging fire at close range.
Sorry, AgentCoop, but you're a retard. Hate for you to find out this way.
They're not "machine guns"; they fire one shot per trigger pull, just like any other pistol. And it's perfectly possible to lift a fingerprint off a TEC-9, it's just that the fingerprints don't rust the shit out of the gun. That's what "fingerprint-resistant" means. And suppressors have plenty of practical uses; they were originally designed and marketed by Hiram Maxim as a safety device, so the gun doesn't deafen the shit out of you if you happen to fire it without hearing protection. They only lower volume to a non-deafening level; a suppressed pistol is still as loud as pneumatic nailgun.
Hardly the "ptew ptew" you hear in movies, which I suspect is where the sum total of your knowledge comes from.
Maybe get a little bit of cursory knowledge about guns before getting all pissy about socalled "gun nuts"?
I used to have a toy TEC-9 when I was I child. This brought me some nice memories
Passing a piss test is not for the purpose of smoking pot AT WORK, nor is having a disguised pipe. That is utterly retarded. That's like saying that if you own a safe it means you intend to lock up your money AT WORK. If you have fake DVD cases to put your porn in, it must mean you plan on watching your porn AT WORK. That type of logic makes absolutely no sense.
And you say if you smoke pot while you're doing ANYTHING it makes you a horrible person? ...I don't even know how to respond to that. No, I don't drive while I'm stoned (for the record, I don't smoke weed; I used to, but I didn't do that then either), although numerous tests have actually showed that small amounts of marijuana actually are more likely to make you a better driver. I must also point out that not everybody who smokes marijuana does so with the intention of getting fried out of their mind. When I smoked pot I *DID* smoke a little before work (gasp!), because it made me more attentive to the job I was doing and improved my social skills. I don't mind if my boss has a cup of coffee before work, it will probably help his performance. However, if he drinks five cups of coffee the results will be much different, and it will undoubtedly have a poor effect on his performance. Marijuana is the same way for most people. Of course, chemicals affect different people in different ways, and there are plenty of people who shouldn't even toke a little bit if they have something important to do. There are much more people, though, who benefit from the positive aspects without becoming "Stoned" as you put it.
Either way, I have strayed off the main point, which is this: Those products are in no way designed to allow you to smoke pot at work or while driving. THC stays in your system for 30 days, so saying that the piss-test is used to see if your smoking AT WORK is ridiculous, unless you work for 24 hours a day for 30 days straight. Pipes designed not to look like pipes are not designed to let you smoke at work either -- they are desiged that way so they are less likely to get confiscated by the police (who, for the record are just doing their job and enforcing a ridiculous law). Sure, people could use this to smoke pot at work easier, just like people could use an iPod to watch porn at work easier. It doesn't mean that is the intent of the product, nor does it mean the product is justifying such activity.
And, yes, I understand this is a comedy site. That does not mean this article was meant to be sarcastic, she was clearly saying that owning those products makes you a worse person, and clearly placing them above the drunk-driving mints. Before anybody calls me a humorless asshole, I can appreciate humor at the expense of marijuana smokers like I can appreciate any humor. I am entitled to the opinion that if this article made a little more sense I may have enjoyed it more.
You are looking WAY too much into this. I don't even think the listing is designed in a way to make it best-to-worst, I think they are just listed. And I think most people find smoking weed worse because it is illegal.
eh, screw it... I am honestly for the legalization of Pot... just gonna put that out here....
Hey Shaggytheshaman, you did READ the artical - yes? You did note that these allow you to use drugs AT WORK - and that most employers don't like you to be high AT WORK - and that you shouldn't operate dangerous equpiment (like the ones described) while stoned, or drunk (The latter being happily legal, yet oddly still ILLEGAL to do while working... funny how that works.)
if you do smoke pot while doing work, driving, or anything... guess what - YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON. Depends on what your work is.. but if you drive while stoned... you are an idiot. My friend drove stoned with me in the car once... I can say it was the most horrifying and dangerous drive of my life - as he said the same thing you probably say: "I drive better when I'm stoned." I have a question: HOW CAN YOU TELL HOW YOU'RE DRIVING IF YOU'RE STONED?! He was going near 85mph and when I asked if he should slow down he said "I'm going 65." to which I say - "Uh... the speedometer is at 85..." to which he goes... "...oh hey that is an 8 isn't it?" Pot doesn't make you loose reaction time (Thank god) while driving... but it does give you tunnel vision.... my buddly nearly killed us twice when he didn't stop when someone was cutting us off. you could blame the person cutting us off.. but if he happened to - I don't know - not been stoned while driving, then he would have slowed down before the dude "Cut-us off" doing 85mph on a 55mph road.
Pot, legal, yes
Driving/Working/doing anything else with machinary while stoned - illegal (just like perfectly legal alchol... and yes, I had gotten high before, and I would NEVER drive while high - good lord, I pray you don't.)
Not so funny but excellent nonetheless. Can you use Spoof Cards to impersonate someone else - you know, with that Caller ID changing function?
ShaggyTheShaman, you realize this is a comedy site, right? The point is to make people laugh, not to push an agenda either way. Also, look at the context she mentioned these two devices. I'm sorry, but there are certain jobs where you shouldn't be stoned while doing. No where does the article say that pot is bad, just that these devices help make you a worse person by getting stoned at work, when you really shouldn't be.
finally, they let a hilarious, witty female writer in at Cracked! my favorite was the crack at iPhone's tagline: "Are you a deranged pervert with a mountain of misplaced anger? There's an app for that." kudos, Susan H., you won my subscription to your blog.
Shaggy- spot on. I asked my doctor what he thought about smoking shit one time. He said to me, off the record, that he'd much prefer a fella to smoke shit and chill out, instead of getting pissed drunk, getting into a fight, and then having to visit him looking for stitches...
#Fuckaccounts. I just did skin up! I never use that credit cardn gizmo, it's just a gimmick really..
Wow. The two products designed to help individuals avoid persecution for smoking marijuana, which this very website has endorsed as harmless numerous times, were ranked higher on the list than the product designed to help people drive drunk. That's sad. Smoking marijuana does not make you a "Worse Person." It simply makes you a person who smokes marijuana. In my case, I think the years I spent smoking marijuana actually made me a BETTER person. And marijuana smokers do no hide the fact that they smoke in any attempt to be deceitful or dishonest -- They do it because they are constantly being persecuted against by absolutely insane drug laws and do not wish to lose their job or, worse, end up in jail. My uncle was killed by a drunk driver, and yet you seem to imply that drunk driving is not quite as bad as a little toking in your spare time. What the hell is your problem, Susan H.? Do you actually *know* anything about marijuana OR alcohol? I do not appreciate you calling some of my best friends bad people simply because they smoke marijuana. In fact, according to the order your list is in, they are WORSE people than the man who killed my uncle. Wow. Just wow.
i don't think they were implying that smoking weed was bad, but doing it at work, which is bad, especially if your say a truck driver as pointed out by the article. no weed doesn't harm you but it doesn't impare you somewhat, like alchol, neither of which your allowed at work.
>> low small caliber weapons loaded with low velocity bullets
like a tec 9? it uses 9mm parabellum rounds, hardly high velocity