6 Products Designed Solely to Make You a Worse Person
The beauty of the free market is that it doesn't judge you. In most American cities you can--in one shopping trip--buy a shotgun, shells, a children's swimming pool and enough tacos to fill it up, and nobody will raise an eyebrow as long as your card doesn't reject the charges.
But even the rational self-interest of the market takes the encouragement of our bad habits a bit too far. These are the products that seem specifically intended to turn us into a grave hazard to ourselves and others.
#6.
Antipoleez Mints
The next time an officer of the law pulls you over after a long night knocking 'em back at T.J. McHooligans, or some nosy cop wants to know why you're carrying a naked mannequin down main street at 4AM, ditch the vodka vapors with these hobo-breath-eliminating mints.
Ah, hold on. We spoke too soon. The website plainly says "never drink and drive" at the top. So these aren't intended to aid illegal activity at all! What were we thinking? They're probably just so you can hide your drinking from your wife, or employer, or your fellow astronauts on board the space shuttle. "Antipoleez" is probably just "breath mint" in some other language. And it has a picture of a police officer on the label because... uh...
It will make you fear the law?
Anyway, the makers of the coyly named Antipoleez breath mints tout them as having a "unique combination of components (which) work to increase the consumption of breath producing molecules by the epithelium of the mucous coat of the upper respiratory passages resulting in clean, fresh breath." Which we think is just techno babble for "black magic and bull semen." And we're damned sure it won't help you pass a breathalyzer test.
#5.
The Pissinator
You're up for that big job opportunity and suddenly "The Man" wants to pry into your "totally under control" chemically-enhanced lifestyle. Enter the Pissinator: everything you need to sail through a piss test, from designer bladder brew to an anatomically correct rubber dong.
According to the website, the device is absolutely not intended to be used for any illegal purpose, specifically drug tests. Their competition, the Whizzinator, got taken down by a federal prosecutor for selling drug paraphernalia, so you can see how the Pissinator people have to keep it on the down low (if you'd like to amuse yourself for an afternoon, try to imagine just one non-illegal, socially acceptable use of a prosthetic penis that fires someone else's urine).
All you do is strap the bag of piss under your shirt, snuggled all comfy under your armpit. A handy heat pack will keep the brew at the right temperature, and you can deposit your sample with a flow so "simple and realistic that even your own mother would not be able to detect that it is in-fact simulated." Oh, that's what it's for. So you can win the annual family Thanksgiving Piss Distance Contest without your Mom (who referees the event) noticing you're cheating. So there's one use right there.
Actually, the makers of the Pissinator also proudly advertise the device as an "ultra hygienic wet sex simulator (a.k.a. urinating device) designed for sensual pleasure." So for all you dreamers out there who prayed for the day you could play "Drug Test" with your girlfriend portraying you and you starring in the role of "toilet," your golden moment has arrived.
#4.
Stealth Pipes
So now you've found out how to pass your drug test and are free to work at your job operating heavy equipment while stoned out of your gourd. But that pre-shift bong hit surely isn't going to keep you high for the whole eight hours. And that's a huge problem, thanks to the likes of Oprah and Doctor Phil, every parent, teacher and boss knows what a bong looks like.
Fuck you.
So where does a decent, upstanding drug user hide their equipment? In plain sight, of course.
From lipstick and car keys to nuts and bolts, drug pipes can now resemble any innocent item you might find crammed into a purse or under the front seat of a Ford Pinto.
Of course, it might look a tad weird when people see you sucking on your car keys during your lunch break, but hey, you're getting high in public while they have to hide in their little caves and smoke their pot like Gollum petting his ring, so who's the awesome one? You.
And now that you've taken the edge off, you won't be all stressed out when you climb back behind the wheel of that barge and deliver that 50,000 tons of toxic waste safely to its destination.
tech n9ne
Replyall guns are more or less fingerprint resistant---- due to things like gun oil and being held in a tight grip. And silencers are a SAFETY FEATURE--- they keep the gun wielder from shattering his own eardrums.
ReplyAnd deariekins, the 2nd amendment wasn't written to protect your right to shoot ducks and rabbits. If you're defending yourself from a violent attacker, you'd better be there with the bestest and the mostest you can get.
And, since studies show that the owner of a gun is more likely to have it used against them than use it to defend themselves, when the attacker has your "bestest and mostest" at least you'll die as quickly and painlessly as possible.
It really wasn't Alcohol and Marijuana together?
ReplyThe spoof card doesn't strike me as that bad, though my phone is defect seems incapable of recognizing any numbers at all, so maybe I'm just used to having no idea where the anonymous threats of violence are coming from. -_-
ReplyArticle mostly assumes people that want privacy, or people that break ridiculous laws, are bad people. Everything has been illegal at some point. Would a device that allowed black people and women to get away with voting a hundred years ago have been contributing to someone being a bad person? I think this writer would have thought so.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIndeed, she probably would have thought that, given that most people did. Not sure how your logic works there, but that's probably because I'm not stoned right now.
Srsly though, there's a reason why people shouldn't operate heavy machinery while high.
Um..... what?
The whole point of all of these products is to A. get out of something, B. Deceive somehow, C. Lie, or D. Kill people.
I'm sure you could sit and think of legitimate reasons for all of these products if you really wanted to do but that was not the intention of any of them. Relax over there. It's a comedic article.
Exactly. And to a*****e BillyTrouson, the Pissinator's intended pourpose is to beat a drug test. That is a legit purpose. It's not my boss' business what I do on my time off, so beating a drug test is perfectly fine. Why are you okay with your boss spying on you?
comparing a machine that would have allowed women and blacks to vote and a tec-9 is the dumbest logic i've ever heard. in 100 years, i don't think people are going to look back and think "i can't believe we used to think a gun that's pretty much designed to shoot people was a bad thing. damn we used to be close-minded."
retard
I would argue that while some laws are silly, the majority of things that are illegal *should* be illegal, and that even if something isn't illegal it can still be morally/ethically objectionable and offensive, and that *most* people in today's society who'd need something like an "alibi network" probably aren't good, wholesome people. Certainly not all, but most.
Anyway, the point isn't that using these things make you a bad person, but that they are clearly *intented* for bad people.
I'm totally SHOCKED at the number of comments and arguments that follow this article. I mean, I never would have imagined that an article that deals with drugs and guns would cause controversy.
Replylol... guns, climate change, religion and politics the 4 biggest hot button issues on the interwebnet highway. little do people know, Jesus was a black, H2 driving, gun toting atheist with left wing ideals.
I don't know about the other stuff, but the stuff about drugs isn't so much about drugs but about inexcusable and intimate invasions of physical privacy that should be as illegal as asking a potential hire "do you have any chronic health conditions we don't want to have on our insurance?" Some people just take issue with invasive security theater is all.
You ever shot a Rifle/Pistol etc indoors? It's f*****g loud. Silencers for home defence sounds reasonable.
Reply Hide All See All 13 Replieswhy exactly would you want to shoot a rifle/pistol indoors?
Indoor shooting ranges count as "indoors." And yes. It's loud.
Home defence? Obviously you wouldn't have a Rifle but a Pistol is still loud as f**k indoors.
@anzobanzo home defense, maybe???
If you need to defend yourself why do you care if the gun is loud? If its loud as f**k then your neighbors could hear and call the cops or you may just scare someone off if your gun is louder and you miss. This is also why you wear protective earmuffs to shooting ranges.
Security guards, body guards, home defense and indoor shooting ranges as pointed out. Police officers probably SHOULD have them (I'm kinda shocked they don't).
Shooting any firearm without ear protection or a suppressor is pretty much a recipe for permanent hearing loss, and there are plenty of jobs that may require the use of a firearm where wearing traditional ear plugs is not practical(and ear protection that is designed for protecting against firearms while also allowing normal conversation is almost always either extremely bulky in the case of civilian models, or disgustingly expensive for military designs, Or both)
A loud gun with a silencer on it is still very very loud and unmistakable.
People shooting guns indoors in normal situations generally have access to ear protection and the ability to use them. Whether it's a protective earmuff or earplugs, people who need to use guns indoors have them or decide not to use them. Even criminals sometimes use them.
In abnormal situations, such as home security, ear protection is by far the least of your worries, unless you happen to have unusually sensitive ears very prone to damage, in which case, you really shouldn't have a gun, since that's lose-lose for you either way.
So no, a noise suppressor can not be considered a necessity in really any situation that doesn't involve combat in areas with ambient noise where you need to lower your profile. If you own it, you own it because you think it's cool.
Or you're some kind of criminal with a misguided idea of just how "silent" suppressed gunfire really is.
Most killings of homeowners in burglaries are with their own guns so anything bigger than a pistol is unnecesarrily risky and an automatic weapon will likely wreck your house and potentially kill a family member.
Silencers are legal to buy. You just have to pass a background check through the ATF and have their stamp on it. They tend to call them suppressors because they don't really silence anything. Also, if you want a gun barrel threaded, all you need is a machinist or a gunsmith
Ya buddy, I'm sure when someone is advancing on you with a knife/gun, the only logical thing on your mind is whether to shoot or not because the gun is loud.
or tell the robber... "hold on, I gotta find my earplugs first before I bust some caps at you."
I've shot assualt rifles inside a "kill house", and yeah its loud. In VA you need a class 3 weapons license to have a suppressor. I'm pretty sure the main reason they're illegal is because it muffles the shot, making it hard to determine the distance and direction of the gunfire.
I smoke pot to relieve the symptoms of a serious medical condition, and use stealth pipes because I'm not always in a place where I can medicate. I had no idea I was being such an asshole.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesCunt.
Hold on, lemme get my Violin out.
You almost had my sympathy until you felt the need to remind the world at large about what an awful person you are.
Show us your tits.
Maybe you shouldn't smoke it illegally then? Just a tip..
Well, now you know.
You know, I might have been fine with you if you hadn't added just ONE word. If you can't guess which one it is, you are indeed an asshole.
Screw these people--you're exactly right. Drug testing, especially without cause, should be illegal. It is notoriously ineffective at either increasing workplace safety or preventing drug use, was forced through during the moral panic in the eighties using deliberately skewed and dishonest data that didn't begin to reflect reality, and the reason insurance companies want unwarranted invasions of physical privacy is so they can bypass those laws that keep them from saying "do you have diabetes, because if you do we're not going to hire you and have you on our insurance".
Plus, harmless drugs like MJ which was made and kept illegal entirely due to capitalist politics have important medicinal uses, such as increasing appetite in people with AIDS and anorexia and eliminating nausea in people who are undergoing chemo, among other uses. And it is much more effective and cheaper than most of the expensive legal drugs we use, as well as being infinitely less addictive.
People who down someone who needs to use MJ for medical reason because he/she didn't appreciate the whole "if you have a problem with being intimately invaded by your employer as a prerequisite for being able to eek out a living, you are a filthy addict and a bad person" just because he/she used some "mean" language tend to be tone-trolling apologists for the fraudulent drug testing industry or are too in love with the ooey-gooey illusion of safety provided by their favorite form of security theater to care about reality. You don't even have to use bad language, just oppose a practice that is inexcusable and should be made illegal. That's how badly they are invested in this crap.
Don't worry, HollyGreen. They will lose this. They are already in the process of losing this argument on every stage, and they will get more aggressive with every inch they are beaten back, just as the DEA gets more out-of-touch with reality the more they lose ground in their long-failed Drug War.
Okay, if you're wondering why so many people have downvoted you...
1) You're being far too defensive, and there's no reason to be so insulting and call people cunts. Seriously, relax and don't be so hostile!
2) I think you missed why they're saying it's bad here. Do you operate heavy machinery or drive a car while under the influence of marijuana? Those are things that can cause terrible harm to *other people*, therefore they are very bad. The example they gave was of someone being unable to do such a job, which is indeed a very bad idea.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with using medicinal marijuana to treat conditions that respond well to it. You may also have been confused by the misleading title that implies just using the products makes you a bad person, which is not what it really means. It just means that there are *potential* unethical uses for these products.
Here's one for the pissinator: You and two friends are the only ones at the beach, you get done going to the bathroom and return to find one friend has been stung by a jellyfish, and you need to piss on him to stop the pain, which your other friend can't do because it's a clear day and he has a vampire penis. Just shove the bag up his pants leg, put his vampire dick in the the bag to fill it, release and viola! The day is saved! Just kidding, urine won't do jack, so do what I do and never leave home with out a Pissinator loaded with nice, warm, neuro-toxin inhibiting vinegar.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI've got a bettor one. You go to a wild party that you've got no business going to, pull out one of those new "do it yourself" drug tests designed for parents... and totally make everyone at the party think you are a real wild animal by running some real drug addicts piss.
Just what does a stringed instrument half way between a violin and a cello have to do with it?
I would hardly call a viola halfway to a cello... in octave maybe but surely not size.
They sell Tec9s at the gun store im my city. (Milwaukee)
ReplyThe Tec-9 still shows fingerprints, it was taken out of context. they meant that fingerprints will not corrode it. the ad mentioned fingerprint resistance along with resistance to salt, petroleum distillates and many other things, and they sold a barrel extender that threaded on, it was not for silencers (which are legal by the way)
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesCracked writers once more taking things out of context...
not to mention that's the semi-auto version... nothing special or any different than if you bought any other semi-auto pistol. people see the style/name and think it's the automatic, pull the trigger and spray down a crowd version they see in the movies. but it's really the one shot per trigger pull version like your grandpa's .22 target rifle, only it looks cooler
Well, looks cooler and only takes a pretty simple to manufacture piece to modify to go full auto.
Wow, VPC taking things out of context to make gun manufacturers look evil? Perish the thought!
tec9 sounds awesome
Replythis is a very good article, i can start to be a little doctor doomsday!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyI dont like the undertone of smoking marijuana being a bad thing that a bad person does i thought we were past that america
Reply Hide All See All 12 RepliesThus is the logic of a pothead... Drugs are bad.
They're saying that smoking pot when you're in public is a bad thing, because it's irresponsible and you could get hurt or mess things up.
Since when is America "past that" last I heard marujuana was still illegal and people were still going to jail for it.
Since when is America "past that" last I heard marijuana was still illegal and people were still going to jail for it.
Yeah, people should really stop hiding stealth flasks on the job. Alcohol is dangerous. Good thing it's illegal.
Hey, wait a second.
The assumption that is being made here is that the main reason for stealth pipes is so people can get high on the job, which is a big assumption to make considering that it's based on nothing. Generally, smoking before doing complicated tasks is a bad idea, which is why most people don't do it. Smoking in public, however, is completely different. How many people are put at risk of physical harm by my stoned ass walking 3 blocks to City Pizza and eating the f**k out of a Philly Cheese Steak?
Haha, America is past marijuana being a bad thing? America is barely past the revolutionary war, buddy.
This is against smoking pot when it is clearly a bad idea like when you are operating heavy machinery or in another situation.
And being high off your ass at work is a major priority. Gosh I hope potheads don't work jobs that require hard labor..
If you feel the need to smoke weed constantly, you probably need a life. Js
1) America is not past that.
2) We are not America.
The article never said smoking pot was bad. It did, however, criticize the act of secretly trying to smoke pot in public from a bong disguised to look like a set of car keys. If you can't determine why that might not be the best course of action...
The article does not at any point say that smoking marijuana is a bad thing! It says that smoking while doing a job that requires concentration and coordination (such as operating heavy machinery) is very irresponsible and could result in someone being hurt. The difference here is basically the same as drinking in general vs driving drunk. Big difference!
These products do not make someone a worse person; they reveal what kind of person someone is.
ReplyThey make it easier
#1 A particular gun can't make someone a worse person. People are going to do what they are going to do whether they have a Tec-9, a machete, or a baseball bat.
Reply Hide All See All 7 Replies...somehow, I just KNEW that a legion of offended GunD0uches were going to make an appearance in this thread.
...somehow, I just KNEW that a deranged hippie looking for a circlejerk companion was going to make a reply to this.
It's true. Objects don't make people worse people. They simply reflect on how bad a person is to begin with.
It's like saying that a machete made Jason Voorhees a serial killer. No, it's just his weapon of choice. He's also killed people with his bare hands, a guitar, and a noisemaker. Do any of those things make people worse people? Well... Maybe the noisemaker does...
I'm pretty sure a person can do a hell of a lot more damage with a tec-9 than with a baseball bat. It's the difference between a savage beating and a killing spree. I hate gun nuts. If holding that opinion makes me a 'deranged hippie', consider me a part of the circle jerk then, arsehole.
Oh and Jason Vorhees is a fictional character with superhuman strength. Kind of takes the wind out of that argument too
"People are going to do what they are going to do whether they have a Tec-9, a machete, or a baseball bat"
Yes, but if my experience with video games is any indication, having a Tec-9 makes it so much, MUCH easier. f*****g nerf stats on the baseball bat.
Yes but unlike most guns the TEC-9 is clearly designed to be used in criminal activity, its the difference between a knife and a broadsword you can use the broadsword for the same things as the knife but really what are the chances of using that broadsword for anything but killing?
Jason Voorhees may be fictional, but the Hutus in Rwanda sure ain't, and they managed to kill about 800,000 Tutsis, mainly with machetes. So f**k you guys who act like guns are some kind of special evil.
All I could think was how Susan was kinda a bitch...
Reply"Need to hide the fact your "business meeting in Boise" is really a gangbang in Bangkok?"
ReplyHAH! I love semantics.
Wordplay.
Who am I talking to?
Wow, I didn't notice that! Thanks.
That "Annual Piss Distance Contest / Mom referee cheating" thing had me laughing out loud like a maniac for a solid minute. XD :)
Reply#5 (snif!)
Replythats what the mean kids used to call me at school