Cracked Round-Up: Post-Party Edition

Sweet vengeful undead Jesus, we're hungover. As most of you probably know, Cracked had its first annual office party earlier this week. Although the festivities ended several days ago, we're just now beginning to recover from the unique combination of alcohol poisoning and syphilis that accompanies any party attended by the Cracked columnists.

We'd love to stay in bed and nurse our wounds, but there's a round-up to finish. It'll be hard but, through a combination of dedication and Brockway's amphetamine and chocolate smoothies, we'll soldier on.

Cracked's week began with Gladstone pretending to be Kafka, followed by some revelations on the 2012 apocalypse by Bucholz. Brockway followed up with a retelling of the Cracked office party that may or may not have been accurate. We'll let you know what really went down when we find someone who didn't black out twenty minutes in. Afterwords, Seanbaby wrote a morale boosting article for our boys in Iraq, while Dan O'Brien brutally mocked Disney.

PAINBALL

6 Ancient Sports Too Awesome for the Modern World Before you judge our ancestors too harshly, try going a month without watching television, using the Internet, or reading any books. By the end of the second week you'll be willing to cage men in an arena and watch them fight to the death if it means an end to the boredom.

Notable Comment: "i hate to be THAT guy or whatever, but will you please stop using the words "mayan" and "mexican" interchangeably? they weren't ONLY in mexico, they were in PART of mexico and in a what is now central america....and of course no mayans were mexicans since mexico had yet to exist. i'm not whining or whatever, i just think it makes your otherwise good article cringeworthy...you know with the whole "you're all mexicans to me!" undertone to it. "

Sorry, zodiacdigital, but that's Cracked office law. Everything south of the US is Mexico, everything to the north is Canada, and everything else is either Europe or filled with dragons.

MURDERVILLE

The 6 Best Towns To Live In (If You Have A Death Wish) How far are you willing to go for cheap rent?

Notable Comment: "Wait, so if I drink s**t-loads of arsenic, then I'll become immune to arsenic? Fuck yeah! Sign me up for that! Hmm, while I'm at it, I might as well become immune to every other poison. Well, I'm off to the local pest control supply store, everyone wish me luck!"

DaveF, Cracked Legal would just like to make sure you understand that we cannot be held responsible in the event of your horrific, arsenic-related demise. That said, keep us updated on how your quest for superhuman immunity goes!

RACISM

8 Racist Ads You Won't Believe Are From The Last Few Years To hell with Obama. Harold Ford for president!

Notable Comment: For a ridiculously long argument about what qualifies as racism, read the comments for this article.

SUCCESS

6 Historic Villains You Didn't Know Had Incredible Careers Seriously, you can't expect someone to base their whole career on being a bastard. They had to fill the rest of their lives with something.

Notable Comment:"Louis XVI helped the USA (before it actually was the USA) for two other reasons: France owned some parts of the territory (Lousiana, anyone?) and he wanted to keep them; he wanted the consumer market the new country would provide. Let's not forget that the real reasons the USA won the war was because the Seven Years' War "taught" the colonist how to fight a war - these people were farmers, workers, not soldiers - and that England was really focusing the attention on Europe, leaving the colony to fight alone. Later, when the colony wanted to be indepent, Spain AND France sent help to the USA (which made the colony win the war; that would've been impossible without their help) - perhaps you should think about that when you're ranting about Mexicans getting into your country. "

We're not sure where Mexico comes into play here, tacamaral, but thanks for the otherwise informative comment.

SHOCKING

6 Badass Tricks You Can (But Shouldn't) Do With Electricity If you do decide to try this at home, please send us some photos or videos along with a full indemnity waiver acknowledging that Cracked.com took all due effort to warn you. That way we can turn your horrific demise into the next big viral video!

Notable Comment: "Pickle Lamps smell terrible."

Agents of Cracked

Two Men, In A Race Against Time, Trapped Inside A Trailer. So it begins.

YOU YOU YOU!

The Sex Ed Lessons You Wish They'd Taught You We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Rejected Ideas for Disaster Movies

11.05.09:

In Germany they take the sobriety tests seriously.
by bilbo1

Editor's pick:

Be careful you don't cut your juggler vein.
by GaseousClay

11.04.09:

Anyone else just a little bit curious why we're hanging around that chalk outline?
by Ronin22

Editor's pick:

Finally, someone for the cops on Segways to laugh at.
by Diasdem

11.03.09:

Teddy Roosevelt, finding no worthy foe among nature, decides to construct one himself.
by seannyb

Editor's pick:

Hilariously, Jebidiah Jetson's last words were also "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!"
by landmine76

11.02.09:

The Silver Surfer really got off on erotic asphyxiation until one fateful day...
by nimo

Editor's pick:

"Aw, fuck. My penis is a Phillips."
by geniuswaitress

11.01.09:

Bowser gave Mario an offer he couldn't refuse.
by thisisme_ari

Editor's pick:

Enjoyed by ancient Aztecs, Mario Cart was one of the first sports. Of course the loser would be beheaded.
by Julius_Goat

10.31.09:

I once caught a fish, this big! No, just kidding. I'm really here to enslave you all.
by jekelish

Editor's pick:

"I can hug ALL of you. Why do you scream and run?"
by Julius_Goat

10.30.09:

Dick in a box
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

His ass says "FRAGILE". But his eyes say "YES".
by jtklove