7 Things 'Good Parents' Do (That Screw Up Kids For Life)
#3.
Warning Them About Strangers
You'd Think...
When it comes to child molestation, there is no such thing as too careful. It is important that your children understand to never do anything a stranger tells them to, and to realize the entire world is out there just waiting to murder the shit out of them for no reason.
OK, you kids are just about ready to go to the bathroom.
But in Reality...
As it turns out, an overblown emphasis on "Stranger Danger" can apparently transform your children into xenophobic bigots, at least that's what professor Sue Scott from the University of Durham is saying. According to Scott, children should certainly be taught to be cautious of strangers, but what most parents are teaching their kids today causes children worldwide to freak out at the mere sight of anything out of the ordinary.
Statistically children are far, far more likely to be abducted/molested by someone the family knows than a roving child molestation gang. Teaching children to fear anyone strange or different from themselves manifests itself later as a fear of pretty much the entire outside world. By adulthood, they're locking their doors every time a Mexican walks by.
"And he stole someone's suit, Mommy! Call the police!"
#2.
Heaping Praise On Them
You'd Think...
Your parents never told you that you were special, even after that kidnapping story you made up to hide the report card with all the Fs. Your kid will have it better. "Great job on the test, son! I loved it how you blocked the ball with your face, son! Got your girlfriend pregnant? High five, up top!"
But in Reality...
We have previously mentioned how the whole self-esteem movement turned a whole lot of people into dicks, because they emotionally can't handle anyone who doesn't boost their ego. We further theorized that this gave birth to the modern douchebag movement.
But it turns out there are effects beyond simply making people unbearable to be around. A study published in 2007 by researches from Columbia and Stanford University found that frequently-praised kids eventually came to believe that intelligence and talent were things they were born with, things which under no possible circumstances could be improved. Consequently, they avoided academic situations that presented any kind of challenge and refused to see the value in any activity that required effort, because if they were so freaking amazing, nothing worth doing should be hard, right?
As a result, their grades dropped and they developed motivation and, ironically, self-esteem issues. So the lesson here is, make your kid realize the value of hard work and honest effort before they self-tan themselves orange and pop their collars. By then, it will be too late.
#1.
Showing Them Educational Videos
You'd Think...
We've all heard of those Baby Einstein educational videos, claiming you can park your one-year-old in front of them and have him transform into a Mozart-playing, Shakespeare-quoting nuclear physicist. Makes sense, children soak up knowledge like little kid-shaped ShamWows. The more info you give them during this crucial soaking stage, the better!
But in Reality...
You may have heard that Disney is offering refunds on its Baby Einstein line of educational DVDs. This came after a research team led by Frederick Zimmerman and Dr. Dimitri Christakis from the University of Washington showed that babies watching the popular educational videos around the age of one learn six to eight less words per hour than children who spent their afternoons putting dirt in their mouths. It's because, despite what you have been telling yourself for years, virtual interaction is never as good the real thing.
For example, these are not really your three girlfriends.
If you really want your children to learn from an early age, you need to read to them and supply the buggers with as much human-on-human interaction as possible, not park their adorable little butts in front of the fucking television. TV programs and Infant Education videos use a series of rapidly changing scenes and constantly bombard your kids with new words. With time, their itsy bitsy minds start to filter out most of the information just to help manage the constant barrage, and voila! The kids develop shorter attention spans, and eventually the food service industry claims another life.
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For more advice in the kids department, check out 6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth. Or check out some toys you should never ever get them, in The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.
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Reply6 years old is kinda late unless you skipped kindergarden i went to preschool and kinnder i started school when i was 4
ReplyThe girls in #1? Are they from The Hills?
Replythe unique naming has been discussed in Freakonomics, in other way. I guess black kids with unique name get relatively comfortable treatment? it's kinda common practice in african american community.
ReplyMy parents decided I was a genius and put me in school a year early. I was a head shorter than all my classmates for the next seven years.
ReplyDicksmash McIroncock. What else needs to be said?
ReplyWith all this parenting advice on Cracked I'll have little Ghandi's instead of children.
ReplySeriously: as hurtful as it sounds, who actually reads an article on Cracked and decides: Yes, this is how I'll raise my children, thank you Cracked?
uh he sounds like Einstein to me!!!!!!!!!!
Every parent has a finite amount of patience that is mostly used up by the time the child hits age 4. By putting the child in school for part of the day, that amount of patience is extended for a longer period of time. With the invention of TV and computers, that patience is extended even more and most parents now are able to manage until their children reach adulthood.
ReplyI started school when I was 5, and so did most of the people I know. Isn't that the standard age? The country didn't go to crap yet, so it must be ok.
ok all this list aside I have one question that ive never been able to answer. Exactly how is it that M.J. has the ability to grow a beard of any kind? I mean really. with that much work done how are the follicles able to produce anything?
ReplyMaybe they grafted his bum skin onto his chin. Is the beard extra-curly?
lol I love #1. When I was growing up we didn't have "infant education" videos. We had a bunch of History Channel stuff my dad watched. I can vividly remember getting up to go to pre-school (bugger that, starting school a year before kindergarten) and watching a WWII documentary about the North Africa campaign while I ate my breakfast. It just goes to show, the human child is a very resilient thing :)
ReplySince when the hell have Alec, Ivan and Luke been 'weird names'?
ReplyMaybe I've been living under a rock, but I've never heard the name Alec before...
this is to jaffa4242..... yes, u have been living under a rock if u haven't heard the name Alec Baldwin
Number 8 would be freaking kids out about germs. It's one thing to tell them to wash their hands after touching certain things. It's another to carry around a gallon of hand sanitizer and make them use it after touching anything at all. And then they grow up to be equally neurotic.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNot to mention having weakened immune systems because they rarely if ever got sick when their immune system was maturing.
Hands aren't the only places on your body that have germs. If you're only disinfecting your hands, it's not a problem. And, to be fair, I didn't develop my neuroses until around the age of 20.
A friend of mine was telling me about her sister and brother-in-law, who were totally neurotic about their first kid, and disinfected everything. By the time the second came along, they were much more lax. Now their first kid has tons of allergies and is constantly sick, and the second kid is healthy as a horse.
All Ohio kids have to be 5 to start Kindergarten. That statement is odd.
ReplyWell maybe I'm just the exception, but my parents told me to be my own person and I'm doing great, I'm happy with who I am as a person and I have a wonderful boyfriend and some good friends that know ME, not who I might pretend to be under peer pressure.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThey warned me of the "stranger danger" more than most parents. I couldn't even leave the yard without a parent until I was about 13, and I'm definitively not afraid of anything new or different, although it has caused a slight phobia of being outside by myself after dark, but that might be partly because I'm not in the best neighborhood.
Lets see...what else...my mom also told me I was very smart (although I heard that from a lot of other adults too) and it has only encouraged me to work harder to prove everyone that believed in me right, I'm currently in one of the top private universities in my state with the highest merit scholarship they offer and have a GPA of 3.75, and have been living on my own since 17 with NO plans to move back in with my parents.
I do agree with the name thing though, although I just took a nickname that I really like. No mental scarring there and I don't have any kind of a criminal record yet.
I agree with the thing about the educational programs though, you need to be interacting with your kid, not just plopping them in front of the tv for ten hours a day.
Fun article, but honestly I think it's a little misguided.
My mom started me in preschool when I was 3 or 4 and I already addressed how I am not still at home.
You just couldn't resist, could you? You had to do it....sigh...
Thank you AnnaNymph for the wonderful example of exactly what you *shouldn't* do on the internet. It's super that you think oh so highly of your self but the harsh reality is that the rest of us don't give a flying monkey a$$hole. So kindly go crawl back into your hole and never show your face here again. Thank you!
Everybody hates you.
Illustrating one more way it screws up your kids: You raise a self-important d*****t who's not smart enough to know that nobody likes your kid half as much as your kid likes herself.
check, check, check, check, check... no wonder im so messed up
ReplyMy thoughts exactly.
those aren't my girlfriends...so why are they on my screen?!
ReplyThe worst part about the "stranger danger" lesson is that it actually harms kids. The best lesson to give kids of any age, in any country is that if they run in to trouble, they should find the nearest adult, because - if they do - 9999 times out of 10000 that adult will be reasonably able to help them and will do their best to do so. Kids are actually far safer going to any random adult on the street for help than going to a relative or friend of their parents.
ReplyThat fucken stranger danger thing is the worst. In my city, it's a major contributor to the traffic problem. During the summer, the commute is so quick. But as soon as school starts up and all the helicopter parents have to drive their precious kids, suddenly the commute is more than double. That's not an exaggeration. They can f**k themselves.
I was started in public school at 5, have a 3.4 GPA, and am on track to finish a Business major and progress to History...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesException, rather than the rule. It's called the Anecdotal Fallacy, if you would care to do a little research- otherwise, let me sum it up quickly: "My parent did x even though statistically they should have done y, so statistics are wrong" This is not to say that the statistics are correct because you have committed fallacy, but there are outliers on every spectrum and they have taken this into account when peer reviewing studies.
do they not teach you how statistics work in business school?
undergrads... pfff
Is it me or does the giant read thing in the first picture look like a textured dildo. Whats that doing on a childrens show?
Replythe last line reads "The kids develop shorter attention spans, and eventually the food service industry claims another life" followed by an ad right below it is an add for a the Cordon Bleu culinary program. Synchronicity is f*****g awesome!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAds are contextual. It's not magic, you bonehead.
And honestly when most people say "food service industry" they mean quick service, not the true Culinary fields. granted, Le Cordon Bleu is a craptastic waste of money, but still there is a big difference between being a line cook and a chef.
Would probably make more sense to say "and eventually the fast food service industry claims another life"