7 Popular 'Chick Flicks' That Secretly Hate Women
Hollywood filmmakers like their women like they like their coffee: shrill, stupid and submissive. And usually not black.
As evidence, all you need to do is look at the "romantic" movies which are targeted toward women, yet somehow embrace every negative assumption about females that males have ever dreamed up. Movies like...
#7.
What Women Want
In what we've determined to be an actual documentary, Mel Gibson is an alcoholic, cigar-chomping, divorced chauvinist prone to unsolicited butt-slapping and overt boob-ogling. After electrocuting himself while in a drunken stupor, Mel awakens to find he can hear the women's thoughts--because that's totally how electrocution works, right? Imagine his shock when he hears what a prick all the ladies around him think he is.
Say WHAAAA?
How Does This Hate Women?
According the lady-thoughts of this movie, most women are either:
A. Mindless, shallow shells of nothingness; their empty skulls filled with sleepyheaded flies lolling around musing banalities such as whether or not they left the coffee pot on, or
B. Obsessed, either positively or negatively, with Mel Gibson. His butt, his sorry attitude, his crotch. All Mel, all the time. It's like a Jewish nightmare inside the heads of the women in this movie. The only way our leading lady distinguishes herself is by managing not to immediately fall for the guy who coined the phrase "Sugar Tits." Of course, when she finds out that he's been reading her mind without letting on that he was literally reading her mind, she melts like warm, implausible butter.
Above: Something women find irresistible.
To be fair, this is Mel Gibson's movie. We couldn't expect the women to all be mulling over conditions on the ground in Sarajevo or whatever. But it was also Helen Hunt's movie. Back in 2000, the year that Helen Hunt played every single leading role of every movie produced, including Highlander: End Game. If leering at Mel Gibson's crotch was the best Helen Hunt could do in the year 2000, then the women of Hollywood should just give up now. They had their chance. Game over.
Accepting her award for the year 2000.
#6.
Twilight
In Twilight, a boring-ass twitchy girl named Bella falls in love with a shiny vampire named Edward. And for some reason not explained by the movie, he loves her back. So just be your clumsy, mouth-breathing selves ladies. Someday, if you're skinny enough, someone exotic will love you for just being "you."
And How Does This Hate Women?
Take the vampirism from this movie and all you're left with is Ike and Tina right before Tina refuses to eat the cake. Edward stomps, broods, sneers and snidely tells his love interest to fuck off, but that's just the forbidden fruit angle Bella needs to stand around like a dumbass waiting for her stalker/boyfriend to confess his love/violent lust for her tasty blood. He'll confess a few MURDERS while he's at it. Bella sees his murderous lust and raises him a dead-eyed vacant stare and the flippant assurance that he'd never hurt her. This entire movie is one black-eyed-teen away from being a PSA from 1989.
EDWARD CULLEN
I've killed people before.
ISABELLA SWAN
It does not matter.
EDWARD CULLEN
I wanted to kill you at first. I've never wanted a human's blood so much, before.
ISABELLA SWAN
I trust you.
Any girl with the self-esteem of a shoe would call it a day right there. And the next time a Cracked intern with a violent boyfriend hobbles into the office on a broken leg with a cockamamie story about falling down the stairs, then out the window, we're going to believe her. Thanks, Twilight.
Bella and Edward, circa 1975
#5.
Because I Said So
Diane Keaton is a single mom to three accomplished adult daughters and, like most moms, she can't sleep at night over fear that her youngest child isn't gettin' any penis. So she starts a quest to find her daughter the perfect mate (penis-wise). Along the way she meets a penis of her own, and we all get to listen to some frank, eye-gougingly graphic sexy talk blaring from the rambling mouth of Grannie Hall.
Still, we have an older, single woman who successfully raised her daughters and has a seemingly healthy relationship with all of them. Kudos, Hollywood. Let's get you that cookie.
And How Does This Hate Women?
Did we mention that Diane Keaton is a shrilly, hen-pecking, shrieking pterodactyl version of a person? Whereas her new beau (penis) played by Stephen Collins is just a regular, salt of the Earth kind of guy? Think your girl is sweet now? It won't be too long before she's a nagging, screeching frump of quadruple-stranded pearls and estrogen... yet still arrogant enough to think she's smarter than everyone else in the room when it comes to love.
But what was really whack about this movie is the underlying assumption that the daughter needed a man in the first place. And that the single, seemingly successful mother was so so so fervent in her belief that her single, successful daughter needed a man that she desperately placed an Internet ad looking for one. Because it was 2007 and someone had to fight off the bears who attack the homestead, right?
You don't have a boyfriend in there, do you?
We can only conclude that the single, successful mother's life has been an aborted travesty of hopelessness and deprivation for her to stoop so low.
Being single is like an abortion. Something that's unholy and evil, Michael.
#4.
Memoirs of a Geisha
Zhang Ziyi vows to learn the art of the geisha in order to win the affections of an older man who bought her a snow cone when she was 10.
Half of the Cracked staff would turn gay tricks for a piece of this action.
Thanks to her blue eyes and stupid gobs of face beauty, Ziyi rises above the geisha rabble, World War II and some wicked cruel pimp-madams to eventually get her man. This is a movie with good intentions, and a lot of care is taken to describe geishas as anything but fancy hookers, since they can sing and dance and hold a conversation. Maybe if your parents sold you to a whorehouse you wouldn't be so judging.
And How Does This Hate Women?
Other than our heroine, just about every woman in this movie is one ripped kimono away from shredding the faces off of her rivals with her elegant geisha claws; devouring their featureless heads with her blood-red mouths, then vomiting their half-digested skulls onto their headless bodies, just out of spite. When not getting set on fire, Ziyi gets the white make-up slapped off her face, which is a very hard thing to accomplish. It's not the men of the world Ziyi has to fight to get ahead, it's the women. And if we were up against these women, we'd probably just fall on the sword and call it a day.
So help me, I will cut off your feet and shove them down your throat.
Did we mention that Diane Keaton is a shrilly, hen-pecking, shrieking pterodactyl version of a person?
ReplyThank you. Thank you. Oh God, thank you. I was on a 4 hour flight and that movie, "Because I said so" was showing. And I tried to rush the cabin door, in the hopes of pulling the right lever and being violently sucked out to my death. But alas, I was stopped short, beaten furiously, and detained against my will, still being able to hear Diane Keaton's penis-shearing cackle while may face was pressed against the stale, sticky flooring.
I'm all for hating on Bella, but she isn't the only female in the series. Alice is probably one of my favorite female characters. It's a shame that she didn't get more screen time, she was the best thing in the series. I cannot comprehend how/why Meyer decided to make the main character so bland when she already has an amazing character that could easily stand on her on outside the series.
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ReplyI also hate bridget jones diary, she was a wonderful accomplish independent women, she should have told her match making mother and friends to take a hike!
ReplyMost films are either slightly misogynistic (Chick flicks) or Misandrist (Chick Flicks)
ReplyI seriously worry for the future of young women being fed romantic morals by the Twilight series.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIt involves a lot of heroin. Real heroin, not just Bella Swan.
Actually I'd be more concerned with the promotion of bestiality and necrophilia as a viable sexual lifestyle for teens.
I read the Twilight series when I was 11 (this was in 2008). I loved it and found nothing wrong with it, but its not like I was hoping to find someone like Edward. I didn't take any romantic morals from it at all. Yes, I loved the books and would probably still appreciate them if I read them again, but I knew it was fiction. C'mon now, give young women a LITTLE more credit.
I'm in a play that educates about sexual violence and we have a scene that talks about how the media romanticizes rape. We use a book in the script that's a vampire romance. It's a real book, and it manages to be WORSE than twilight. Um..... sex necromancy happens. Yep.
That's why I never watched it :)
Yes, Cracked. Patrick Stewart IS irresistible. :3
ReplyThe sad thing is that the Twilight movies were written by a woman and has that view.
Replymormon
Ah, but she still claims she's not sexist.
'... forbidden fruit angle Bella needs to stand ...'
ReplyI think Bella is an angel, not an angle.
i'm pretty sure angle is attached to the forbidden fruit, not bella. you know, as in "forbidden fruit angle." the sentence makes more sense to you now, doesn't it?
bellas not an angel shes justt a humen bieng hwo fell in luv, ur stupid
The only thing I do want to mention is the power of clothes.
ReplyI'm a bit afraid to post this here for being laughed out for being "too girly," or whatever. But I do want to offer a contrary position.
The way you dress does, in part, impact the way you feel about yourself. To illustrate, I'll use myself as an example. I dress mostly in jeans and a tshirt + sweatshirt. Sometimes I'll switch it up and wear something nicer. But when I do dress nicely, there is a noticeable change in my self-esteem, and in the way I carry myself. For example, I wore a dress for the first time in a while a few days ago, and it made me feel on top of the world. I know I'm not the only female for which this happens, though. There are reasons why there are specific fashions for specific shapes, and why there are so many iterations of the same style. Frankly, I don't give a s**t most days, but when I do want a self-esteem boost, I will don a nicer outfit.
That said, I don't think that attributing confidence 100% to clothing is very realistic either. I haven't seen the movie, so I don't intend to comment on it. However, a new wardrobe CAN provide those advantages, both emotional/psychological and social.
and here comes your contrast - I dress like a dirty redneck - and when I sit in a room full of suits, everyone underestimates me - a simple mistake, but a deadly one - when I want a self-esteem boost, I crush three-piece suited morons under my dirty 2 year old Chuck Taylors...be confident and proud of who you are as a person - not how you are dressed!
@darthkenobi - "a simple mistake, but a deadly one" - What the f**k do you do for a living? Russian Roulette?
i wish you guys would ease up on the transphobia...
ReplySuper like, Anne, and super agree.
If you're going to equate Twilight with abusive relationships then you missed out the real gem.
ReplyNew Moon has a part with a young woman named Emily who has a werewolf boyfriend and a face disfigured with claw marks. Yeah, he did that.
Basically, he lost his temper and attacked her but then said he was sorry afterwards which makes it all okay.
Uh, no. He lost his temper and CHANGED INTO A WOLF. He did not attack her, she was just too close to him when he changed.
Exactly.
Twilight werewolves don't change at the full moon, they change when they get angry. So the whole reason he changed and lashed out at her was because he got angry and she was standing there.
Apparently, you can't see the parallel but plenty of people can.
90% of chick flicks assume their audience are drooling idiots, so hate isn't really a big step. As soon as any starry eyed screenwriter is forced to write an insipid chick flick to pay the bills, the self-hatred begins to manifest itself as misogyny.
ReplyTwilight- a heart-warming, moving romance about a young girl who has to choose between necrophilia and bestiality
ReplyI still don't understand why she had to choose...
Once I was recommended this one decent fanfic where Bella decided she didn't need either of them, and went off to study something to do with endangered wildlife for several years. She was almost unrecognisable as the horrible main character from Twilight because here she had some sort of personality and seemed to be strong and fending for herself without a man other than her professor/mentor, who was like another father to her. ... and then Edward showed up again and tried to win her back, and she seemed to be considering it. At that point I stopped reading.
All I've learned from this list is that Hollywood and movies suck for finding decent morals and role-models. Just stop going to movies, you won't find what you are looking for.
ReplyIt's why I only go to action/animated ones anymore.
And comic-book characters. Except for Green Lantern. Poor Green Lantern :(
Very, very cool article. I do have to mention that Hollywood was on to something with the "dont trust the help" thing. Aaanold made a whole ugly baby with his ugly maid. food for thought, other rich women with disgusting husbands...DONT TRUST THE HELP!
ReplyUh, not don't trust your husband if he's a douche?
the women was based on a movie made before those cliche's were cliches... not to mention that original movie was based on a play that was written about 30 years previously.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesdo you want a cookie, or a fruit snack for your insightful, hard to follow bullshit? You're a shell of a man. Shell. Remember that. Asshat.
any movie with that "ba-doop-boop" song in their trailers is .... is a trailer with that song.
Oh, well! So these one-note cardboard-cutout man-dependent "women" characters merely *created* the cliches and stereotypes that every woman-hating rom-com of the next four decades would use.
That's much better! It is clear that Cracked should post a retraction, since as everyone knows originality is proof against misogyny.
You forgot to mention that the original 1939 movie, written by Anita Loos, the same person who wrote Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, is actually less misogynous than the 2008 version. And the message of the original film, to the extent that is has one, is pretty much "Don't trust your husband, if he's a douche." More specifically "If you marry a guy who left his wife for you, don't be too surprised when he leaves you."
I'm not defending the original film. Just noting the irony that it took a 21st century reboot to make a movie about rich people who are douches, ALSO racist, and misogynous, rather than just sexist.
Is everyone forgetting that women have been oppressed for thousands of years?? These "cliches" and "stereotypes" of women have been around longer than entertainment has.
#2 is especially annoying for some reason. But then, they all are at some level. Maybe it's because Legally Blonde starts out with the (apparently) self-centered ditz who turns out to have a real brain in her head, be kind and compassionate in her slightly dingy way, and finds out, hey, a man's nice to have, but he's not essential to a fulfilling and wonderful life.
ReplyI think it's more that that movie was REALLY bad anyway. Dont over-think it. Some of these of entertaining mindless s**t, but THIS one is just a s**t on the chest of all women, from quality to the message. I cant believe Sex and the City didn't make this. Couldn't have been the EIGHT(etc etc etc)? Im so sick of bitches deciding they ARE Carrie, Samantha, Horse face, or Barren. Way to define yourselves, idiots.
So I love most of this list but I have to disagree with one of them:
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesPretty Woman is based on the classic musical My Fair Lady, which is, in fact, entirely about a man who bets that with proper clothing and speech training he can fool everyone into thinking that a Cockney-accented street flower vendor is European royalty. And it works.
The truth is, we totally do judge people on their clothes and dress and Julia Robert's character had no chance in hell of doing better when's she's trapped as a prostitute with no money. Say what you will about woman and shopping, but really, would a man trying to get a job interview not be elated and act differently when someone gives him a tailored 3-piece Brooks Brothers suit to replace his old torn T-shirt and cargo pants? I have guy friends who spent their first big paycheck on a fancy watch or tie for the same reason as a woman might splurge on shoes or a necklace - it feels good to see you're doing well.
Pretty Woman is empowering to woman. Given the resources, she does, in fact, change her life instead of chasing a rich man to the altar.
Arguable at best (this data comes straight from mothers of prostitutes nationwide) because she has already CHOSEN to be a play thing, you can't take back the decision to sell yourself for $5000 a week. Any decision to use a man's money to improve yourself thereafter is pure profit from abusing your literal womanhood. I'm no feminist, but I DON'T think pretty woman is empowering to women. I think we'll been told it is. Just my 2 cents.
she changes her life by f*****g a man for money and gifts - oh boy, that's real empowering - I hope the 25th anniversary edition has a tagline of "Giving Hope To Hookers Everywhere For 25 Years"
The pivotal scene form Pretty Woman is when Roberts strides back into the boutique she was turned away from, holding the bags and bags of stuff she bought elsewhere and sneers, "big mistake" to the snobby clerks.
Pretty Woman i about the power of money, not the power of women.
Again, is that not just men seeing woman as objects?
any one else come here just to see them hate on the stupid twilight movies and (grammer nazis leave me alone
Replywe shall not leave you alone until you learn how to spell "grammar" - and I'm changing the terminology from Grammar Nazi to Grammar Jedi - don't TRY to spell/type/speak better - DO BETTER! (were you expecting anything less from a guy named Darth Kenobi?!?)