|
Hollywood filmmakers like their women like they like their coffee: shrill, stupid and submissive. And usually not black. As evidence, all you need to do is look at the "romantic" movies which are targeted toward women, yet somehow embrace every negative assumption about females that males have ever dreamed up. Movies like... #7.
What Women Want
In what we've determined to be an actual documentary, Mel Gibson is an alcoholic, cigar-chomping, divorced chauvinist prone to unsolicited butt-slapping and overt boob-ogling. After electrocuting himself while in a drunken stupor, Mel awakens to find he can hear the women's thoughts--because that's totally how electrocution works, right? Imagine his shock when he hears what a prick all the ladies around him think he is.
How Does This Hate Women? According the lady-thoughts of this movie, most women are either: A. Mindless, shallow shells of nothingness; their empty skulls filled with sleepyheaded flies lolling around musing banalities such as whether or not they left the coffee pot on, or B. Obsessed, either positively or negatively, with Mel Gibson. His butt, his sorry attitude, his crotch. All Mel, all the time. It's like a Jewish nightmare inside the heads of the women in this movie. The only way our leading lady distinguishes herself is by managing not to immediately fall for the guy who coined the phrase "Sugar Tits." Of course, when she finds out that he's been reading her mind without letting on that he was literally reading her mind, she melts like warm, implausible butter.
To be fair, this is Mel Gibson's movie. We couldn't expect the women to all be mulling over conditions on the ground in Sarajevo or whatever. But it was also Helen Hunt's movie. Back in 2000, the year that Helen Hunt played every single leading role of every movie produced, including Highlander: End Game. If leering at Mel Gibson's crotch was the best Helen Hunt could do in the year 2000, then the women of Hollywood should just give up now. They had their chance. Game over.
#6.
Twilight
In Twilight, a boring-ass twitchy girl named Bella falls in love with a shiny vampire named Edward. And for some reason not explained by the movie, he loves her back. So just be your clumsy, mouth-breathing selves ladies. Someday, if you're skinny enough, someone exotic will love you for just being "you."
And How Does This Hate Women? Take the vampirism from this movie and all you're left with is Ike and Tina right before Tina refuses to eat the cake. Edward stomps, broods, sneers and snidely tells his love interest to fuck off, but that's just the forbidden fruit angle Bella needs to stand around like a dumbass waiting for her stalker/boyfriend to confess his love/violent lust for her tasty blood. He'll confess a few MURDERS while he's at it. Bella sees his murderous lust and raises him a dead-eyed vacant stare and the flippant assurance that he'd never hurt her. This entire movie is one black-eyed-teen away from being a PSA from 1989.
Any girl with the self-esteem of a shoe would call it a day right there. And the next time a Cracked intern with a violent boyfriend hobbles into the office on a broken leg with a cockamamie story about falling down the stairs, then out the window, we're going to believe her. Thanks, Twilight.
#5.
Because I Said So
Diane Keaton is a single mom to three accomplished adult daughters and, like most moms, she can't sleep at night over fear that her youngest child isn't gettin' any penis. So she starts a quest to find her daughter the perfect mate (penis-wise). Along the way she meets a penis of her own, and we all get to listen to some frank, eye-gougingly graphic sexy talk blaring from the rambling mouth of Grannie Hall. Still, we have an older, single woman who successfully raised her daughters and has a seemingly healthy relationship with all of them. Kudos, Hollywood. Let's get you that cookie.
And How Does This Hate Women? Did we mention that Diane Keaton is a shrilly, hen-pecking, shrieking pterodactyl version of a person? Whereas her new beau (penis) played by Stephen Collins is just a regular, salt of the Earth kind of guy? Think your girl is sweet now? It won't be too long before she's a nagging, screeching frump of quadruple-stranded pearls and estrogen... yet still arrogant enough to think she's smarter than everyone else in the room when it comes to love. But what was really whack about this movie is the underlying assumption that the daughter needed a man in the first place. And that the single, seemingly successful mother was so so so fervent in her belief that her single, successful daughter needed a man that she desperately placed an Internet ad looking for one. Because it was 2007 and someone had to fight off the bears who attack the homestead, right?
We can only conclude that the single, successful mother's life has been an aborted travesty of hopelessness and deprivation for her to stoop so low.
#4.
Memoirs of a Geisha
Zhang Ziyi vows to learn the art of the geisha in order to win the affections of an older man who bought her a snow cone when she was 10.
Thanks to her blue eyes and stupid gobs of face beauty, Ziyi rises above the geisha rabble, World War II and some wicked cruel pimp-madams to eventually get her man. This is a movie with good intentions, and a lot of care is taken to describe geishas as anything but fancy hookers, since they can sing and dance and hold a conversation. Maybe if your parents sold you to a whorehouse you wouldn't be so judging. And How Does This Hate Women? Other than our heroine, just about every woman in this movie is one ripped kimono away from shredding the faces off of her rivals with her elegant geisha claws; devouring their featureless heads with her blood-red mouths, then vomiting their half-digested skulls onto their headless bodies, just out of spite. When not getting set on fire, Ziyi gets the white make-up slapped off her face, which is a very hard thing to accomplish. It's not the men of the world Ziyi has to fight to get ahead, it's the women. And if we were up against these women, we'd probably just fall on the sword and call it a day.
|
The 7 Most Baffling Products Ever Released By Famous Brands
15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters
5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs That Turned Out to Be True
8 Psychotic Overreactions by Adults at Youth Sporting Events
Jul 31st: A Day In Cracked History
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies)
7 Classic Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories
15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters
5 Pop Culture Classics Created Out of Laziness
Copyright © 2005 – 2010 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Twitter
Fark
Why did they have to remake 'the women'? the 1939 one is so much better.
this article's a bit old but whatever. 'he's just not that into you' should be on this list.
Really. I dumped a girlfriend over that movie.
Most Cracked articles are hilarious. And feminism all of the way. With that said, here we go.
@r,b&thelash
It is rightfully fiction. However, Memoirs of a Geisha ultimately revolved around the eventual triumphs of a protagonist who overcame all of the so-called "s**t a dude made up." Satsuki is unique in that although mounds of unrealistic and hateful ploys are thrown toward her by other geishas, she somehow succeeds in her own way and conquers her definition of happiness. Yes, the women were spiteful toward each other, but I believe the overplayed bitterness emphasized the rivalries some Japanese geisha were forced to overcome or be overcome by at the time. Depicting misogyny as the overwhelming effect of the film isn't accurate in my opinion. But that's just my opinion.
And on a kind-of random side note: Misogynistic as most of these movies are, I hate how the term 'chick flicks' is derogatory toward most films which seem to portray any ounce of female interest. :/
It's rather telling that practically no major j*panese-born person played in it. Ken Watanabe was in it, sure, that guys is like the j*panese Sam Jackson - he'll act in anything.
It wasn't a categorically "bad" movie, but let a lot of Chinese girls play dress up.
Wow. You do realize in Memoirs of a Geisha, her name is NITTA SAYURI. Where the f**k did you get Zhang Ziyi? Wth? That automatically made me dismiss the entire article. Really, if you are going to write an article, do the proper research. Like reading the back of the movie box. (Plus, Zhang is a Chinese name, not Japanese.)
Zhang Ziyi is the actress who played Sayuri. Perhaps you should do your own "proper research" :)
Funny thing is - Zhang doesn't look anything like a j*panese woman. As much as I'd like to f**k her.
Erica, I officially love you. Awesome article. Thanks for writing something ON CRACKED, actually ON CRACKED, that doesn't denigrate and devalue women, but in fact makes fun of people who do. Less than three x a lot.
If you're intent with writing "misogynistic" articles is to piss off transparent people sensitive to that s**t, is it really misogynistic?
I just could not stop laughing at Twilight.
Hey - you forgot a point that I've never understood > especially when encountering the "catty female" stereotype.
In your #2 -The Women: why isn't the plot then based on her getting back at the man that cheated on her?! I've never understood this > He is the only one who has joined in an emotional bond and betrayed it, why hate a random stranger that he has chosen to cheat on you with? She doesn't know you, hasn't betrayed you.
This whole premise is that we have to KEEP the man around, no matter what, and that the problem at hand is the "other woman" getting in the way...
Interesting... why doesn't the protagonist dump and/or humiliate the offending spouse who is the source of all this pain? > and that is to any combination of gendered relationships... though it always seems to happen in Hollywood, as women vs. women.
We all hate women, but our dicks love them
Women love men. But we don't love you. Because you're the dick.
The Women is a remake of a 1939 film so that makes it a bit more understandable, except for the fact that they would use that kind of material for a modern film.
If they had brought more equilibrium to the infidelity (casting more blame on the spouse, not classing down the "other woman") it would have updated the film and made it bearable. Alas...
I'm waiting for someone to write a "7 Movies That Hate Men" article. Oh, wait, nobody wants to read that. Because it's not sexist if you hate, stereotype, and make fun of men. Just like it's not racist to make fun of white people.
What do you mean? I would totally read that. Can already think of one too. 007: Casino Royale. Should have seen how all of the guys I know twitched during that torture scene.
I so want to read that article. Though if any movies make the list on the basis of nut-shots I will be disappoint.
another one could be Hard Candy even though its pretty blatantly obvious it hates men. i was clutching my balls through about 60% of the movie
Hard Candy made me cringe and cross my legs a LOT, and I'm female.
white males are so oppressed : (
s**t...chuck a baseball in Walmart DVD isle and see what you come up with. I'd read that s**t.
oskilover18-
The fact that "Memoirs" is in the name does not mean it's nonfiction. It's a framing device. While Golden did interview a retired geisha for *background* information, her reaction to the book and her own actual memoirs (Geisha, a Life) and the fact that it is a fiction book suggests that mainly what he did was make a lot of s**t up. Note: if you compare this book to actual nonfictional accounts, or note its placement in a library, you will quickly determine that it is, indeed, fiction, aka s**t a dude made up.
I completely agree with a lot of this and would love to add a whole slew of movies to the list, but I also have to disagree with a couple points raised here. So I actually haven't seen Because I Said So, and thought I agree that mothers shouldn't act as though their daughters have to have a man to be happy, mothers (even the most independent and confident women in the world) still encourage their single daughters to find a man in every way. It sucks, but it's fact. And as to Memoirs of a Geisha, first it's based off a woman's true story, and secondly, the whole point of the movie is that the women are so damaged and torn by life that they have become very backstabbing. The more bitter and unhappy with their lives people (men and women) are, the more hateful they become. It was a commentary on the fact that these women were forced into lives where they couldn't focus at all on their own dreams or ambitions, but instead did what they had to to survive and thus became cruel and backstabbing in many situations.
Nice article. It's weird to see the prejudice that still runs abound in our world.
Also, Erica Cantin has nice boobs.
Everyone's prejudiced, you may as well get that out of your systme
ick. "pretty woman."
does anyone remember that when that movie came out, little girls everywhere actually started to think that prostitution was another good career option?
"memoirs of a geisha" glorified lives of geishas much like "pretty woman" glorified prostitution. both movies are absolute trash.
What flux said.
ick. indeed
Eh, what geisha's did was an art form, and rarely had anything to do with sex. But yeah, the portrayal in the movie, as well as either move itself, is trash.
I don't think Twilight secretely hates woman; I think it openly and glaringly hates women.
The book and film has a guy crawling into a girl's bedroom to watch her sleep and destroy her car so she can't see her friends; and Bella is flattered by this. O-K, if that's not creepy I don't know what creepy is. Seriously WTF? What kind of sick, twisted relationship is that? Men can abuse women? That's romance? really?
Yeah, that whole series is pretty much just LOLWUT.
completely agree.
It's a romance novel with vampires to make it mainstream. I know of a few dudes who read the book, but most go LOLWUT?
Nice article, but I was taken aback by the first ad after the list. It's an ad for EliteMeeting with a picture of a scantily clad woman with the words, "Date Hot Women" next to her...
The new year approaching, click in. Let's facelift bar!
===== http://www.itemtolive.com/ ====
Air jordan(1-24)shoes $33
Handbags(Coach l v f e n d i d&g) $35
Tshirts (Polo ,ed hardy,lacoste) $16
Jean(True Religion,ed hardy,coogi) $30
Sunglasses(Oakey,coach,gucci,A r m a i n i) $16
New era cap $15
Bikini (Ed hardy,polo) $25
FREE sHIPPING
====== http://www.itemtolive.com/ ====
Can you believe they pay women for jobs nowadays? Yeah I know, and I don't mean with like food or anything. They actually pay women with real money for jobs nowadays. What is America coming to?
Can you believe they pay women for jobs nowadays? Yeah I know, and I don't mean with like food or anything. They actually pay women with real money for jobs nowadays. What is America coming to?
The new year approaching, click in. Let's facelift bar!
===== http://www.bhshoe.com/ ====
Air jordan(1-24)shoes $33
Handbags(Coach l v f e n d i d&g) $35
Tshirts (Polo ,ed hardy,lacoste) $16
Jean(True Religion,ed hardy,coogi) $30
Sunglasses(Oakey,coach,gucci,A r m a i n i) $16
New era cap $15
Bikini (Ed hardy,polo) $25
FREE sHIPPING
====== http://www.bhshoe.com/ =====