Cracked Round-Up: Monkey Edition

It took years of hard lobbying, but we finally got corporate to foot the bill for a thousand monkeys, a thousand typewriters, and one giant padded room. Our thinking was, if they can bang out the words to Shakespeare eventually, doing a weekly round-up should be no problem. Sadly we'll never get to know if we were right. Shortly after we set up their room, the monkeys started a poop-flinging fight with DOB.

They're all dead.

We started this week off stoned. Gladstoned, that is. He wrote a column about credit cards or something. Brockway followed up by looking up manly pictures and writing about them. Chris Bucholz showed up late in this week's rotation with an article on lifehacking, while Seanbaby suggested ways for stupid people to make a living. Speaking of stupid people, Dan O'Brien closed us off by destroying a beloved children's book series.

SUBLIME FAILURE

5 People Who Failed Their Way To Fame And Fortune Usually when people say failure is a positive thing, they mean that making mistakes and learning from them is the surest path for personal growth. These people skipped the 'growth' part and just became such spectacular failures that people were willing to shell out money to see how low they could go.

Notable Comment: "Big Fish was a good film by Tim Burton. And why isn't Helen Keller on this list?"

SPOOKY

6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3) Proving once more that, sometimes, reality is even more retarded than fiction.

Notable Comment: "It was discovered that the man with the collar was also the mastermind. "

FRANKENSLUT, the man was killed by an explosive collar. We're not sure how he qualifies as a mastermind.

BAD WORLD

The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth If only we could rent out the Winchester mystery house for our offices. We'd have all the hiding places for drugs, bodies, and DOB's pornography collection that we'd ever need.

Notable Comment: "Good article, but you're kind of a twat. Making fun of radiation in Ukraine is like making fun of oppression of the blacks by the whites in the U.S.A. Or making fun of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Or the was in Vietnam. Or slavery, world economy, Iraq, Cuba, etc. etc. Catch my drift? Your nation is not all candy and ice-cream cones as you would like to believe. You probably get more radiation just from eating a microwaved meal than you would from living near a nuclear power plant. Also research the real cause of the accident, it has nothing to do with what you wrote about. "

You heard it straight from the_internet's lips, everyone. Microwaved food is exactly as radioactive as Chernobyl. And the meltdown totally wasn't caused by outdated equipment, terrible safety procedures, and years of poor maintenance. It was probably Capitalism's fault.

WONG

6 Popular Monster Myths That Prove Humanity Is Doomed Wong is back. And this time, it's personal. Again.

Notable Comment:"any article that uses that boob picture gets my full support. "

TERRIBLE

7 Horrific Boogeymen Used To Scare Kids Around The World There are a few values shared by all cultures around the world. One of them is that scaring the shit out of small children is just swell.

Notable Comment: col_p asks; "The Whipfather appears in the Venture Brothers Christmas episode on the season 1 DVD... as I recall it tries to rape Rusty. "

YamiNoSensei, the monster in that episode was very clearly the Krampus. Didn't we tell you in the article not to mistake the two? Now you'll have to be castrated by way of punishment.

Tremendosaur

Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog That laughing bastard.

YOU YOU YOU!

How to REALLY Scare People On Halloween We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Sex Education Was Actually Useful.

10.29.09:

s'pork
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

You know what, I think I'll just have a salad.
by seannyb

10.28.09:

If your first thought wasn't 3.141592653589793.... then please tell me what sex is
by imTKA

Editor's pick:

Now show me on this doll where the pie touched you.
by GaseousClay

10.27.09:

"Look at the size of his 'wood'!" "Steve, one more pun and I swear I'll f**king kill you"
by aaa182

Editor's pick:

You're so racist. That's not an oak, that's an elm. What, so all trees look alike to you?
by Julius_Goat

10.26.09:

Teenage Mutant Chimney Dumpers
by natebooze

Editor's pick:

It's Ribbited for her pleasure.
by thisisme_ari

10.25.09:

If the KKK had emo kids.
by nimo

Editor's pick:

They know she's not filled with candy but they're still going to beat her with a stick.
by Blinker_Fluid

10.24.09:

Will Daft Punk for Food
by Ronin22

Editor's pick:

Still 64% less girly than C3PO.
by Warren_et

10.23.09:

On Christmas day, Santa Claus delivers the less conventional presents by motorcycle.
by ad6889

Editor's pick:

"I knew it was true love the first time I laid eyes on your father"
by aaa182