#3. Lord of the Rings Tree House - $90,000+
As you're probably figuring out, there are two ways to solve any dilemma: 1) The Sensible Way and 2) The Rich Asshole Way. Allow us to demonstrate. Let's say you own a tree (it could happen) and a lightning strike blows a hole in your otherwise nice-looking tree.
What do you do about that pesky hole? If you're sensible person you might say, "Who gives a shit. It's a tree." However; if you are a rich asshole your solution might be to cram about $100,000 into the tree's gaping ass while creating a safe place to live out your Lord of the Rings fantasies. Perhaps you could pretend the people out in the street begging for food are orcs!
Fly! You fools!
Thus we have the Lord of the Rings Tree House. This Scottish tree gap filler cost more than twice the average Scotsman's annual salary, features stained-glass windows and multi-leveled verandas, which makes it perfect for the kids! Also, there's a 600-foot zip line so your little hobbits can pretend they're flying! Or, you know, actually fly.
#2. Vanity Cell Phone Number - $2,750,000
So let's say you want the world's douchiest phone number. You might find whoever has 468-2439 (DOUCHEY) and offer to buy it. But that's far too straightforward; the average rich prick is far craftier than your average Internet comedy writer.
"Is 'EL DOOSH' taken?"
So instead, a guy went out and bought a phone number that costs $2,750,000. And what number could possibly cost so much? Why, it's 666-6666.
You might ask, "Where did my Slayer-loving cousin Rodney get 3,000,000 bucks?" Don't worry, Rodney's still living in your aunt's basement and doing Satan's work at the Carl's Jr. drive thru window. Turns out, while a bunch of sixes might be the mark of the beast in Western culture, the word six in Arabic is equated with "ellah," meaning God. So in Qatar, where the number was sold, owning 666-6666 is like owning God's phone number.
Though it seems like that would really piss God off. The douchebag owner might expect to get a rather irate voice mail one of these days:
"Yeah, hey, this is God. I seem to be getting a lot of your calls lately, mostly from guys who keep asking if I want to 'go catch a John Mayer show' or help them 'pick up a case of Axe Body Spray' or 'grab an Orange Julius and go beat up some queers.' Listen, give me back my phone number or I'll melt Dane Cook. You have until sundown to decide."
#1. Luxury Dog House - $406,000
Sitting at your desk in second grade, as your mind began to shut down from the onslaught of soul crushing fractions, you probably slipped a piece of paper out and drew up your dream house. Don't be ashamed, we've all done it. Like us, you likely sketched out an anti-gravity room, a room just filled with lasers and robots that made you food. No it didn't make sense, but it was terrific.
We all wanted a room full of pandas, right?
Then you grew up and never got the dream house. But guess what? Someone stole the blueprint for your fantastical, Bond Villian-esque dream house and built it...for a couple of dogs.
This nearly half-million-dollar super kennel and home to two Great Danes features a $220,000 sound system, 52-inch plasma screen TV, a heated spa, self cleaning and automatically filling food and water dishes and sheep-skinned, temperature-controlled beds.
But wait, there's more. Not only does this high tech house feature a closed circuit television system but the front door includes a retina scanner security system.... for dogs. You know, when you're a well-to-do dog you don't want undesirables, like homeless human beings, invading your space.
If you feed one, more will just show up.
The female surgeon who ordered the construction of this doggy uber-home wished to remain anonymous. See? On some level, they know this is wrong.
You can read more from Cole at Fun With Cole
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To become as rich as these assholes, check out 5 Ways to Get Rich (Without a Single Discernible Skill). Or find out about some rich people that earned themselves a ticket to Satan's brothel, in The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Anyone Ever Got Rich.
And stop by our Top Picks to Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien crying over DOB's expense report (it's mostly dildos and Cognac).