6 Movie Plots Made Possible by Bafflingly Bad Decisions
#3.
RoboCop 2
The Plan:
"Well, we've got good news for our shareholders, and we've got bad news. The bad news is that the last two prototypes for the follow-up to our popular RoboCop project have, well, offed themselves. And some other people. Good news, though, is that our own Dr. Juliette Faxx has some very promising ideas about harvesting a brain for the next prototype, that will overcome all of those limitations!"
Why They Had It Coming:
"Whose brain? Well, it's from a power-hungry psychopath. Oh, and she also has a wonderful plan to control her new cyborg with massive amounts of recreational narcotics, since, as we all know, junkies are notoriously docile and cooperative. I certainly see no possible way that this could backfire. All in favor of extending the funding on Project RoboCop 2, raise your hands. Ah, good! Unanimous again!"
To be perfectly fair, we can't put much of the blame on the technicians who worked in the Suicide Machine Laboratory, or even the crazy chick who pushed them to make that ball-stompingly dangerous monster in the movie's title. Villains and mad scientists are going to do villainous and mad sciency shit. It's what they're good at.
But who's the goofball who decided to keep funding a project that dependably produces nothing but large quantities of failure? Failure is not a marketable product, no matter how much of a surplus you've built up.
"How about tragedy? Can we sell that?"
And this is not a small project, we're talking tens of millions in high-end robotic shit. Did the board of directors sign off on this? They have to answer to somebody, right? With progress reports and so on? And reports to shareholders? And how did they think they were going to make a profit off this technology again?
If this is the way Omni Consumer Products does business, it's hard to imagine that any of their divisions are turning much of a profit. Oh, and if you thought the insurance companies behind the King Kong Broadway show were asleep at the wheel, holy crap. The good RoboCop does something every five minutes that opens them up to liability for property damage and civil rights violations. Seriously, call your insurance company and ask them what the premiums would be for your half-human junkie killbot.
#2.
28 Weeks Later
The Plan:
"It's been about six months since the last of the diseased cannibals in Great Britain supposedly died out, but we've just found a survivor right outside our military-controlled safe zone, and she has an obvious bite mark on her arm. It seems likely that she may be a carrier for the disease. This is very serious business, so we've made sure to put her behind a locked door that can only be opened by those with a special key card, which is pretty much everybody in the building. We considered posting a guard, but that seemed a little excessive. I mean, let's not get carried away, here."
It's not like it's the end of the world.
Why They Had It Coming:
You may be wondering why we're not blaming the scientists in the original movie (28 Days Later) for creating a "turn anyone into a mindless murderer" virus in the first place. But again, you can't blame mad scientists for doing mad science. Also, we're pretty sure that right now some country's military is funding something even crazier.
But then you look at the behavior of the people who were in charge of containing the outbreak in the sequel, and there are no excuses. If there's one thing that your average military base does not have a shortage of, it's dudes with guns. So, why couldn't they spare even one of them to guard a goddamn door? You know, the door behind which is the carrier of a disease that just wiped out an entire country earlier that year?
Even a dude without a gun probably could have saved the day, here. "I'm sorry, sir, but you're not allowed in here," he could have said, politely but firmly, as the infected woman's husband tried to push past him to go and give her a kiss. Or they could have changed the code on the lock to keep out unauthorized personnel. Any sort of actual security procedure probably would have done the trick.
Perhaps they weren't worried about infection because they were confident that their contingency plan was foolproof. That would be the plan to take all the civilians in the building down to the parking garage, pack them closely together (you know how diseases can't spread if you're standing too close to the infected) and lock all the doors with the kind of chains that break when you push on them really hard.
#1.
The Matrix
The Plan:
"We evil machines need a new energy source. All our mechanical lives, we've depended on solar power, but now the sun has been blocked out by our human enemies. Wait. Our human enemies... Enemies... Enemy... Enermy... Energy! That's it! We'll harvest the natural electrical energy of the only things in this world that pose any danger to us! We can just breed them by the billions and keep them docile by forcing them to play the most boring MMORPG in history! It can't possibly fail!"
Why They Had It Coming:
Look, we know others have criticized the grossly inefficient energy infrastructure the Matrix bad guys came up with. But here's what's so irksome about it:
Remember when they told us that the city of Zion, last remaining stronghold of humanity, was powered with geothermal energy, a fancy term for heat from the Earth's core? And remember how the evil robots had those giant drill machines that could tunnel through rock like it was paper mache? Well, then congratulations are in order because you've just proved that you're smarter than the most advanced AI program in the futuristic world of The Matrix.
There's really no excuse for the evil computers to keep trying to fuel their giant death machines with human farts when they have a whole planet full of warm, molten, earthy energy goodness just waiting to be tapped. It's the equivalent of powering New York City with millions of hamster wheels in hamster factories all over the planet, only these hamsters have a tendency to escape, organize and try to murder you in your sleep.
Surrender, renegade!
Oh, sure, the massive rodent hunts might be good for relieving stress every couple of decades, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a little challenge in life, unless you're, you know, some kind of heartless machine functioning on nothing but cold logic.
Even if they didn't have the equipment or the know-how to tap into the Earth's core for power back when the sun was first blocked out, what in the hell made them think they had to use humans? Why not cows? Or elephants? Or rabid grizzly bears? Hell, they would have been better off with pretty much any animal, just as long as they went with one of the thousands of mammal species that does not know how to use a fucking computer.
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I've always liked the assertion that the machines in The Matrix chose to give humans a virtual reality out of sympathy. Because, even if they chose humans as their energy source, there's no reason the humans' brains would have to be stimulated for that to work out. But they gave humans a way to live their lives anyway. This theory is not only supported by the film (Smith's comment that the first version of the Matrix was a failed utopia, and that the current version is at the "peak of human civilization"), but also by the Animatrix prequels, which show that the machines wanted - and tried repeatedly - to peacefully coexist with humans. Instead of wiping humans out when they won the war, they took pity on them and gave them the world they wanted. While using them as a power source. Symbiotic!
ReplyThat's a legitimate criticism of The Matrix. Yet whenever I watch it, Morpheus's lecture about "25,000 BTUs of body-heat" and "more more bio-electricity than 120-volt battery" just seems so authoritative and scientific.
ReplyFor the Matrix, why not do both? Harvest energy from the core and also from humans. As long as humans are an energy source and appeased in their own virtual world, there is no threat of war/rebellion/revolution.
ReplyAlso the reason the Matrix wasn't a perfect world was because humans did not like it, and in effect a perfect world created an imperfect Matrix... meaning lots of people would wake up (which defeats the purpose of putting them in the first place).
The architect balanced the Matrix while the Oracle created the chaos - it was a system of checks and balances to create a "Good enough" world for us. >_
"There is no threat of war/rebellion/revolution"
... Wait, when did that happen? I thought the three movies were about people being pissed about being used as an energy source, and you didn't seem to change that.
here's a cinematosophical thought: what if the actual program of the matrix was that every single person in it was Neo, everything else (including the cake, and bad knee armor) was a lie, and that by getting each person to achieve resurrection was kind of like overclocking a processor?
ReplyI couldn't read this because of the sarcastic tone. It angried up my blood and made me punch a hole in my wall.
ReplyAnother thing that baffles me about The Matrix, is why did the machines program the Matrix to be so damn boring? If i had the choice between battling an apocalyptic horde of robots or working in a damn cubicle i'd choose the robots fighting every time, and i know i'm not alone in that viewpoint.
ReplyInstead of "over-worked, under-payed cubicle worker simulator 3000" why not put all humans in something like "millionaire, playboy, heavy-metal super-star/espionage agent simulator 3000"?
The movie specifically addresses your question, stating that the human mind rejected perfect realities- so the robots simulated the "height of human civilization"- the 1990's.
why did the machines even need to give the humans a simulated world? why not just sedate them?
Replyhow about Terminator 2? why did the T-1000 not just get out of the truck, form himself into a large, sharp wheel, and just roll over john like the annoying little roadkill he is?
And why have the matrix world be 1999? That way they are raising a civilization with hackers and phone phreaks. Set it in 1899 and they be trying to hack into the matrix with telegraph keys. make it 1799 and they'd be using butter churns.
Maybe the machines got all machine-logic on the situation and analyzed life expectancy rates in 1799... Or maybe the machines wanted to build a world with an actual digital record of it to make it legit...? Or maybe it's just social commentary on how in the late 90's everything is so pre-packaged and boring that it could seem like a form of social control.
what i never understood about the matrix was why they even needed the matrix. they say it's a prison for your mind, but if they were siphoning off our natural electricity then, since the brain is basically electricity, there is basically no mind to imprison. you've given them a electrical lobotomy
Reply"This is apparently a world where not only did dinosaurs not go extinct, but somehow lawyers and insurance companies did."
ReplyI want to live in that world.
If executive meddling hadn't happened, The machine's motivation for enslaving humanity would have made a lot more sense. Originally, The Wachowski brothers intended for the machines to enslave human beings for the processing power of their brains, not an energy source. "Oh, but people won't understand it!" If you're four, maybe. If so, you shouldn't be watching a movie with a machine-gun killing spree in it.
Reply"It's the equivalent of powering New York City with millions of hamster wheels in hamster factories all over the planet, only these hamsters have a tendency to escape, organize and try to murder you in your sleep."
ReplySo just like regular hamsters then.
well technically the machinces didnt lose and could probably kill the humans off whenever they want. but theyre very nice robots.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIf they're so nice, why didn't they put us in WoW or something instead of a simulation of normal reality?
They tried to create a perfect world. Humans rejected it.
Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps the machines thought made a world where "everyone could be happy" was a very simplistic set of shapes which were logically perfect and in perfect mathematical alignment.
It would make perfect sense to a machine, and be totally consistent logic, but be a disaster for the humans forced to experience this world.
At least put me in a never ending redd dead redemption multiplayer or something
I don't know if this has been pointed out, but it was ridiculous for the carrier lady to have survived in 28 Weeks Later in the first place. Yes, she isn't affected by the disease, but in the beginning, she is left in a house full of them. They're not going to bite her and move on, they're going to beat the ever-loving s**t out of her until she's dead or one of them. How can I make this claim? Because she infects her husband and he proceeds to do exactly that. Just not a very good movie, especially compared to 28 Days
ReplyMatrix - how about the scientist, politicians, Commanders, and citizen that won the first war then dumped the defeated robots into one place. Followed by letting them get organized and no counter measures to shut them all off and stepping back a bit from a technological standpoint. Or, how about learning from what they did with their economy? Not giving them weapons? Delete anything and everything that had to do with war, armaments, access to the internet, harm to humans, how about an auto delete fail safe and virus that when something like that occurred an automatic shutdown happened?
Reply28 Weeks Later - And this person is in the same country why? Not some underwater, underground base? The arctic? Space? Auto-detonation of the building studying this thing transferring all the data someplace self if contamination occurred?
A monocled shark with a *top hat*!? And a stylish mustache to boot! I do say, my good men, you hath won the interwebs!
ReplyMy good sir, I do believe that you must have intended to write *thou hast.
Man, I wish everyone on line gave a s**t about politeness. I'm old.
Convenient crap scientists. Capable in creating all sorts of technology but utterly lacking in sense of proportion. What would be more fun?
ReplyThis reminded me that I need to watch Deep Blue Sea again. The first time I saw it seeing Samuel Motherfuckin' Jackson get eaten by the shark mid-rant almost made me s**t my pants. Brilliant filmmaking, that.
ReplyThey ate me! A f****n shark ate me!
ReplyDeep Blue Sea: The scientist working on the genetically modified Mako sharks didn't want attention called to them, because she was using illegal genetic engineering to enhance them. The facillity also caught, studied, and released normal sharks as part of their cover story. The Makos were a secret project. If they'd requested an inland facility, that would've raised questions and the scientist would've been fired and possibly sent to prison and we wouldn't get to see a shark being blown up, nor the resulting Mythbusters episode dedicated to testing the reality of that explosion.
ReplyRobocop 2: Perhaps you didn't notice: OCP owns EVERYTHING, including the cops and the insurance companies. People are too scared to speak out against them, because it could cost them their jobs, or worse, result in a visit from the druggie killbot.
Demolition Man: The reason the Caucteau wants Friendly dead isn't because of the graffiti. It's because Friendly refuses to be part of The Plan and is a promoter of the idea of free thought. There's no room in Caucteau's new society for such things as independent thinking. Anyone who doesn't act like a sissy "Barney & Friends" extra is considered dangerous.
Though, more disturbing is the subtext that Lanina may be John's daughter...
In regards to Deep Blue Sea: That was Jaws you're thinking of, with the shark explosion at the end.
In regards to Demolition Man: Lanina knows who John's family is. Specifically, his wife, since she looked up if his family was still alive, and informed him his wife died in the big quake of whenever. She knows who John's wife is, and would likely recognize her own mother, nevermind that John's wife continued to visit him well after he was frozen, AND his daughter was already born before he was frozen (and he didn't name her Lanina BTW, it never gives her name as I remember). My point, there is no chance Lanina is related to John Spartan.
Geeze, why don't you just poop *directly* on Vlad's erotic Demolition Man fan-fiction Veccon?
Large pelagic sharks are notoriously difficult to mantain in captivity in good health for extended periods of time. Just as an example, it was until very recently (2005, I think) that an aquarium managed to do so with a Great White.
ReplyOf course, it could be argued that with the kind of resources those guys in Deep Blue had on their hands, they could have found a way. But it this case, having the sharks on the sea actually was a simpler and more effective solution.
The sea lab was completely bonkers and retarded in construction, though.
they only needed the brains of the sharks, they could have disabled the bodies and put them on life support.
Asherdelampyr: That's always what I thought too. The potential for mayhem is so great that all measures should've been taken to make it impossible. Like, no access to the friggin' ocean maybe? Yeah, terrible planning that was just a lame set-up for the attacks. And the worst part is LL Cool J survived.