Here is something you would think the board of directors wouldn't want to hear when you're trying to pitch a new food product:
"Simply put, they're not what a potato is supposed to be."
But you'd be wrong, because that's how H.J. Heinz decided to market Funky Fries, and somebody fucking went for it.
Sexy: Something else potatoes aren't supposed to be.
In case you're the type of square cat that needs to be told, Funky Fries are french fries that come in a variety of flavors like chocolate, cinnamon, sour cream and blue. Yes, blue. As that's not an actual flavor, we're going to venture a guess and say they either tasted like wintergreen, blueberry or engine coolant.
Hmmm... better find something to dip them in, then. How about...
A few years ago Heinz decided that the few people in the world still not eating ketchup must be objecting to the awful tomato-red color. So, they started cranking out ketchup in a horrifying green. And purple. And pink. And orange. And blue.
It worked for a while because kids tend to go apeshit over anything that makes their parents uneasy, and it was the closest they could come to eating paint without waking up in the hospital.
So what's for dessert?
Always looking to improve nature's mistakes, science realized that the fatal flaw of fruit is that it tastes like fruit. Their mission to correct this started with the "Grapple", an apple that they have modified to taste like grape (by injecting grape flavoring into it somehow).
But leave it to the Japanese to find other, more terrifying applications for such technology, which is why you can buy fruit that's been infused with a variety of other tastes, such as the white chocolate-infused strawberries pictured below. The process sucks the chocolate into the pores of the fruit, turning the guts of the berry in to a pinkish-white, stringy, chocolaty substance.
Pinkish-white, stringy; just like Swaim.
They also claim to have an apple infused with red wine, which means they may be on the cusp of tapping into the massively lucrative undercover alcoholic market who have been waiting all their lives for a vodka-infused banana they can bring to work.
So what do we serve all of this on? How about...
That baby is gonna be plastered.
Have you ever been so hungry, so insanely famished that, after devouring your dinner, you've chomped down on the dinner plate?
Neither have we, but that doesn't mean we can't. Not anymore, anyway. Welcome to the 21st century, where the green movement has taken eating to a whole new level with the creation of edible plates.
Edible plates are made from cassava, a versatile plant which can be used to feed animals, treat malaria, diarrhea and irritable bowel syndrome and, apparently, to make cookware easier to consume.
What a great plant. It does so many good things.
Oh, and it can also cause paralysis of the legs if not processed correctly. But that's just a few less steps that will be treading on Mother Earth, right Moonbeam?
More like Casshole-ava.
Now, some of you are thinking that we already have things like taco salads where you "eat the plate" made of fried tortilla. So what's the problem?
Well, in those cases the edible bowl is sitting on another plate, the way food is meant to. This thing, on the other hand, is going to sit directly on your filthy table where, just hours earlier, your roommate just snorted cocaine and then had sex without your knowledge. Then you're going to eat it.
The plate, not your coked-up roommate.
This means you'll need another plate under this one to protect it from whatever filthy surface you're eating on. And if that plate is edible then you'll need yet another to protect that one, creating an endless stack of plates that will inevitably lead to madness.
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We aren't finished frightening you yet. Check out The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World and Yogurt Pepsi: 14 Horrifying Soft Drinks Around the World.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.8.2010) to see where else you're roommate has been having sex.