The 9 Most Terrifying Attempts to Improve Popular Foods
#4.
Funky Fries
Here is something you would think the board of directors wouldn't want to hear when you're trying to pitch a new food product:
"Simply put, they're not what a potato is supposed to be."
But you'd be wrong, because that's how H.J. Heinz decided to market Funky Fries, and somebody fucking went for it.
Sexy: Something else potatoes aren't supposed to be.
In case you're the type of square cat that needs to be told, Funky Fries are french fries that come in a variety of flavors like chocolate, cinnamon, sour cream and blue. Yes, blue. As that's not an actual flavor, we're going to venture a guess and say they either tasted like wintergreen, blueberry or engine coolant.
Hmmm... better find something to dip them in, then. How about...
#3.
Colored Ketchup
A few years ago Heinz decided that the few people in the world still not eating ketchup must be objecting to the awful tomato-red color. So, they started cranking out ketchup in a horrifying green. And purple. And pink. And orange. And blue.
Appetizing.
It worked for a while because kids tend to go apeshit over anything that makes their parents uneasy, and it was the closest they could come to eating paint without waking up in the hospital.
So what's for dessert?
#2.
Infused Fruit
Always looking to improve nature's mistakes, science realized that the fatal flaw of fruit is that it tastes like fruit. Their mission to correct this started with the "Grapple", an apple that they have modified to taste like grape (by injecting grape flavoring into it somehow).
But leave it to the Japanese to find other, more terrifying applications for such technology, which is why you can buy fruit that's been infused with a variety of other tastes, such as the white chocolate-infused strawberries pictured below. The process sucks the chocolate into the pores of the fruit, turning the guts of the berry in to a pinkish-white, stringy, chocolaty substance.
Pinkish-white, stringy; just like Swaim.
They also claim to have an apple infused with red wine, which means they may be on the cusp of tapping into the massively lucrative undercover alcoholic market who have been waiting all their lives for a vodka-infused banana they can bring to work.
That baby is gonna be plastered.
#1.
Edible Plates
Have you ever been so hungry, so insanely famished that, after devouring your dinner, you've chomped down on the dinner plate?
Neither have we, but that doesn't mean we can't. Not anymore, anyway. Welcome to the 21st century, where the green movement has taken eating to a whole new level with the creation of edible plates.
Edible plates are made from cassava, a versatile plant which can be used to feed animals, treat malaria, diarrhea and irritable bowel syndrome and, apparently, to make cookware easier to consume.
What a great plant. It does so many good things.
Oh, and it can also cause paralysis of the legs if not processed correctly. But that's just a few less steps that will be treading on Mother Earth, right Moonbeam?
More like Casshole-ava.
Now, some of you are thinking that we already have things like taco salads where you "eat the plate" made of fried tortilla. So what's the problem?
Well, in those cases the edible bowl is sitting on another plate, the way food is meant to. This thing, on the other hand, is going to sit directly on your filthy table where, just hours earlier, your roommate just snorted cocaine and then had sex without your knowledge. Then you're going to eat it.
The plate, not your coked-up roommate.
This means you'll need another plate under this one to protect it from whatever filthy surface you're eating on. And if that plate is edible then you'll need yet another to protect that one, creating an endless stack of plates that will inevitably lead to madness.
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We aren't finished frightening you yet. Check out The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World and Yogurt Pepsi: 14 Horrifying Soft Drinks Around the World.
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Okay ever one does understand that all there ketchup is chock full of food coloring right? Unnatural bizzarre red versus unnatural bizzare green does not seem odd to me (as tomatos taste just fine to me from green to red to yellow to orange).
ReplyI don't see how pancake mix in a squirting can is much worse than reddi-whip.
ReplyI actually bought that one once and it tasted kind of fishy because they use fish oil in it.
What's wrong with the egg loaf? It's not like a different shape can make it taste worse...
ReplyReally? Edible plates made number 1? I hardly see edible plates as that big of an issue.
ReplyYouve never seen Donald Duck go apehit in jack in the beanstalk then, cause I understand why...I understand completely.
The Egg Loaf is a good idea for most Asians sells soup with sliced boiled eggs. It takes the effort of peeling off the shell.
ReplyThe edible plate is also an excelent thing if you are a baker. It will save you from the time of having the need to bake the crust for "Tarts" and "Pies"
I can't eat my coked-up roommate? What are you, my mom?
ReplyI'm a ketchup addict. I'd brush my teeth with it if I could. I'd marry Teresa Heinz for the lifetime supply of ketchup. But that colored ketchup was disgusting! I tried it once, it was green, and my eyes just couldn't work with my tongue that it was indeed wonderful, life-affirming nectar of the gods ketchup.
ReplyAs for chicken-in-a-can, Daniel Tosh challenged a guy on YouTube to eat 6 of them in one sitting. He succeeded, but at what cost.
I actually kind of liked coloured ketchup. It was still ketchup as far as I was concerned. Trouble was, it was still ketchup, which left me wondering what the point was.
The edible plate is based on the mythical origin of pizza. It was the first edible plate.
ReplyReally so nothing to do with a trencher was which a piece of bread, cut into a square shape by a carver, and used as a plate, upon which the food could be placed before being eaten
I loved colored ketchup. Meatloaf became a real work of art.
ReplyI remember colored ketchup. I remember when I squeezed a whole bunch in my mouth and my mother slapped me for eating paint. Good times, good times.
ReplyThe spray batter was made fun of on Worlds Dumbest once. XD The whole chicken in a can is pretty nasty to deal with. I used two of those things for some chicken and noodles. The stuff is disgusting to work with, but if you make sure to cook it after taking it out of the can it's fine. Yeah, it should be pre-cooked, but I wouldn't trust it. *yeah yeah, nobody cares*
ReplyI want to try a Grapple some day just for the f**k of it.
I wish there was still colored ketchup, I'm 23 and I still want to play with that stuff >:[ gimme purple ketchup!
Replyi feel your pain....
I've made carbonated jello before
ReplyFizzy Yogurt sounds friggin awesome!
Reply"the sounds your stomach makes in the moments after consuming the stuff and just prior to hanging a food rope in your toilet."
ReplyI just died.
"It worked for a while because kids tend to go apeshit over anything that makes their parents uneasy, and it was the closest they could come to eating paint without waking up in the hospital."
ReplyThis line killed it. I laughed so hard I cried.
I've never heard of carbonated yogurt but man I want some now.
ReplyGrāpple(ɡreɪpəl/ gray-pəl): an apple which has been raped by a gang of grape Jolly Ranchers.
ReplyWhen I was a kid I thought the coloured ketchup was the greatest thing ever. My mum would never buy it for me, though. I always thought it was just because my mum was a bitch.
ReplyI think the Egg Loaf is a good idea because Japan sells boxed lunch which mostly contains boiled eggs. Asians also sells ramen and rice porrige as street foods. Imagine the effort you will need just to peel off the shell?
Reply