Carbonated yogurt? That's the kind of shit you'd expect astronauts to eat as a last resort when supplies are low and a Donner Party mentality is starting to creep in. When General Mills introduced this heinous product, they couldn't even bring themselves to call it yogurt. Instead, it was called Go-Gurt Fizzix, which, we presume, roughly approximates the sounds your stomach makes in the moments after consuming the stuff and just prior to hanging a food rope in your toilet.
Fizzix is also the sound that pre-empts most headsplosions.
Fizzix infused yogurt with a carbonated fizz was marketed to "on the go" kids. Listen parents, if your kids are so "on the go" that their calcium needs can only be fulfilled by a pouch of yogurt with soda bubbles in it, they're probably selling meth. Sit them down with a Yoplait and a law enforcement official, and straighten that shit out.
But, by all accounts, the kids love the stuff and, surprisingly, the carbonated yogurt contains roughly the same nutritional benefits as the old boring plastic container stuff. We believe this is the latest in the long line of cultural abominations meant to make everyone over 15 feel old.
Damn kids, with their Hannah Montana and their carbonated yogurt.
So what's for lunch?
6A Whole Chicken... in a Can
Sure, you could head down to the supermarket, pick up a whole chicken, throw it in the oven for a couple of hours and enjoy a delightful meal. If you're lazy, you can probably even find that whole chicken fully cooked and ready to eat. But where do you turn when you want the obnoxious carving duties that come with a whole chicken, only coupled with the very real threat of salmonella poisoning? Whole Chicken in a Can, that's where.
That was originally the slogan, but it doesn't fit on the can.
While this frightening delicacy doesn't come with giblets, the makers do encourage you to scoop out the mucus discharge it's stored in to make a "delicious" gravy. We're afraid that gravy-slash-afterbirth is pictured below.
Congealed? Yes. Sentient and/or evil? Possibly. Delicious? No.
All right, maybe we should strike "whole chicken" from the list of foods that should be canned. Maybe we can substitute a...