Remember the days when cheeseburgers didn't come in cans and hardboiled eggs weren't available in a handy, easy-to-slice log?
You probably do, and in fact probably thought you were still living in those days right now. But don't worry! The future of food is here. The horrible, horrible future.
So now you can enjoy foods like...
Let's start with breakfast, and with some nice elongated freak eggs. OK, what kind of animal is dropping loaf-shaped eggs? Snakes?
We don't think so. That means some Japanese company (don't act up, you KNOW they're Japanese) boiled a bunch of eggs, built elaborate machines to separate the yolks from the whites, and then built another machine to combine those yolks and whites into a goddamned egg loaf.
Then again, Japan is kind of a weird place.
That's a best case scenario. We can't guarantee there are actual eggs involved, but there are definitely machines involved. Photographic evidence is below.
This product isn't generally available stateside, since Western customers tend to dislike food served with unadulterated horror. It's our loss; just think about all those times you had a recipe that called for eight chicken's worth of boiled egg slices.
When a ton of fucking egg slices are called for, why not just invent a machine to take the shell off of eggs? That probably already exists. Then you could just go into business selling pre-shelled hard boiled eggs or something. Why's it gotta be a loaf, Japan? Tell us. TELL US DAMN YOU!!
8Sprayable Pancake Batter
So you've got your instant tube of unnatural eggs, but what to eat with it? Thanks to the miracle of instant pancake mix, enjoying a big stack of flap jacks has never been easier. Just open the contents of the package, add water, stir like your very life depends on it and just like that, you have a bunch of batter ready for the cooking. But this entry is not about that.
No, sometimes you're in a rush and, as easy as instant pancake mix has made things, you still don't have time to slave over a hot stove hooking up a tasty breakfast. To address this issue, at some point, somebody invented microwavable pancakes. But we're not here to talk about that, either.
Nor will we talk about the miracle of microwaveable, pancake-wrapped sausage.
No, we're here to talk about Sprayable Pancake Batter. Otherwise known as "Organic Batter Blaster," which would be a perfect name if food products acted in porn, this product tackles the time shortage issue by eliminating the already pretty damn easy preparation process.
"I can't believe what a fool I once was."
This product actually claims to be for "people who traditionally skip breakfast because they don't have time to make pancakes." Who the fuck is pounding nothing but pancakes for breakfast or, more tragically, going hungry because they can't? Nobody has time for pancakes before work, that's why God made granola bars and pseudoephedrine.
Rounding out our breakfast...