The Top 25 Articles of 2009

#12. Luke McKinney's 'Tattoo Body Map: What Your Bad Decision Says About You'

Tattoos are reverse time machines: with time travel you can send a warning back to your younger self, with tattoos you send a mistake forward to your older self.

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#11. Joe Russo's '15 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped'

Yeah, another one. You people apparently can't get enough of this shit. Probably helps that the images seem to be getting more insane as he goes along.

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#10. Ned Resnikoff and Peter Hildebrand's '8 Racist Words You Use Every Day'

Have you ever worried that, no matter how hard you try, you'll just never be racist enough? Well, you're in luck. As it turns out, you've been unconsciously using racial slurs your entire life! Slurs like...

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#9. C. Coville's '5 Myths That People Don't Realize Are Admitted Hoaxes'

It's no surprise that the world gets taken in by hoaxers and con men. They're really good at what they do and most of us are bored enough to believe anything as long as it takes our mind off the cubicle for a while.

And even when the hoaxers get accused of fakery, we may still take their side. After all, those negative doubting types try to shoot down everything! Who cares what they say! What is harder to explain, though, is the times when the perpetrators of a hoax come out themselves and confess to the fakery... and people still go right on believing.

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#8. David Dietle's '7 Man-Made Substances that Laugh in the Face of Physics'

The universe is full of weird substances like liquid metal and whatever preservative keeps Larry King alive. But mankind isn't happy to accept the weirdness of nature when we can create our own abominations of science that, due to the miracle of technology, spit in nature's face and call it retarded.

That's why we came up with...

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#7. Matthew Hayden's '6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations'

There seem to be two kinds of people in the world: those who don't understand cats, and those who think cats are kind of douchebags.

Unfortunately for cat lovers, science has kind of come down on the side of that second group. Research has revealed that a lot of the quirky and even cute things your kitty does are actually signs that your cat is kind of a dick.

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#6. Nathan Birch's '6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain'


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#5. Christian Madera's '7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital'

You've walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you've checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it's all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.


But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice ("wear a wet t-shirt to bed!") you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation.

Think we're kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to...

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#4. Kathy Benjamin's '7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)'

What do you suppose are the most well-kept secrets in the world? The launch codes for the American nuclear arsenal? The location of Jimmy Hoffa's bones?

Not even close. Below are secrets that only two people on planet Earth know. Sometimes they have very good reasons to keep these secrets so fiercely. Other times, not so much.

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#3. Ian Fortey's '12 "Sexy" Ads That Will Give You Nightmares'

Sex sells, but that doesn't mean that selling things using sex is easy. You figure a little cleavage can go a long way to sell cars or beer, but in the wrong hands a sexy ad can turn into the stuff nightmares are made of.

Not even sexy nightmares, either.

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#2. Robert Evans's '7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal'

Drugs, artillery emplacements, napalm, prostitution - sometimes it seems like the best things in life are illegal. For some reason, the fascists who control this country don't believe in your God given right to smoke meth and man a 155-millimeter Howitzer.

Luckily for us, there are a lot of awesome things out there that Uncle Sam amazingly hasn't taken away from us yet. Read this article, and then go and pick up one of everything while you still can!

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#1. Jay Thomas's '6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)'

The only thing more awesome than an urban legend turning out to be true is if that same legend involves some sort of nefarious sex or groin related hilarity.

Luckily, all of these qualify.

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