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6 Insanely Awesome Things The 1900s Thought We'd Have by Now

#3.
Physical Fitness: We Will Be Breeding Super Children

What They Predicted:

1900s American Man assumed that, by this time, we'd be teaching gymnastics and starting weight training for babies. Babies. Honestly: They looked at a babies, with their tiny hands and soft skin and eyes full of wonder and thought, "Man, what a pussy." These horse-massacring bastards were not fucking around: They imagined gymnastics starting in the nursery, "where all toys and games will be designed to strengthen the muscles." Maybe they're just trying to breed cheap, reliable labor to make up for all the horses they planned on murdering.

Or maybe they just wanted our children to be the strongest, toughest, most Spartanest badasses this side of Planet America.

What We Have Instead:

Obesity is one of the biggest killers in America and babies are at an all time fat, a trend that doesn't seem to be reversing anytime soon. In fact, our bodies are actually evolving to fight how flabby and lazy we are. It's called Brown Fat, and the body produces it naturally (now more than ever,) in an effort to burn off the fat that we refuse to burn off ourselves. Think about that. We got so fat that our bodies surrendered. Or, as the esteemed Professor of Fatness, Michael Swaim, so eloquently put it last year: "WE'RE SUCH FATASSES THAT OUR BODIES ARE EVOLVING TO COMPENSATE FOR IT." Can you fathom that? Evolution takes thousands and thousands of years, but it's still not nearly as sluggish and lazy as we are.

But hell, "Toys and games designed to strengthen muscles?" To be fair, we've just been training our children with the skills that will be necessary to survive in our future; a future that is more about the mind than the biceps. Twenty minutes of Scrabulous is more intellectually stimulating than an hour of riding a penny farthing or practicing pugilism. While we can't predict exactly what mankind will need in the future, it is almost definitely more beneficial for a child to know how to work computers than it is for him to know how to till the soil and work the land at this point. Still, as far as raising an army of super strong master babies goes, we're falling majorly short (unless Pokemon-catching is somehow good for your cardio). Nursery Gymnastics? Jesus, we're too busy coming up with new and innovative ways to deep fry soda.

Oh, and just so you don't think it's just our lazy, shitty, selfish babies disappointing our ancestors, there is one more physical fitness prediction they had for us:

"A man or woman unable to walk ten miles at a stretch will be regarded as a weakling."

We don't want to make any assumptions here: Maybe you're a very active and fit person-about-town. Maybe you walked ten miles just this morning. Maybe you meet that criteria easily. On the other hand, you're spending the day sitting in front of your computer reading an article on Cracked about how fat you are...

(So fat.)

#2.
Education: A Brilliant and Generous Future

What They Predicted:

Even in the 1900s - when they were stuffing children down the toilet to clear out clogs - they still thought we'd be sending poor kids around the world on vacation by now. They believed university education would be free to everyone, and that poor students would be given free board, clothing, books, and during vacation time "poor children will be taken on trips to various parts of the world." Man, for a generation of people who thought horses were an affront to God and hated babies for being weaklings, folks in 1900s seem to really care about their poor people. They even went so far as to predict that they'd be given free dentistry and eyeglasses, and when was the last time you brushed a homeless guy's teeth? Never? Typical '00s me-first mentality.

What We Have Instead:

Sure, we have some financial assistance programs for low income families, but that's a far cry from a free university education to everyone. On the contrary, education costs are rising each and every year and students that do go to college graduate directly into an assload of debt.

Turn-of-the-century man was also sure we'd be teaching "etiquette and housecleaning" regularly, which is sort of laughable when you realize that the internet and reality TV have long since viciously murdered etiquette, fucked its corpse, and didn't even say "thank you" after.

#1.
Personal Transportation; Awesome, Yet Goatshit Crazy

What They Predicted: (#1)

What We Have Instead:

There's only one person in this image that reminds us of modern transportation, and it's the idiot on the ground, eating shit and scrambling after his stupid hat.

Look at how people of the past pictured a busy street - all those other, well-dressed people gliding with rocket-powered skates on a road paved with what looks like solid gold? Those people would be rage-stabbed by a frustrated office-worker twenty minutes late for a project report in today's traffic.

What They Predicted: (#2)

Like everybody else, turn-of-the-century man was absolutely certain we'd all be flying by now. They didn't imagine flying cars or jetpacks or anything implausible like that - they just thought bi-planes (before we'd even officially made the first flight!) and balloons would be enough to keep modern man airborne constantly. Obviously we don't all have jetpacks or even measly personal hovercrafts, so obviously all of human technological achievement is a huge fucking letdown. Even in the most simple of transportation matters we have disappointed them tremendously. Take their version of a future drive-thru:

Look at that! They fully expected that modern man would have made such great strides in awesomology that a "drive-thru" was a place you'd just swoop by to pick up your Flyin' Wine without even slowing down. Not only do we have bullshit open container laws for our pathetically ground-based vehicles, but we as a people are also nowhere near that level of moustachioed.

What We Have Instead:

Slow, earthbound food distributors. And we're too retarded to even work those right. Good job, society; just ram that Taco Bell until burritos pop out. You're a champ.

What They Predicted: (#3)

Shut up. Who cares? Look at that. Look at that fucking picture. Really look at it. That is an uncharacteristically non-murdered horse walking on the water. That is where our ancestors thought we'd be right now, and all we're saying is why the fuck aren't we?! Look at their projected date on that painting: 2000. 9 years ago our ancestors thought we'd just be straight chilling on water, hanging out with mad balloon bitches and talkin' about mustaches or whatever all fucking day.

This gets distinction because, for the most part, the predictions made by the past were boring and, like, totally hard to do. Practical, sure, but boring. But transportation? Hell, look at that picture. Do you know what this means? Turn-of-the-century man has given us carte blanche on retarded transportation innovations. These are the guys who helped build and shape this country; salt of the earth folks who were up at dawn, plowing the land and hammering steel into locomotives, and they are totally okay with us blowing billions of dollars and countless hours of manpower inventing a bunch of stupid crap just to make travelling more hilarious. They gave us the complete greenlight to blow all of our resources building water wheels and foot-boats, or whatever the hell that stuff is. Every single moment you spend not strapping mini rocket-bikes to a camel's feet and riding it around the park is like spitting in the face of history .

What We Have Instead:

We want to stress right now that the only retarded transportation innovation that's reached the mainstream and is actually in use right now is the Segway. The fucking Segway.

Our ancestors would be having seizures from all the disappointment; their moustaches curling with rage, barely able to stab a horse through the tears in their eyes.

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For more badass predictions that never came to fruition, check out The 6 Best 2012 Apocalypse Theories (Are All Bullshit) and 2001 to Timecop: 8 Movie Futures Already Proven Wrong.

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