|
We expect a certain level of medical farfetchery on television, like how Dr. House manages to keep the medical board from taking his license and setting it on fire. But this lack of realism doesn't really hurt anything other than our intelligence, unlike these Hollywood medical myths, which could hurt you to death: #6.
CPR Works When Nothing Else Will
As Seen On: The Abyss, House, ER, Baywatch, Grey's Anatomy, Chicago Hope According to Hollywood: Sometimes doctors have to get up close and personal to keep death from stealing away their patients before they have a chance to pay their medical bills. By straddling the patient, giving mouth-to-mouth and pounding on their chest like Alex Van Halen, a doctor can bring someone back from the brink of oblivion, coughing and sputtering but alive and well.
The Wrongness: We're not saying you should never perform CPR in real life--CPR works, sort of, by oxygenating the system and occasionally knocking the heart back in rhythm. However, there's not a whole lot it can do for someone who has already stopped being alive. Also, CPR is nowhere near as sexilicious as television and the movies make it out to be. A properly performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation usually ends up cracking the patient's ribcage, which doesn't fit so well with a sweeping orchestral soundtrack. And the success rate is staggeringly low, something like two to four percent. In fact, most websites about manual resuscitation will tell you straight out that it almost never works.
Certain death sounds pretty good when the other option is a two to four percent chance of living through some stranger busting your rib cage and slobbering down your throat. On a related note... #5.
Defibrillators Can Bring You Back To Life
As Seen On: Every medical show in existence According to Hollywood: The defibrillator apparently allows us to bring anyone whose heart has stopped back from the dead, provided we have at least 75 percent of their remains intact.
With this wonderful piece of modern medical technology, we are able to laugh in the face of death, then spit in it, make obscene phone calls to his wife three in the morning, steal his newspaper and shit on his porch. With science. The Wrongness: Have you ever wondered why they call it a defibrillator instead of a de-deather or de-lawsofnaturer? That's because defibrillators don't work that way; they can't bring people back to life. They are a little like Sean Connery: suave and sexy in movies, but pretty unimpressive in real life (also very old and hairy).
Basically, what the defib machines can do is help a patient regain a regular heart rhythm when they go into cardiac arrest, which it does by stopping their heart. Hopefully, it restarts with a normal rhythm. If the patient is already flat-lining, meaning their heart has already stopped beating, using the defibrillator to stop it some more will do about as much good as removing a malignant brain tumor with a shotgun blast.
Imagine your heart is a dude carrying a few heavy boxes, which in this metaphor contain your organs. If he drops them, you die. When you have a heart attack this imaginary man loses his balance and starts swaying dangerously. A defibrillator is the guy that runs over and helps your heart stand up straight, effectively saving your life. What the defibrillator won't do is gather your heart up off the ground if it has already fallen and dropped its boxes, because quite frankly he's late for work as it is. #4.
Gun Shots to the Shoulder or Leg are Flesh Wounds
As Seen On: Die Hard, Rambo, Every Action Movie Ever According to Hollywood: In the movies and on television, taking a bullet in the arm or the leg just results in you bleeding a bit and limping around with gritted teeth, looking like a total badass. In fact, we're curious why movie cops don't just try slapping gunfire out of the air, seeing as how the subsequent damage is so inconsequential.
The Wrongness: When it comes to bullets and your body, think less "make a tourniquet out of my headband and gut a few dozen more terrorists" and more "spend thousands of dollars on painful nerve grafts." For instance, a study done on 58 patients with gunshot wounds to the shoulder found that four months after the initial injury, 51 of them were suffering from persistent pain due to vascular damage and about half ended up with partial or complete loss of mobility in their arm, thus reducing their ability to punch terrorists by 50 percent.
The leg isn't much better. Due to the tightly packed arterial highway going through most of your body north of the kneecap, any penetrating round in that general area is likely to sever something really important. Without immediate medical attention, shooting someone in the leg can cause more blood loss than tossing a hemophiliac orphan through a plate glass window.
Honestly, if you really have to get shot either to satisfy a bet or cap off a homerun of a job interview, the best place to get hit seems to be the ass. With its layers of fat and lack of any major arteries or nerve clusters, a bullet to the cheeks is your best bet to avoid permanent damage apart from avoiding gunfire altogether. |
6 Laws That Were Great On Paper (And Insane Everywhere Else)
7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)
The 7 Most Irritating Characters From Otherwise Great Movies
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies)
Sep 8th: A Day In Cracked History
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies)
7 Classic Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories
5 Annoying Trends That Make Every Movie Look the Same
The 6 Creepiest Things Ever Slipped Into Children's Cartoons
Copyright © 2005 – 2010 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
I was told that if someone is having a seizure you should cram some dogs**t in their mouth.
That bullet in Roosevelt descended into a third testicle because he TOLD IT TO.
so why isn't the thing about not rubbing defibulators on here? unless you want to kill everyone around you, dont rub them together.
Okay this article isn't even worth reading because something everyone learns in a CPR class is that you only do CPR on DEAD people, because CPR is used to keep the body in good enough shape to be reanimated. It is not a life saving procedure, it's just there to keep the blood pumping until someone jump starts your heart via a shock to the chest.
CPR is for people without a pulse. The only time CPR saves a life is when the heart is still going, but not properly, such as in ventricular fibrillation. Defibrillation isn't a jump start, it's a giant smack in the face to the heart. Asystole = death, you're not bringing them back. Hamster, good luck getting a bullet to travel upstream through an artery, or through the veins. To the author of the article, there are major veins and nerves going through the ass. You don't want to get shot there.
Also...Lynny, are you a necromancer? Because how the hell do you suggest we reanimate a corpse??!?!?
havnt u guys played diablo II WASTE ALOT OF MANA AND THEY WILL COME!
reanimate? i laughed hard. i'm totally trying that at the next funeral i go to.
To be fair, if the bullet went into an artery, it can dislodge and travel up into the lungs. That COULD be a justification for trying to get it out, but every time movies are accurate to real life, god kills a catgirl.
Um, no. The blood would push it into continually smaller blood vessels like the arteriols until it got stuck.
After reading through these comments, I've come to the conclusion that this information needs to be taught in schools. Otherwise, some would-be hero is gonna kill me someday by trying to save me. It's amazing how many people will argue for their false beliefs, even when confronted with direct evidence to the contrary.
I remember in MIDDLE SCHOOL HEALTH CLASS they told us not to give someone having a seizure something to bite on. They also told us the thing about CPR.
Oh, and this was a PUBLIC school.
I REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE DIDN'T SCREAM TO MAKE A POINT. And whoopdy doo if your school taught you that, we're so proud, maybe you can use that knowledge to educate the rest of America's schools that don't teach it that he was talking about?
The myth about removing the bullet comes from a time when bullets were made of lead, and thus leaving them in for any length of time could result in lead poisoning and kill you more easily than the wound itself. In modern times with iron/steel or other metal bullets, this isn't a concern, so leaving the bullet in is not a big deal anymore unless it's in a location where if it moves wrong-say, while you're running for your life or whatever-it can cut an artery or do something else that can kill you, but of course you want to have it taken out by someone who knows what the hell they're doing.
They're still made with lead. Some are jacketed with other metals to prevent soft lead fouling the barrel, but bullets still contain lead.
You are absolutely, one hundred percent SUPPOSED to put something hard in someone's mouth if they are seizing. I have a friend (well more like a creepy stalker) who is epileptic and you have to put something in their mouths. It's not to prevent them from swallowing their tongue. It's to prevent them from BITING IT OFF. Their is a vein in your tongue that can cause you to bleed to death in SECONDS if it is punctured.
no he's saying if the epileptic's mouth is already shut, it is a very bad idea to try and open it again simply to put something in there. if their mouth is already closed, it is too late to do anything about it
It's arterial bleeding that's dangerous. There's less danger from venous bleeding... MandiBass, your belief that 'Their is a vein in your tongue that can cause you to bleed to death in SECONDS if it is punctured' is incorrect.
Back to Anatomy Class for you.
The worst that would happen in that scenario would be choking to death on the blood. It's a lingual vein, not the carotid artery.
Hopefully you're nowhere near this "friend" if they start to seize.
Jesus Christ.
First of all, I'm an epileptic. The reason you don't put an object in a seizing persons mouth is for a couple reasons- first off for the reason in the article (you do not want to mess with a clenching jaw, you can get stitches that way), second- if you put something hard in a seizing persons mouth it can *break their teeth* when they clench, and third, it can either cause what you put in their mouth to break and cause choking or block their ability to drain any vomit, etc . When a person is seizing your best bet is to clear the area around them of any sharp objects, put something soft under their head, and put them in the recovery(on their side) position and note if the seizure lasts longer than 5 minutes(this will be important to tell the EMTs).
MandiBass, you're a moron, and you're going to kill your friend. Even severing your tongue completely cannot kill you in "SECONDS".
I'm the mother and the foster mother of two children with epilepsy. My sister had it as well.
Never put anything in an epileptic's mouth. You can damage their mouth. You can damage your hand. You can actually cause them to choke on their own teeth or pieces of whatever you've put in their mouth. You are giving deadly advice. There is no vein in your tongue that can cause that; in fact there's not that many blood vessels in your entire body that can cause you to bleed to death in SECONDS if punctured. (Your aorta can - that giant artery coming directly out of your heart. But even your femoral artery is going to give you more than a couple SECONDS.)
Jesus retard, stop spreading this nonsense around. Someone may actually believe you.
.
The one about the tourniquet is wrong. There are plenty of times in real life per-hospital emergency situations that we use tourniquets, (We being professional ambulance jockeys, or EMTs) I personally have put on 6 tourniquets on patients. Also its a myth that tourniquets inevitably result in loss of limb or life if you put them on(the 'tourniquets' that do this aren't tourniquets they are technically a way to AMPUTATE). Modern tourniquets can be put on and left on with next to no ill-effects for 4+ hours. They are about 2-3 inches wide as to not cut off all blood flow and are a valuable tool in pre-hospital emergency care.
I'm in the Army and we're encouraged to put on tourniquets if we're in a firefight or in some other form of imminent danger. Between the risk of losing a limb and losing the person's life due to arterial bleeding, we're taught to risk the limb. Plus, we're taught the same thing you said, that you can keep it on for a few hours and still save the limb.
Well, people usually use them wrong, like in snakebites. Which..makes things worse.
You (Army guy) and the article are both right: I just certified as a First Aider with St John's Ambulance, and what we were told was only qualified EMTs in emergency situations, or soldiers on the battlefield are supposed to use tourniquets anymore.
Anyone else should just put pressure on the wound. If it's spurting we were told to press down on the artery, but that was it.
Good thing everybody has the tools and skills you do....
Everybody.
so defib are really just the medical equivalent of the old "have you tried turning it off and on again?" tech support line?
Sort of? A defibrilator works if your heart is no longer beating correctly, but there is still some electrical signal. So if your heart's working fine, it could kill you, and if your heart has no electrical current at all, it won't help. It just gives a boost to the weak electricity in a failing heart.
That's kind of right. However, many modern defibrillators (At least the ones I trained on) are designed with failsafes to make sure that they can't be used on someone who doesn't need them/
What about the thing where in action movies, if someone gets stabbed, they pull the knife out, etc etc? if you get empailed, you're meant to leave it in (at least til you get to a doctor), because taking it out is likely to cause more damage, and keeping it in plugs the wound...
Actually, that one isn't as bad. I suffered a 5 inch gash across my belly, a stab into my ribcage on the right side, and a 2 inch gash across the back of my right thigh. I was capable of fighting the guy off me for a bit, but afterwards I was in a pretty rough state. You can fight on, but for a small amount of time, and it's not like you can tear off part of your shirt, wrap it up, and keep hobbling on. You're gonna need some serious medical attention.
f**king hell man how are you still alive? D:
You're awesome.
He's a bear.
Would you happen to be Teddy Roosevelt in your spare time?
He's the bear version of Teddy rosevelt
The take out the bullet part is interesting. i thought the problem with them is they bring in small parts of clothing which can cause infection... I'll have a character in my novel shot, and i wonder if the bullet should be taken out or kept where it is. Setting is early 19th century.
You should write a less bland and pretentious novel. Problem solved.
leave it in, and get to a doctor. research antibiotics used back then, and take some. you're right, blood poisoning is a real risk from gun shot wounds, but going in after a bullet is not the right thing to do.
It is clothing, dust and other foreign matter that cause infection. Honey's a natural antibiotic. It was known as useful to some people in the past. Maggots were also used in the 18th century and by a few in the 19th. They only consume dead tissue and leave the living tissue alone.
Why not have the bullet go in uncovered skin?
Since bullets were made of lead back then it would be necessary to take it out to prevent lead poisoning.
Im a Registered Paramedic and for the most part, this article is accurate. Properly Performed CPR will NOT bring someone back to life, it serves to keep the brain from dying somewhat. a Defib only works if the heart is still beating. Once the heart has stopped, its not going to start again. Swallow a Tongue? what kind of an idiot came up with that? although the apple laptop is a nice touch. :P
Applying a tourniquet is actually one of the best things you can do to a wound that has not stopped bleeding with direct pressure. we are taught that if direct pressure does not stop the bleeding within 4 minutes its time for a tourniquet. Tissue damage does not begin for almost 4 hours, is reversible for nearly 14 hours, and missing an arm or a leg but being alive is a hell of a lot better than being dead.
and removing a bullet is only done in the ER or trauma center. And its to get it out to prevent infection. the BULLET may be sterile, but the hole it caused sure as hell isnt.
so except for #2 this is accurate.
my grandfather had been dead for 7 minutes and was resuscitated with CPR.
obviously 7 minutes without oxygen to the brain didn't exactly leave him the way he was, but he lived another couple of years, not on life support, remembering who we were, etc.
But still, the tourniquet should be a last resort--There are probblems involved other than cell death and blood loss. If a tourniquet is on for too long, the taking it off might very well kill the person. Toxins build up in the tourniquet'd part of the body and are released into the bloodstream when you take the tourniquet off.
A tourniquet is indeed what should be applied as a final resort. Following after not direct pressure but elevation,cryogenic therapy, pressure dressings,and pressure points.
Unless they have a partial or complete amputation in which case I would just use a tourniquet from the get go. New studies out of the battlefield show that the loss in blood flow to limbs from a tourniquet is not as harmful as we used to think. If they are less than an hour from the hospital, there is very little reason not to use a tourniquet. If I had a suicide patient who tried to cut his wrists (the right way) I might slap one on two because it's not going to be easy to stop that bleeding.
Information pertaining to applying a tourniquet changes over the years with new studies. Some say it's good, some say it's bad. Newer reports say that the loss of blood to the limbs is not as bad as the release of lactic acid that builds up in the blood's absence. So if you put on a tourniquet, do not remove it until the PT is in an appropriate facility. The decision is best left to the medic with experience in the field.
What? I was expecting Number 1 to be "he's choking to death! Let's punch a hole in his throat with a pen!" Anyway, funniest article in months.
i LOVE that one. Hey, who has a toothpick?
A tracheonomy is actually a common-and in many cases effective-method. If there is something blocking the airway, such as swelling of the upper part of the throat or a blockage of food or whatever, the pen serves as a hollow tube that they can get air through by bypassing the blockage. It should only be performed by professionals though.
This article is correct about:
*the fact that you cannot swallow your own tongue
*the fact that sticking something in an epileptic's mouth is a bad idea
HOWEVER, it is very possible to choke on your own tongue, and thus, you need to flip someone having a seizure to their stomach to use gravity to prevent the tongue folding back and blocking the airway. While it is impossible for the tongue to move down the throat, blocking it is still a big issue.
Actually, that is incorrect. As an epileptic myself, I know that what you are supposed to do is turn them on their side so they don't choke from all the stuff you spit up. It has saved my life.
I helped a guy having an epileptic fit by forcing him into the recovery position (on his side) he puked afterwards and at least didn't choke on it. Although if i had something I would have probably forced it in his mouth. Good to know for the future that you're not supposed to do that.
Great article.
Yeah, putting something in the mouth just increases the chances of choking for the seizing person. You just let them finish, protecting them the best you can, before applying rescue measures.
Chunks of ferret....loooool.
It's funny how every Cracked reader seems to change occupation in between reading each article, so that they always end up being irrefutable field experts in whatever topic is at hand.
Best observation ever.
agreed. I am a certified commentologist/field medic/video game reviewer/bear handler, so I would know.
That came out as sounding pretty smug, didn't it?
I'm the president. Of the international bieng me socity, but still, the President. Next article I'll probably be a scientist
What a coincidence, I'm a profession choice researcher.
'agreed. I am a certified commentologist/field medic/video game reviewer/bear handler, so I would know.
That came out as sounding pretty smug, didn't it?
mtrix534'
Nah. Not a bit. ;-p
I'm a ferret juggler.
Commonsensologist here.
Certified bulls**tter.
Hentron, the tourniquet is a good idea in most cases, I agree. It'll stop the blood from flowing, but the author is right too. It can cause pretty severe damage, if you leave it on and the circulation is cut off for an extended period of time. You're both right.
I took a wilderness survival medical course for a couple months...not exactly a Ph.D but I'm not clueless, either.
And the article was funny. But I DO have a problem with your very last part, about Roosevelt. The bullet could not have descended into a third testicle, it's physically impossible...
because he already had 4 testicles at the time. Make it the fifth ball, and you'll be set.
YES.
LOL this was a good one. It managed to be funny but also life-savingly helpful and informative. Plus I love how all the dudes at Cracked are IN LOVE with Teddy Roosevelt, haha. One of my all-time favorite running jokes.
Good stuff, but, number 2 is wrong, however. I am currently taking the Army combat Lifesavers Course. The tourniquet it the first and often only thing you do when blood is spurting. They have been able to save a limb after 20 hours with a tourniquet on (but 8 hours is better). Think about it, ever sleep on your arm all night long? It didn't fall off.
It's my understanding that this might be necessary if help won't be arriving for a while (for instance in wilderness conditions, of if you're in a middle of a war). But EMTs are told to never use a tourniquet, and instead continually apply bandages and pressure and get the patient to a hospital.
Paramedic here, Hentron is 100% correct. Trauma classes are now saying that the tourniquet is safe, and they use them constantly in Iraq. There have been no reported cases at all of someone dying because a tourniquet was used to control bleeding. Direct pressure is great for minor bleeding, but for something with a lot of arterial bleeding or a partial amputation, tourniquets are your best bet.
I did the Canadian version of that course, and used it in afghan. There is a sequence to follow, but yes, stopping severe bleeds is pri 1. Gauze, tourniquet 1, tourniquet 2 and if it's still flowing, quikclot.
I'm also a paramedic. Most states are changing or have already changed the protocols so that a tourniquet is applied rather quickly for uncontrollable bleeding.