The 7 Ballsiest Ways Anyone Ever Quit Their Job
#3.
In Front of an Audience
If you're going to quit, you might as well do it in front of a bunch of people so somebody can describe you in detail to the police. The below Moe's manager decided to dance to "Ice Ice Baby," a song that somehow expressed his desire to pursue better employment with lyrics like, "the girls were hot wearing less than bikinis," and "wax a chump like a candle."
It actually seems to be sort of entertaining until he rips open his shirt, at which point everyone in the dining room gets a little uncomfortable.
But the best part is, he doesn't clock out until afterward, which means he actually got paid for three minutes of poorly lip-syncing along with a bad song.
Then we have Inetta "The Mood Setta" Hinton, a DJ for an R&B and hip-hop station in Louisiana, who had an on-air meltdown, letting everyone know how much she hated her job. Probably because 16-year olds that sweep up popcorn and used condoms at the movie theater get paid more than she did. So she made a special announcement shitting on all her coworkers before literally declaring "I quit this bitch" and leaving the station, presumably to pursue the exciting career opportunities that await people unable to handle the demands of radio DJ-ing.
#2.
With Twitter
Twitter is great for getting your ass fired, but it's also an effective method of offering up a resignation letter in 140 characters or less. Just ask Paula Abdul, who bailed on American Idol, the first televised plague in human history, via a post on her Twitter account, which in keeping with both Paula and American Idol is the most professional thing to do, ever.
Even MC Skat Kat would've at least called.
But hands down the best Twitter quitter is probably Heidi Lunde, who was working for a Norwegian news site where she was told that she'd be responsible for all the user-generated content coming to the site, pretty much meaning she'd have to sort her way through a huge pile of bullshit every single day to find something worth publishing.
So Heidi tweeted she'd just cleaned out her desk and was ready for new challenges, which sounds pretty vague but in actuality she just meant she had moved all her things upstairs to start her new position. That's when her boss called and asked why she resigned over Twitter without telling him first.
A formal meeting was set up to discuss the incident, but her boss promptly blew it off and told Heidi that she needed to submit a formal resignation. Realizing that her job sucked and her boss was about as intelligent as a moldy pancake, she quit for real.
#1.
With a Novel
If you have access to a publisher, and the attention span to write a Fuck You that's a few million characters longer than the 140 characters allowed by Twitter. Writers have been insulting people for as long as anyone has been able to read, but some are especially adept at uppercutting their resignations into the taints of their former employers. Take Ernest Hemingway. He was trapped in a contract with a man named Horace Liverwright and wanted out of it for serious artistic reasons, namely because another publisher was offering him a shitload more money and he resented being trapped by anything less than a fire-breathing dinosaur.
"I said 'shitload,' Shitload! Didn't you hear me?!"
So Hemingway wrote his first novel The Torrents of Spring, clocking in at under 100 pages and featuring two protagonists, one that bones a young Native American woman and runs off with her into the wilderness and another that takes mescaline and hallucinates that he's the President of Mexico. In other words, he wrote a book that was completely unpublishable by the standards of the time. But he did it on purpose.
"Let's see him sell this piece of shit."
Horace promptly released Hemingway from the contract, freeing him to pursue the more favorable publishing deal and go on to write several classics of American literature, buy a house in Key West and have sex with countless women. This he also did on purpose.
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To know when it's time to quit as awesomely as these people did, check out 6 Emails You Get When Your Company Is About to Go Under. Or find out about some people who probably shouldn't have been at their job to begin with, in The 6 Most Disastrous Uses of Work Email Ever.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.5.2010) to see what happens when you try to quit Cracked (the end result is your family receiving a bullet casing and a bill).
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I swear Cracked has the best photo captions ever!
ReplyI liked the distinct lack of caption under Ashlee Simpson, though there may have originally been one but her saggy vagina swallowed it.
From the opposite side of quitting. I went to work for a company and after about two weeks I and everyone else received the usual e-mail informing us that so-and-so had retired from the company and was pursuing their dream. Unfortunately the company forgot to tell so-and-so and he got the same e-mail. That pretty well set the tone for that job endeavor.
ReplyDid Hemingway really have sex with all those women? For realsies?
ReplyHemingway was the George Clooney of his day.
I've had too many jobs where I fantasized daily about Grand Gesture Quitting. Some dignified and clever, others involving arson. What always forced me to take the dry and standard method was consideration for my coworkers. The boss and company could flying f**k themselves, but I had no beef with my fellow slaves. Abruptly flying out on a flaming fart would just make their jobs as they worked short handed.
ReplyHah! Farbs is awesome. He's also a pie thief.
Replydear cracked
Replyplease put a warning on things that are all seizure-tastic, it would be much aprecaited, because i decided to play that mario game and was a bit suprised, and by suprised i mean f**k my life. on a separate less serious, but completly retarded note, i was fired from kroger for doodling...at like 1am...when all my work was done. oh, and this is after i got written up for putting whiteout on a whiteout bottle, cuz you know, im pretty hardcore and all that. if i see my boss again i plan on having a chat with him for my amusment. somtimes now i go there and just cause shenanigans for fun because im a vindictive little f**k with newfound free time. hoooooookay idk what else to say.
-mary
ps:idk why i wrote this like a letter
pps: idk why i love comma's so much, i am the run on sentance master
ppps:i have nothing to say i just like the post-post-post-script thing
Woow, where you trying to look cool?
Huh, this is all new to me; I generally get fired from all my jobs...
ReplyI know someone who, to quit a job where they were treated like crap, went into the bathroom, locked the door, and climbed out the window... to never return again (they were a teenager at the time, so that's almost not spineless, and I thought, pretty hilarious!).
Reply"I thought the cake was quitting!" So obvious and yet it took me completely by surprise, nearly pissed my pants laughing at that one
ReplyHaha just got it thanks XD
loved this article. funny!
ReplyHappy New Year!!~~
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Its good to know the National Security Administration has a dating service... I assume the background checks are extremely thorough.
@Anariashki: Ridiculously difficult, apparently. I live near a university, but still have difficulty finding women with loose... morals.
This was a long time ago so I am not sure on the exact details but I remember quitting a job after pointing out that a certain manager obviously had it out for me and was assigning me impossible tasks to make sure I looked incompetent and got fired (this was in the food service industry). I gave several examples in front of her and the district manager, but she called BS on everything. Instead of taking a written warning I quit, because I was not going to suffer under that b***h who was trying to get me fired anyway. I left feeling like an idiot. When I came back cause I had to pick up my last paycheck, I was apologized to by the district manager who actually investigated my claims and found them to be true. While I was not invited back to the company, the b***h who was being a fuckwad was also terminated for showing bias and discrimination.....so I chalk that up to a win in my book!
ReplyGrat on your win.
@ #7: And I bet their boss was quietly playing the game for the rest of the day.
ReplyThe late UK comic & raconteur (its a thing) Willie Rushton was also a talented cartoonist. He was doing a cartoon strip for the magazine of the Liberal Party in the early 60s & in fine Liberal tradition they declined to pay him for it , so he drew one last strip in which he managed to get the characters form the shape of letters which spelt out "Fuck off".
ReplyAnd true to form the editors printed it into thousands of copies & posted it to members all over the UK without having the grace to even glance at the damn thing first.
Unfortunately, the tradition of not paying people for their work belongs to the conservatives, not the liberals.
I think that "tradition" doesn't belong to any one group... just assholes who know they can get away with it. So, let's stop playing the finger pointing game-- there are enough jerks in the world for both liberals and conservatives to share.
"Let's see him sell THIS piece of shit". hahaha. Hemingway was too badass.
ReplyI've seen some of the female managers at McDonalds. I hope she was at least a 5.
ReplyI worked at McDonald's when I was 16. My (female) manager quit her job by working a close (when you clean up after the customers leave) topless, allowing me to see her white, gleaming breasts all night long. I quit soon after she did, since working at McD was only going downhill from that point.
Replyi told my boss at a call center my reason for being an hour late was "i flipped a coin, it came up tails, so i put the gun away and came into work for another shift."
ReplyA friend of mine was told he couldn't leave, because they wanted him to serve out his contract. His wife had just left him, so he didn't feel like sticking around. He used a site grabber, put it on a porn listing site and programmed it to go 6 links deep, so their sever got loaded with the worst kind of porn imaginable. This was in Scotland where at the time porn was officially still illegal.
ReplyThey had no problem letting him go after that. In fact, he was escorted off the premises.
Wow, they wouldn't let him quit? Apparently slavery is still legal in Scotland, as well...
Sorry but porn then "6 links deep" has officially got me rolling in innuendo based laughter.
I worked at a convenience store and decided to quit one night after the boss cut my hours to 8hrs a week out of spite. We had a CD player behind the counter and I played CD's full blast through my entire shift, including Pantera's "Fucking Hostile", Korn's "Kunts" and Metallica's cover of "So What." The looks that I got during the evening were priceless.
Reply