The 7 Ballsiest Ways Anyone Ever Quit Their Job

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If you're like most people, you treat quitting with the false solemnity of a funeral for an annoying family pet. You stifle any PEACE BEYOOOOTCHs that have been building up inside you for years, act a little sad and maybe say a few thoughtful parting words.

Other folks just can't resist expressing exactly how they feel with an ass-loaded roman candle. These people approach quitting a job like performance art, living the I'll show them dreams of frustrated employees everywhere, and occasionally showing us just how badly those dreams sometimes turn out ...

#7.
With Computer Programming

If we knew how to program video games, we would totally quit every job this way. We're talking an interactive resignation letter where you have to shove various office supplies into your boss's ass to escape a cubicle dungeon full of cankle-shoed fat women and terrifyingly greasy IT guys. We almost want to learn how to program, get a job doing it and then quit that job, just so we can resign this way.


"And in the second level, I beat you both to death with the Pepsi machine."

A designer working at 2K Games said goodbye with a custom Mario game that you can actually play here, complete with the star power song and "I QUIT!" dancing on the screen whenever you grab a mushroom. Its quasi-respectful tone and brain-punching awesomeness aside, we can't help but suggest that he leave it off the next portfolio he turns in to a game developer, unless he's looking to capture the record for world's fastest job interview.


"Well, I can see from your portfolio that you're a bombastic asshole. Get the fuck out of my office."

A more low-key and slightly poignant example was created by an Ubisoft programmer, depicting the company in a film noir adventure setting, except instead of guns and gin joints it's full of a bunch of rail-thin geeks who can't decide what they want to do with their lives. Emo noir, we suppose.

But nothing quite tops the unnamed techie who decided to leave behind a Mac alert explaining just how he felt about his temporary employers:


The "I've Moved Back Into My Mom's House" button is noticeably missing.

What baffles us about this is how he seems to be trying to set an ultimatum for his employers to treat him better. He says himself that neither the company nor rest of the staff will be affected by his quitting, so his work couldn't have been that great to begin with. Then he accuses his boss of being a screw up, but takes the time to leave a little box in case they want to hire him back. No boss ever in the history of anything would consider clicking on that damn thing. Mainly because you'd have to assume all three buttons lead to old man porn.

#6.
In Front of Your Co-Workers, With Nudity

Sometimes the best way to say "I'm leaving" is by waving around a naked penis. Or by filming a video using the Star Wars crawl to describe how you would have sex with everyone in the office, and then waving around your naked penis obscured by a clown face. OK, that's never the best way to say anything, but don't tell that to this guy:

Our big question is, why bother covering up? He's gone this far to insult everyone, and yet chooses to censor his wang (in the creepiest way possible, we might add). Any of his intended targets still watching the video when Mr. Chuckles shows up had it coming--he flat-out announces he's going to be naked about a minute and a half beforehand.

Kevin Nalty, who used to be the consumer product director for Propecia at Merck Pharmaceuticals, used American Idol and his bare chest to leave his job in order to pursue an online video career. While Big Pharmaceutical to YouTube might sound like the worst career move ever, after viewing his resignation video, we have to think the US Health care system got the best of that transaction:

#5.
With Food

Well-liked members of the workforce tend to get a nice cake when they leave a job. Or, if you're like W. Neil Barrett, you bring in your own cake with a letter of resignation written across the frosting.

Admittedly this is pretty clever, we're more on board with this cake, which sends a clear impossible to miss message:


Under no circumstances should you ever eat a cake that looks like this.

Well, not impossible to miss. Evidently, a guy known only as Patrick walked into a job he hated, dropped this bomb on his boss's desk, then took his paycheck and walked out. What's worse, his boss didn't understand what had happened, and had to have the whole exchange explained to him later by his remaining staff.


"I thought the cake was quitting!"

However, we feel that if you're going to quit your job, you might as well do it shitfaced with a bottle of Cheez Whiz, which is exactly what this guy thought. He showed up to work at a grocery store lit to the gills at 5AM, which many of you may recognize as being way before most people are even awake. After fighting with his coworkers and shouting some slurred expletives, he grabbed a bottle of the condiment and wrote "I Quit" on the storefront window, vanishing into the city like a drunken cheese-wielding Batman before the cops could show up and arrest him.

We can only imagine the awkward looks exchanged when he realized he still had to come back and pick up his last paycheck.

#4.
In Song

Singing a toe-tapping resignation to your boss like Jonathon Schaech in That Thing You Do is the perfect mix of douche and awesome, sort of like Sean Connery slapping you in the face with his dong.


While singing.

Unsurprisingly, we tend to see this happening most often with musicians, who by trade have been known to sing on certain occasions. Take The Cure, who won a contest to have their music published by a German label called Hansa Records. Confronted with a bunch of dark, complex songs that would later be beloved by generations of social misfits, Hansa went into full-on marketing panic and made the logical decision to try and turn them into a boy band.


Clearly, they are nothing of the sort.

That didn't quite work out, and after recording a bunch of tracks that Hansa refuses to release to this day, The Cure decided that they actually had a sense of humor buried beneath their tear-streaked mascara and recorded "Do The Hansa," an upbeat pop song loaded with ridiculous German gibberish, on their way out the door to embrace worldwide fame.

That's fairly gentle compared to the send-off Queen gave their former manager, Norman Sheffield. In the wake of Queen's unquestionable talent and immense mainstream appeal, Sheffield decided that he was responsible for all the success and was therefore entitled to all the money they made.

Fed up with his antics, Queen decided to quit the shit out of him and wrote a little ditty called "Death on Two Legs," in which they compare Sheffield to a leech, gloat about how successful they are and invite Sheffield to kill himself for being so terrible, an offer which he sadly didn't take them up on. The song sounds kind of like a gangsta rap beef, only nobody got shot.


Gangsta.