Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

We could play the what-if game all day. "What if Hitler had really been killed in the Operation Valkyrie assassination plot?" Answer: Not a hell of a lot would be different.

But that's not always the case. Some assassination attempts have come dangerously close to changing the world in horrifying ways. We're not saying we'd be living in a land of breakdancing dinosaurs and chocolate flavored rainbows if a few things had gone the other way ... we're just saying we might all be Nazis.

#6. The Kaplan Incident

The Target:

Vladimir Lenin

If Successful:

The Nazis would have won World War II.

Fanny Kaplan, besides sounding like an LSAT prep teacher slash old-time burlesque dancer, was a political revolutionary during the Bolshevik Revolution. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't a Bolshevik, but a Socialist Revolutionary and her party was banned by Lenin shortly after he came into power. Already a little messed up in the head from a stint in a Siberian prison, Fanny figured assassinating Vladimir Lenin would be the perfect way to get her party back on track.

So she fired three shots at him on August 30, 1918. He survived the assassination attempt, and showed her what was what by having her and a few thousand others assassinated three days later.

But What if She Succeeded?

The Bolshevik Revolution would have collapsed. And the Nazis would have won WWII.

By 1918, Lenin's ability to inspire crowds and his willingness to kill the crap out of anyone who opposed him was the only thing keeping the loose factions of the newly triumphant Bolsheviks together. Especially since his Czar-loving opposition, awesomely called the White Russians, were backed by the better funded Allies.


Delicious, delicious opposition.

Without Lenin, the White Russians would have won the struggle for control of Russia, and a non-communist, possibly even democratic government would have eventually emerged. So Joseph Stalin wouldn't have been around to kill tens of millions of Russian people, which would have been super, but there also would have been no "Uncle Joe" to drag Russia kicking and screaming into modernity so that they could have the military badassery to kill eight out of every 10 Germans that died in WWII.

Of course, that also means Hitler's ill-fated invasion of Russia may have been a raging success, providing the Nazis with the much needed manpower, raw materials and crops they needed to win the war. So, yeah, thanks Fanny. Thanks for failing.


You know your country's in for some hard times when "not shooting the tyrant" is the best option.

#5. Giuseppe Zangara and The Man in The High Castle

The Target:

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

If Successful:

A Fascist planet.

In February 1933, America was in the anaconda vice hold of the Depression and Franklin Roosevelt was less than a month away from his first inauguration. But a five-foot tall bricklayer named Giuseppe Zangara nearly undid the 20th century when he showed up at an FDR speech in Miami with the intention (we think) of killing the president-elect.

Fortunately, Zangara was so short that he had to stand on a wobbly folding chair to get his shot, which missed. Then the surrounding crowd knocked the short out of him as Zangara fired wildly in FDR's general direction.


Awww.

But What if He Succeeded?

Aside from the tragic loss of one of the most influential figures in history, how would the assassination of FDR have affected everyday life as we know it? According to one expert, we'd be living in something out of a science fiction novel. In fact, somebody did write a science-fiction novel about it, and he was none other than the legendary Philip K. Dick.

In 1963's The Man in the High Castle, Dick imagined the assassination of FDR as a "point of divergence," in history, triggering a domino of events starting with a weak Vice President Garner taking office. Unlike FDR, Garner maintains the stance of isolationism through the war. The Allies lose without America's help and, shortly thereafter, the Axis powers turn their attention to conquering the U.S. Which they do, in 1948.

Because Hitler's still alive, but debilitated by syphilis (?), his under-Fuhrer is the guy who starts rolling out the Mein Kampf agenda. Specifically, the eradication of the world's inferior races. And, oh yeah, Germany's unstoppable rocket program gets the Swastika on the moon, Mars and Venus, which is important because colonizing the solar system with National Socialism is all the rage.


You try weathering a Venusian summer without short shorts.

If looking at the Axis map below isn't enough to thank your god for Giuseppe Zangara's height/aim/planning deficiencies, then you're either a Fascist or maybe you just think Philip K. Dick was full of shit.


Basically everybody's Fascist but Canada.

#4. Kyujo Incident

The Target:

Japanese Emperor Hirohito and other officials, when they were on the verge of surrendering WWII.

If Successful:

Japan would be a barren wasteland.

By mid-August 1945, the war in the Pacific was just about over. The USSR had bounced Japan's ass out of Manchuria; Hiroshima and Nagasaki were still smoldering; and Emperor Hirohito was finally ready to announce he was going to call it a day and surrender.

But not everyone on Team Japan was cool with surrendering to the Allies. So officers of the War Ministry and the Imperial Guard concocted the plan to prevent Hirohito's announcement of surrender, namely by assassinating all of the peaceniks except for the emperor, who would be placed under "protective custody."

Then the plan would be to broadcast an alternate speech declaring Japan's intention to fight down to the last man, woman and child. Fortunately, four officers went A-Team on the conspirators' asses and the whole shebang fell apart at the last minute.

But What if They Succeeded?

Japan would be a barren wasteland. And we'd all probably be radioactive mutants.

Had Hirohito not surrendered, the Allies would have implemented Operation Downfall, an apocalyptic plan that would have resulted in millions of Allied casualties and tens of millions of Japanese casualties. One military planner estimated that SEVEN atomic bombs would have been ready for detonation by X-Day, which was scheduled for November 1, 1945.

And as if this scenario wasn't horrific enough, the U.S. had absolutely no idea what the fuck they were doing with nuclear warfare, and were prepared to send troops into ground zero with no radiation gear whatsoever only 48-hours after the atomic bombings.

And don't think that it would have just been American troops dropping into Radiationland. Allied troops from Britain, Australia, Canada and New Zealand would have also been invited to the poison party.


Keep your nukes close, and your infantry closer.

And then they'd all have gone home and got started on that baby boom we've heard so much about. Would the next generation have been born with grotesque deformities? Or superpowers?

The world will never know.

#3. The Spanish Armada Fails to Off Elizabeth I

The Target:

Queen Elizabeth I

If Successful:

The U.S.A. would not exist.

Way back in 1588, England was just an isolated island with a lot of enemies and Spain was the undisputed champion of the New World. But Spanish King Philip wanted more, specifically he wanted his kid on the throne in England and to make it Catholic. Which meant he needed Elizabeth I out of the way.


Peace.

So like all dads hoping to usurp the last Protestant heir to the House of Tudors, Philip built up an Armada to get the deed done. Unfortunately for him, poor planning and shitty weather got his Armada's ass kicked all around the British Isles. To this day England credits their win to the notion that God is a Protestant.

But What If They Succeeded?

Viva los Estados Unidos!

Or something like that. Had Phillip successfully wiped out Elizabeth, the ongoing Catholicism versus Protestantism death match would have ended with a bloody Elizabeth/Protestant England knocked out cold and a victorious Philip/Catholic Spain doing a salsa-infused victory dance around the ring/Europe.


Spain is here represented by Don Flamenco.

The implications of a Spanish victory over England would have been huge. Like, we all speak Spanish now, huge.

Instead, the Armada was defeated and England was on its way to dominance. Had the Armada landed, Philip would have eradicated Protestantism, which would have meant no funding of English religious colonies in the New World, no British empire (in fact, no United Kingdom at all) and, of course, no American Revolution.

Instead, Spain would have continued their takeover of the New World, but with an undefeated navy backing up their endeavors. Not only would Europe and North America have been dominated by Spain, but the destruction of the Protestant faith would have probably knocked out the Enlightenment as well, because the non-Catholic arm of the Christian church was a little more open to new ideas back then. So we'd all be getting our science from the Creation Museum. In Spanish.

#2. The Gunpowder Plot

The Target:

King James I and Parliament

If Successful:

The U.S.A. would not exist even more than in that last entry.

On November 5, 1605, a handful of pissed-off British Catholics thought they'd get the religious tolerance ball rolling by blowing up King James I and Parliament. The plan was simple: get 36 barrels of gunpowder in the basement of the House of Lords, light it, run, assume the revolution was underway.


Google Image result for "The Revolution."

Except the revolution never even got their drum machine set up, because Protestant James was tipped off about his pending assassination days before. Conspirators were subsequently discovered and executed in horrific Saw-like manners.

But What if They Had Succeeded?

The U.S.A. wouldn't exist (not as you know it, anyway).

The idea, according to some historians, is that the act of terrorism would have actually sparked a whale of a backlash against the country's Catholics. Like, Salem Witch Hunts where targets aren't accused of sexing it up with the Devil, but religioning it up WITH THE POPE.

As it played out, King James' son Charles went pretty easy on the Catholics and reversed a lot of anti-Catholic policies. But in this alternate universe where Catholic terrorists blew up his dad, you can imagine how that would have changed things.

That Charles would've gone bananas for Protestantism, probably turning England into a hard-lined Protestant absolute monarchy. England would have become one of the most frigid, God-fearing, stuck-up places on the planet, thus making the whole voyage of the Mayflower unnecessary--the Puritans would have had no reason to leave.

Without the Mayflower, we wouldn't have the Mayflower Compact, the document that established a watered down form of democracy in the colonies. And without a thriving, orderly, colonial system to develop the continent, the U.S.A. would have likely remained a Loose Collection of Multinational Settlements.


L-C-M-S! L-C-M-S! These colors don't run!

Spanish, French, Russians, Native Americans and Dutch settlements, to be precise.

So just when you start wondering if America totally made a deal with the Devil (or God?) to thwart these "the U.S.A. would never have happened" assassination scenarios, we're going to submit another one. Behold:

#1. The Tory Conspiracy

The Target:

George Washington

If Successful:

The British would have won the Revolutionary War, the U.S.A. would not... well, you know.

On June 21, 1776 several pro-British Americans, or Tories, were implicated in a plot to assassinate General Washington and recruit enough Loyalists to take on the Yankee army. Included in the conspiracy were several of Washington's personal bodyguards, as well as the ex-governor of New York and then current mayor of New York City.

Only one conspirator, Thomas Hickey, was actually put on trial for treason. He was executed in front of no less than 20,000 spectators one whole week after the plot was discovered. And thus American Justice was born.

But What if They Succeeded?

The British would have won the Revolutionary War.

By most accounts, the Continental Army should have lost the war anyway. But without Washington's leadership of the underfunded, under clothed farmer-soldiers and his brilliant strategy of avoiding major battles whenever possible, the revolution would have ended in a short, sputtering anti-climatic disaster.

Especially since most of the entire army nearly called it quits at the end of their enlistment terms in December of 1776. It was Washington's charisma and handsome jowls that persuaded them to continue on. And when they did, he had congress change their enlistment terms so that they'd stick around for the length of the war. Without him and Monsieur King Louis, the British would've had thrashed the colonies in short order.


Alternate Universe America, January, 2010.

For even less consequential events with repercussions that would have left you speaking another language today, check out 6 Random Coincidences That Created The Modern World. Or learn what might have been lost if America didn't exist with our look at The Bizarrely Specific Rules of Country Music Album Covers [CHART].

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

738 Comments

Load Comments