4The Honda UX-3
The Japanese seemingly invented this device so that the world would feel like it owed the Segway an apology. Ladies and gentlemen: the Honda UX-3.
Let's get this out of the way right now: Yes, that model is pretty hot. Feel free to discuss that further in the comments. But what you probably also noticed is how supremely ridiculous she looks riding a thing that looks like a cross between EVE from WALL-E and a sunglasses case. She's obviously keeping herself extremely tense the whole time, since any small shift in weight will result in the UX-3 moving in that direction, making the fact that Honda wants to market this to old people all the more harrowing. We'll take a moment to let that idea sink in.
OK, we're back. Yes, Honda decided to sell a vehicle that requires extremely precise balance to a group of people who are known primarily for a lack of agility and balance. No, we have no idea what they were thinking.
But we can just imagine it now: Old Mrs. Jenkins rolling around the supermarket on her UX-3, garnering strange looks from all of the other customers, when suddenly her arthritis acts up and she clutches her side, which in turn sends her barreling directly into a mountainous cereal display that immediately comes crashing down around her, just like in the movies. Actually, we've changed our minds. This thing sounds awesome.
What You Could Buy Instead:
A motorized wheelchair. Or literally anything else on this list.
3The American Chariot
Here at Cracked, we think that all police officers should be wise-cracking, no-nonsense badasses who are much too busy catching dangerous criminals and repairing their broken marriage to ever bother with, say, busting someone for driving a measly five miles-per-hour over the speed limit.
But that just wasn't enough for the folks at American Chariot. They wanted to make police officers faster, more mobile and able to carry more supplies. While this RoboCop-esque idea sounds great on paper, what they actually came up with was... well, we'll let you see it for yourselves.
The first thing you might notice is that the American Chariot literally looks like a chariot, only instead of a team of fierce stallions pounding the ground in front of you, you have three tiny little wheels. In fact, the configuration is kind of like the Big Wheel you had as a toddler. Only you stand up on it, because you're a big boy now!
And while that level of silliness is about par for the course for the vehicles on this list, it gains extra significance when you remember that the rider is an officer of the law. No matter how many times that video talks about "looking imposing" and "projecting authority, strength and commanding a situation," the fact remains that they took two of the least threatening vehicles ever made--the Segway and the tricycle--and merged them together in a way that would make any criminal shit their pants with laughter.
But, lest you think that this is a total bust of a vehicle, you'll note that around the 3:04 mark of that video, a police officer points out that the chariot can "keep people more confused." If that was the purpose of the American Chariot, we have to call it a resounding success.
What You Could Buy Instead:
Honestly? If you're a cop, you already have a badge and a gun; the people who don't respect the first one will probably respect the second. You don't need to buy a damn thing. Just grow a mustache and your arsenal is complete.