The Top 10 Decades of the Century: How The 2000s Compared

Recently, Time named the 00s the worst decade ever. This is clearly ridiculous when you consider their comparison set includes decades featuring things like "The Atmosphere is Made of Pure Sulfur" and "Romans Fed My Hippie Flesh to a Fucking Lion." But what if we narrow the criteria to the last 100 years, instead: 1910-2009. How would the 00s stack up? Would the 20s kick its goofy ass? Could it travel back in time like Marty McFly and give the 50s a massive wedgie? We'll see, as we count down the top 10 decades of the century, in ascending order:

#10. The 1930s

What Was Better Than the 00s?

The literature: The Hobbit, Of Mice and Men, The Big Sleep, all classics. Whereas the 00s have Twilight, The Da Vinci Code and He's Just Not That Into You. Politically, FDR kicked so much ass his legs stopped working, and he still rolled his way to three more terms, making him possibly the most beloved president ever. We, on the other hand, had this guy:

What Was Worse?

Well, there was that whole Great Depression, where millions of people ate bread made out of dirt and stabbed each other for an opportunity to pick peas 12-hours a day at 10 cents an hour. In the years immediately following 2001, everybody worried about some sort of economical apocalypse. Well, it pretty much happened in the 30s. And that's not even taking into account the dissolution of the League of Nations, the Rise of the Nazi Party and the appeasement of said party by Neville Chamberlain leading to WWII starting. From the starvation to the pre-cursor of the holocaust, the 1930s really buckled down and earned their place as the worst decade of the century. They even beat that decade with the hippies, so you know that's saying something. Speaking of...

#9. The 1960s

What Was Better Than the 00s?

I'm sure a lot of you are up in arms right now. After all, the 60s saw the best house party in the world happen in upstate New York, while some of the biggest advancements in civil rights unfolded down South after interesting ideas regarding public seating proved to be successful. This one pastor gave a couple really cool speeches, including one about climbing mountains, and another about lucid dreaming. And women, inspired by all this social upheaval, asserted their rights by removing their bras and throwing them in the trash in the name of feminism, becoming the only public protest in the 60s where men with hoses would have actually improved the situation.

What Was Worse?

So what the fuck am I thinking, right? Well, let's look at what happened to all those beautiful dreams: A) They turned out to be wildly unrealistic because the world was still ass-backwards at the time and B) the dreamers got filled with bullets and bled out in front of a national audience. John and Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X and Medgar Evers: The 60s had a real boner for just up and shooting optimists. The 00s threw shoes and did walk-by smack talk. I'm pretty certain Dr. King would rather have dodged a Doc Marten (the official shoe of racism) or two than gotten shot to death.

And if Iraq was largely deemed an unjust action, Vietnam was a soul-rending clusterfuck of epic proportions. Trust in our government didn't just erode in the 60s, it completely imploded. And on top of all that, everyone assumed the Russians were going to melt our eyeballs out of our skulls with atomic rainfire at any minute. So what was the government's idea of reassurance? Telling us climb under a goddamn desk. The 00s gave birth to the meme "(insert name here) raped my childhood," but the 60s shoved a rocket launcher up the ass of innocence and pulled the trigger until it went "click."

#8. The 1910s

What Was Better Than the 00s?

The art was pretty stunning. Picasso, Matisse and Duchamp got the world used to accepting hilarious pretension and babyish douchebaggery on a massive scale, just so long as the art was sufficiently mind-bending. And we couldn't even call these people mercurial fuckups with severe depressive disorders, because nobody knew what that was: Medicine was still in the stage where doctors prescribed a teener of coke for a toothache. So we just shrugged and said, "Sure, he's acting quite peculiar, but look! He drew the nose where the ear should go, and the eyes are on the chin... HE IS CLEARLY A GENIUS!"

What Was Worse?

The Great War isn't brought up much anymore, mostly because it's harder to mythologize than it's "Great" nephew. It was uglier, filthier and nastier than WWII and, in the end, it didn't even really fix anything. In fact, it acted more like the fuse on a timebomb set to go off in the mid-30s--a bomb that would eventually lead to the rise of Hitler. While the modern world pisses their pampers over the Swine Flu and its horrifying payload of "feeling uggy" and "slightly puky," the Spanish Flu killed up to 100-million people in two years. The October Revolution killed 20-million, deposed the Tsar and installed a communist dictatorship in its place that enjoyed a decades-long reign until Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell punched it in the balls in Red Dawn, thus ending the Cold War forever (Thanks, Swayze!).

Also, a ship sank in the Atlantic. There's a movie about it, I guess.

#7. The 2000s

What Was OK?

The overwhelming sense of unity and goodwill that most of the free world shared shortly after 9/11 was fantastic. Science got awesome again: We bombed the moon and found water, built a bunch of robots to fight wars for us and they haven't risen up to claim our flesh for their own (yet). We finally edged closer to the future the Jetsons have always promised us with hi-def TVs that hang on walls like paintings, touchscreen personal communication devices, electric (but not flying) cars and video games. Politically and socially, the 2000s made a couple leaps nobody expected: Barack Obama got elected. Whether you agree with the man's politics or not, virtually nobody expected a black man to make it into the White House for at least another 20 years. Also, gay people were allowed in some states to practice the soul-eroding, dispiriting and grueling tradition of marriage, which they somehow regarded as a huge win.

What Sucked Hard?

Terrorists suicide bombing the Pentagon and the World Trade Center, and the U.S. never catching the guy who paid for the attacks, even though the motherfucker lives in depleted cave rubble and is tied to a dialysis machine like Dr. Venture. The Earth also went apeshit and decided to go after the humans crawling its crust like a dog gnawing at a flea-bitten patch of mangy fur: Cyclones in Myanmar, The Boxing Day Tsunami and Hurricanes Katrina, Ike and Rita combined to turn New Orleans into a backed up toilet.

Other things that were mostly ruined include:

The Economy (Global Recession)
Comedy (Carlos Mencia, Larry the Cable Guy)
Star Wars (The Prequels)
Sex (Furries)
Italian-American culture (New Jersey)
Basic Communication (texting/comments sections/you're shits all retarded nd u talk like a fag)

#6. The 1970s

What Was Better Than the 00s?

The Vietnam War finally ended, and ended definitively. The Movie Brats took over Hollywood and, with all respect to the 30s and 40s, were responsible for the single best decade in American movie history. Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, Scorsese, Carpenter, Friedkin, De Palma and more took their film degrees and somehow conned Hollywood into handing a bunch of bearded nerds the keys to the kingdom. They made some of the most adventurous studio system films ever produced. And that's just at the high-minded end of the scale; in the gutters of low culture, the splatter-flick and exploitation cinema unapologetically wallowed in gore and zero social redemption, making people like Quentin Tarantino possible ... for whatever that's worth.

What Was Worse?

Goddamn we were ugly as hell. Everything about the decade was covered in an orangey/brown sheen, from RVs, to Station Wagons, Butterfly Collars and Paisley print Pants. The women all looked like Charlie Chaplin with an eagle molting on top of their heads, and the men were swarthy bags of chest hair barely contained in a periwinkle leisure suit. We roller-skated unironically, for the love of Christ.

The 70s were littered with psychotics: Jim Jones ruined Kool-Aid's sterling reputation in Jonestown; Idi Amin ate his enemies; Pinochet got a little help from the CIA to become dictator of Chile; Pol Pot inspired the Dead Kennedys to become impromptu travel agents; and Black September turned the '72 Olympics into a nightmare of anti-Israeli terrorism.

And then there was Nixon.

Nixon dragged his big-ass feet getting the troops out of Vietnam, and of course, famously quit due to Watergate, thus damaging America in a multitude of ways; detonating what shred of faith we had left in the government after the 60s, and guaranteeing that anytime any celebrity does ANYTHING wrong, our idiot media will tack the suffix "-gate" to the end of it.

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