#3. The Santa Comics
You know what modern day "gritty" superhero movies are missing? Fucking Santa Claus, that's what. Tell us you wouldn't have left the The Dark Knight with a smile if it had ended with Santa appearing, then grabbing the Joker off Batman and chucking him from that skyscraper. But Hollywood is too "cool" for that apparently.
Comic writers know better. Check out "The Seal Men's War on Santa Claus," the harrowing tale seen in the Christmas issue of the short-lived Sandman comic. In this tale, the Sandman meets Mrs. Claus, who confesses to being "edgy since the Seal Men sneaked down here and kidnapped Santa."
Sandman, who of course is old friends with Santa and to whom that sentence made perfect sense, finds the Jolly One and takes on the dastardly Seal Men:
What did we learn from that page?
A. Sandman thinks Santa is too stupid to remember Christmas is kind of his thing;
B. Santa is apparently a Time Lord, as he claims to be 1600 years old;
C. Everybody, including Seal Men, is a Christian in Kirby's world, because the whole reason they started this throw-down was that their Christmas sucked;
D. Santa evidently is that stupid, since the Seal Men are pissed off due to St. Nick bringing them woolen gloves and scuba equipment;
E. Seal flippers have thumbs.
Of course, as time went on, Santa comics needed their own gritty reboot:
The slaughter above is from Rob Liefeld's Santa the Barbarian comic, though even the corpse pile is somehow nowhere near as disturbing as...
...Santa getting his fucking head chopped off by an alien bounty hunter named Lobo. Though even that won't give us as many nightmares as...
...Santa's deformed shirtless torso as depicted in the Ultimate Warrior Christmas issue.
Next time you see Santa, try not to picture his huge hairy boob-gut.
#2. Santa Ink
Tattoos are a statement. Usually that statement is "I hope this will finally get me laid" or "my friends don't stop me from making foolish decisions with long-term consequences when I am intoxicated."
Which brings us to the ever-popular Santa tattoo.
Tattoos are an art form that has made many men regret permanently commemorating a one-week relationship with a girl they met at a cockfight, so it only makes sense that people would line up to get a holiday tattoo that's only relevant about two weeks out of the year.
But during those two weeks, you are the freaking king of Christmas, dude! After all, nothing says "Holiday Spirit" like luchadores, a spirited group of insane Mexican wrestlers, of which Santa is apparently a member.
But the hands-down, no-holds-barred, spared-no-cliche-for-this-introduction winner has to be...
...Yoda Santa. That's the guy's chest, in case you didn't spot the nipple there. What's not to love? There's something for every discriminating loather of body art and geek alike. Get into a fistfight at a bar, rip your shirt off and that fight is over. Ain't nobody going to punch Yoda Claus.
All right. One left, and you knew this was coming eventually...
#1. Yes Vagina, there is a Santa Claus
No, we couldn't walk away without addressing Santa Porn.
There are really three stages of maturity for a boy in the Western world. There's the stage when you first believe in Santa, the stage when you find out Santa isn't real and the stage when you find out that Ron Jeremy starred as a huge-cocked Santa Claus in a Christmas-themed porno.
"You're a man now, Timmy."
Why do we do this? Why do we constantly search out ways to violate the things that helped make our childhoods great? Why do we feel the need to mix sex with everything that by rights should be left separate, just like how you don't try to put chili and ice cream in the same bowl?
Ooh... hold on. We need to try something.
Ah, OK. No, don't put chili and ice cream in the same bowl. Just as you don't put Santa in the naked bowl. Yet, do a Google Image Search for "Santa Claus" and you get this...
...as THE SECOND RESULT. Do you dare to keep paging through? Because eventually you'll hit this:
And God forbid--and we mean we literally hope God forbids it--you intentionally search for something racy like "Santa sex" because in one second you're going to be looking at page after page of full-on Santa boner and multiple orifice penetration. We're talking images we can't show you here without censoring them so much you'd think you had accidentally turned off your monitor.
Here, this ornament depicting Santa boning Mrs. Claus (?) is about the closest we can get.
Hey, did you know there's a video called Christmas in Summer? And that it stars a girl named Summer? And that "Christmas" is her dog?
Though nothing we found tops this German film:
So... you conservative types out there protesting every time you catch a retail chain failing to wish every customer a Merry Christmas, you who are complaining that commercialization has taken away its religious context... did you know about the bi-sexual strap-on three-way Santa porno?
Because it seems like you should have said something about that.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
For more holiday bastardizations, check out The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World and 11 Tasteless Holiday Decorations.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.18.2009) to see Santa Brockway (getting drunk off eggnog).