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Santa Claus belongs to everybody. And we mean that literally; nobody owns the copyright on the character. That is as it should be, but it does leave room for abuse.

Here are some uses of Santa Claus that, like magic, will convert your holiday spirit into deep, dark depression.

6
Santa the Spokesman

It's the perfect situation: Since nobody owns the rights to Santa Claus, sticking him in your ad or on your product's label costs exactly zero dollars. Just ask the people at Coca-Cola, who have been featuring him on ads and packaging for more than 80 freaking years. But Coke was neither the first nor the last, and over the years pretty much every major company has had their shot with the Claus. Right, Norelco?

That's their weird-ass ad from the 60s featuring Santa, uh, riding around on a giant electric razor as if it were a sleigh.

Way to sell the benefits of the product, fellas. Then again maybe your first mistake was picking a razor spokesman who is famous for having a gigantic beard. You didn't leave yourself a lot of options.

It's important that you match Santa with the appropriate product. Like a 1-900 rap line.

Some of you kids barely remember 1-900 numbers. You really had to be there. It was the waning days of the 20th century and all bets were off. Everybody, their brother and Santa Claus had a 900 number which you could call to listen to some pre-recorded message, and then be charged outrageous amounts of money. The entire industry was built on tricking kids into calling, knowing that by the time Mom and Dad saw the phone bill, it would be too late.


Behind that Santa beard is an evil genius

That's the thing; not only can anybody use Santa, but people still trust him. Well, kids trust him. Suddenly it's, "Mommy, can I have a coke?" "Mommy, can I call 1-900-raps?" "Mommy, can you pick me up a carton of Lucky Strikes?"

Oh, yeah, that's not Photoshop. "Kids, if cigarettes really caused cancer, would Santa smoke them?" Well we guess he would since he's immortal but we don't think that was the message.

And for those who can't make out the letter from Santa, here are the highlights: "A gift that. . . brings pleasure to every nose, both great and small, is rare indeed. Such a gift is Lucky Strike."

Merry Christmas, Timmy, I brought you a lifetime of addiction. You're welcome.

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5
As Seen in Japan

Christianity is not big in Japan; less than one percent of the population is Christian. So you wouldn't think Christmas would be a big deal, but man do the Japanese people love them some Santa!

Godzilla comes and Hello Kitty goes, but for some reason Santa endures in Japan. Not that they're totally clear on the subject. Imagine you got a job at a nuclear power plant and taught yourself how to do it from old Simpsons episodes. That's kind of how Japan goes about the whole "Christmas" thing.


The bag is full of dead cats.

But Japan's love for Santa is understandable. The country has long had a, let's be charitable and say, "obsession" for the trappings of youth and innocence, what with their schoolgirl anime (read: porn). And yes, it makes for some disturbing combinations.

And don't forget to throw a little "Colonel Sanders" into the mix. Somehow, years ago, KFC managed to convince Japan that in America, fried chicken was the traditional Christmas meal.


The 12 herbs and spices of Christmas.

Thus if you are in Japan, and want your KFC fix for Christmas you better have made your reservation with Colonel Sanders Claus weeks in advance. Yeah, in Japan you need reservations. At KFC. That has to be like showing up at 7-Eleven and finding a velvet rope and bouncer at the door.

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4
The St. Nick Merchandising Bonanza

Of course, if you can make money with Santa as your unpaid go-to spokesman, why not go the full monty and just market the man himself? That way people can buy the above Santa toilet seat cover and pretend they're shitting down Santa's neck. Quick, somebody write a carol about that!

In fact, it appears that a large percentage of the American Santa Claus merchandise market is feces-based. Here's some toilet paper so you can wipe your ass with Santa's face:

And here's an "eat Santa's shit" candy dispenser.

Wait, were we making fun of Japan a minute ago? Could they have come up with this?

That's one of Todd McFarlane's action figures, from the "Twisted Christmas" line. It includes monsterized versions of Santa, Rudolph, Frosty and others. You won't get much more disturbing than that. Unless...

Guess what that is. No, really. Guess.

Did you say, "A Snuggie for your dick?" Well, you're right. And we all lose.

What's truly horrifying about that is it's homemade. Someone sat and lovingly crafted the cock-coat and sold it on eBay. Yep, sold. But really, $12 is a small price for a story your fellow employees at the Christmas party and the arresting officer will be telling for years.

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3
The Santa Comics

You know what modern day "gritty" superhero movies are missing? Fucking Santa Claus, that's what. Tell us you wouldn't have left the The Dark Knight with a smile if it had ended with Santa appearing, then grabbing the Joker off Batman and chucking him from that skyscraper. But Hollywood is too "cool" for that apparently.

Comic writers know better. Check out "The Seal Men's War on Santa Claus," the harrowing tale seen in the Christmas issue of the short-lived Sandman comic. In this tale, the Sandman meets Mrs. Claus, who confesses to being "edgy since the Seal Men sneaked down here and kidnapped Santa."

Sandman, who of course is old friends with Santa and to whom that sentence made perfect sense, finds the Jolly One and takes on the dastardly Seal Men:

What did we learn from that page?

A. Sandman thinks Santa is too stupid to remember Christmas is kind of his thing;

B. Santa is apparently a Time Lord, as he claims to be 1600 years old;

C. Everybody, including Seal Men, is a Christian in Kirby's world, because the whole reason they started this throw-down was that their Christmas sucked;

D. Santa evidently is that stupid, since the Seal Men are pissed off due to St. Nick bringing them woolen gloves and scuba equipment;

E. Seal flippers have thumbs.

Of course, as time went on, Santa comics needed their own gritty reboot:

The slaughter above is from Rob Liefeld's Santa the Barbarian comic, though even the corpse pile is somehow nowhere near as disturbing as...

...Santa getting his fucking head chopped off by an alien bounty hunter named Lobo. Though even that won't give us as many nightmares as...

...Santa's deformed shirtless torso as depicted in the Ultimate Warrior Christmas issue.

Next time you see Santa, try not to picture his huge hairy boob-gut.

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2
Santa Ink

Tattoos are a statement. Usually that statement is "I hope this will finally get me laid" or "my friends don't stop me from making foolish decisions with long-term consequences when I am intoxicated."

Which brings us to the ever-popular Santa tattoo.

Tattoos are an art form that has made many men regret permanently commemorating a one-week relationship with a girl they met at a cockfight, so it only makes sense that people would line up to get a holiday tattoo that's only relevant about two weeks out of the year.

But during those two weeks, you are the freaking king of Christmas, dude! After all, nothing says "Holiday Spirit" like luchadores, a spirited group of insane Mexican wrestlers, of which Santa is apparently a member.

But the hands-down, no-holds-barred, spared-no-cliche-for-this-introduction winner has to be...

...Yoda Santa. That's the guy's chest, in case you didn't spot the nipple there. What's not to love? There's something for every discriminating loather of body art and geek alike. Get into a fistfight at a bar, rip your shirt off and that fight is over. Ain't nobody going to punch Yoda Claus.

All right. One left, and you knew this was coming eventually...

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1
Yes Vagina, there is a Santa Claus

No, we couldn't walk away without addressing Santa Porn.

There are really three stages of maturity for a boy in the Western world. There's the stage when you first believe in Santa, the stage when you find out Santa isn't real and the stage when you find out that Ron Jeremy starred as a huge-cocked Santa Claus in a Christmas-themed porno.


"You're a man now, Timmy."

Why do we do this? Why do we constantly search out ways to violate the things that helped make our childhoods great? Why do we feel the need to mix sex with everything that by rights should be left separate, just like how you don't try to put chili and ice cream in the same bowl?

Ooh... hold on. We need to try something.

Ah, OK. No, don't put chili and ice cream in the same bowl. Just as you don't put Santa in the naked bowl. Yet, do a Google Image Search for "Santa Claus" and you get this...

...as THE SECOND RESULT. Do you dare to keep paging through? Because eventually you'll hit this:

And God forbid--and we mean we literally hope God forbids it--you intentionally search for something racy like "Santa sex" because in one second you're going to be looking at page after page of full-on Santa boner and multiple orifice penetration. We're talking images we can't show you here without censoring them so much you'd think you had accidentally turned off your monitor.

Here, this ornament depicting Santa boning Mrs. Claus (?) is about the closest we can get.

Hey, did you know there's a video called Christmas in Summer? And that it stars a girl named Summer? And that "Christmas" is her dog?

Though nothing we found tops this German film:

So... you conservative types out there protesting every time you catch a retail chain failing to wish every customer a Merry Christmas, you who are complaining that commercialization has taken away its religious context... did you know about the bi-sexual strap-on three-way Santa porno?

Because it seems like you should have said something about that.

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

For more holiday bastardizations, check out The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World and 11 Tasteless Holiday Decorations.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.18.2009) to see Santa Brockway (getting drunk off eggnog).

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