#3. Become a Human Lie Detector
Any secret agent worth his hidden cyanide pills is going to have to be prepared for intense negotiations. Whether you've captured a deadly SPECTRE double-agent working as an MI6 janitor, or are just buying a used car, you've got to be able to tell when the enemy is lying through his teeth to you, and how to best disguise the fact that you're lying through your teeth at the same time.
Also you can be like that guy in Lie to Me, for the few of you who watch that show.
This particular double-oh technique has been cleverly disguised as a business management lecture lasting only a few hours, steeped in the psychology of human information processing and body language. With it, the course website claims, you'll be able to tell when a salesmen is lying to you (hint: it's always), your employees are lying to you (also always) and even when your own children are stretching the truth (again, always).
Then you can watch as paranoia creeps in from the corners of your mind, slowly replacing lesser human emotions like "trust" and "compassion." Become like the masters, believing no one and slowly losing any connection you have to humanity as you realize the innocent gestures of everyone around you are shrouded in half-truths and outright falsehoods, a crippling realization that will plummet you into an endless cycle of despair and alcoholism. Your mother tells you she loves you... and you see the lie in her eyes.
Interesting to note is that at no point does the literature ever mention the moral ramifications of studying, in depth, the physical and conversational gestures that give away lying behavior, and how studying them in this way by definition gives the student an easy way to cover up their own falsehoods in order to advance their own agenda. Happy schooling, you shady bastards!
#2. Stiletto Spy School
We admit we sometimes neglect the ladies in our articles, and just because you lack James Bond's genitals doesn't mean you can't live the life of a super spy.
In fact, there is a class just for you...
The Stiletto Spy School is an all-in-one anti-terrorism class designed especially for females with extra helpings of "kick-ass" and "hell yes" far beyond anything seen thus far. It is exactly what Sex and the City would look like if directed by Michael Bay, compressed into a four-day class and somehow made precisely as awesome as its components are shitty.
What's so special about this school is that, when it comes to being a super secret agent, every base is covered. Need to fit in at a classy dinner thrown by an unscrupulous warlord? You'll spend plenty of time studying "Etiquette," "Wine Pairing" and "Martini Mixology." What about making contacts among shady folks at an underground speakeasy? Classes in poker skills and pool should give you an edge. Locked in a Turkish prison with only a bit of string and a paperclip? Learn how to use MacGyver skills to save the free world. And no, that's not some kind of exaggeration: There is literally an entire section called "MacGyver Skills." Yes, that sentence just happened, and it makes every single year of your normal education seem worthless in comparison.
Certainly no class in spying would be complete without teaching you how to bring down epic quantities of sheer, terrifying violence on your enemies, and holy hell does this one deliver: What starts with simple, conceptual "Threat Elimination" leads quickly to classes in "Hand-to-Hand Combat," "Knife Fighting," "Extreme Firepower" and either "Samurai Sword Training" or "Swat Team Training" depending on which state you take the class in.
We assume this is what Florida's combat training is like.
By the end of this training, any woman will have a hundred better ways to shoot down Creepy Dave from Accounting than awkward silence and made-up prior engagements.
And, of course, no gathering of several women would be complete without mandatory "Salon Time," proving that some things will apparently never change no matter how many coins are emblazoned with the likeness of Susan B. Anthony.
Coins are stupid.
If our overwhelmingly male readership is feeling left out at this point, fret not: The fine folks running the Stiletto School have deemed it fit to host similar training sessions for men. These male oriented classes are mostly the same, with the addition of the highly-phallocentric "Cigar Tasting" but the notable absence of "Seduction and Flirtation," which is, sadly, only available to women. But you didn't need that class anyway. Right, stud?
#1. Urban Escape and Evasion
If you're the kind of person who used this article as a checklist for life skills, then you're going to have to come to grips with the fact that someday, the law will hunt you down. Whether it's because you picked the lock to the Department of Defense headquarters using only lipstick and tampons, or just killed some dudes with a poison dart for lying about bugging your office, by this point your spy chops will be well beyond what is legally defined as "allowably huge."
When that happens, you best be prepared to run and melt away into the vast urban jungle, or, if you weren't fast enough, escape from captivity to the souped-up Honda that you will inevitably use to Tokyo drift your way to freedom. When that time comes, On Point Tactical can help.
Over the course of two days, you'll learn about everything from forging papers to picking locks to "escaping unlawful custody." It's fascinating how many felonies a person can get away with learning by promising to only use them against terrorists.
The final exam for the course is like most final exams, in that it will cover the material learned, make most people nauseous and be at an ungodly hour in the morning.
"Stay awake, dammit! Focus!"
It is unlike most final exams in that you are stuffed in a shroud, handcuffed, tossed in the trunk of a car and abandoned on one end of a city, all the while forced on a scavenger hunt around town while bounty hunters are unleashed to track you down. Go ahead, read that sentence again. We did the math: It is not possible to put any number of words together in any language and have it come out more staggeringly awesome than that.
Congratulations. You are now Rambo.
All this... for the basic version of the course. There's a more advanced session, for those who have completed the first. This advanced session should come in handy for those times when you find yourself needing to overthrow a brutal dictator while traveling on a bus that can't dip below 50-mph lest it explode all while you have live bomb strapped to your neck set to detonate in 45 minutes.
You never know, that shit could happen.
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Also check out how you can become a mutant someday, in 5 Superpowers Science Will Give Us in Our Lifetime. Or make sure you don't end up becoming the bad guy by checking out 5 Signs That You're a Villain in a Hollywood Action Movie.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.18.2009) because you have to stop looking porn at some point.