Cracked Round-Up: DIY Edition
Write your own mildly amusing opening paragraph, you cretinous comedy leeches. Day in and day out we slave to make humor for you, and you can't even pick up the ball on one day of the week? To hell with you! We're going away and taking our ball with us.
New columnist Cody started us off this week with an article about the horrors behind Full House. Bucholz followed up with an article about the ridiculous history of personal transportation, while Brockway huffed exhaust and wrote a children's book. Next, seanbaby staggered into work late (and drunk) with an article about Aquaman. Dan O'Brien closed us off by singing the praises of our chimpanzee overlords.
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HOAX
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 5 Myths That People Don't Realize Are Admitted Hoaxes
This article just goes to show that crazy people don't listen to things like 'logic' and 'proof'. Arguing with them is a waste of time. Instead, spend your conversations trying to convince them of increasingly crazier beliefs. If you can't spread knowledge, you can at least make ignorance a little easier to spot. |
Notable Comment: PissMaster asks, "The crop circles can be easily faked, I'll give you that much. But just how in the fAAACK do you explain the YouTube footage of that glowing white orb hovering around the grass and forming them crop circles with some mysterious gravitational field? Hmm. Answer that one, wankers. "
That would be completely inexplicable in a world without video image editing software.|
WHAT
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 6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain
Where are all of your answers now, SCIENCE?! Come on everyone, let's go back to worshipping the sun until they can explain blushing. |
Notable Comment: "My children are always grabbing my crotch. Don't think I could support their weight, though. Probably shouldn't post this, makes me sound like some kind of deviant. "
We're saving this post for posterity (and the inevitable court case), monstermunch.
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FAILURE
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 6 Movie Heroes (Who Sucked At Their Jobs)
It's a sad truth that, oftentimes, dramatic tension relies on the main character being a fucktard. |
Notable Comment: "You could have included Ace Ventura or Blankman on your list. Of course, maybe you didn't because theywere SUPPOSED to suck at thier job."
Hubcap, you take back what you said about Ace Ventura right this instant.|
MAGICK
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 5 Forms of Black Magic That Science Is Making Possible
We take back what we said, science. You're awesome! |
Notable Comment:"NOBODY CAN PREDICT the futue bUT gOD "
Congratulations, pizzacat, this might be the worst-written comment we've ever seen. Stay gold, buddy.|
TERRIBLE
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 5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels
This is terribly hard for any fan to hear, but sometimes a series just needs to end. Otherwise...well, you get shit like this. |
Notable Comment: col_p asks; "less Star Wars, more of that redhead "
Our thoughts exactly, fknrat.|
Michael Swaim
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6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of Learn some originality, you dullards!
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 The World of Tomorrow (If The Internet Disappeared Today)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, How to REALLY Scare People On Halloween
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WINNERS! The Craption Contest!
Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.
10.22.09:
Sarah Palin unveils her first 2012 campaign poster.
by CavalierX
Editor's pick:
...and that's how I became a son of a gun.
by fish11th
10.21.09:
How much do you want to bet that the pilot is a woman?
by Copperpot
Editor's pick:
Is this the Highway Kenny Loggins was singing about?
by Mr.Excalibur
10.20.09:
"This is not the nightclub you're looking for."
by geniuswaitress
Editor's pick:
""Don't worry, baby. I don't need a condom. We have terrible aim."
by ChaseMitchell
10.19.09:
Not pictured: a crowd of giant hamsters pointing and laughing.
by CavalierX
Editor's pick:
It's a cock ring. You can tell by the dick inside of it.
by Backinblack
10.18.09:
"You wanna see the Dark Side of the moon?"
by thisisme_ari
Editor's pick:
Early censorship bars were more whimsical.
by geniuswaitress
10.17.09:
Japan. No caption required.
by Error
Editor's pick:
You know how Meatloaf sings "I would do anything for love . . . but I won't do THAT" ? Well, this is what he means by THAT.
by Julius_Goat
10.16.09:
Fun fact: These guys are exactly 1001 yards from the school playground they are photographing.
by Julius_Goat
Editor's pick:
The only naked breasts those men will see today are their own.
by jtklove
My best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire manRonald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via -----successfulmingle.℃О'M------- ..it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !-------but you can mee one, the most important is you can find your** true l-o-v-e**! right?
ReplyMy best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire manRonald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via -----successfulmingle.℃О'M------- ..it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !-------but you can mee one, the most important is you can find your** true l-o-v-e**! right?
ReplyMy best friend ,she just has announced her wedding with a millionaire manRonald who is the CEO of a MNC !they met via -----successfulmingle.℃О'M------- ..it is the largest and best club for wealthy people and their admirers to chat online. …you don’t have to be rich there ,but you can meet one , It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !-------but you can mee one, the most important is you can find your** true l-o-v-e**! right?
ReplyI take issue with that first paragraph that you, the Cracked employees, work hard to entertain us while we, the readership, never ever give you anything in return. Look at all the Topics pages! Sure, they're only worth reading about 15% of the time, but still. You people have cushy jobs. And the Photoshop contests are normally funnier than the columnist posts, so really, it's US who slave for YOU. Now say thank you.
ReplyNo, they won't. Because we don't thank them for being fuckin' free and hilarious.
little known fact, pizzacat actually tastes like chicken or is that catpizza , what the fuck ever.
ReplyAre you kidding me? The craption photo from 10.19.09 is from a skit in a circus show called Cabaret Vertigo, which was a performance by students of the National Institute of Circus Arts here in Melbourne. At the start of the piece, that ring had a fabric apple stretched over it, and the girl is dressed as a caterpillar.
ReplyIt was an absolutely awesome performance and I'm now reeling from the most likely scenario: somebody from NICA or on the Swinburne Arts Campus is reading Cracked. I mean someone apart from me.
I will find you.
It's not an insult, it just looks stupid to anyone who isn't a pretentious dick.
Pizzacat has taken over as main troll on these cracked baords.
Replyhaha pizzacat is kind of brain dead when it comes to her comments
ReplyI've never been first before.
Reply