#2. AMERICAN HISTORY X
The Aim: To show the world that skinheads are big meanies.
The Clueless White Guy(s) Who Fucked It Up: Tony Kaye and Edward Norton, the artiste who wrote and directed the movie, and the spoiled snot who jacked the movie in the editing room and cut the fuck out if it, respectively.
How They Fucked It Up: This is a movie whose entire message of forgiveness and reconciliation hinges on the idea that a murderous skinhead can be redeemed because a black guy in prison can be funny while washing the underwear of rapists and child molesters.
That's all it takes to wipe away an entire life of racism and make a hero out of Edward Norton. First he indoctrinates a bunch of idiot white kids into a neo-nazi group, then he symbolically asserts dominance over the black race via a playground game of basketball, and he does it with professional tub-o-guts Ethan Suplee on his team.
"I don't care if you got Magic, Michael, Bird and Shaq on your squad, you are NOT WINNING with this guy."
And then (slow music swells) he recognizes that black people are funny, and the movie says, "Well, that's good enough, I guess. You're a decent human being now, worthy of being rooted for! Go and save your shithead little brother, Captain Curbstomp! Save Eddie Furlong in the name of racial equality!"
Oh shit, I guess the transformative power of bad standup comedy isn't enough, is it. It wasn't even close to enough. It was close to simplistic bullshit that says the best way to combat racism is to carpet-bomb Idaho with Def Comedy Jam DVDs, when everyone knows just regular old carpet-bombing will do.
#1. DRIVING MISS DAISY
The Aim: To show that with time, even the most closed-minded human being will recognize that down deep, we're much more alike than we are different.
The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked It Up: Bruce Beresford.
How He Fucked It Up: Not that the Oscars are really worth a shit anyway, but fuck this movie for winning Best Picture over Do the Right Thing in 1989. I'm not saying that because I'm a huge Spike Lee fan. He willingly roots for the Knicks and he made Girl 6, two transgressions that put him just above "Freelance Babypuncher" in my book. But Do the Right Thing was an honest, evocative examination of why America just can't get over its own inherent racism, and it lost to Miss Daisy, a film rewarded for teaching audiences a Very Important Lesson: Nothing fosters understanding like decades long servitude to a pruny, rich bitch who talks so much shit her teeth are literally brown.
Four out of five dentists agree: Don't brush your teeth with Racism, the #3 leading cause of gingivitis."
This film prepared Morgan Freeman for his role as God in Bruce Almighty, calling for a level of forgiveness that Jesus himself didn't have. I figure Jesus would have lasted five minutes before he snapped, shot Miss Daisy in her shitty mouth and then drove the car into a fucking volcano.
"Eternal Oblivion beats schlepping this bitch around."
Insult to injury? Freeman's character is named "Hoke." You can't just give the guy a regular name? It can't be "Jack" or "Bill" or something? Hoke is the sound your throat makes when something is lodged there. Something like the saccharine, bilious vomit about to drown your mouth after enduring Driving Miss Daisy.
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For more from Fatboy, check out 5 Reasons It Sucks Being a Joss Whedon Fan and The Informant! Is Not As Bad As The Ads Want You to Believe.
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