The 5 Most Unintentionally Racist Movies About Racism
On Saturday we sometimes ask people whose writing we like to fill in for us. Our readers get to read something a little different, and we get to finish giving our dog full-body cornrows. Today's guest column is from the Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts, who's written movie reviews, and film commentary for Ain't It Cool News. Today he takes a look back at some films that didn't know they were being racist.
Congratulations, America! Now that we've elected a black president, there's no more racism! But don't be so modest, crackers--go ahead, pat yourselves on the back! If it wasn't for you making a bunch of well-meaning but ham-handed and accidentally racist films, why, the rest of us would have never learned our lessons! Hail our conquering heroes, the real champions of equality in America...
#5.
GLORY
The Aim: To tell the story of the Civil War's first company of black soldiers, literally fighting for their own freedom and humanity.
The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked it Up: Ed Zwick, director of The Last Samurai (starring Tom Cruise as the last samurai) and Blood Diamond (starring Leonardo DiCaprio as an African). You can already see a pattern here.
How He Fucked it Up: He cast Denzel Washington, Andre Braugher and Morgan Freeman (great!), and then centered the movie squarely on Ferris-fucking-Bueller (what the fuck!?)
The face of black struggle in America.
Now, Zwick is sorta handcuffed here because his script is based on the letters that Colonel Robert Shaw sent to his family. And not THAT Robert Shaw. Although if a civil war were ever fought against slave-owning, secessionist sharks, it'd be Colonel Quint's company that saved our country.
"Earn This."
But still, for every scene where Freeman and Washington are successfully conveying the emotion, the pain and the strength needed to fight for a country that considers you less than human, there are three scenes where Zwick cuts to Broderick moping aimlessly like someone shit in his Cheerios. Because in Zwickworld, there's no way a white audience could possibly know they're supposed to feel bad about slavery unless Ferris Bueller shuffles around his tent like Michael Cera at a Civil War reenactment.
#4.
CRASH
The Aim: To shed a light on everyday prejudices and how quietly destructive they can be when left to simmer for too long.
The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked It Up: Paul Haggis, creator of Walker, Texas Ranger.
How He Fucked It Up: Haggis had his car stolen from him one night, and like most sane people who are robbed at gunpoint, he went home and wrote a sympathetic screenplay about his attackers. In Haggis's case, "sympathetic" means he turned them into Heckle 'n' Jeckyl, and wrote everyone in the film to be shrill, stupid stereotypes hiding their prejudice under a thin veneer of sophistication.
It won a ton of Oscars for being a thought-provoking and insightful look at prejudice in America. Seems almost impossible to concisely sum-up, right?
There. That's the essence of Crash, distilled into its purest form. I just saved you 90 minutes and a stress headache, without losing an ounce of subtlety and nuance. Plus it dramatically reduces unnecessary exposure to Sandra Bullock.
#3.
The Toy
The Aim: To teach children about the importance of family and friendship, and the worth of sharing and generosity.
The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked It Up: Richard Donner, director of Superman and The Omen.
How He Fucked it Up: By attempting to make slavery cute and adorable.
Donner's no stranger to being accidentally insensitive to black people. For a man who made "Verisimilitude!" the mantra of the Superman production, it sure didn't apply to the black populace of Metropolis, the entirety of which was one dude. Who was a pimp. And took time out of his busy day selling ass to congratulate Superman on his "bad out-FIT" before whooing like Ric Flair.
"That's what black people are like, right, Tom? You sure we're not being too conservative?"
But The Toy is the ultimate example of Hollywood's isolation from anything even remotely resembling the real world. Because sane people with a tenuous connection to reality would have noticed that the plot of the movie hinges on Jackie Gleason purchasing a black man for his son to play with.
And it's not as if Richard Pryor starts the movie with a shred of dignity and then has his pride slowly disemboweled by a sniveling, 12-year-old, fuckhead named "Master Bates." No, Pryor is a janitor, chosen to be "The Toy" because he's funny when he bugs his eyes out and bumps into things. As his reward, he gets firecrackers shot at his face.
"This hurts my soul so much. You don't even know. I've burnt my own face off while smoking rock and that didn't hurt like this does."
In it's defense, the movie does contain a facile attempt to make up for promoting slavery as a pillar of family strength, by having Masterbates and Pryor wreck a Ku Klux Klan fundraiser. It couldn't be any more halfheartedly apologetic if the movie stopped and Donner poked his head into frame and said, "No, it's OK. I have loads of black friends. It's cool."
This list was ...pretty mean spirited I have to say. I mean Crash is a success for all intents and purposes.Well maybe it did use stereotypes But its about cultures crashing in modern society. Of course it has stereotypes. There are differences between blatantly offensive stereotypes and stereotypes that are rooted in reality to some degree.
ReplyAnd American History X was executed far better than you made it sound.
Try googling #3
Reply"The Toy, Master Bates"
The thing about "The Toy" is, it wasn't slavery at all...I mean - Richard Pryor's character was paid out the ass to follow that little bastard around and play with him. The dude was able to pay off his housing debt, for crying out loud. He had the ability to just walk away with no fear of being tracked down, and beaten - or having his foot chopped off to prevent him from running again. It was a job - plain and simple. I wouldn't mind getting several thousand dollars for a week or so of dealing with some prepubescent little turd.
ReplyWell, you could be a public school teacher, but then that whole "several thousand dollars a week" thing wouldn't really apply....
So did fatboy even watch any of these movies, or did he just skim the first paragraph on the back of the DVDs? This is not even close to the high standard of witticism, research, and dick jokes we've come to expect from Cracked.
ReplyIt took you nearly 3 years to come up with that response. Cracked writers churn out articles every week. Your reply, even if it contained "up-to-standard" witticisms, wouldn't have made the deadline.
Did the writer of this article even watch American History X? Edward Norton didn't renounce white supremacy because of "a funny black guy" he changed because when he was reduced to a grub like the rest of the prisoners, it started to dawn on him that people are people, good and bad, no matter what race they are.
ReplyWatch the movie next time.
I think the real reason American History X is unintentionally racist is because the black kid pulls a gun and murders Edward Furlong without much provocation at the end, seemingly justifying the view of blacks as criminal scum, in fact was there a black character in the film who wasn't some type of criminal?
ReplyBen Sisko? Er, I mean, Avery Brooks?
This movie left me with the basic message that "violence begets violence". Like it's all pointless and the same bullshit, just with different faces and names...
Also Donner liked putting confederate flags in the background! s**t ton of those in the toy. oh and master bates is now working in the porn industry with a character named - and I wish I was joking- "Dr. has a chub".
ReplyThis article was hilarious, but only because of how completely, tragically wrong and misguided it is.
ReplyYour comment was hilarious, but only because of how completely, tragically wrong and misguided it is.
I love how this article is about "unintentional racism" and yet it has a PREDESIGNATED section under each entry entitled "The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked It Up" because, of course, when you're talking racism it's a foregone conclusion that there was a white male involved. The irony here is just appalling.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWhoever gave that comment a thumbs down, f**k you!
Suppose you were mugged and you went to the police station to report it and they handed you a form that had an area marked, "Description of the Black Man that assaulted you:" You don't think that would be incredibly offensive? But yet when someone puts together an article about racism and they design it to have an area ALREADY marked, "The Clueless White Guy Who Fucked it Up:" that's okay? You have to give me a thumbs down because white people aren't allowed to complain about the stereotype that we're all clueless racist dipshits? f**k YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never seen someone care so much that he got a thumbs down.
I care too much :D
Dude, wtf?! Edward Norton's character didn't stop being racist because 'black people are funny", the relationship between him and the black guy he worked with (whose name escapes me) was built over time, not to mention he didn't like the hypocritial actions of the prison nazis (i.e. hating minorities, yet doing business with them). Not mention once Norton decided to disassociate himself from the prison nazi's, it's was the black guy, the person that he started off hating the most, that kept his ass intact for the most part of his prison stay (not including the nazi-rape shower scene which will be forever scarred into my brain).
ReplyOr in other words, f**k you, American History X was a great movie.
Seriously agree with you there! It was a fear of the unknown dilemma and once they two got to know each other it opened Derek's eyes. It's not a cut a dry movie because life isn't cut and dry!
This is a pretty poor article. It's unfunny, un-educated and light on details. Shoddy work.
Reply^^This is a pretty poor comment. It's unfunny, uneducated and light on details. Shoddy comment.
"The 1 Most Unintentionally Racist Article About Racism"
ReplyBrilliant!
wow, this was a s****y article.
Replyand American history X was a damn good redemption story, f**k off bobby "fatass" mcdonald, and never write for cracked again.
"Redemption" because "skinheads are big meanies", which the main character was. He was a skinhead...The article even mentions that the movie was about redemption, you assface...Then again, you probably watched it because you're a f*****g skinhead...Right?
You mean, Driving Miss Daisy wasn't supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? And here, all this time I thought it was a snarky comment on how America thinks it has left racism behind just because it has gotten rid of major problems like slavery, Jim Crow laws, and "separate but equal." I know people who think they are enlightened because they make polite chit-chat with the help, and remember their birthdays, and let them use the front door, instead of treating them like appliances, and I thought the film was making fun of those people. (Hint: if they do everything but wipe your ass, and chew your food, referring to them as "help" is a misnomer.)
ReplyAnd the film was actually affirming their beliefs. Well, shit.
I was all ready to come and make some comment about the first, and maybe greatest example of this was in 1916, when DW Griffith made a film called Intolerance, when was about how people should hate other people for being different. He spent over a million 1916 dollars on it, which, adjusted for inflation, is something like Jurassic Park, Titanic, and Avatar put together, and it was five hours long. It was supposed to be an apology for all the feelings he hurt when he made Birth of a Nation. Unfortunately, in Intolerance, he managed to draw a caricature of first century Jews that would make Mel Gibson cry foul, so, he owes us a third movie.
Dude r u black?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI swear some people will find anything racist for any reason. Seriously those are the best u could do? What a joke.
American History X??? That's not unintentional in anyway, u do know why they're Nazi's in the first place right? They're father was killed in a drive-by by blacks. The hated for that reason and he didn't decide that they worth the time because they were funny but because their attitude was better than expected in that situation. And nah he shouldn't go save his brother because u know, IT'S HIS BROTHER. That part had nothing to do with equality and everything to do with family. He had changed and wanted to get through to his brother.
You want something unintentionally racist? Watch 'The Smurfs'.
U have a bunch of 'people' (for lack of a better term), all the same colour, running around wearing white pointy hats and the leader of them all wears a red one.
Because someone who misreads racism into situations where there arguable is none must be black. In case it need be said, that's not exactly a post-racial sentiment.
SouthernEli; Am I supposed to shy away from asking a clarifying question because someone may think that I'm white and not very PC? I am very well aware that whites, blacks, asians eet al are likely to have very similar reactions to racial topics.
But I also think everyone needs to lighten the hell up. If people didn't take comments so seriously all the time we wouldn't have to walk on egg shells so much.
No, but you should read the entire AND comprehend f*****g articles before making uneducated comments about them. And for the record, these movies had over-the-top racist themes...
That was the whole point of the movies in the first place. Racism was the theme, not an underlying theme.
eet al
I'm not gonna sit here and call 'DMD' some wonderful treatise on racial relations, but 'DTRT' is clumsy and incredibly overrated.
ReplyUnfortunately, I agree with almost everyone else on here. This was spectacularly bad.
ReplyI completely disagree about "Crash." It is the only one of the movies I have seen but I liked it. It shows how racism is everywhere and people are all involved in racism in both ways; the victim and the perpetrator. It is telling us that we cannot defeat racism until we discard our own prejudices and judge individuals for their own actions. I don't believe "Crash" would help promote racism in any way. It makes you think about your own biases and judging people by their looks. This lesson can be applied to so many things in life and it is a universal moral. It is a great movie and I don't understand why it's on the list.
ReplyWhy isn't Soul man on this list?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesbecause it was made by a black guy, and black people arent racists
Ugh. That was a sloppy one.
I know tons of black racists. However, racism is far more common amongst whites. Just look at Youtube. Look up almost any video posted by a black person. You'll notice a lot of "nigger" comments. On the other hand, look at every other white video and tell me how many times you see the word "cracker" or "honky"...
What about Pootie Tang?
Thing is... Col. Robert Gould Shaw did look a lot like Matthew Broderick. Seriously, no joking at all, that was a good choice for casting. Maybe it should have focused on the enlisted and the stigma the north had towards blacks and other stuff, but Col. Shaw was the commanding officer of the 54th Massachusetts and Matthew Broderick looks the part.
ReplyThe author's point is taken, though. The movie feels sloppy, because it can't decide whether it is about the soldiers' struggles, or about Shaw. The soldiers' story is more dramatic, but Shaw's story is a fact of history, with real documents, and he was a real person, who was fascinating in his own right. It was a tough call, and the director tried to have it both ways. That's why the film ended up looking sloppy.
I wish he'd made two films at the same time, one, a Shaw biopic, and the other a movie about the soldiers, with Shaw as a minor character, using both casts, then played them as a double feature. Two bad the audiences for double features went out with the 70s.