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There's nothing wrong with home security, but if you find your "protection" involves shotguns hidden in cereal boxes and electrocuting microwaves, you've probably crossed a line somewhere. That would be the line between "safety conscious" and "deranged lunatic." On the plus side, hey, you made a Cracked list! #6.
Louis Dethy's Death-y House
The Backstory: Louis Dethy was a Belgian family man. He had a wife and 14 kids and if that seems excessive to you, then holy shit keep reading. Put yourself in Louis Dethy's position: You had a wife and a bunch of kids, but you cheated on your wife, because you are a cockhammer, and she took all of those kids away in the divorce. You, in turn, refused to forgive them for leaving you, and then your whole family turned on you (and rightfully so). Your mother (who paid for the house in which you live), is cutting you out of her will and leaving the house to your daughter. What do you, Louis Dethy, with your proud history of total dickishness, do? (Please just stop trying to think of what Louis Dethy would do, there's no way you're quite as street-rat-crazy as he is. You're never gonna get it.) The Execution: Dethy decided that, in the event that he got evicted from his house, whoever moved in was in for a festival of firearms. As a last-ditch revenge plot against his family, he rigged more than a dozen shotguns all over his house: a crate of beer that would trigger a shotgun when enough bottles were removed, a trunk full of money in the attic rigged to blow your head off, the television had a shotgun rigged to it and even the water tank had more shotgun.
He wrote out a series of codes and riddles to help him remember where the shotguns were hidden, because he was clever; but he forgot to consult them and eventually shot himself in the head, because he's retarded.
The traps were so well-hidden and elaborate that it took a military anti-mining team three weeks to disarm 19 of them, which involved taking the entire three-story house apart. By the way, there were supposed be 20 traps, according to Dethy's notes. The anti-mining team couldn't find the 20th, so they just assumed he hadn't built it, the kind of "eh, fuck it" attitude we look for in the Belgian military. Want to drive yourself crazy for a few hours? The final clue was "The 12 Apostles are ready to work on the pebbles." Our best guesses so far: 1) A shotgun wedged between a Bible and a DVD of Flintstones episodes or 2) A statue of some religious figure aiming a shotgun at your junk. #5.
Jumer Selimovski's Electrified Roof
The Backstory: In 2004, a man tried to stab Jumer Selimovski, who retaliated by shooting the man in the hand. Since then, Jumer hasn't felt safe, so he picked up his family and moved elsewhere. Even in the new house he didn't feel safe, believing he heard footsteps on his roof and swearing to cops that he was the victim of "disturbing events." We couldn't find any details, but this is Australia, where they wake up and have to kill five of the most deadly insects on Earth to go to the crapper, so we're guessing this was a bit more intense than your usual drunken shenanigans. So, with a family to protect, he did what any sane man would do.
The Execution: Namely, he electrified the living shit out of his roof. Selimovski screwed two exposed wires into his gutters, carrying a 254-volt punch. If that doesn't sound like much to you, it's because you don't know much about roofs, or electricity--or if you do, you certainly don't know anything about combining the two. It was more than enough to give anybody hanging off his gutters burns, painful shocks, cardiac arrest and death. Unfortunately, area fires that were astonishingly unrelated to the electrified death trap that was Jumer's roof ended up destroying the house entirely. Also, since Jumer was fairly new to the area and not officially a resident of the town, he was not eligible for disaster relief. And since the police had to inspect his house after the damages, he has since been convicted of laying a trap without caring who got hurt by it and will likely face fines. Well, that's what you get for... shooting a stabber and trying to protect your family? Really? This is the worst story we've ever heard. #4.
Langley Collyer's Trash Mansion
The Backstory: Let's go back to the early 1900s. Langley and Homer Collyer were both kind of nuts, but Langley takes the crown. Once Homer went blind, Langley dedicated himself to his brother full time. This sounds touching until you realize that meant he made sure his brother didn't visit a doctor or, really, anyone ever again. Did we mention Langley was a compulsive hoarder, winding up with 103-tons of useless shit by the time he died? Like, as in, a canoe in his attic and a car in his basement, neither of which he ever used? It's true, the mansion was like a lunatic museum of horseshit and the Collyer brothers were the curators, patrons and security guards.
The Execution: Langley, since he had an engineering degree and a seemingly limitless desire to drag home huge piles of garbage, set about filling the mansion with this trash and turning it into a maze only he could navigate through. The maze was littered with tripwires that would drop massive amounts of the crap right on top of your head at any given moment. Not that you'd even get a chance to die in the maze. When a local bank tried to evict the Collyers, a team of locksmiths found that pretty much every actual entrance to the place was blocked by massive amounts of immovable garbage. The bank gave up trying to throw the Collyers out because they couldn't get into the place, and banks love throwing people out of houses. They eat that shit up. So, you know, point: Langley. The logic of sticking your blind brother in the middle of a deadly maze for his "protection" notwithstanding, this was all part of Langley's plan. See, Langley wasn't paranoid, like Jumer, and he wasn't a drooling moron, like Ian Price; all he ever wanted was to be left alone. Is that such a crime? What about when it involves barricading your blind brother in a twisting fortress of garbage, loose antiques and (eventually, we'd imagine), human feces? Then is it a crime? Yes? Oh.
In 1947, after years of troubling gossip and persistent whispers about the strange Collyer brothers, the cops got a call that Homer was dead and finally went in to investigate. They broke in through a window and, sure enough, Homer was dead of a heart attack. A couple of weeks later, they found Langley, who in a fit of irony had triggered his own booby trap and been crushed to death under a huge pile of newspapers. By the way, the chair Homer died in, better known as the "Collyer Death Chair" is currently owned by Babette Bombshell, star of the movie CockHammer. That has little to do with this story, it's just so rare that we get a chance to use the word "cockhammer" in an article. |
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hmm, IronicTonic, we got a problem. it seems your sense of humor is malfunctioning. why insane armaments bring to mind right-wing militias and not left-wing liberal fruitcakes should be a very simple matter for anyone with a few braincells to rub together. it's not biased, it just makes no sense to point at someone surrounded by bombs and booby-traps and say "stupid liberal peace-loving hippie!"
Dude, I´m not even American and I find you republicans annoying. Really. Even with all the bad politicians in the world, you guys still manage to look dumber and more retarded than all of them. And as you whine and b***h about something 80% of the whole f**king planet thinks it´s a good, progressive thing - the election of a black president in a white bigoted country - the only conclusion we get is that you guys are really in the wrong. And then you guys complain about a comedy article being, well, comical, and then you guys just look plain stupid. That being said, Cracked is a great site and I´m already addicted to it. You guys are so f**king funny! And boy, are these people bats**t crazy and stupid. (Hmmm that makes the right-wing comment oh so appropriate...)
Italiangoddess sucks. Cracked rules.
Great post.I would like to say Langley Collyer's Trash Mansion that I dont like it. I’m probably going to ignore them.... [url=http://www.zoombits.co.uk/christmas-gifts]christmas stocking fillers[/url]
i like how out of the whole article people b**ch about right wing militia comments whiny little runts arent they? oh and c**khammer
Aww, poor IronicTonic, did he get his feelings hurt by a comedy article? Watch out for that apartment, I hear it kills babies.
He was probably just trying to do the left-wing liberal fruitcake version of Daddy Daycare. See? I can say ridiculous and pointless things that unnecessarily insert my own political bias. Can I be a cracked writer too?
Republicans suck. *gigglesnort*
Kindahuge-More clever stuff eh boy. You witster you...
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Why you mad?
I love how right-wing militia is thrown in for the top spot when the guy's political leanings aren't mentioned at all and he's probably too crazy to even have any. Fucking obama-sucking n****rloving cracked authors.
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My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
Dongtacular COCKHAMMER !!!
This is my first post, so I would firstly like to point out that it seems redundant and odd, that the profanity in the article is not optional, but is in the comments? and secondly, the one about the dude who sold dangerous goods to children... the article linked implies that there were six bombs, not four. (Told the police about two, but they "discovered four more") Just for accuracy's sake, and proving that he was a super douche. I love cracked by the way.
Even republicans hate italiangoddess.
COCKHAMMER!
italian, go choke on your own vomit or something. Cracked has always incorporated politics in to articles. Probably since before you were born. Stfu.
thanks for the great ideas!
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