Cracked Round-Up: Fall Edition
The mailman has just delivered our 4th quarterly shipment of Canadian painkillers and research chemicals, which can only mean one thing; Fall is here! It's time for drunken costume parties, rum-soaked feasts, and pumpkin-and-codeine smoothies
dangers of space travel and douchebag co-workers. Brockway followed up with an article about real-life epic mounts, while seanbaby provided the world with a superior answer to Maxim. DOB closed us off with a look inside the erotic fiction industry.
|5 Ways You're Secretly Being Monitored
What good is privacy, anyway?
Notable Comment: "Every time I read an article like this I wonder if the government wouldn't keep a special eye on people who read articles like this. Shit, now I've commented. I'm so on someone's list now."You're on our list, Lakonislate. Our list of assholes.
|7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their penises.
Notable Comment: "Oh, and ladies, here's Pelcurus's free sex tip #1. Don't waste your time telling your man he's going in the wrong hole. He's not. That's the exact hole he's going for."
And in one fell swoop, pelcurus disqualifies himself from any form of public office or babysitting job.
|5 Irrational Fears (Even Rational People Have)
Deep down, we're all terrified, horny animals acting out of fear, lust, and convenience. That is why proctologists will always have work, and why Internet comedians will always have material.
Notable Comment: "Fear of black people should be on the list. "Vagitoe, this article was about irrational fears rational people have.
|7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
This is what happens when you let people drop tons of acid and then direct children's movies.
Notable Comment:"There is a story about Robert Helpmann (the guy who plays the childcatcher). His nephews had just watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; clearly, they recognized their uncle as the creepy candy-selling maniac from the film. Freaked out of their little minds, they asked their parents whether Uncle Robert was really a childcatcher. To convince the children that he wasn't actually the character that he plays in the film, the parents called Robert Helpmann up. When he picked up, he whispered "I have a little secret....... I really AM the childcatcher!". What an awesome guy. "We have no way of knowing if this is true, odeed, but we really hope so.
|5 Authors More Badass Than The Badass Character They Created
Now the trick is to get the ladies to believe that all writers are this badass.
Notable Comment: col_p asks; "For the record, I've been to Hemingway's house in Key West, and it's awesome. Also, he kept it stocked with a huge amount of six-toed cats. "Everyone needs a hobby, Literacy.
YOU YOU YOU!
|The Collateral Damage Video Games Never Show
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, How Culture Would Change If The Internet Vanished
Maybe someone should put up a sticky note about getting a suggestion box.
The Great Wall of Health Code Violations
In Soviet Russia, Penis enlarges PILL!
It must be a laxative, because every Craption I've seen so far is shitty.
"Using hydrogen for these ballons was a great idea, can't wait for the Hindenburg show tomorrow!"
"I'm right by the John Goodman and Sarah Jessica Parker floats."
by Dunstin Checks Out
Will someone tell Woody Harrelson I found his backpack.
He's going to feel so silly when he realizes that he's protesting to legalize oak leaves.
How lesbians get nailed.
Mary-Kate and Ashley finally release the movie we've all really been waiting for.
... and by transformers 5, they had just stopped trying.
by Sev Squad
The truckers' secret handshake.
I... wanna hide and seek all night.... and potty e-ver-y day.