#2. Superweapons That Make the Death Star Look Like a Pile of Shit
As Seen In: Jedi Academy Trilogy and, once again, Dark Empire
All right, so maybe you think we were taking it too far when we said destroying the Death Star(s) didn't really change anything. After all, clearly these weapons were taking the Empire's power to a new level. The Death Stars were to be a planet-destroying game-changer, forever cementing their hold on the galaxy.
So if nothing else, taking them out dealt a serious blow to their plans.
Not So Fast...
You know how in a sequel, you have to keep making everything bigger and better? Even when it doesn't make sense, a.k.a. the "Why Didn't They Just Send The Liquid Metal Terminator The First Time" principle?
Well, in the course of the Extended Universe stories, dozens of other, more powerful superweapons are introduced, some so over-the-top that, in retrospect, taking out the Death Star should've been right below "Remember to take Mittens to the vet" on the Rebel's To-Do List.
And some of them get ridiculous. Evidently the Empire set aside a little too much funding for the Board of Unnecessary Destruction.
"This one will blow the planet up twice."
The Galaxy Gun is a great example.
Although its name lacks the same pantshit-inspiring sound as the Death Star, we are told it is a lot more powerful. It was first used during the reborn Emperor's campaign against the Rebels (see Cloning the Emperor, above), and during its operational history it destroyed more worlds than the Death Star. Making that count at least... two.
There is also the Sun Crusher, which we have to admit is the most badass name ever given to any weapon, ever.
Sadly, this is what it looks like.
To sum it up, it basically does what its name suggests, firing a bunch of missiles into a star and causing it to collapse and go supernova, destroying the entire surrounding system by way of make-believe science.
Unfortunately, we already saw the planet-busting ultra gun in two out of the three original movies, so you can probably guess how the storylines involving both of these turned out (if you said "the Rebels enact a daring offensive that destroys the weapon," you are correct).
But once more, what was the alternative? Death Stars three and four? Actually, if George Lucas had written it...
#1. Making a New Sith Empire
As Seen In: The Star Wars Legacy Comics
Of course, even though the Emperor comes back and the Empire rises again, the rebels do eventually prevail. Sure, it took a couple of decades after the events of the OT, but we at least know that one day a gray-haired Han Solo and crew got to see their dream of an evilless galaxy come true.
Not So Fast...
According to the Star Wars Legacy comics, 100 years after the original trilogy, the galaxy has supposedly seen several major wars and enough political maneuvering to turn the franchise into a Tom Clancy novel. During that century, the Rebellion formed into the New Republic and then into the Galactic Alliance, eventually making peace with the Empire and allying with them on several occasions.
Luke Skywalker, again demonstrating his complete and total dementia, forgets every single detail about his father's life and builds a new Jedi Order that encourages emotional ties and marriages. Han Solo and Princess Leia have three kids, one of whom turns into a Sith, and Luke has a son with some redhead.
We will assume it is this redhead.
All of a sudden the Sith reappear. Again.
And, again, the Empire declares war on the Galactic Alliance, easily crushing their allied nuts and installing their Sith leader as Emperor of the Galaxy. Again.
They go on to lead a surprise attack against the Jedi, killing most of them and forcing the rest into hiding.
Meanwhile the scattered remnants of the Alliance begin a guerilla war against their much more powerful adversary while Luke's son, a young Jedi named Skywalker, must use his powerful Force abilities to try and destroy the evil Sith Emperor.
Evidently the new Emperor is Shao Kahn.
Our more clever readers may have noticed a small curiosity regarding this storyline: It is, word for word, the exact fucking plot of the entire Star Wars saga. Not just a recycled plot device like a new superweapon (see above), but the whole goddamn plot.
Man, we hate to say it. But we think we owe George Lucas an apology. Considering the alternatives, making prequels looks like a pretty freaking good idea.
Or, better yet, just leaving the trilogy alone.
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For more Extended Universe shaming, check out 6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film. Or check out some laughable races from Star Trek because, well, we like to cover our nerdy bases here at Cracked: Star Trek's 6 Most Ridiculous Alien Races.
And stop by our Top Picks to see Seanbaby kicking our George Lucas cutout right in the cardboard balls.