5 Reasons It Sucks Being a Joss Whedon Fan
I like me some Joss Whedon. I consider Angel and Firefly two of the best shows of the last 15 years. I "grr, arg" along with the end credits every time. The man knows how to write dialog, how to make badasses of the doofiest of nerds, how to make sexpots of the most unlikeliest of actors. He is a ginger titan, a colossus bestriding the tube of boob. Joss Whedon knows how to make great television. If only he did it more consistently, and without all the accompanying bullshit ...
#5.
He Will Slaughter Everything That Makes You Happy Inside
Firefly fans loved Wash. Who didn't love Wash? Joss rammed a tree trunk through his chest for no reason. Penny from Dr. Horrible might be the most innocent, sweet natured girl Whedon's ever written. She ends Dr. Horrible bleeding out with a chunk of shrapnel stuck in her body, Normandy Beach style. Why? There is only one real lesson in Whedonland, and it's that loving cool people is dangerous because someone's probably gonna shove a flaming rock into their skull.
In fact, this is the only way Whedon characters achieve growth. It's a recognized cliche amongst his fanbase: If someone makes you happy when you see them onscreen, grab your balls, because he's going to lacerate them heavily. Sometimes I don't mind a good nut-stabbing. I like The Wire, I like Battlestar Galactica. But sometimes I just wanna sit back and watch Doogie Howser sing songs about horsies into his webcam. It's at those times that I'd rather Joss Whedon not pop up like the "Toasty!" guy from Mortal Kombat and pulp my yambag with senseless death.
#4.
This Whole Feminist Empowerment Thing Smells Fishy
Yeah, Buffy kicked unholy ass, Zoe was Mal's Terminatrix-like enforcer, Faith begat Echo and Echo is the baddest ass Kung Fu Whore TV has ever seen, and yet, aside from the fact these girls have done some push ups and punched masculinity in its shriveled balls time and again, the idea that Whedon is some sort of hyper-feminist stinks as bad as Eliza Dushku's "acting."
Joss shoots his actresses most lovingly when they're wet and crying and curled up in the fetal position, pressed up against a wall, broken, mascara running, bleeding, and reaching out. And what are they typically reaching out for? Some dude (or vampire or werewolf) and the dick he's attached to.
That's it. That's as complex as it gets. Sound familiar? That's because it's also the image of women we get from every other movie or show written by men. And yet when a lisping nerd who tritely describes himself as "a lesbian in a man's body" does it to a high-school cheerleader, it's "feminist." This is like when Toni Morrison called Bill Clinton "The First Black President." You could only say such a thing if you were THAT willing to settle. His two most artistically successful shows are Angel and Firefly, both centered on men, and written from a male point of view. If I wanted to be glib (and I usually do) Angel and Firefly worked because they're basically " Batman in LA" and "Han Solo, the TV Show," respectively.
I just made Star Wars 30-million times cooler. You're welcome.
#3.
Nothing Bad is Ever Whedon's Fault
Even the finest screenwriters shit the bed. It happens. William Goldman, Oscar winning mind behind Butch Cassidy and The Princess Bride, also wrote the adaptation for Dreamcatcher. Did he blame anyone else for that crap? Of course not, he's a pro.
Alien Resurrection is just as shitty. But that's not Joss's fault. According to him: "They said the lines ... mostly ... but they said them all wrong," he said, regarding his script for Alien 4: KY-Shitfest in Space, before going on to say, "They cast it wrong. And they designed it wrong. And they scored it wrong. They did everything wrong that they could possibly do." So according to Joss, putting Michael Wincott, Ron Perlman, Brad Dourif, J.E. Freeman and Sigourney Weaver in your ALIEN movie is horrible casting. And the director, who also directed City of Lost Children, might as well be Helen Keller. But the writer, the guy who gave Ripley a robovag sidekick more annoying than C-3P0, and made the main villain a fucking Muppet Baby? You insult him in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.
Muppet Babies, they'll eat your fucking skull...
#2.
Seriously, It's NEVER Whedon's Fault
We'll skip right past that bullshit line about electrocuted toads or whatever it was Whedon fed Halle Berry in the first X-Men movie. That was totally not his fault, either. The guy who writes Family Circus apparently did a dialog polish while Joss was coming up with new ways to get hot female co-stars to make out with each other onscreen (for feminism, of course.) Speaking of which, let's talk about Dollhouse.
Dollhouse isn't getting crappy ratings because it's a bad show with a goofy premise played way too seriously, centered around a vapid "actress" with all the personality of a petrified turd. It's getting crappy ratings because of FOX. Sure, the network mercilessly drowned the superior Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles specifically to give Dollhouse an undeserved second season, but FOX is the big bad here, FOX is the reason the show lays there like a dead fish week after week, only sporadically flickering to life, like how a caveman banging rocks together might accidentally start a fire. At this point I think the show exists solely to collect ex-Battlestar Galactica actors like Pokemon, so Joss can giggle and get them to sign his Hello Kitty backpack.
#1.
His Most Vocal Fans are Fucking Assholes
To be fair, this is a complaint you could levy against any major geek property. Star Wars fans are the worst part of Star Wars, Trekkies ate shit for about 30 straight years and online discussions of your favorite shows are clogged with "Shippers," who disregard anything interesting and insightful about a show, and focus solely on badly-written fanfic fantasies for frantic bean-flicking, their stories swapped between shawl-wearing, cat-owning knitting enthusiasts squeeling until their lungs burst on LiveJournal.
"Her dead Polar Express eyes tell me she loves me."
But hardcore Whedonites? They are to Trekkies what the Nation of Islam were to the Civil Rights movement. It's like they don't even WATCH his shows anymore. I don't mean they don't tune in. I mean they don't actively watch, in the way Woody Harrelson wasn't HEARING Jimi in White Men Can't Jump. The images and sounds just wash over their angry brains, a collection of details they can clutch in a puddly fist to swing wildly at anyone proffering a "meh" in their Lord Whedon's general direction.
It's like hearing someone brag about their personal library and you find out it's filled with nothing but Star Wars novels and Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. I know they're printed on pulped trees and bought at a Borders, but that doesn't make them real books. Consuming those is an exercise in stunting your ability to appreciate real storytelling. I wouldn't trust a food critic if all he ever grubbed on were hot dogs, and I don't trust Whedonites when their experience with moving pictures begins and ends with Mutant Enemy productions. Once More With Feeling shouldn't be a goddamn Rocky Horror Picture Show. Fuck, it's not even a good musical. But then, you'd have to have watched another musical to know that.
It's as if just watching the shows and enjoying them isn't enough. You have to proselytize and spring out of the corners of the Internet like the Whedon Inquisition, demanding tithings and tributes to the man's genius. It's a cult of apologism advertising itself as the face of Whedon fandom, and it's probably the single hardest thing about being a fan of the man's work - others will just assume that an apologist, argumentative asshole is what you are, too.
Let's not forgot Mr Whedon sucks for bringing Colossus back to life... Sacrifices himself so that the world can be rid of a rampant virus and then Joss gets called on to write Astonishing XMen and his dream team includes Colossus, so now he pointlessly took a meaningful story line character death and trampled on it cause he wanted to use Colossus! =\
ReplyThe only Wheldon show i watched was Buffy....and i loved it
ReplyNo matter how many times I come back and read this article, it never fails to make my day because it says very nicely all the things I would say about Joss Whedon if the very mention of his name didn't turn me into a giant pile of rage capable only of emitting sounds that bear a striking resemblance to WHARRRRGARBLE. As a q***r raging feminist-type, I am so f*****g tired of Whedon's pseudo-feminism that I actually flinch whenever I see his name.
ReplyThe So called clever writing from Firefly is not all that clever. All it really boils down to is that it does the MST3K treatment to itself. All of the so called clever lines from that show are things that the characters from that Satellite of Love would say to the movie. That is not clever, that's pretentious.
ReplyFirefly was cancelled not because of Fox, but because no one watched it. There is no grand conspiracy behind it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIts true Firefly was met with lukewarm reviews and even worse ratings. However I think that some of the blame can be placed on poor decisions by Fox. Specifically airing the shows out-of order(and opening with one of the worst episodes), and putting it in a time slot where it often got pre-empted by sports events.
You, SirThinkALot, STOP THAT!!
Or, SirThinkALot, because the show was f*****g terrible. Come on. Space cowboys? Are you f*****g serious? Most people stopped fantasizing about space cowboys when they turned 6.
Oh yeah, FatherJerusalem. If that's the best insult you can come up with for the show, you should get your brain checked. Hell, I had shittons of problems with that show (the least of which was "it's in space? how original, lolol") and even I liked it.
Also, Fox kinda done fucked up by airing them like that.
Whedon has flaws. There have been some annoying characters, some plots and dialogue lines that didn't work. But Once More With Feeling was f*****g fantastic. I try my best not to become a hardcore, undying fan (A.K.A: Asshole) of anything, but I may just have to claw your eyes out and force-feed you them if you go any further than saying it's a little overrated.
ReplyDawn. Why did she exist? Whhhhhhhy?
Whoa, whoa, whoa there chief. Let's not go saying Choose Your Own Adventure books aren't kickass in their own silly way. The key - as with being a fan of anything - is being able to admit they're silly.
ReplyWhedon's two best points? He has a great eye for hot women, and his actors seem to love him -- look how many come back to work with him over and over again.
ReplyMost of his actors come back to work with him because they're so s****y that he's the only one who will hire them.
A lot of what you say is true, but Once More With Feeling is awesome.
ReplyBring back Firefly. Stop putting good shows on Fox. They always get canceled.
ReplyHe loves to screw with people that are happy, that's why he killed wash, williow's girlfriend(cant remember her name) and turned Angel evil. Dollhouse was dumb. I like most of that Alien movie, And "Once more with feeling" could very well be like "Rocky Horror" cause both are equally bad, with catchy songs that people would have fun singing and making fun of. Just my opinion.
ReplyWash was killed because it was the only way Whedon could get Alan Tudyk to agree to be in the movie. He wanted to move on from the franchise, just in case there were more movies. Still sucks when it happens onscreen.
I have to agree on him killing off people, just for fun, remember Anya, remember Spike? yeah two awesome characters, that could have at the very least, made it through the end of the freaking show. And he killed a lot of potencial slayers.
ReplyTechnically Spike wasnt killed, his 'essence' was trapped in the amulet. Although that was only explained in the final season of Angel.
And really considering the series ended with a giant battle against 100s of super-vamps it would make sense that a few people died. Especially 'non-powered' people like Anya
Angel being one of his most "artistically successful" shows? Did we watch the same series?
ReplyThis didn't seem to be about the bad things about being a Whedon fan as much as it felt like a list of the bad things about Whedon fans.
ReplyAs much as I agree with this (especially the "feminist" and "killing off all the likeable characters" part) it's still amusing to me that you used the phrase "big bad" in the article. That phrase was started by Spike from Buffy but has merged with all pop-culture.
Replyactually it started in screenwriting far earlier, and in storytelling even moreso. Maybe Buffy is the first place *you* heard the term
I actually liked the line in X-men about electrifying toads...
Replyu sir are a dork. lol
dollhouse was NOT poorly written with a bad premise. I loved the idea. The problem with it was they put it on the friday night death slot (you know, when the shows target audience is out clubbing?) and never, ever, ever bothered to promote it. Go figure that it got poor ratings. All of the critiics can kiss my ass, this is the same reason arrested development died.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesA good rule of thumb is "If the critics don't like it, it's going to be gold." The critics like both good and s****y things, but they only hate the good.
You just keep telling yourselves that.
Arrested Development got writing awards and critical accolades while lasting 3 seasons. Dollhouse was poorly received even by Whedon fans and barely made it into a second season.
Whedon killing his characters off (or just generally making them miserable) shows his British education and background. Happy endings and fairness kind of creep us out a bit
ReplyOn #4 I always found it amusing that so many 'Joss Wheadon feminists' tend to ignore Angel even though it was the most well received(both in terms of critical reception and overall TV ratings) and arguably the best show he ever did. But I suppose a show with a strong male lead where the women are routinely rescued by the men doesnt fit the narrative.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOn #2 and 3. I actually didnt think Alien Resurrection was that bad. It was better than Alien 3 and a helluv a lot better than the Alien Vs Predator movies(although to be fair that is setting the bar awfully low), no it wasnt as good as Aliens, but VERY few movies are. And Fox did screw Wheadon pretty bad on Firefly(giving it a poor time slot, airing the episodes out of order, not showing some of the better episodes at all).
On #1. Its true hard core fans of Joss Wheadon are annoying as hell, but the same could be said for the hardcore fans of pretty much anything. And the 'Whedonites' arent even teh worst. That dubious distinction goes to Otaku/Japanamanics.
"But the same could be said for hardcore fans of pretty much anything." Um, I'm pretty sure the author said that.
Eh yea re-reading it he did point that out.
But I still dont think Whedon's fans are the worst or most annoying. At least they are only putting one man(a man who, on the whole has done more worthwhile stuff than crap) above criticism Japanamanics put an ENTIRE FREAKING COUNTRY on that level. Even more irritating is if anybody dares to criticize anything Japan has produced, it isnt because theres a lot of s****y anime out there, but rather because they dont 'get' Japanese culture, exactly how they are blessed with such 'understanding' of Japanese culture isnt clear, since most have never been to Japan and have no exposure to Japanese culture outside of anime/manga.
I love 'Buffy' and I have feminist values (I don't tend to call myself a feminist because most people are ignorant enough to believe it's about bra burning and hating men, instead of researching it and discovering that the former never actually happened and that there are plenty of male feminists or "male allies"), but I also enjoy the show 'Angel'. IMDb users rate 'Buffy' a notch higher, as would I (I just think there's more variety in it).
I have nothing against people who like Buffy, or with people identifying with what they perceive as 'feminist' aspects of the show. I just find it amusing the the people who try to paint Whedon as some kind of uber-feminist will talk a great deal about Buffy and River Tam, but wont discuss Angel at all.
And Buffy definitively had its moments, but there was a lot of problems with the shows as well. A lot of the plotlines were pretty dumb, particularly after the sudden appearance of Dawn. I realize the writers wanted Buffy to have a little sister character, but to have everybody's(including, apparently the characters on Angel's) memories magically altered so they thought she was there the whole time was a pretty dumb way to go about it.
Then there was the fact that after, Buffy was brought back to life the second time, every character on the show(except Giles) fell into a moody depression, this was particularly annoying since, up till that point a major attraction of the show was the characters cheerfulness and humor-based approach to even the most dire situations.
Dreamcatcher was bad thanks to actors and direction. Not the script so much.
ReplyI've read the original book. It's just not a particularly good book and is not really one that was suited to a film adaptation.