There's not a movie on Earth that wouldn't be drastically improved by the addition of zombies. Whether it's a romantic comedy, a buddy cop flick or a documentary about global warming, the inclusion of a sudden attack by relentless, blood-thirsty zombies is a surefire way to make any movie more compelling, more thrilling and more award-winning.
To demonstrate this principle, we've hired a team of elite screenwriting geniuses who, using the finest Pentium computers available, are busy rewriting the classic movies of our age to include zombies. Below we present some of their work: Character studies used to illustrate how various iconic movie characters would handle a full scale zombie outbreak.
7John McClane (as seen in Die Hard)
John McClane, a New York cop, is visiting his wife in L.A. where they're soon trapped in the upper stories of the Nakatomi building by a group of Europeans. A deadly and shoeless game of cat and mouse breaks out 40 stories above the city! Suddenly their battle is interrupted by a clamoring horde of zombies, who swarm the building from the streets below.
McClane already has practical weapons at his disposal, in the form of a repossessed sub-machinegun and his trusty Beretta. His ability to improvise weapons is largely untested. In the film he does manage to fabricate a bomb out of an office chair, a monitor, an elevator shaft and a big bag of C4. Although this is technically improvised, making a bomb out of plastic explosives doesn't exactly require MacGyver levels of genius.
None. In fact, McClane is already surrounded by enemies. Europeans are shiftless and untrustworthy, with deceitful accents and tiny little feet. Worse yet, if the Europeans decide to join forces with the zombies, an outcome we believe to be probable, McClane will really have the deck stacked against him.
The Nakatomi building is large, taking up an entire city block. Multiple entrances and exits make it hard to defend, and a rat's nest of elevator shafts and service passages allow multiple avenues for zombie penetration. A group of survivors working together could potentially hold an entire floor but, as we've said before, the prospect of anyone cooperating with Europeans stretches the limits of plausibility too far.
Mental and Physical Toughness:
McClane is physically very tough, and wearing a tank top, which provides a modest level of ballistic protection. He can also definitely handle periods of stress, although he is known to be prone to spouting nonsensical catchphrases.
Yakkedy Yak, assholes!!
It looks like a hopeless situation for McClane, which can only mean that it's actually a hopeless situation for the zombies. Look for some horrific hand to hand zombie slaughter with a fire axe, as McClane clogs a stairwell with bodies. For the finale, expect to see the zombie masses lured to the roof by a clever ruse taped to McClane's back. Suddenly the C4 ignites, raining zombie parts down on the streets below. McClane escapes on a rope ladder (also taped to his back).
Body Count: 12 Dead Terrorists, 342 Dead Zombies
6Kevin McCallister (as seen in Home Alone)
Kevin McCallister has been left at home by his parents, accidentally. This light hearted tale of child abandonment is thrown for a loop when two clumsy burglars threaten to break into his cavernous house. As Kevin prepares for the burglars' visit, he's shocked to hear their screams of terror as they're cut down by the horde of zombies gathered outside. The zombies, having whetted their appetites, turn to assault Kevin in his home.HomeAlone1.jpg
Kevin's only firearm is a pellet gun, one with minimal stopping power.
However, his ability to improvise weaponry is unparalleled and he has already fabricated an arsenal of makeshift weapons. These include ice covered steps, tar and nail traps, homemade flamethrowers, broken ornaments, Micro Machines on the floor and a couple of paint cans on ropes. Kevin's resourcefulness will serve him very well during this long night.
Slim pickings. Down the road there's a crazy old man who will turn out to actually just be a regular old man. There's also Kevin's brother's pet tarantula and a taped movie with some gangsters on it. So not exactly the Super Friends - Kevin's going to largely be on his own here.
Iffy. Kevin has made little attempt to actually secure his house, and instead focused on making it treacherous for anyone to enter. This technique might work well for a limited number of enemies, but modern zombie combat experts agree that a proper zombie fortification involves a fixed defensive line designed to hold at all costs. Given the sheer number of zombies, and their relentlessness, any ground ceded to them will be lost forever. Kevin should read his Sun Tzu (specifically the zombie appendix).
Mental and Physical Toughness:
Well, he's eight. Calling an eight-year-old tough is usually a polite way of saying they're fat, and Kevin certainly isn't that. Kevin's mental toughness is a different matter. Take note of how he was preparing for the arrival of two burglars. Instead of calling the police, he designed a series of booby traps that would extract a pound of flesh for every room taken. This implies a level of blood thirst that modern Home Alone scholars are only just now acknowledging. Kevin could end up surviving a zombie attack only to be lost in the psychotic blood-red caverns of his own mind.
Kevin does have an escape route built into his plan, but it only gets him as far as the tree house in his yard, which we should observe is now full of hungry zombies. Assuming zombies can't climb (oh shit!) he'll be able to hold out for a couple days, until he dies of thirst.
Wow. We can't believe they billed this as a kid's movie.
Body Count: Eight Dead Zombies