7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
#3.
The Brave Little Toaster: Suicide and Clowns
Beloved Because...
The Brave Little Toaster is the 1987 tale of five talking appliances' odyssey to get back to their original owner, who presumably left them behind to cover his security deposit.
But Then, the Horror...
Knowing that children are impressionable, the filmmakers made the wise decision to fill as many frames as they could with mechanized horror-beasts based on items every child could find in their very own home:
The air conditioner points out the fruitlessness of the other appliances' hope that their master will return, probably because he killed the guy himself.
The air conditioner then works himself into a resentment-fueled frenzy over being stuck in a wall, as opposed to being free to suck up stale Cocoa Puffs and broken shot glass shards like the lucky vacuum cleaner. He becomes so filled with anger that he overheats and fucking burns to death, and the rest of the appliances leave his charred corpse to rot in the windowsill.
"Where the fuck is the talking fire extinguisher?!"
Also, later on in the movie we're treated to this:
Because as long as we're rounding the bases of irrational phobias, we might as well toss in a satanic clown.
Sweet dreams, kiddies!
#2.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Childcatcher
Beloved Because...
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the 1968 Dick Van Dyke classic about a family that turns a busted piece of shit into a magical car and takes it on a grand adventure.
He can fly.
But Then, the Horror...
Amidst the traditional love story and all the happy singing, there's a nefarious Baron that inexplicably wants Chitty Chitty Bang Bang all to himself--because we all know a flying jalopy is the key to world domination.
He makes numerous attempts to acquire the vehicle, sending various henchmen to do his bidd- oh, hey, who's this gaily adorned and not-at-all frightening man?
This jaunty fellow has free candy and an awesome carriage. What could possibly go wrong here?
The answer is this. This could go wrong.
This magnificent bastard is called the Childcatcher. See, the Baron wants that car so badly that instead of, you know, maybe building one himself since he is a goddamn baron, he sends Vulgaria's premier freelance abductor up there to catch and kill the kids. At one point in the movie, Childcatcher even admits that he can smell the children's blood. Holy shit.
Hey, give credit where credit is due. The man knows his trade.
#1.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: The Forest
Beloved Because...
What was not to love about this movie? It's the ageless story of Snow White who, to escape an evil witch, takes shelter with a motley crew of dwarves.
But Then, the Horror...
That fucking forest.
Aside from the part where the Huntsman is looming over a defenseless teenage girl, ready to cut her heart out and put it in a freaking box, we are treated to a forest that rivals the tree rape scene in The Evil Dead. Where every branch is a frightening hand:
Every tree trunk a monster:
Every floating log an alligator:
And everything is watching you:
That's right, kids. Everything in nature is a demon-possessed harvester of tender flesh. Better to just stay inside and eat beanie weenies all day.
Be sure to check out Fitzgerald's friend Thad over at CallMeThad.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
And check out how else Disney terrified little children, in The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths. Or check out some questionable lessons they taught them as well, in 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons.
And stop by our Top Picks to see the Cracked staff cowering in the corner after rewatching the tunnel scene.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Haha the narrator from the mickey and the beanstalk movie is hysterical!
ReplyThe only things that scared me in Brave Little Toaster were the lightning storm and Kirby slowly moving backwards then launching himself off a cliff.
Replyi cant believe Micky and the beanstalk has part of its own in the magic kingdom in orlando
ReplyI used to watch "Ernest Scared Stupid" as a kid and nearly crapped my pants whenever that troll came around....ok, I DID crap my pants
ReplyPink Elephants on the parade still scares the shi- out of me, and I'm not sure if it's the weird LSD-inspired images, or the creepy music.
ReplyAnd here I thought I'd managed to block the clown from brave little toaster out of my mind forever. Thanks Cracked! Sleep is overrated!
ReplyI'm never eating toast again
Oh god, I actually remember all of these scenes. But I still think my childhood rocked . . .
ReplyDoes Watership Down REALLY not make it on this list?!
ReplyWatership down is torture for kids. That s**t made me cry when I was seven
Funny thing about the forest scene from Snow White... It was copied almost frame-for-frame from a scene in the French three-part film adaptation of Les Miserables that had come out a few years earlier (and was not a cartoon). Snow White was drawn over Cosette when she's sent to fetch water by the Thenardiers.
ReplyYay, you learn things everyday! thank you!
I am the mother of three and grandmother of five and I hate the trite childrens' movies in theaters now. Wizard of Oz, James and the Giant Peach, Jumanji, and Bambi all deserve an honorable mention. Some of my best childhood memories are of the movies that scared me just a bit.
ReplyOf course - I'm the grandma who dresses as a zombie for halloween and did my 7 year old grandson's makeup so good that he was a little scared to look in the mirror.
Will you be my grandma? Also reverse time like ten years, as it just dawned on me the creepy consequences of a 24 year old asking for a new grandma...
I need to lie down
I thought for sure Bambi would be here too. And large marvelous from pee wee's big adventure.
Erm The Secret of NIMH anyone? Dude that movie fucked me up when I was little!
ReplyMe too!
All of these scenes nor had me scared, always excited, helped me toughen up. Also explains my love of Human Centipede...
ReplyGranted, I didn't go all the way back to the beginning of the comments, but have I slipped into a parallel universe where Bambi was never made? The ominous music, the mother's frantic warning, the race for safety, the gunshot, Bambi's awful, dawning realization, the child wandering through the forest crying for his dead mother? God, I'm tearing up right now! Or is it so obvious a choice that no one feels the need to mention it?
ReplyWilly Wonka = Gene Wilder. Forever. It's like he's unhinged in a subtle way - he could be a child molester or something. I goddamn love him in that movie! The Oompa Loompas scared the crap out of me as a kid though. Just weird...
ReplyI'm not sure if anyone mentioned this already, but the truck driver scene from that Pee Wee Herman movie freaked me out so bad as a kid. What kid expected that lady to turn into a Claymation hell-creature straight out of a bad acid trip? Oh, man.
ReplyThe moment i saw this list i immediately thought "the brave little f*****g toaster". i dont think there was a single night in the nineties where i didnt see that damn clown at least once.
ReplyAh. Wonderful. Thanks for un-burying 20-year-old repressed memories.
ReplyA lot of older cartoons like the older Disney cartoons on this list were meant more for adults.
ReplyI love how most of these are disney movies. Other scary disney movies I can think of are: the wolves in Beauty and the Beast and the end part of Fox and the Hound where they try to kill the fox.
ReplyAs a child, was anyone else scared of the scene in Pinochio were that guy, Stromboli, kidnapped Pinocchio, puttting him in a gage, and telling him he would turn him into firewood? My parents took me to see the movie when they rereleased it in the early nineties and that part scared the s**t out of me!
Reply