7 Horrifying Moments from Classic Kids Movies
#3.
The Brave Little Toaster: Suicide and Clowns
Beloved Because...
The Brave Little Toaster is the 1987 tale of five talking appliances' odyssey to get back to their original owner, who presumably left them behind to cover his security deposit.
But Then, the Horror...
Knowing that children are impressionable, the filmmakers made the wise decision to fill as many frames as they could with mechanized horror-beasts based on items every child could find in their very own home:
The air conditioner points out the fruitlessness of the other appliances' hope that their master will return, probably because he killed the guy himself.
The air conditioner then works himself into a resentment-fueled frenzy over being stuck in a wall, as opposed to being free to suck up stale Cocoa Puffs and broken shot glass shards like the lucky vacuum cleaner. He becomes so filled with anger that he overheats and fucking burns to death, and the rest of the appliances leave his charred corpse to rot in the windowsill.
"Where the fuck is the talking fire extinguisher?!"
Also, later on in the movie we're treated to this:
Because as long as we're rounding the bases of irrational phobias, we might as well toss in a satanic clown.
Sweet dreams, kiddies!
#2.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Childcatcher
Beloved Because...
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the 1968 Dick Van Dyke classic about a family that turns a busted piece of shit into a magical car and takes it on a grand adventure.
He can fly.
But Then, the Horror...
Amidst the traditional love story and all the happy singing, there's a nefarious Baron that inexplicably wants Chitty Chitty Bang Bang all to himself--because we all know a flying jalopy is the key to world domination.
He makes numerous attempts to acquire the vehicle, sending various henchmen to do his bidd- oh, hey, who's this gaily adorned and not-at-all frightening man?
This jaunty fellow has free candy and an awesome carriage. What could possibly go wrong here?
The answer is this. This could go wrong.
This magnificent bastard is called the Childcatcher. See, the Baron wants that car so badly that instead of, you know, maybe building one himself since he is a goddamn baron, he sends Vulgaria's premier freelance abductor up there to catch and kill the kids. At one point in the movie, Childcatcher even admits that he can smell the children's blood. Holy shit.
Hey, give credit where credit is due. The man knows his trade.
#1.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: The Forest
Beloved Because...
What was not to love about this movie? It's the ageless story of Snow White who, to escape an evil witch, takes shelter with a motley crew of dwarves.
But Then, the Horror...
That fucking forest.
Aside from the part where the Huntsman is looming over a defenseless teenage girl, ready to cut her heart out and put it in a freaking box, we are treated to a forest that rivals the tree rape scene in The Evil Dead. Where every branch is a frightening hand:
Every tree trunk a monster:
Every floating log an alligator:
And everything is watching you:
That's right, kids. Everything in nature is a demon-possessed harvester of tender flesh. Better to just stay inside and eat beanie weenies all day.
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And check out how else Disney terrified little children, in The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths. Or check out some questionable lessons they taught them as well, in 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons.
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I have tears running down my cheeks from laughing at the Donald Duck piece. THat was the best piece of writing in Cracked history. "...decided to play a Cannibal Corpse record in Donald's mind..." HILARIOUS
ReplyI am so proud of growing up with such horrific images and not turning into a violent person like those modern kids do nowdays. I am well aware of the difference between good and evil. I am responsible. Which reminds me - I have to return some videotapes...
ReplyI f*****g love the fact that the Childcatcher leaves his hat on as he speeds off with the children.
ReplyEverything in Willy Wonka was nightmare fuel... The scene with the fans, the gobstopper, etc, scared me more than the boat ride.
ReplyOut of all these, the Snow White scene was all that scared me, but only because I was already terrified of the dark and was even more afraid of being in the woods when it was dark.
ReplyBut all I got out of that scene was a strange Goldilocks/Snow White dream that convince me that my sister's bed was where the most terrifying things were.
I wonder if the author has ever considered the possibility that what Dumbo drank was absinthe.
ReplyThese scenes where never scary for me, its all so damn exaggerated in this post that I just cant take it seriously.
ReplyAnd no, I was never fearless but these cartoons never scared me more than any good cartoon/animated movie should have.
Horrible article.
I remember very vividly at possibly 3 years old having a terrible nightmare about pink elephants because of Dumbo. I refused to ever watch that movie again, at 3 years old, because it was just awful. They were going to eat me!
ReplyAlso, I was freaked out by Willy Wonka, the entire premise. I actually didn't mind the newer version, if only because they showed that those kids, while horribly malformed by this point, did in fact live. Because in my child mind, all those kids died in that factory. Which meant there was possibly bits of fat kid in the chocolate I was eating. I still don't eat chocolate to this day.
The boat scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and Pleasure Island from Pinocchio both made me cry. My mom had to calm me down. The Snow White one gave me nightmares about evil trees.
ReplyI thought the Dumbo one was pretty cool, though. I used to drink bottled soda and pretend that it was making me see pink elephants.
that motherfuckin clown scared the s**t out of me for weeks when i was little! lol i couldnt sleep...honestly watching that video...im kinda scared now too, im sleeping with my talking lamp on tonight, thanks
ReplyMaybe it was just my innocent child mind, but I always thought that the air conditioner just got really mad and fell asleep or something.
ReplyNow, when I was little, I didn't mind the boat scene in willy wanka. I just saw it as some enlarged videos of animals and a bug on a guys face. And I thought the Donald scene was just funny.
ReplyIt's hardly a 'classic,' but I was traumatized by the cartoon "Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey." For those youngins' who haven't seen this little Rankin/Bass turd, it basically combines the Nativity mythology with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. As horrible as that description sounds, it only scratches the soul-crushing surface.
ReplyInstead of a shiny nose, Nestor has freakishly-long ears. He is ostracized and thrown out of the stable. In the most uplifting scene, Nestor's mother freezes to death protecting him from a blizzard. Nestor is forced to crawl from beneath her corpsicle and strike out on his own.
Luckily, he blunders into the Nativity nonsense with a little help from a creepy guardian angel (who was apparently busy during the whole mother-freezing-to-death debacle).
Yeah, this cartoon scarred me. They used to show it as part of the '25 Days of Christmas' on that stupid Family Channel (you know, the one that plays the infomercials about improving your sex life), but sanity has finally prevailed and they've stopped showing it.
I saw that too. My mom told me the mommy donkey was just sleeping.
I was very young when i saw the air conditioner bursting into flame scene, at first i was lost for words when I saw it but now , as a young adult, i can now properly articulate my feelings with proper language to express my self ehem "Holy s**t, What the f*ck!?"
ReplyI didn't have to get older to be scared of the pink elephants. Even when I was little those frightened me.
ReplyI loved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as a boy.
ReplyIt feels like most of the youtube videos cracked links me to have already been deleted by owners or copyrighted, etc.
ReplySo true about The Brave Little Toaster. But you forgot about that magnetic evil thing at the dump, that was also terrifying.
ReplyOh God, the worst part is when the clown whispers "run".
ReplyYes!
Yes!
LMFAO, Pink Elephants is like my favorite part of Dumbo!
Reply