#3. Milk His Cow
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 238, issue 1, page 84.
OK, "Steven" isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's clearly fucking with Cosmo here. This is one of the single most awful pieces of advice anyone has ever penned in any language, and could be chalked up to a terrible joke if it hadn't actually been published.
Kinda like these... ah, never mind
Just in case it's not clear, let us respond individually to "his" three points:
1. "It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care."
No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand.
2. "Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive."
Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic wiffleball? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive.
3. "We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more."
That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working!
#2. Go Joystick On His Boner
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 237, Issue 3, page 144
We had to throw this one in because it's hilarious, shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list.
After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.
"Yes, honey, that's great. Play Space Invaders with my wang. I just have to catch my breath here. Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."
#1. Put Him in the Fucking Hospital
For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn, but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely. Something like, "A crime a million times worse than genocide."
Pictured: a technique that wasn't even used on penises in Abu Ghraib.
We're not even joking at this point. Seriously, don't do this. We're frowning over our keyboard. This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them.
Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day.
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Don't take that steel jock of your genitals before you check out 6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life and 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences).
And stop by our Top Picks to see Cracked.com's sex advice (read: links with boobies in them).