7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
#3.
Milk His Cow
From:
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 238, issue 1, page 84.
OK, "Steven" isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's clearly fucking with Cosmo here. This is one of the single most awful pieces of advice anyone has ever penned in any language, and could be chalked up to a terrible joke if it hadn't actually been published.
Kinda like these... ah, never mind
Just in case it's not clear, let us respond individually to "his" three points:
1. "It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care."
No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand.
2. "Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive."
Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic wiffleball? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive.
3. "We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more."
That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working!
#2.
Go Joystick On His Boner
From:
Cosmo's print edition, Vol. 237, Issue 3, page 144
We had to throw this one in because it's hilarious, shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list.
After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.
"Yes, honey, that's great. Play Space Invaders with my wang. I just have to catch my breath here. Yes, sure, use it like a gear shift and make race car noises. That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body."
#1.
Put Him in the Fucking Hospital
From:
For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn, but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely. Something like, "A crime a million times worse than genocide."
Pictured: a technique that wasn't even used on penises in Abu Ghraib.
We're not even joking at this point. Seriously, don't do this. We're frowning over our keyboard. This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them.
Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day.
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I've never laughed harder in a Cracked article than I did after seeing the Yahtzee picture after reading "Shake his balls".
ReplyI don't know about yall, but seriously, when you're desensitized enough to last 45 minutes your first time, your run-o-the-mill, headbob BJ just ain't gonna cut it; I'm not a masochist, but damn girl—GET INTO IT...swallow, maybe! There's kids starving in Africa!
ReplyThe most dangerous cosmo tip I've ever read was one where they said you should shave his balls for him in the shower. I'm not even a guy and I winced when I read that, because even if you didn't cut him, as any teenage girl who made the mistake of shaving that area will tell you, pubic regrowth is a bitch..
ReplyLooking at these supposed "tips" makes one wonder. . . what exactly do the editors of Cosmo have against men?
ReplyDude, Tom Wolfe already did it better in _I am Charlotte Simmons_. See p. 142 where Char is "sexiled" and goes to the library to hang out. She picks up a Cosmo and is shocked at the tips, like using ice cubes or sucking a penis that is poking through a glazed doughnut.
ReplyChar is convinced that she is reading a smutty parody.
I disagree with #3 and #1. #3: People wince in pain when you hit them in the groin, but mostly because the balls are sensitive. Penises, not so much. If you hit a penis directly, yes. Firmness in grip, however, is a positive handjob feature. #1: I think they're referring to the "corkscrew" handjob method made popular by pornography. Not grabbing it roughly and twisting it. Firmness=good. Twisting=bad. A light twisting motion=good. The confusion, I believe, arises from the fact that the letter to cosmo says to "make a fist" with both hands, which I agree is a horrific notion.
ReplyThis. Completely true. You don't need to squeeze the life out of it, but if you're too gentle they'll barely feel anything or even tickle. And that woman obviously never tried the "Corkscrew" before, just read about it. As someone who's tried it, if you do it right, it's not scary or painful. That description, however, is.
And to be clear, you should ALWAYS ask your partner before doing something new and uncertain, even if it's just "squeezing, sucking, etc. slightly harder." |: You can't be sure they'd like it, and in a lot of cases it will make them distrust you and be very nervous when you're in those areas. That goes for either gender.
Sexual advise on Cracked! Yay! lol
I'm a girl and the last one made me cringe.
ReplySo, wait... Cosmo is NOT a magazine specifically targeted at sexual masochists and BDSM fans?
ReplyWell color me surprised.
Just reading these have scarred me for life.
ReplyAfter she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.
Replylmfao this article was too funny while for a girl at least ahaha
i like it when a girl plays with my balls a little that includes jiggling not slammin them together and i don't think thats what the dude meant. he meant massaging and jiggling and it feels great actually, try it next time you beat off, as i'm sure your not getting laid on any kind of basis, as when you are giving it to a girl/guy good your balls usually get slappin pretty hard, and it feels great, so you are probably stupid and bad in bed. sorry but it's the truths.
ReplyMy penis is immense pain just by reading this.
ReplyHonestly crippled over just reading the last one ...
ReplyI think this is secretly part of a plan by Cosmo to control human population growth. Make sure everyone either has genitals to mutilated to reproduce, or is to afraid of it happening to let other people anywhere near the naughty bits.
Replyhaha, I have actually read all of this stuff before on the Cosmo website and in their magazines...I usually read it for the lolz. Never used any of it before because tips like #1 sound ridiculous to me x) Plus I am doing just fine myself.. :P
Replyhave you ever sneezed while having an erection? the shockwave explodes the knob and it is so damn painful.
ReplyWhat a bunch if pussies.
ReplyWell you clearly don't have a penis. Otherwise your reaction would be close to mine, which involves doubling over and clutching my junk in fetal position. W/ or without singing "Tiptoe through the tulips" based on your preference.
I've actually heard a joke based on that last one, except it's something a guy does after urinated as opposed to a sex tip.
ReplyOh God, the "sneeze = 1/7 orgasm" myth. It feels like I'm in junior high all over again! Man, we really did believe some stupid stuff back then, didn't we?
ReplyWhen I read 2 and 3, I cringed. I then realised I was actually on #2, and I was afraid to see what was #1.
ReplyI saw it, and concluded that God is dead.