7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
You've walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you've checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it's all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.
Not that kind.
But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice ("wear a wet t-shirt to bed!") you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation.
Think we're kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to...
#7.
Bite the Family Jewels
From:
Here's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very, very first sexual act was performed: If in describing the act, the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence, something went catastrophically wrong. So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool.
To put this in context, when kangaroos fight each other, they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum. Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma, wild animals refuse to go so far as biting.
And by the way, when dealing with teeth and that area of the body, the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better. That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye.
#6.
Shake His Nuts
From:
Cosmopolitan Vol. 237, Issue 1, page 106.
We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee! and now it's all so clear: It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of.
Now, someone in the comments will point out that it's not necessarily Cosmo giving this advice. "Curtis, 33" wrote in with it. Don't shoot the messenger!
Bullshit. We very well can shoot the messenger if the message he's carrying will result in someone rapidly slamming our balls against each other. That's self-defense right there.
No, this is one of those occasions when an editor needs to think, "Sure, no other guy has said this yet, so it's unique and would therefore be interesting to our readers. But on the other hand, no other guy has said this, so maybe the guy who wrote this is totally fucking insane, or possibly a jilted woman looking to get back at the opposite sex."
For instance, we don't think a men's magazine would print a letter from a "woman" saying, "You know what really turns us ladies on? When you jab us in the ribs with a sharp stick." The editor would immediately guess that behind the letter was a balding man in his basement, with a wall covered in photos of his mother with WHORE scrawled over them in blood.
#5.
Yank His Crotch Hair
From:
Well, at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma. This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs. You know, to turn him on.
Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, "He's got me by the short hairs"? Was the guy using it in a positive way?
No, because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, "Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!"
All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes. It's like a pubic escape route from your pants. No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it's horrible.
What's especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We're all for licking and tickling. It's like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a landmine.
#4.
Give Him a Sneezegasm
From:
This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow "1/7th of an orgasm," which you may have heard in high school or from the brain trust at Yahoo! Answers. You may be tempted to ask how in the shit you would quantify 1/7th of an orgasm, but Yahoo! isn't giving up the goods on that one.
That aside, have you ever enjoyed sneezing? Have you ever looked forward to getting a cold for the pant staining pleasure of it? Sure, there are a few sneeze fetishists out there, but that's probably a relatively small proportion of the population and odds are even they think this tip is stupid.
You may think this one is tame compared to the others, but you're not fully picturing the scenario. One wrong move and you either have an eye or a sphincter full of pepper, both of which are going to create that non-sexy crying and panicked flushing of the area with water.
*FEAR*
ReplyOkay seriously how the f**k is this trash still being printe- oh yeah, fat lonely women.
ReplyI also wanted to add that this is one of the funniest articles I have ever read.
ReplyOne of the worst ideas I ever read in Cosmo was to have sex in the bathtub and alternate turning the hot and cold water knobs, no joke.Most of their advice just makes me uncomfortable reading it no one could ever think of these as sexy just weird or in more extreme cases cruel.
ReplyWhile it wouldn't land anyone in the hospital, one of the unsexiest tips I ever read in a women's magazine (might have been Cosmo, it was about 10 years ago when I was in college) was "call out his full name during sex". My first thought, which was later confirmed by every male friend I asked, was that doing the thing his mom does when she's mad at him would likely result in his penis immediately retracting so far into his body that you could consider what you were doing to suddenly become lesbians scissoring.
Replyregarding number 3 ive had quite a few men tell me to grip it harder/suck harder. probably due to the fact that all girls know penis's are delicate as baby kittens thanks to t.v/books/having seen guys get hit there we tend to be overly delicate. when watching a guy handling his own hardware he invariably treats it much rougher than girls normally do.
ReplyI think it's all matter of context. Basically, the guy who posted that "treat it harder" thing should've follwed that with something like "but don't forget the skin is there to say... and my nuts are not pillows to soften the hit of your fists on my pelvis".
I'm throwing a wild guess here, are you American? Circumcision tends to do that to men. Every circumcised man I've been with was very rough with themselves and told me to be too, whereas the uncircumcised majority of my partners (I'm from Europe) handled themselves very gently. "Delicately" actually describes it pretty efficiently.
I've never laughed harder in a Cracked article than I did after seeing the Yahtzee picture after reading "Shake his balls".
ReplyI don't know about yall, but seriously, when you're desensitized enough to last 45 minutes your first time, your run-o-the-mill, headbob BJ just ain't gonna cut it; I'm not a masochist, but damn girl—GET INTO IT...swallow, maybe! There's kids starving in Africa!
ReplyThe most dangerous cosmo tip I've ever read was one where they said you should shave his balls for him in the shower. I'm not even a guy and I winced when I read that, because even if you didn't cut him, as any teenage girl who made the mistake of shaving that area will tell you, pubic regrowth is a bitch..
ReplyLooking at these supposed "tips" makes one wonder. . . what exactly do the editors of Cosmo have against men?
ReplyDude, Tom Wolfe already did it better in _I am Charlotte Simmons_. See p. 142 where Char is "sexiled" and goes to the library to hang out. She picks up a Cosmo and is shocked at the tips, like using ice cubes or sucking a penis that is poking through a glazed doughnut.
ReplyChar is convinced that she is reading a smutty parody.
I disagree with #3 and #1. #3: People wince in pain when you hit them in the groin, but mostly because the balls are sensitive. Penises, not so much. If you hit a penis directly, yes. Firmness in grip, however, is a positive handjob feature. #1: I think they're referring to the "corkscrew" handjob method made popular by pornography. Not grabbing it roughly and twisting it. Firmness=good. Twisting=bad. A light twisting motion=good. The confusion, I believe, arises from the fact that the letter to cosmo says to "make a fist" with both hands, which I agree is a horrific notion.
ReplyThis. Completely true. You don't need to squeeze the life out of it, but if you're too gentle they'll barely feel anything or even tickle. And that woman obviously never tried the "Corkscrew" before, just read about it. As someone who's tried it, if you do it right, it's not scary or painful. That description, however, is.
And to be clear, you should ALWAYS ask your partner before doing something new and uncertain, even if it's just "squeezing, sucking, etc. slightly harder." |: You can't be sure they'd like it, and in a lot of cases it will make them distrust you and be very nervous when you're in those areas. That goes for either gender.
Sexual advise on Cracked! Yay! lol
I'm a girl and the last one made me cringe.
ReplySo, wait... Cosmo is NOT a magazine specifically targeted at sexual masochists and BDSM fans?
ReplyWell color me surprised.
Just reading these have scarred me for life.
ReplyAfter she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.
Replylmfao this article was too funny while for a girl at least ahaha
i like it when a girl plays with my balls a little that includes jiggling not slammin them together and i don't think thats what the dude meant. he meant massaging and jiggling and it feels great actually, try it next time you beat off, as i'm sure your not getting laid on any kind of basis, as when you are giving it to a girl/guy good your balls usually get slappin pretty hard, and it feels great, so you are probably stupid and bad in bed. sorry but it's the truths.
ReplyI hereby remove your man card and figurative balls (as your real ones must already be gone)
My penis is immense pain just by reading this.
ReplyHonestly crippled over just reading the last one ...
ReplyI think this is secretly part of a plan by Cosmo to control human population growth. Make sure everyone either has genitals to mutilated to reproduce, or is to afraid of it happening to let other people anywhere near the naughty bits.
Reply