Cracked Round-Up: Undead Edition

After months of hard work and diligent grave-robbing, we've finally succeeded in raising, and then enslaving the recently deceased to write comedy for us. In a couple more weeks, if all goes well, we'll be able to expand our undead work-force and branch out into prostitution and manual labor.


The week began with the tragic misadventures of Chris Bucholz and his wondrous journey through the land of Ebay scam artists. Next up, Brockway took drugs and tried to seduce sea creatures while Seanbaby tried to scare off Aliens with awful movies. Dan O'Brien closed us off by reminding the world why he still doesn't have a book deal.

SECRETS
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
Because baseball mud and fried chicken are more important secrets than our nuclear launch codes.


Notable Comment: Scorpio informed us, "KFM Kildare radio station in Ireland nicked this article yesterday, word for word"

Those fucking bastards. Pack your shillelaghs and chronic alcoholism, boys, the Cracked Editorial Face-Rapin' Squad is going to the Emerald Isle!

DUMBASSES
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
Take that Mother Nature. We're even better at creating horrific natural disasters than you.


Notable Comment: "You forgot Picher Oklahoma. The town so nice, it was destroyed twice. It was a zinc and lead mine. There are mountains of slag everywhere and the EPA has called it the most toxic place in the country. The mining has so destabilized the ground almost all buildings are in danger of colapse. Most people took the EPA buyout and relocation. For those who didn't, God sent an F4 tornado through town as a friendly nudge to reconsider. "

We didn't forget, JudG, it's just that we sort of consider the entire state of Oklahoma to be one big, continuous natural disaster.



SELF-LOATHING
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
It's just like we always say; engage in whatever depraved, hedonistic acts of self-destructive excess you want and pray like hell they end up saving your life. It's not the safest way to live your life, but it comes with way more heroin abuse and outdoor orgies.


Notable Comment: "Hello. I'm from Bulgaria and I also happen to be from Rousse but I've never heard of that lady with the gigantic boobs- but I guess that's understandable. There is no shortage of car accidents and fake boobies in Bulgaria. Oh, and we do have airbags:). What we do lack is a good health care system, fair juridical system and salaries that cover more than our basic needs. But who needs that when you have big tits. There was even a contest a couple of years ago for ambitious s**ts with small breasts -the reward was a breast enlargement procedure to cup size DD. All they had to do is convince people that having non-enourmous tits is a b***h slap from God and has riuned their lives. See, we can be modern too. And vain, and stupid. "

The way you describe it, kirsty_cotton, Bulgaria sounds like a paradise of gigantic fake tits, governmental corruption, and car accidents. When can we emigrate?

SLEEP-MADNESS
The 7 Most Insane Things People Have Done While Sleep-Walking
This is why somnambulists shouldn't sleep with guns, credit cards, or car keys near their beds.


Notable Comment:"i once baught a crapload of silver jewelery online, with my parents' credit card, while i was asleep. there is no way they would have beleived me except it was all womens jewelery and im a man. "

We hate to say it, smeata, but this might be a sign that, deep down, you're a cross-dresser. The only way to know for sure is to dress up in drag and spend a weekend working the corner at your local Red Light District. In fierce backseat poundings you will come to know truth.

ANIMALIA
8 Ingenious Ways Animals Outsmart Predators
If people had evolved a way to shoot blood out of their eyes in order to avoid predators, we bet game shows would be a hell of a lot more fun for everyone involved. Well, except the janitors.


Notable Comment: col_p asks; "Can somebody explain why the Craption that was winning all day has mysteriously disappeared? Cracked, that's censorship, something I wouldn't expect from a dick joke site. Watch this comment mysteriously disappear. "

The Black Helicopters have been dispatched, foodfiend. We'll see how cheeky you feel when the Castration Engine begins its nine hour dance of torment.



Michael Swaim
8 'Adorable' Viral Videos That Qualify as Animal Cruelty
Equal parts cute and depressing.


YOU YOU YOU!
19 Retarded First Drafts of Famous Inventions
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Unseen Victims of Video Game Characters.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

10.08.09:

Best trombone solo ever.
by superjaded

Editor's pick:

No, it won't make your penis bigger. But it will stop everybody from laughing at it.
by Julius_Goat

10.07.09:

Japanese businesmen are very spiritual when they destroy doc*ments
by aaa182

Editor's pick:

The most romantic bukkake set ever.
by Ronin22

10.06.09:

Artists rendition of his Inflamed Left Testicle
by andy3t

Editor's pick:

It will take a sperm made of asbestos to fertilize this egg.
by Blinker_Fluid

10.05.09:

Michael Bay's "Pinocchio".
by CaptainDildo

Editor's pick:

Wicker Man 2: Full Throttle
by WorstNameEver

10.04.09:

"What the f**k?! 37 wives, and I STILL have to come home to a burnt dinner."
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

"Do you really think this was the best way to punish Sergey for shaving in the community pool?"
by deaved_wrath

10.03.09:

This is what was going on to the left.
by MillsC9

Editor's pick:

The most depressing water park on earth.
by BowToTheBard

10.02.09:

WTF is going on to everyone's left?
by landmine76

Editor's pick:

Saran rape
by scaryed

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