At the tender age of 16, when most (read: one) of us were sitting alone in our bedrooms listening to The Cure and crying over our stifling unpopularity, Don Juan has an affair with a 23-year-old married woman and kicks the shit out of her husband--and that's just the first chapter.
What follows is a series of sexual conquests that makes the STD playground that is Bret Michaels's Rock of Love seem like a third grade pizza party.
"Which one of you busted strippers ordered the sausage?"
Among Juan's many seductions include a pirate lass, a sultana, a teenage concubine, a Duchess and Catherine the Great (yes, the supposed horse-fucker). When he wasn't busy with his lady friends, Don Juan found time to survive a shipwreck, fight a pirate gang by himself, conquer the city of Ismail, rescue an orphan girl from killer Cossacks, and shoot a cockney mugger to death. We think that last one had less to do with the mugging and more to do with the accent.
"O'right guvna, fer a shilling I'll shoine yer shoesFUCK I'VE BEEN SHOT!"
Remember how Don Juan started with the whole "seducing a married woman and fighting her husband" thing? Yeah, that actually happened to Lord Byron, who, as it turns out, based Don on himself more than a little.
"They say write what you know, and I know pussy."
Byron had numerous love affairs, the most famous of which was with Lady Caroline Lamb, who became just a tiny bit obsessed with him after Byron dumped her. It all came to a head when she covertly wrote "Remember Me!" on one of his books. Byron, fed up, penned the scathing poem Remember Thee! Remember Thee! which was basically a highly literate version of "99 Problems."
"Get thee off mine nuts, bitch."
In his spare time, Byron took care of his pets, which included a fox, monkeys, a parrot, cats, an eagle, a crow, a crocodile, a falcon, peacocks, guinea hens, an Egyptian crane, a badger, geese, a heron and a bear (beating out every U.S. president by a good mile for having badass pets), and also liberated Greece. Oh, and he was probably the inspiration for the modern vampire (we mean Dracula, not goddamned Twilight).
Sherlock Holmes is probably best described as "Sherlock motherfucking Holmes," a man capable of making incredible deductions from the smallest of details with the power of logic alone. Also, he's an expert with all sorts of weapons; from guns and swords, to singlestick cane fighting, to beating your ass with a riding crop.
If for some reason none of those things are around, Holmes is a formidable boxer and a proficient student of Bartitsu, a martial art which he used to simultaneously kill his arch nemesis Moriarty and save himself from death.
Hold on: incredible powers of deduction, badass fighting abilities, general unkillability--where have we heard this before?
Arthur Conan Doyle seems to have spent every waking moment either writing or being awesome. As a 20-year-old kid, Doyle joined a whaling expedition to the Arctic, presumably hanging off the bow and waving his dick at all the whales. After finishing medical school, Doyle mucked around on boats being a ship doctor for a couple years before settling down to start his own practice, take both a wife and a mistress, and churn out some books.
When the Boer War broke out he promptly enlisted as a medical officer and spent months in Africa patching up bullet holes and battling hundreds of cases of typhoid fever. For his service in the war, he was made a knight and then spent his time "playing golf, driving fast cars, floating in the sky in hot air balloons, flying in early archaic and rather frightening airplanes, and body-building."
The man was pure mustache.
Right before WWI broke out, Doyle wrote essays that talked about the importance of submarine warfare and aerial combat, conceived the Chunnel, and detailed such preposterous and fanciful inventions as "inflatable life jackets," "inflatable rafts" and "body armor," proving that in addition to all of his rugged manliness he could also see the goddamn future.